Is this BPD reverse psychology?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've not been online for a while.  Trying to sort myself out.  I kind of believe in following my intuition and in my hope to find closure (after 4 months of NC from my exbfBPD) I sent him an email with just the place we met and a date and time.  In other words, I wanted to meet him - selfishly really I suppose.  Anyway, shortly after sending it I received an email asking if it was an invitation to meet for a drink and if so he didn't think it was a good idea.  I said yes, it is and I will be there and hoped he would be too.  He came back and said it's not a good idea and how we've both moved on and I'm no good for him and he's no good for me and that he would not be coming as he didn't want to open old wounds.  I replied saying I had no intention of opening old wounds and for him not to email anymore as emails can't be misinterpreted and I would be there and hoped to see him there.  He didn't reply and to be honest, I thought he wouldn't turn up.  He did!  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Anyway, he hasn't changed in that he still blames me for everything and despite saying we were 70% good in our relationship, he said the bad was bad.  An example of this is when we were on holiday in October and he'd burnt himself (slightly I might add).  I'd just got ready (takes me ages!) and he asked me to put some aftersun cream on his back.  I asked if it could not wait til we got back from our evening and he stormed off.  He then came back and asked me why I wouldn't do it and I said the same thing. In the end I lost it a bit and said right I'm not going out.  I know it's silly, but it was a mixture of various petty things he'd been picking on me about for the previous 2 months and it had just built up.  Well, he claims that that is what ended our relationship.  Very petty I know.  Anyway, during our meeting he made it quite clear that he blames me for pretty much everything, which kind of makes me smile now that I'm calm and out of it. 

It's strange but my exbfBPD seemed to me to be a man who wasn't the one I fell in love with.  Maybe I dreamt him up - the one I loved.  He mentioned the girl he's seeing (started up with her 2 weeks after we broke up) and told me how she's just a f*** buddy - charming - and that it won't go anywhere.  I don't really know why he said that.  I don't think it's very nice and believe him to have no respect for women.  Funny thing is the man I fell in love with didn't like relationships like that and wanted a proper girlfriend always since I've known him.  He likes the security.  He also hates spending time alone and as I understand it, spends most of his time alone, other than seeing her a couple of times a week.

Despite planning to meet me for an hour, he was there for 3 1/2 hours and when we left he'd parked a little way away, so I gave him a lift and he sat in my car and continued talking.  I told him it would be nice to be friends and he said how he's never done that and didn't really understand why he'd come there that night.

Can anyone tell me - I kind of get the feeling (and believe in following my intuition) that this is his BPD reverse psychology and possibly him trying to come back. I can't believe for one minute that a) he replied to my email and b) that he turned up despite what he'd said. He clearly wanted to come and I can't believe for one minute he'd come to meet me if he had no intention of wanting more.  I know he's had offers to go for drinks with other women and always made excuses.  Maybe I'm reading more into this.  Can anyone advise me. 

I hope this makes sense.  Sorry it's so long.

[happiness68]

I've not been online for a while.  Trying to sort myself out.  I kind of believe in following my intuition and in my hope to find closure (after 4 months of NC from my exbfBPD) I sent him an email with just the place we met and a date and time.  In other words, I wanted to meet him - selfishly really I suppose.  Anyway, shortly after sending it I received an email asking if it was an invitation to meet for a drink and if so he didn't think it was a good idea.  I said yes, it is and I will be there and hoped he would be too.  He came back and said it's not a good idea and how we've both moved on and I'm no good for him and he's no good for me and that he would not be coming as he didn't want to open old wounds.  I replied saying I had no intention of opening old wounds and for him not to email anymore as emails can't be misinterpreted and I would be there and hoped to see him there.  He didn't reply and to be honest, I thought he wouldn't turn up.  He did!  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Anyway, he hasn't changed in that he still blames me for everything and despite saying we were 70% good in our relationship, he said the bad was bad.  An example of this is when we were on holiday in October and he'd burnt himself (slightly I might add).  I'd just got ready (takes me ages!) and he asked me to put some aftersun cream on his back.  I asked if it could not wait til we got back from our evening and he stormed off.  He then came back and asked me why I wouldn't do it and I said the same thing. In the end I lost it a bit and said right I'm not going out.  I know it's silly, but it was a mixture of various petty things he'd been picking on me about for the previous 2 months and it had just built up.  Well, he claims that that is what ended our relationship.  Very petty I know.  Anyway, during our meeting he made it quite clear that he blames me for pretty much everything, which kind of makes me smile now that I'm calm and out of it. 

It's strange but my exbfBPD seemed to me to be a man who wasn't the one I fell in love with.  Maybe I dreamt him up - the one I loved.  He mentioned the girl he's seeing (started up with her 2 weeks after we broke up) and told me how she's just a f*** buddy - charming - and that it won't go anywhere.  I don't really know why he said that.  I don't think it's very nice and believe him to have no respect for women.  Funny thing is the man I fell in love with didn't like relationships like that and wanted a proper girlfriend always since I've known him.  He likes the security.  He also hates spending time alone and as I understand it, spends most of his time alone, other than seeing her a couple of times a week.

Despite planning to meet me for an hour, he was there for 3 1/2 hours and when we left he'd parked a little way away, so I gave him a lift and he sat in my car and continued talking.  I told him it would be nice to be friends and he said how he's never done that and didn't really understand why he'd come there that night.

Can anyone tell me - I kind of get the feeling (and believe in following my intuition) that this is his BPD reverse psychology and possibly him trying to come back. I can't believe for one minute that a) he replied to my email and b) that he turned up despite what he'd said. He clearly wanted to come and I can't believe for one minute he'd come to meet me if he had no intention of wanting more.  I know he's had offers to go for drinks with other women and always made excuses.  Maybe I'm reading more into this.  Can anyone advise me. 

I hope this makes sense.  Sorry it's so long.

[happiness68]

I forgot to add that during his painting me black to me, he exaggerated the stories, some of which I don't even remember and I have a very good memory.  He doesn't.  That said, these must be stories he believes, but didn't actually happen.

He even told me that when we split up and he went to the police (this was when a day after the break up, I went to his house and waited for him to come home from work - he classed this as stalking).  He said that the police came to see me on many occasions and I was never in (this isn't true - I have a concierge and would have known if they had come and I wasn't in, or surely they would have left a card of some kind to call them), plus he said they called me and I didn't answer.  Again, not true.  I had no missed calls ever not even from an unknown number.  He was trying to make himself look good in a way as he was saying that if it wasn't for him I would have been arrested, as they told him they would arrest me.  This isn't true I know for a fact, as if he had been to see them, they would have contacted me to speak to me, but that is all.  They would have had to contact me as it's the law however, so again, lies.  I wonder why the lies.  It was like he was trying to tell me that he was my saviour for my not being arrested.  As I say I just went there after we'd split up to try to speak to him, nothing major.  Also, if he had ever gone to the police, it would have been him that involved the police in the first place.  It's quite bizarre.

[maria1]

Hi Happiness68

I don't know your story I'm afraid. What makes you think he has BPD?

[happiness68]

Maria - have you lived through this too?  He has all the symptoms, the irrational outbursts, difficulty with all relationships, wreckless driving, paints all ex girlfriends and his ex wife black with such stories you'd never believe (not just them actually, but also members of his family, friends), suffers from a bit of depression, such rage and anger, acts impulsively, has a little bit of paranoia, to name a few.  When we were first together, he was so intense with the relationship, it was suffocating.  In fact, it was like this to the end.  I also understand that he had a volatile relationship with his mother, which could be where this stems from.  I'm pretty sure he has BPD.  I've researched.  He also projects a lot of stuff, not just with me, but with everyone.  He continually argues at work.  In fact, he argues with everyone.  Made myself laugh writing that ;-)

[happiness68]

Maria - have you lived through this too?  He has all the symptoms, the irrational outbursts, difficulty with all relationships, wreckless driving, paints all ex girlfriends and his ex wife black with such stories you'd never believe (not just them actually, but also members of his family, friends), suffers from a bit of depression, such rage and anger, acts impulsively, has a little bit of paranoia, to name a few.  When we were first together, he was so intense with the relationship, it was suffocating.  In fact, it was like this to the end.  I also understand that he had a volatile relationship with his mother, which could be where this stems from.  I'm pretty sure he has BPD.  I've researched.  He also projects a lot of stuff, not just with me, but with everyone.  He continually argues at work.  In fact, he argues with everyone.  Made myself laugh writing that ;-)

Sorry Maria, I misread.  I thought you said you knew my story.  You said, you don't.  I'll write it for you here as briefly as I can.  We met 3 years ago and were together for about 2 1/2 years.  He was besotted with me when we first met.  The usual thing you get with a BPD.  As I mention above, he was very intense.  It really was suffocating, but I just gave into it if I'm honest.  I'm sorry I did now.  I should have been stronger.  I'm a very strong independent woman, both now (I'm proud to say that once again) and in the past.  Anyway, we broke up in October over something very petty, despite the fact that we'd been getting on very well after a few problems early July, where he'd asked me to change many things about myself, which to name a few were the fact that I leave plugs turned up the wrong way in my flat on the floor sometimes by accident, I didn't go out on his motorbike (it scared me), he wanted to feel like I shared everything with him, he wanted me to spend more time with his children (two girls 20/21 who are a uni).  Anyway, those changes I made and more over the next few months and we kind of got back on track.  The day we split up he lost his temper and did the walk out thing because he wanted to attach his new phone to my internet and I said yes, it was fine, but no downloading pirate films or anything.  I don't really know how or why it happened.  Anyway, he walked out.  This has been his pattern since the start.  I remember when we were together for 6 weeks, he did the same and from thereon, it happened every 6 weeks to 2 months, I'd go after him and resolve it.  He was married for 20 years to a woman who when he left her, she told people how she'd felt so suppressed in the marriage.  He then went on to have a year and a half of relationships that lasted 2-3 months until he met me.  I'd imagine he behaved irrationally and they didn't go after him like me.  Anyway, I tried to resolve things, but he was abusive.  I stopped trying after 3 weeks and here we are now at this point.  He's one of the BPD's who calls the police too.  He did this once when we argued about 1 year into the relationship because he said I wouldn't let him leave where my house.  He's 6' by the way and I'm 5'2 - he's about 168 lbs and I'm 110 lbs.  When the police came, the lady I spoke to even said to me how it was ridiculous and more or less insinuated he'd wasted police time.  He threatened to call the police too when I tried to sort things out when we broke up in October.  He claims when we met that he did in fact call them as I mention in my post here.  Anyway, I'm pretty sure he has it, though I'm not sure if he'd seek help. I wish he would.  I hope that helps a bit Maria.  I also forgot to add that end of June we went to a surprise party in France for my Dad's birthday and he kind of ruined it getting drunk (everyone there was the same age as my parents, so very disrespectful - my parents have been very good to him too, so it's a shame).  He's also wreckless with money.  I keep thinking of other things to add to the list ;-)

[maria1]

Hi happiness68

I'm sort of wondering what it is you're trying to get from posting this? From what you say it sounds like the relationship didn't work out but you have had some difficulties accepting that.

Would that be fair to say?

You started by saying you emailed him with a message that was unclear- he politely declined to which you asked him not to email you again?

Do you think your own behaviour may be a little mixed up at times? I don't mean to be critical, I just know that we can't change them but we can look at ourselves.

[hithere]

Made myself laugh writing that ;-)

If the above is true then why would you want to be in contact with this person?

Are you in therapy? 

[charred]

Sounds like you were trying to recycle with him, and it was sort of awkward.

If he is BPD... keep in mind they tend to mirror you, so if you are polite, use nice language only... .  so will they, if they are around people that cuss like sailors... .  so will they. Its a lack of a true core self... they are chamelions... not the nice person you thought you met and fell for. Given that... .  the comments about a Fbuddy are not unusual, my exBPDgf used to get crude anytime she was trying to guilt me in to something, as she knew it bothered me. So she would say things like am I only a Fbud to you... etc. and worse... in your case it might be to make you jealous a bit, as he hung around talking for hours instead of just one hour.

Is it reverse psy... doubt it.

Are you on the fence? Wanting to be back with him? Having a hard time with the quiet... .  after the smothering attention?

(Been there myself at times... .  but I am learning to enjoy the quiet.)

You invited him out and pushed for him to see you, sounds like something isn't resolved for you yet.

[happiness68]

Maria1 and Hitthere - no I wasn't trying to recycle myself.  I'm not BPD.  To be honest, it was almost like a test to see if he'd turn up.  Maria1, I don't think I explained myself very well. I was trying to get so much out and it's sometimes difficult when writing it out.  I didn't ask him to meet, I just sent him a date and time to be somewhere and despite his emailing back to say he wouldn't be there, he was.  For me, it was a bit of a test to see how I felt and if he'd turn up.  I think I kind of wanted closure and to say all the things I'd been feeling. 

Charred - yes, you're right, it's still not 100% resolved for me, though I'm getting there slowly but surely.  I found the silence very difficult at the start, probably for the first two months, but I then filled that with other things and I don't miss the smothering if I'm honest.  I was very independent before my BPD r/s and seem to be slotting back into that now.  I'm back to being myself now after 4 months out of it.  I really do feel very good about myself amazingly. 

Just to update you all, I've since heard from my BPD, who has told me that he'd been dying to hear from me, but wouldn't instigate it (male pride I suspect).  He knows that he has something wrong with him and needs help.  He has told me how he was the same with his ex-wife with the emotional outbursts and irrationality, amongst a list of other things he admits to.  He's asked me to think about going back to him if he seeks therapy.  He wants me to help him.  The fact that he knows he has a problem is such a big thing for him I know.  It's taken a lot of courage.

I'm not really sure that returning to him is something I want.  I need to do some serious thinking.  The funny thing is I'm not sure that the only thing I felt when I met him was pity and that said, I could only remain a friend for him if that's the case.  Anyway, we will see.

Thanks for your comments.

[happiness68]

Charred - I forgot to add that you're right about the Chameleon and I'd never thought of that before.  If nothing else I'm glad that my BPD has realised he needs help.  I wish the same for all the other BPD's out there.  It's a terrible illness and most painful for those on the outside.

[hithere]

I'm glad that my BPD has realised he needs help.

As a last ditch effort mine also admitted this and went to one therapy session with a DBT therapist.

I didn't ask him to meet, I just sent him a date and time to be somewhere

The above makes no logical sense to me... .  it is the same things as asking him to meet.  Sorry if I already asked but are you in therapy to help you understand your feelings?

[happiness68]

Hitthere - Yes, I'm sure lots of people agree to counselling and then get scared and don't go.  I suppose time will tell if he goes and continues with it. 

Re the meeting him - I think you're missing the point here.  I had had NC for 4 months and if I'm really honest I needed closure, which is why I sent a date/time/place of where I'd be to see if he had the courage to turn up and give me that.  I feel I'm worthy of closure.  I wasn't asking him to meet, as didn't expect to hear from him or see him. I felt that he perhaps lacked courage to instigate it himself and realised that if I made that first move, maybe it would all fall into place and well, it looks like it did.  As I say, I don't know how I feel right now, but time will tell.  One step at a time.  I'm very much healed after all that happened.  I feel like my old self - pre my exbfBPD - and it's a great feeling ;-)

I'm glad that my BPD has realised he needs help.

As a last ditch effort mine also admitted this and went to one therapy session with a DBT therapist.

I didn't ask him to meet, I just sent him a date and time to be somewhere

The above makes no logical sense to me... .  it is the same things as asking him to meet.  Sorry if I already asked but are you in therapy to help you understand your feelings?

[nylonsquid]

Hi happiness,

I only read your OP so I don't know what others wrote. But to give you some perspective taken from my personal experience I will say:

I've been there. Been on both sides. He likes to have you as supply when he needs attention. He tells you she's a f*** buddy but that's not what he tells her. I got the same thing. It's to give you hope. To keep you longing. The more you long the better he'll feel. That someone is in pain over him. It gives him much pleasure and importance. Sounds cruel? It is! Yea, they seem all so innocent and charming and they are. And they are not. This is the complexity of BPD. He'll be with another person and you can keep longing in case he needs you back. My exBPDgf was planning on getting married to a guy during which she would be texting me. Once she even invited me into her place with the opportunity to have sex and she then followed me to a party and kissed me a few times. I was a bit confused but now i know that her guy wasn't giving her enough attention (he was out of town) and I filled in. For a day or 2 or whatever. 2 days later she tells me it was a mistake. Now this is contrary to what she tells me, that she is a loyal person and wants to be with one person all her life. It's a lie. Is she intentionaly lying? It's probably a mix of halftruths. She tells her guy the same thing she'd told me and she tells him how it was terrible being with me. I guarantee this. What we are projecting on to them is what we know as normal and they feed off of our sympathy and attachment to feed their narcissism. What you feel is not what he does. He holds a lot of resentment. Watch out because when you are most vulnerable, as you seem to be now, he will contact you to see your availability and suck you back in. He will not take you back for who YOU are but will take whoever is available to feed his fragile ego. I don't judge you if you end up with him again but I will feel bad for the pain you will go through again. I know I needed more pain to be sure this is not the life I wanted.

Good luck!

[happiness68]

Nylonsquid - what you say makes perfect sense, as he has always painted black everyone before me, in fact everyone in his life if I'm honest.  Right now I don't know how I feel about him, but am only at this stage considering friendship.  I feel that I've come so far and done so well over the last 4 months that I don't know if I ever want to even risk going back to that.  I feel sure there's someone better out there for me.  Thanks for your advice and thanks most of all for being so open and honest ;-) 

Hi happiness,

I only read your OP so I don't know what others wrote. But to give you some perspective taken from my personal experience I will say:

I've been there. Been on both sides. He likes to have you as supply when he needs attention. He tells you she's a f*** buddy but that's not what he tells her. I got the same thing. It's to give you hope. To keep you longing. The more you long the better he'll feel. That someone is in pain over him. It gives him much pleasure and importance. Sounds cruel? It is! Yea, they seem all so innocent and charming and they are. And they are not. This is the complexity of BPD. He'll be with another person and you can keep longing in case he needs you back. My exBPDgf was planning on getting married to a guy during which she would be texting me. Once she even invited me into her place with the opportunity to have sex and she then followed me to a party and kissed me a few times. I was a bit confused but now i know that her guy wasn't giving her enough attention (he was out of town) and I filled in. For a day or 2 or whatever. 2 days later she tells me it was a mistake. Now this is contrary to what she tells me, that she is a loyal person and wants to be with one person all her life. It's a lie. Is she intentionaly lying? It's probably a mix of halftruths. She tells her guy the same thing she'd told me and she tells him how it was terrible being with me. I guarantee this. What we are projecting on to them is what we know as normal and they feed off of our sympathy and attachment to feed their narcissism. What you feel is not what he does. He holds a lot of resentment. Watch out because when you are most vulnerable, as you seem to be now, he will contact you to see your availability and suck you back in. He will not take you back for who YOU are but will take whoever is available to feed his fragile ego. I don't judge you if you end up with him again but I will feel bad for the pain you will go through again. I know I needed more pain to be sure this is not the life I wanted.

Good luck!

[happiness68]

Nylonsquid - I forgot to add that I'm sorry that you had to go through that.  It must have been heartbreaking.  I felt bad enough when everything fell apart and I had to go through what I did when we broke up and going through what you went through must have been far worse.  I can only imagine the pain you must have felt. 

[id-crisis]

Hi Happiness68 

Did you actually tell him during your meeting that you were there for some sort of closure? And if so, what was his response?

[happiness68]

id-crisis - Yes, I did. He asked why we were there, i.e. meeting.  I said I wanted to see him because I felt and wanted deserved closure.  He was looking down, he raised his head as I said it as if in surprise, but didn't comment.  He's looked into the counselling and we'll see how he goes.  For now, I will keep my distance and see how he gets on. 

[id-crisis]

Hi Happiness, sorry I didn't reply earlier but lost this thread somehow   How is it going? Any updates?   

[charred]

Charred - I forgot to add that you're right about the Chameleon and I'd never thought of that before.  If nothing else I'm glad that my BPD has realised he needs help.  I wish the same for all the other BPD's out there.  It's a terrible illness and most painful for those on the outside.

I would have to be BPD... can't imagine what its like.

My exBPDgf seemed like the most confident person in the world... did things that exude confidence... then I have seen her have a panic attack and fall to pieces, act like whoever she is around, and it eventually becomes clear that they don't have a core self... she has no idea who she is, its always changing to please whoever she is around or have a certain effect manipulating someone... .  its not living... not the way I think of it anyway. If your pwBPD realized they needed help and sought help and kept seeking it... .  yours is exceptional. Mine always realized I needed help... no matter what it was it was my fault... .  or someone elses.

Hope things turned out well for you.