If you married a pwBPD did you give them normal trusts. How'd that go?

[Not2Crazy]

If you married a pwBPD did you give them normal trusts. How'd that go?

This is a better way to ask something I got little response to so to ask again and describe what I mean.

Since it took me to the end to learn that there was a condition to her behavior that is the BPD that made it so hard for me to understand I expected certain skills from her like discretion. What a mistake right? The worst was her telling other people about who I am and what I am about in that mix of idealization and devaluation. I expected normal and it wasn't till after that I could see how many people kinda hate me ... .  relatives ... .  church members ... .  I am asking looking for some recovery ideas. My teenage children are in her custody but realize how she says idealized things, mostly, about them that she says just because she thinks that's what she is or something. You know embarrassing flirty stuff but way out of line for just a proud mother.

[Not2Crazy]

Oops that didn't read like I thought it. I mean I trusted her to respond to relatives cards and letters and gifts, answer the phone and not give too many details, to find the best price for family health care as I was paying out of pocket being self employed, Save money any way she could find, keep the energy use down and make healthy meals. Believe me there were problems that was not met and it was always my fault the $800 energy bills in the winter in a 1500sqft home she said because of my running my 3 computers.

[copingwithhim]

Hello Not2Crazy,

Sorry to hear that your trust was compromised.  It is difficult learning the many ways our partners broke their commitments.

My uDBP stbx husband moved in with me in December, 2008.  Since my career was more demanding (and I made more money and he worked a little less than full-time), he took over our finances in January 2009.  We were then married in June 2009. 

I trusted him completely.  Two months after our marriage, we sold my car to help pay off some of my debt, as we agreed that we could manage with one car.

After losing my job, things got crazy and I had to sell my home of 23 years -- a very sad event for me, as I was really involved with my community.  A couple months later, we purchased an unfinished home 45 minutes away in the hills.  And five months later, he moved out while I was at work, leaving me with all the debt, four chickens, two rabbits and two cats.  He left his car with me for two months, but demanded it back with harassing e-mails.  I was literally stunned and stranded.

Now that we are in the process of a divorce, I've been working on the financials and here is what I found: The sale of my car went towards trips to Bermuda and Aruba.  A number of large withdrawls from his account, and three more trips (guised as work assignments) to Wyoming, Colorado and Hawaii (some trips with my replacement, a psychiatric nurse!).  Through the process of divorce, he'll have to account for everything and pay it all back.

How did he do it?  Well, all joint expenses were paid from my account, so my balances were always low; this gave him justification for always reminding me that we were struggling (and I believed him).  His paychecks and the rent he received from his house, were not always deposited into his account... .  they were deposited somewhere else.  So you can imagine that quite a bit is missing.

Yes, I trusted completely... .  we were married!  Marriage is a partnership, a Contract that he did not uphold.

How am I getting through this?  Many hours of research, reconstructing our finances.  Working full-time on the construction of my house -- it occupies both mind and body and in the end, this will be a major accomplishment that is for me!  Weekly therapy sessions with a woman who understands the fall-out from a BPD relationship.  Reading this site, bpdfamily.com.  Not jumping into another relationship.  And lastly, but most importantly, the financial and emotional support of my parents and friends.

Is there something you can do that will benefit... .  YOU?  Keep busy mentally and physically, but also allow time to process what has happened, pace your emotions, allow them surface.  Our brains are wired to resolve and learn from our issues, unlike our partners, we will recover.

All the Best,

CopingWith(Out)Him.

[Not2Crazy]

Copingwithhim you said... .  

"Yes, I trusted completely... .  we were married!  Marriage is a partnership, a Contract that he did not uphold."

is the point that I trusted my ex too. I'm thinking wow how could you have not noticed expenditures like that before but I understand that blatant underminding of trust like affairs are probably only discovered 'after the fact'  so few people are  responding to my post because we feel duped and it's just embarrassing.

I started this post thinking that I would get help with damage control and I'm trying to tell my brothers and sisters about how I feel that they don't understand me... .  you know... .  because we choose someone who not only gets away with doing whatever they feel like but truly left us having to do damage control and has anyone had success with THAT.

If the rest of you that read this want to vent too I guess this has it's purpose too. I'm distressed and feel shocked for you Copingwithhim and I guess a little fortunate that I sorta "didn't have a pot to piss in" to have let this much damage go un-noticed? Only God knows what this BPD is really if it's deamon possession or something which this post makes me think it is... .  wow... .  

but more to the point yes I gave my exwBPD trust because thats what we do as married people.

What have some of you experienced and been able to do in recovery because if "We're not on the same page, In the same book, or on the same stage" like the song says... .  speaking of the song "Can Love Stand the Test?" as apropo because I think we all have learned what it is to "bow and scrape for every shred of tenderness" through this experience to realize they probably never had a "conscious" commitment to our feelings.