Afraid to even say, "I love you".

[mama72]

Hi all. I am new here and posted on my introduction on newbie page. I won't go into full story on phone and don't think my thumbs could hold up. My BPD d15 has been at her dads for 1 week and we haven't spoke. Had an arguement last week and both needed time apart. She told her dad I called her a "slut" when we argued, which of course I didn't, but he believed!  Before finding that out, I asked her to lunch and she said yes (the only reason she said yes, I think, was to bring her more contacts). Anyway, she postsd some mean things on twitter about me 2 min after discussing lunch. I texted back that it was too early for lunch. I could go on and on, but really I just have 2 questions.

1. Do I call and call her I love her and miss her ( which I did and got tweeted about), knowing that she can turn those statements around or start another arguement?

2. Do I try to move on with relationship even if she does not apologize for lying about me calling her a slut, to me and her dad.

Thank you for any advice. I am lost.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Hi autkpi   

It is so hard to stay connected with our troubled kids when we really just want to run away too. I am glad you are getting a break. How long is your D15 planing to stay at her dad's?

Sometimes what sounds like, feels like, looks like lying, manipulation, anger is a cover for other deeper emotions that are so undercover our child has no words for them. They are overwhelmed and projecting all that emotinal energy onto someone that loves them regardless (that is often we mom's) is a survival strategy.  I try to remember that the more my BPDDD26's behavior pushes me away, the more she needs me to be there for her. She has been pushing me since she was very very young.

So I have to figure out how to keep my own health and sanity so that I CAN be there in a healthier way for her. A big part of this for me has been learning to let go of many of my expectations (ie. don't wait for the apology that may never come - your D15 may not be able to accept she 'did anything wrong", learning to stop 'defending' myself to my DD26 (just gives her ammo to spin back onto me), and finding small ways to keep connected. Texting seems to work good with us - takes so much of the body language that can be misread out of the communication.

The tools that have worked in my life include - radical acceptance, learning valdation skills, figuring out my values and how to protect them with values-based boundaries... .  There are others here with teens that may be able to point you toward the best starting point.

There are many workshop and article resources here at bpdfamily.com and in books in the review board that can help you find a path. Is is sure hard work though. Here is review on "Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Porr. It is a good place to start for many parents. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128777.40#lastPost

What kinds of support do you have for yourself? Understanding friends? Family? Therapist versed in BPD and DBT? I am so sorry to hear about your cancer battle on top of all this. Sometimes the fears of abandonement my DD has when I have been ill just blow my mind -- until I remind myself again of the intensely overwhelming place my illness puts her in. Can you ask her, when things seem somewhat settled, how scary your illness is for you and ask how she feels about it? Not sure of the best wording for this - have you talked much with her? How has she responded?

Can you find some small joys spending time with your D5 while D15 is away?  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep coming back --   

qcr  

[mama72]

qcr-

Thank you for the great advice, the part about "letting go of expectations" is something I really need to reflect on. I will look into all of your other tips/web site too. She is at her dad's indefinitely. We have not talked about any legal action with custody, yet. I am not sure how long her dad is willing to keep her, but he knows we both need a break. At some point she will come back here, even if it is on "visitation".I have been reading info on depression and anxiety for years. The last few years I have read more about BPD because of her cutting and even more after her suicide attempt last year. I took a 6 week NAMI class of childhood mental illnesses and I see a T myself to deal with my d. So, I feel like I am doing everything I need to, but it is still all falling apart. I have a wonderful h, very supportive friends, my mother always has my back and I have a strong faith in God. When I first got diagnosed with cancer my d threw a fit in her room, broke all of her roseries and crosses and tore up bibles. We understood and didn't make her go thru Confirmation that year. She showed very little intrest in me when I was sick from chemo or in pain from surgeries/ radiation. I did not make a big deal out of it, chalked it up to being a self-centered friend. She said I was "annoying" when I was diagnosed with cancer because I was so positive and she feel like I thought it was a blessing I got cancer. There is so much more to her twisted thinking, but I won't ramble on.

Going to watch my d (actually 6, not 5) play in the snow, shoot my BD an unassumimg text and see where it goes from there. I was more hopeful during cancer treatment than I am going thru this!

[jellibeans]

Well I feel you might have my daughter living with you... .  I can tell you I have certain boundaries and rules. One big one is that she is not allowed to post on any social media my private conversations with her... .  period! I am assuming you pay for her phone? My daughter would lose it for a certain amount of time... .  if she repeated her attack at a later date she would lose her phone for a longer period... .  

My daughter has done just this several times and after losing her phone several times I now feel we are at a place where she can't attack me online... .  in fact she is not allowed to have a Facebook account... .  she has instagram and I am her friend and check it daily... .  if there is a post I don't like she takes it down no questions asked... .  

I think you have a difficult situation with your husband and you not living together... .  I understand needed a break and taking a time out... .  but I think it gives her too many option to go back and forth between you like a ping pong. My dd would probably abuse the option and leave whenever she didn't like the rules at my house... .  how do you prevent that? Does your husband support you with your decisions?

You sound like you miss her and and her back home? Have you takes you your husband? Is the plan that she stays with him now? My dd doesn't have that option here at home... .  when there is an argument is resolved here at home... .  not at a later date... .  

I would insist on an apology... .  you know what happened and what you said... .  don't get drawn ion that kind of defense... .  I might start out by calling her and telling her how much you missed her and that you were soon things got so heated. Sometimes when thing are that emotional

it is hard to remember what is said... .  but I do think you first need to address some of these things with her father so you are united in your approach.

[oglobaith]

Dear Autkpi,     the title of your post really tugged at me, I feel so for you in this.  I would like to suggest though that it's essential that we mums do keep telling our kids we love them (BPD or not) and anything that makes us afraid to do that must be ignored.  We also need to make space time and consideration for ourselves,so showing and speaking about love needs to come with boundaries which it seems you are doing. I would continue reaching out to her without leeting it consume you - I know it's hard but unfortunately these kids of ours don't have normal emotions and we can get ourselves tied up inside if we're not careful can't we?  Make the most of a little 'freedom'.  God Bless you.

[Being Mindful]

Hi all. I am new here and posted on my introduction on newbie page. I won't go into full story on phone and don't think my thumbs could hold up. My BPD d15 has been at her dads for 1 week and we haven't spoke. Had an arguement last week and both needed time apart. She told her dad I called her a "slut" when we argued, which of course I didn't, but he believed!  Before finding that out, I asked her to lunch and she said yes (the only reason she said yes, I think, was to bring her more contacts). Anyway, she postsd some mean things on twitter about me 2 min after discussing lunch. I texted back that it was too early for lunch. I could go on and on, but really I just have 2 questions.

1. Do I call and call her I love her and miss her ( which I did and got tweeted about), knowing that she can turn those statements around or start another arguement?

2. Do I try to move on with relationship even if she does not apologize for lying about me calling her a slut, to me and her dad.

Thank you for any advice. I am lost.

Dear autkipi,

I would ask yourself are you willing to lose your relationship with her over an apology or lack of one? Even if given, what value does it have if it doesn't come from her willingly. I wonder if it would be more beneficial at this point to learn some skills for yourself in order to help the relationship. She might not be capable at this point of being in a healthy relationship with you. My BPD.d wasn't, but the skills I learned help tremendously with our relationship, with my health and in turn it helped her too.

Would you like to learn some skills that will help in communication with her and can even help to prevent these events to escalate so high?

For me what turned things around was setting my boundaries, using SET and validation.

Here are some links that I found extremely useful.

Boundaries Tools of Respect

How To Manage a BPD Relationship/Reducing Anger Using SET

Good to see over here on the parents board!

Being Mindful

[jellibeans]

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources:

What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and hope you join us on this journey.

... .  

I would like to encourage you to post your questions on the board above... .  I have a dd15 too and post there often and have found it to be so helpful... .  I have only recently been told my dd is BPD but knowing that has helped a great deal in how I interact with her. I try to read as much as I can... .  have you read any books on this? Valerie Porr's is very helpful... .  I have learned that the way I communicate with my dd is very important and that using validation is key... .  please keep posting... .  and I will look for your on the board   

[mama72]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice. I am going to read more about boundries and validation today. I have read about 3 books on BPD, but will look into what you all have recommended. Still haven't heard from d. I am having my chemo port taken out tomorrow and wish she was here to help celebrate. My d6, misses her sis and keeps asking when she is coming back. Sad to say, I don't want her back yet and I am scared that I won't want her back! I love her so much, but she is toxic.