any advice?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Needing to return back to home once shared with uBPDxg in few days,I general I've been getting on with my life doing the best I can,I guess I'm scared this will set me back and I'm not sure how to deal with it. If I'm honest I still love this woman but accept its over and the r/ship won't work. I've been strong and focused this time I just feel this will damage me again and its not something I can't ask someone else to do its non negotiable,has anyone been in this position or can anyone offer any suggestions? Apart from working together this will be my final contact with my ex,I'm just abit mixed up with it all

[broken but not beaten]

Needing to return back to home once shared with uBPDxg in few days,I general I've been getting on with my life doing the best I can,I guess I'm scared this will set me back and I'm not sure how to deal with it. If I'm honest I still love this woman but accept its over and the r/ship won't work. I've been strong and focused this time I just feel this will damage me again and its not something I can't ask someone else to do its non negotiable,has anyone been in this position or can anyone offer any suggestions? Apart from working together this will be my final contact with my ex,I'm just abit mixed up with it all

[Cumulus]

Yes, have been in that position. I found it very hard when I had to be near him as he would try to engage me by eliciting my sympathy, good memories, how much he did for me and on and on. My best advice would be to try and arrange a time to be there when she is gone. If you can't make that work take a friend. Even now after almost two years I would avoid being near my xBPDh, especially being alone with him. Not fear of physical abuse but rather what he does to my head. All the best as you get through this difficult time.

[charred]

My last meeting with my exBPDgf was a similar situation... she really wanted to talk to me, I had been NC with her for 4 mos and didn't want to talk, but I remember what it was like being dumped with no explanation by her, and agreed to meet. She wanted to meet for dinner... at a nice place by the mall, I insisted we eat in the mall, at the food court... less pressure. About 5 months earlier... we were supposed to be moving in together and she was excited we were going to be doing so and wanted to come on a monday and spend the day with me... I had my daughter (who can't stand her)... and had just broken off with her mother... 2 days earlier... and I said no, it was too soon... so my exBPDgf... said we would meet wednesday as planned ... and was a no show and couldn't be reached. I live 4 hrs from her and had been planning on moving down to where she lives... and she blocked me on phone, email, etc. So I decided hell with her, and blocked her and a few weeks later, she is on FB with a new guy, and then pics of her and new guy... never a word. Few months pass, I forget about it and she texts me about not having an STD and how her new guy was so excited... and she kept bugging me... I looked at her FB page and she had a pic of her and him a few miles from my house at a sporting event and it pissed me off, I sent back a zinger and we were back lobbing them back and forth... then the guy dumped her and she got an STD from him requiring laser surgery... I was like TMI, I don't want to know, but decided I would go for LC instead of NC, and try to be a friend to her and just talk/chat but not see her... .  this is how I ended up being at a mall food court with her.

So went to the mall with one goal in mind... to answer her questions about why... and to tell her the truth 100%... while maintaining my independence from her... .  not recycle and end up in bed and in the bad r/s again.

We met, she looked great, had lost about 30 lbs from last time I had seen her... and we sat down to eat/talk, she started telling me how I had made it necessary for her to see someone else because I wouldn't see or talk to her... .  I pointed out the facts... and she started trying to change dates and make her failing to break off with me or talk to me, and her sleeping with another guy... and getting an STD... my fault. I called her on the carpet... pointed out she was a liar and she wanted to go... we talked some more, she settled down and I avoided asking her anything about her replacement guy that had been so perfect and suddenly was gone... leaving her diseased and needing minor surgery... so she spun things to "its all about you, even when we are apart and I have been with someone else you don't care about me enough to ask how I am doing, how I am coping with having my heart broke... .  " and I said "I am sorry, I was just trying to be a friend, and trying to convince myself you are other than how you are." And I left. It was upsetting seeing her, and truly realizing that no amount of work could make that r/s work.

Advice... be centered... I read Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth" which has mindfulness exercises in it that helped me to stop stressing and ruminating on my problems with her. It also explained egoic vs genuine relating, and it became clear that 100% of my relations with her were the unhealthy egoic type... and being centered while in her presence... while hard... helped me to see that the egoic stuff she was throwing at me... was inauthentic... manipulations, not genuine messages of caring/concern or anything of the sort. And seeing that and realizing it... .  made it where I could finally after 30 yrs... let her go. And I believe she will be gone for good this time, finally.

While I was typing all this my screensaver on my other computer ... .  which does random things (its Linux)... kicked up her picture... and it used to just about stop my heart when that would happen and I wasn't with her... .  it just gave me a second of sadness, no real impact.

Other advice... have a plan of what you are going to accomplish and your boundaries... what you will and will not do/tolerate... and stick to it. I wasn't going to kiss her or coddle her or do anything other than what she claimed she wanted... be brutally honest... so that set her back a lot... her latest FB page has a picture of a frozen wasteland, and a message that she was thinking of someone she knew's heart... .  that is what she puts on her public FB... I am not her friend on it.

Good luck.

[TheDude]

I just did it this morning. I've had to do it with three of our 4 break ups. This time and last time were both arraigned to be done without her being home. The first time... .  well, she poured on the charm, we had insane sex, and I still had to drive away in the moving truck.

Try and set it up so she's not there.

[Mountaineagle]

When I went to get my things I brought two of my cousins, because at that time I knew I would not be able to resist otherwise. Luckily she was a high functioning one so she kept the mask. Afterwards she wanted to have a conversation with me, so i told my cousins to wait outside, and she used all the subtle guilt tricks even then. I could not utter a word so I remained silent, until the end where I said to her: "That's your view of things." And then I left. My advise would be to bring someone with you, anyone! 

[charred]

Good advice, bring someone with you... .  I took my daughter once to her place... talk about throwing a wet towel on her plans... .  hehe, it worked. My meeting was in a public place and was intentionally in a non-intimate atmosphere... the food court sucked, it set the tone for the meeting. Have boundaries about what you will do and stick to them.

Other thought... each time I didn't stick to them, each time I thought "you know its been a while since I had sex and she is hot and ... how bad could it be?" I was so wrong... .  I underestimated the terrible repercussions by at least an order of magnitude... it was always far more devastating than I allowed myself to think it would be. Having a tearful meeting where nothing good happens... .  was a victory... because I didn't end up with her and she didn't manage to manipulate me back in to an r/s with her... so I got what I wanted. Know what you want, and fight for it.