How can a person with BPD be THIS cruel?

[Tracy500]

I posted this in the wrong place, I think, so I'm reposting it here.


It was a year ago that my BF told his wife with BPD that he was ending their relationship.  He couldn't afford to move out of the house so he moved down the hall.  She begged him to take her back on several occasions and he repeatedly said no.  She started dating and made a point to tell him so or had one of the children tell him so.  Eight months ago, he was diagnosed with Stage III cancer and had two surgeries.   Five months ago, three days before he was set to start five day a week chemotherapy for four weeks, she looked through his phone and saw a text from me about how excited I was that he and I would be going out of town one last time before he started treatment.  She screamed at him loudly enough to wake the children and kicked him out in the middle of the night, keeping his phone, accusing him of being a cheater and rendering him homeless. All of this happened in front of the kids.

Since we had planned on going out of town anyway, he just came to my house in the middle of the night and the next day, we went on our trip as planned.  She used his phone to text me that she had thrown his things out on the front lawn.  Their daughter called me as well to tell me the same thing. 

I've read about how pwBPD minds work but I still can't understand such heinous treatment.  Three weeks into the treatment, she asked him to met her for dinner and begged him to come back saying that she had forgiven him and now he needed to forgive her.  When he said no, she launched into the badmouthing and guilting and parental alienation promises.  BTW, when he asked her why she put his stuff on the lawn for the weekend, she said, "I had to show the children I was strong."

I can't understand how any person could kick another person who is getting ready to start chemotherapy out of his house. They were married for 25 years.  Honest to god, if she were homeless and had cancer and needed a place to stay, I would invite her into my own home and take dmn good care of her and I don't even like her!  I just don't get how any person, even one with BPD could be this cruel. 

Can anyone shed some light on this?

[Scott44]

My social worker says that pwBPD don't see others as real people, and therefore we are only useful as long as we are doing something for them.  As soon as we become a "burden" anything goes.

[healing_orlando]

Hi Tracy500.  I am sorry I do not have any answers for you, but I am writing because what you said is my biggest problem with the disease.  I understand that it is a disorder and that people suffering from it do not grasp that some of their behaviors are not acceptable or normal.  But the part that I don't understand is when the behavior gets so cruel, out of control, and clearly wrong in several different ways, how can one not be able to discern these instances?  

My BPD mom was so out of control and unreasonable with me as a child, that she would leave me covered in bruises from beatings that would happen out of nowhere (for example, I got a severe beating when I was about 8 years old because I did not cry when we found out my grandfather had had a stroke).  How can an adult person not think about what she just did and say to herself: "wow.  I should not have just done this my my child.  She is just 8 years old, and probably doesn't even understand what a stroke is.  What I just did is not right.  I should probably talk to someone so I never do this again."

In other words, I have a problem with the lack of personal responsibility, you know.  People should have some, no matter how sick they are.  It seems to me that your BF's ex wife, no matter how sick she is, should be called upon to have some, too.

[seeking balance]

I can't understand how any person could kick another person who is getting ready to start chemotherapy out of his house. They were married for 25 years.  Honest to god, if she were homeless and had cancer and needed a place to stay, I would invite her into my own home and take dmn good care of her and I don't even like her!  I just don't get how any person, even one with BPD could be this cruel. 

Can anyone shed some light on this?

Abandonment is a root trigger - the response is maladaptive coping to self soothe.  There is no way to apply logic and how you might act in a similar situation because you are not BPD.

She is triggered - hurt & scared - her coping was "get rid of the problem causing the pain".  No, not a reaction a healthy person would have, but you are here because you believe she is BPD and pwBPD have extreme reactions to real or perceived emotional pain stemming from abandonment/engulfment.

I am sorry for what you are going through.  Take good care of you during this time.

[Tracy500]

Healing_Orlando,

I can tell you're as confused as I am and I totally agree with you.   I just can't believe that they fully don't understand what they're doing.  There's a point at which their inner dialogue says, "I'd do this, but I wouldn't do that. In this case, she'd kick her cancer patient husband out in the middle of the night, but she won't stab him with the kitchen knife.  They are capable of making decisions.  They are capable of putting limits on their behavior.  I believe (and so does Lundy Bancroft, author of "Why Does He Do That?  Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" that no matter what their diagnosis or background, they do make decisions to be abusive and to what degree.  It's not like something "takes them over" or they "lose their temper" as so many of them like to say.

Scott44,

You're right.  He certainly became a "burden" and she couldn't wait to find an excuse (me) that she could use to kick him out of her life.  Interesting how she has no problem letting him pay the house payments, the electric bill, insurance, cell phone bill... .  

Seeking Balance,

I have to keep remembering that I can't judge her actions by what I would do.  You're right.  I'm a healthy person and she is not. 


I'm hoping that I get to a place where I feel sorry for her.  I'm tired of feeling angry watching her get away with her horrible behavior with no consequences. 

[freshlySane]

Healing_Orlando,

I can tell you're as confused as I am and I totally agree with you.   I just can't believe that they fully don't understand what they're doing.  There's a point at which their inner dialogue says, "I'd do this, but I wouldn't do that. In this case, she'd kick her cancer patient husband out in the middle of the night, but she won't stab him with the kitchen knife.  They are capable of making decisions.  They are capable of putting limits on their behavior.  I believe (and so does Lundy Bancroft, author of "Why Does He Do That?  Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" that no matter what their diagnosis or background, they do make decisions to be abusive and to what degree.  It's not like something "takes them over" or they "lose their temper" as so many of them like to say.

Scott44,

You're right.  He certainly became a "burden" and she couldn't wait to find an excuse (me) that she could use to kick him out of her life.  Interesting how she has no problem letting him pay the house payments, the electric bill, insurance, cell phone bill... .  

Seeking Balance,

I have to keep remembering that I can't judge her actions by what I would do.  You're right.  I'm a healthy person and she is not. 


I'm hoping that I get to a place where I feel sorry for her.  I'm tired of feeling angry watching her get away with her horrible behavior with no consequences. 

OH there is  consequences she already lost her husband and he found you a healthy person. you will get thru this he will get form under this and be free free as a bird. She will have to deal with her actions but she will not know the full ramifications of her actions because there is no real remorse or inner consequence shell find something or someone knew to dump on.  Mine abused me physically emotionally robbed me cheated on me and made my life hell i suffer still but i am going to the Army i am making my life better and she will one day regret losing me because i was a catch. end of the day its there lost not yours

[Take2]

I have to agree with the reality that they know what they are doing.  At least in my case.  In any instance that we are discussing anyone else's actions on ANYTHING, he always states how they are doing whatever it is they are doing to control the situation or another person.  He knows EXACTLY how to control situations.  He knows EXACTLY the effect that his silence, his rages will have on me.  He knows to turn things around so that his own personality responsibility to his actions is not the subject of any topic.

It's sickening.