Time to live my life...

[NewStart]

Well life with my BPDexgf on and off, connected then silent and she's still in a relationship. Last night I went on another date with a great nonBPD gal and realized that there are three beautiful nonBPD women who are pursuing me... .  so WHY am I banging my head against the wall of BPD over and over?

Are we really that compatible or is it mirroring and ideaization that fits so well?  It's getting serious with one of these gals so do I walk away from BPD or do I lay it on the line and ask my BPDex if she wants to go all in and give us a real try, starting with some counselling?

One side says walk away and see how this new thing plays out and one side says lay it all out there for BPDex... .  

[laelle]

If and when your relationship with this new woman "really" becomes one with mutual respect and care, you wont even make a statement such as.  "I met a nice lady that I could get serious about, btw do you think I should try again with my ex. (unless I understood you wrong)

Sounds like your playing an unconscious game there.

Counterproductive. 

She has a bf, you have someone your dating.  Let nature takes its course and dont try to veer it in any direction.

Your not obligated to do anything.  One day at a time.

[almost789]

It's getting serious with one of these gals so do I walk away from BPD or do I lay it on the line and ask my BPDex if she wants to go all in and give us a real try, starting with some counselling?

One side says walk away and see how this new thing plays out and one side says lay it all out there for BPDex... .  

Up to you, but given what you already know about relationships with untreated BPDex what would you like? More of the same? Or a healthy non BPD relationship.

[yeeter]

Hi NewStart!

Welcome.  

An observation:

It sounds like you are dating - and even considering it 'serious' - while some part of your mental and emotional energy is still invested in your ex.

If you really want a NewStart and to grow - consider just taking a step back from dating all together until you can let go of your prior relationship.  Spend some time understanding what it was about that relationship that was attractive to you - knowing in many ways it is an unbalanced and unhealthy one.  Understand how you made the decision to get in it in the first place.

This will then put you in a much better place so when you do start dating again, you are emotionally available 100%, but also that you will understand yourself better and be able to make better decisions for your long term happiness (which btw - is worth spending a few months on the groundwork)

(otherwise laelle is right... .  she has a bf, let it take its course)

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like you are in a situation that is forcing you to really make some tough choices rather than just keep on going on auto-pilot. I understand your situation to look like this:

You are dating several women, and are considering entering a serious relationship with one.

You broke up with your exBPDgf, went no contact for a while, and have lately moved into a "friendship" where she alternates between being close and intimate, and running away. Now there is more intimacy, tension, and hope for something romantic in this "friendship" that a normal friendship would have (at least in the pull phase).

You have learned a lot since your former relationship with her, and have broken at least some of the co-dependent patterns you used to participate in.

I see you having several paths you could take here:

• Commit to a nonBPD, and keep your "friendship" with your exBPDgf. (Note: This "friendship" could look like an emotional affair or worse to newGF!)



• Commit to a nonBPD, and disconnect from your exBPDgf



• Re-commit to your exBPDgf. (What about her relationship?)



• Continue dating around, continue your "friendship" with exBPDgf

What feels right? What are you afraid of in these possible paths?

[Mike_confused]

If you commit to a new nonBPD GF and keep friendly contact with your BPDex... .  the BPDex will do whatever she can to screw up the relationship with the new GF.    Sure as shootin!

[Randi Kreger]

Hi NewStart!Welcome.   An observation:It sounds like you are dating - and even considering it 'serious' - while some part of your mental and emotional energy is still invested in your ex.If you really want a NewStart and to grow - consider just taking a step back from dating all together until you can let go of your prior relationship.  Spend some time understanding what it was about that relationship that was attractive to you - knowing in many ways it is an unbalanced and unhealthy one.  Understand how you made the decision to get in it in the first place.This will then put you in a much better place so when you do start dating again, you are emotionally available 100%, but also that you will understand yourself better and be able to make better decisions for your long term happiness (which btw - is worth spending a few months on the groundwork)(otherwise laelle is right... .  she has a bf, let it take its course)

This Yeeter person here has some good advice here and in another thread I saw.

[sm15000]

Are we really that compatible or is it mirroring and ideaization that fits so well?  It's getting serious with one of these gals so do I walk away from BPD or do I lay it on the line and ask my BPDex if she wants to go all in and give us a real try, starting with some counselling?

Well I think only you really know the answer to that.  She does seem to still be able to get you 'hooked' with her lines of adoration before she has really done anything to prove she has a serious intention of a committed r/s with you. 

How are you getting 'serious' with someone else when you are still so confused.  Have you said things to one another to show this seriousness?  If so, be careful 

New Start, you have had 3 years of NC to reflect on this one. . .many things you write suggest your guts are telling you to stay away. . .and I think you are terrified of what she could possibly do to you - again.  Can you really have a r/s like that?

[oletimefeelin]

NewStart,

Good to see you still around here.  I had wondered about you.  Apparently you let running into her with the other dude a few months back slide.  Now you are aware she's in some sort of relationship with another man.  You're letting her get away with all this, in effect telling her that her behavior is okay with you.  That is not the recipe for improving whatever relationship it is you hope to have with her. 

I went back and read some of your more recent posts.  My guess would be that when she opened to you that you followed suit.  I am sure this triggers all sorts of engulfment issues for her.  It also communicates to her that you are still on the hook.  If you want to move forward I'd be extremely hesitant to share my feelings if I were you.  This one is going to run away the moment you start coming on even remotely strong.  Like for every ten times she says something you say something once.  It's good you had other things to do.  Do you really need to check in to see if she's okay, though?  You know exactly what's going on.  That really communicates weakness to her.  Always be mindful of how she's interpreting your messages.

I still stand by what I was writing to you a few months back.  Get off the fence.  Choose one way or the other.  You have strong feelings for this woman.  No other woman stands a chance while you're still even remotely in contact with your much loved ex.   

[NewStart]

Some good stuff here and some very true statements.  One thing I think about is "what would another relationship REALLY look like with this woman?" and that's a real tough one... .  because if I look deep enough I know that uncomfortable place she can take me... .  but on the other hand I really want to have a converstation with her about what would need to change for us to succeed... .  and I can feel that conversation is right around the corner.

sm15000-you're right, if I have these deep feelings to stay away how could I ever really have a solid relationship with this woman... .  couples counseling maybe?

OTF-you're probably right, no other relationship stands a chance while this woman is around as I keep giving some time and emotion to it.  Also, you have some great points about how to get to this woman by controling my contact etc, and yes that would work... .  but I don't want that in a relationship you know? 

So... .  for me this is all still a pretty big question of where 'this' is going... .  one part of me says jump off the fence and just ask her where she/we want this to go... .  and the other part of me says run away and don't look back/

[yeeter]

... but on the other hand I really want to have a conversation with her about what would need to change for us to succeed... .  and I can feel that conversation is right around the corner.

The danger with this is that of the large swings in her emotions, and the push/pull.  You may have this conversation at a point in time where she is in a pull cycle, and you might hear everything you want in order to give it another chance.

But then it could all change with a random comment... .  

Its natural to want closure.  To want things all neatly packaged and clarity.  But these relationships rarely offer this (basically you have to MAKE this clarity for yourself, and let the chips fall where they may regarding her involvement). 

[NewStart]

yeeter-I think all the red flags are popping up again, she's just to afraid to connect in a normal way and there are all the little 'hooks' and the signs of commitment issues with her disappearing on and off again... .  hard to figure it all out.

[123Phoebe]

yeeter-I think all the red flags are popping up again, she's just to afraid to connect in a normal way and there are all the little 'hooks' and the signs of commitment issues with her disappearing on and off again... .  hard to figure it all out.

Hi NewStart,

In the context of BPD being a mental illness, it's really not hard to figure out at all.  Accepting that she is mentally ill and what all that entails for you, might be what you're in the process of... .  ?

[hithere]

what would need to change for us to succeed... .  and I can feel that conversation is right around the corner.

It seems to me you are not over your exBPDgf, you will never be free to have a normal relationship until you leave the dysfunction behind you. 

I think your plan of laying it all on the line has a 99% chance of failure, but you might need that to move on.

[NewStart]

Pheobe - guess I never thought of it that way and you might be right, maybe it's the mental illness part that I'm truly struggling to accept? Because lord knows that I keep pushing forward like she's not!

Hithere - ya, my mind changes every day... .  with her moods.  Once again she's off the radar so I look to turn away but then she seems to come back full force when I'm gone too. 

Push pull dynamic at play?  Sure seems like it to me... .  

[123Phoebe]

Pheobe - guess I never thought of it that way and you might be right, maybe it's the mental illness part that I'm truly struggling to accept? Because lord knows that I keep pushing forward like she's not!

Hithere - ya, my mind changes every day... .  with her moods.  Once again she's off the radar so I look to turn away but then she seems to come back full force when I'm gone too. 

Push pull dynamic at play?  Sure seems like it to me... .  

Yep, it's very hard to accept that the people we're in love with are mentally ill, especially when they seem so not at times.  And just when we're settling all in, getting comfy and secure... .  WHAM!

It happened to me just yesterday - dark mood rolled in with some way out differences from just a few hours earlier.  I've learned not to talk about how his moods affect me in those moments, I act on my feelings and continue paying attention to me, even if he can't.  And he seems to know when he's feeling stressed, because he no longer lashes out, it's more subtle, so I give him the space to re-regulate.  Now today he seems fine and is coming over to help with something that's important to me.  He really cannot help it, his moods, he's not seeking treatment and I don't push it.   We don't live together and that's fine with me   If I were wanting and waiting for that to happen, I believe I'd be really disappointed with many more issues to deal with. 

It's your call NewStart, is the relationship as it stands now enough for you?  What can you do to get more of your needs met?

The title of your post 'Time to live my life... .  ' is a good one.  And it's a good philosophy in any relationship.  Live our lives!  If someone wants to join us and they're a good fit, Welcome to my world   In the meantime, accept accept accept that she's mentally ill and will do things that don't make sense in the context of healthy relating.

[ohmygosh]

Hi

Great post and very interesting.  I guess if you approached her with come back or I take the new girlfriend is basically an ultimatum which is generally dangerous.  If she accepts this all her guilt for leaving her current partner would be pinned on you.  You really want her to leave him as being her decision made with time.  Am in a similar predicament and guess the rational process is if I move on it's her bad luck.  You could maybe let her know you would reconsider another try given reasonable circumstances (ie you both being single again) but definately not stay single waiting forever.  So if she leaves him and your single cross that bridge if and when it happens.  If she leaves him and you've moved on you've moved on.

Food for thought

[NewStart]

Hey, yeah no ultimatums from me... .  and the more I think about it... .  the more I just think I'm fooling myself that it would be anything but a dysfunctional disaster.  I want to see it as a series of conversations we could have and then move forward as normal people do, but I know deep down that wouldn't happen.  Sure, it could work short term, but I know this woman and my gut tells me she'd be around for a bit and then flake out again.  Heck, she can't even be in semi fluid contact now?

My only problem is figuring out how to be strong enough to get away... .  and convincing myself it's really the right thing to do... .  

[ohmygosh]

Getting on with your life is the right thing to do.  Your single, you can seek new friends, take time out, start new relationships if you want.  You shouldn't feel guilty for moving on with your life, she has moved on with hers.  It's good for me saying this cause I've been lying on my couch like a stunned fish for months.

[NewStart]

OMG-Oh yeah believe me I was in your spot for a long long long time... .  remember for me it's been years since my ex and I dated, so give yourself time.  Me, well there may finally be a lady who could pull my attention from my old BPDexgf... .  now I'll just have to see how it all plays out.

Basically, I'm so busy with life and dating all of the sudden I don't think the BPDex will hang around long as I don't have the time to give her anyway... .