Grasping at straws for a chance to dysregulate?

[real lady]

Yesterday was an interesting day to say the least. I had spent almost 7 hrs "in his presence" since we had an ice storm, school was closed, etc. I decided to do some baking to fill the time and enjoy some reading.

I had an issue with a installed program on my laptop and with his usual sarcasm, he was obstructive in giving me any assistance as to "what I should do" to correct the issue. It started by telling him what my screen said... he then used ANOTHER WORD that I was not familiar with and told him, "my screen says... .  " and then he WENT OFF and starting speaking GEEKY GREEK to me. I try to slow him down and stop and ask him to clarify but he runs me over, verbally, like a steamroller and then expects me to understand ALL that he said and be able to repeat it back to him... .  (not really but it seems this way)

I set boundaries. I was cooking in the kitchen and gave clues that I was going to STOP finishing breakfast and that I would not continue to be yelled at my closing the computer. He continued but seemed to TRY to explain to me with some level of respect and I opened the computer and asked him STEP BY STEP what I should do to correct the issue... .  he continued with sarcasm... .  and I closed the computer again and went back to cooking and said "I am going to try to finish cooking now"... .  He continued to rail into "what I had said wrong" by "correcting him" when I was just confused and repeated what was on the screen. When I said "I will NOT be yelled at about this", he responds, even several times with 'YOU are calling ME bad". He will not accept the FACT that he yells and I don't like it, says that "I make him yell"... .  and THAT is why our conversation is down to absolute necessities.

Secondly, my son was eating his dinner and the puppies were around and instead of leaning over the table MORE he brought his plate to his lap and it fell, shattered, food on the floor and him and the girl puppy was close enough to eat some of the shards so I moved QUICKLY. We (son and I) spent the next 20 minutes, sweeping, vacuuming and then steam vacuuming the entire kitchenette area... .  I continued with the area where the puppies eat and uBPDso's computer area before I asked son to put things away. UBPDso went into a rail against son of HOW IT WAS HIS FAULT and he "could have killed" the puppy (EXTREME behavior and perspective) and I had to YELL at him and say "WE have this, KEEP the puppies away"... .  and he continued to rail and I looked at him and told him "If you want this cleaned up, take care of the puppies, THAT is YOUR job". My son later apologized and then he would not "accept it" because "my son was not sorry for doing what he should not have been doing but because the plate broke" and so he tried to rail against me, again, saying that I protect him, etc. I went upstairs, visited with son and read with him and then went back downstairs to close things down and then went to bed. Nothing else was said.

WHAT A H*LL of a day. This is a typical day with a MENTALLY ILL PERSON who refuses (or cannot) to admit that he "has a problem"... .  THIS is NO WAY to live. Yesterday will remain a BPD jewel in his crown that he is making for MY "leaving" day. I will point out this day... .  Feb. 22nd... .  as being the day that I NEVER WILL REPEAT with him again.

(ALTERNATE REALITY with a NORMAL, HEALTH person)... .  the shattered plate still would have taken the same 20 clean up but without all the hassle. A "it's ok, the puppies aren't hurt, I accept your apology bud"... .  hug... .  to my son would have occurred and a "thank you hon for cleaning it up so fast, it was no problem for me to hold the puppies back while you did all that work". Maybe 5 minutes of talk beyond clean up and the issue would have been SOLVED.

With the computer, he would have either come over and looked at it, fixed it and then told me JUST HOW not to allow that to happen again without all the blame and even an added "It's ok hon, I don't expect you to know this and you can do it yourself next time"... .  10 minutes of pleasant and helpful assistance with LOVE and concern... .  

So does YOUR pwBPD grasp at straws for a chance to dysregulate, demean you and put another wedge in your relationship, or is it just mine who is so impossible?

[freshlySane]

actually yeah my exBPDgf would like set up test i would go pick her up from work and pick up her kids from school and shed be quiet and nice and all of sudden shed demand a hug and a kiss like "what do i have to do to get some affection" now i am an affectionate person i love to hug her and give her kisses on her cheek i love the smell of her and the being in her presence. But after a night of raging she told me i was not romantic and i was just lustful so i stopped initiating contact unless she made it clear it was okay. Because i didnt initiate affection in her mind i didnt want her or i didnt want to be near her mind you im voluntaring to pick her up from work i don't drive neither did she and i lived an hour away from her work and two hrs from the kids school. pretty much it was ammo to say i dont care about her unless it involved sex which was not true. something as simple as a kiss and a hug can be done by anyone especially if one party is in need of affection from the other too me its small and its what the person does to show affection outside of a simple hug and kiss defines if you care. so yes in my case she dysregulated to suit her own warped thinking to further solidify her case. instead of trying to fix the issue that she felt not love and just desired and that she needed to see the bigger picture

[dharmagems]

RealLady,

I am sorry you go through that daily with your stbexBPDh and I am so proud that you will stick to your leaving plan.  It's hard to leave, but it's hard to stay.  There are better roads ahead without dealing with the mental illness.

dharmagems

[Rose Tiger]

You all are making me glad to be out of that life.  Sounds like your stbx was looking for reasons to 'let it out'.  Thinking about your situation, you are all walking a fine line of knowing that the relationship is over.  Even if both partners were emotionally healthy, that is a tough row to hoe.  Put BPD in the mix and your playing with dynamite.  What helped with ex was saying, you aren't in trouble, however the computer is acting up.  I'm not mad just wanted to let you know x, y, z.  Somehow he had it in his head that anything that broke or went wrong was all his fault and that he was in trouble.  Must of been some FOO fault out.  Lots of encouragement, wow, you know how to fix this?  And 'that is a good idea'.  That sort of thing.  I feel like I'm posting on the staying board,  .

The plate/dog situation is hard because you can't exit.  You did a good job.  :)id you let son talk about his feelings after the episode?  That can help a kiddo, to be validated after a scene like that.

[real lady]

RealLady,

I am sorry you go through that daily with your stbexBPDh and I am so proud that you will stick to your leaving plan.  It's hard to leave, but it's hard to stay.  There are better roads ahead without dealing with the mental illness.

dharmagems

 Thank you so much for the encouragement. I will remember this BPD DAY FROM H*LL as the solidification to my decision to END this totally dysfunctional and even abusive relationship... .  when I leave, I WILL BE HAPPY TO NOT HAVE HIS BPD BEHAVIOR IN MY LIFE... .  ever again. As "they" usually say... .  "I AM DONE"... .  I do "have to stay" for a while... .  I hope to be OUT in August... .  working on it NOW. 

You all are making me glad to be out of that life.  Sounds like your stbx was looking for reasons to 'let it out'.  

Grasping at straws... .  he doesn't have much to try to grab onto since I am "emotionally detached".

What helped with ex was saying, you aren't in trouble, however the computer is acting up.  I'm not mad just wanted to let you know x, y, z.  Somehow he had it in his head that anything that broke or went wrong was all his fault and that he was in trouble.  Must of been some FOO fault out.

 I hear you, I hear that he "hears" that he is at fault... .  sometimes, but with this, he ATTACKED ME for my ignorance and was NOT being helpful since he perceived that I was "not listening to him" since I had restated what the screen said and it appeared to him that I "corrected" him. A trigger for him... .  It is so subtle, like a land mine, I just don't see it happening until it is too late.

I feel like I'm posting on the staying board,  .

LOL... .  thanks... .  I know that I am "leaving" but "have to stay" for the time being... .  I am not undecided but I am "not staying" and your thoughts are very appropriate to my situation... .  thanks.

The plate/dog situation is hard because you can't exit.

 I just had to keep "putting up walls" and telling uBPDso to "stay on his side" while we worked... .  

You did a good job.  

thank you hon... .  

Did you let son talk about his feelings after the episode?  That can help a kiddo, to be validated after a scene like that.

Yes, he shared pretty openly with his apology to uBPDso that he loves the puppies and felt bad that they could have been hurt. He and I talked alone and he said that uBPDso "needs to clean up his act" regarding his behavior yesterday... .  he was not happy with how he "went off" on me either... .  he seems to understand that this is MENTAL ILLNESS and once we leave, we will NOT allow it in our lives ever again.

[freshlySane]

@real lady I respect you soo much your courage and strength your in the presence of your soon to be ex and you handle things with logic and self respect and dignity.

I want my ex back and I know she isn't worth it she has damaged me inside and out but to handle yourself with such dignity i commend you My NC is hard and its my burden to bare every single day of telling myself her leaving is a blessing i am just happy to see someone who can deal with this and live life to its fullest

[real lady]

@real lady I respect you soo much your courage and strength your in the presence of your soon to be ex and you handle things with logic and self respect and dignity.

((freshlySane))... .  thank you so much... .  I have actually spent QUITE A BIT of time in healing from abuse and understand the MANY STEPS that it takes to heal... .  I am so glad that I had this background when returning to my uBPDso... .  I have had no one but my counseling and this site to confide in... .  thank you. (PM me if you would like a link to my blog and FB page where I encourage abuse survivors to "find themselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again"... .  ) 

I want my ex back and I know she isn't worth it she has damaged me inside and out but to handle yourself with such dignity i commend you

I understand loving our exs (soon to be for me) but knowing HOW MUCH they continue to damage us and even more contact with them would NOT be what we hope to have with them... .  I have realized that my "dream came true" and then it died. I hope that you will see that YOU are respecting yourself and handling your situation and yourself with dignity too... .  you are worth it.

My NC is hard and its my burden to bare every single day of telling myself her leaving is a blessing i am just happy to see someone who can deal with this and live life to its fullest

It sounds like you are deeply HURT and needing healing from it... .  have you thought about seeking counseling to work through the obstacles that are your "burden". Telling yourself that "her leaving is a blessing" is a good start... .  I hear you focusing on "HER leaving"... .  how about saying... .  "Having NO CONTACT with her is a blessing" ? and then maybe, the rejection that you feel for "her leaving" will diminish and you can more easily move on... .  

Telling ourselves good things is GREAT... .  but telling ourselves TRUTHFUL things is better and leaving out the HURTFUL things is necessary. HOW you have NC with her now is not as important as YOU HAVING YOUR LIFE BACK... .  all a matter of perspective... .  HOPE this helps... .  

[real lady]

Just shaking my head in unbelief... .  talk about GRASPING at straws... .  

here is another situation from "BPD world".

I have fixed dinner and he is sitting at his computer of course. He complains that "someone left stuff on his mouse pad because there was NO room" in another place to put food, snack, water, etc...

WELL, as a problem solver, I identified the problem, or so I thought. He did not want anything on his mouse pad. OK... .  I told him "We can solve this quickly. To keep anything from "getting on your mouse pad", your meal will be at the table or I will hand it to you if you like. I will fill your coffee cup and put it on your coaster and not bring anything else over to your desk".  

HE ACCUSED ME OF WANTING TO START A FIGHT.     (What the heck)

I CLARIFIED that I was SOLVING the problem and doing "what I could do".

He could do whatever he wants but I will solve this by restricting my contact with his desk. Period. (the similar C-PAP machine mystery was very similar, "someone" had MOVED something of his... .   )

And this is a MENTALLY ILL MAN who says that I "am crazy" and wants me the "F out of his home"... .  well, I am MENTALLY VERY WELL and I WILL BE getting the F out of his home and NEVER coming back... .  someday soon, I hope.  

Thanks for letting me vent... .  

[freshlySane]

Just shaking my head in unbelief... .  talk about GRASPING at straws... .  

here is another situation from "BPD world".

I have fixed dinner and he is sitting at his computer of course. He complains that "someone left stuff on his mouse pad because there was NO room" in another place to put food, snack, water, etc...

WELL, as a problem solver, I identified the problem, or so I thought. He did not want anything on his mouse pad. OK... .  I told him "We can solve this quickly. To keep anything from "getting on your mouse pad", your meal will be at the table or I will hand it to you if you like. I will fill your coffee cup and put it on your coaster and not bring anything else over to your desk".  

HE ACCUSED ME OF WANTING TO START A FIGHT!     (What the heck)

I CLARIFIED that I was SOLVING the problem and doing "what I could do".

He could do whatever he wants but I will solve this by restricting my contact with his desk. Period. (the similar C-PAP machine mystery was very similar, "someone" had MOVED something of his... .   )

And this is a MENTALLY ILL MAN who says that I "am crazy" and wants me the "F out of his home"... .  well, I am MENTALLY VERY WELL and I WILL BE getting the F out of his home and NEVER coming back... .  someday soon, I hope.  

Thanks for letting me vent... .  

Wow this is so much like my story she went out to buy clothes for her birthday i gave her money and i was home watching the kids she came back to go on her Facebook and her log in was missing.

she complained and i told her it must of been when i cleaned the cache since the PC was running slow i didn't intentionally wipe her saves i was trying to do a nice thing she questioned me up and down why did i mess with the pc and i felt bad but it was an accident.

I left to cool down went out got dinner got mothers day cards since her birthday at the time was after mothers day gave them to the kids set out dinner for everyone.

I told the kids to sign and give her the cards she was not impressed so as a father (mind you i am just the boyfriend and share no children with her)

went in and ask her why so cold with her reception to the kids she laying on the bed depressed said " I said thank you" I asked whats wrong why you so sad she said " are we not in a relationship? why do you think i'm sad" so i said to her i got dinner and i am sorry about the PC ill refrain from using it and ill bring my laptop but i never said it to be cold or spiteful i  just didn't want to mess anything else up and send her in to a downward spiral. she flipped oh don't touch the

TV don't sit on my bed don't use the bathroom because they were not mine and since i didn't want to use her pc i must not touch anything. I went into the hall she lived in a two family house and she wanted to kick me out i got a book sat on the bottom step and read just wanted everything to calm down. she cursed and carried on and i in frustration told her do what ever you want this made her snap she ran down and kicked me in the head. first time she struck me

I guess no matter how different the person there's always similarities

[freshlySane]

Unfortunately wasnt the last time got worst then that that day and many times after but im better for the experience i know my boundaries and limits and i grew as a person for her i can not say the same

[real lady]

Unfortunately wasnt the last time got worst then that that day and many times after but im better for the experience i know my boundaries and limits and i grew as a person for her i can not say the same

But if she hit you again, she is being physically abusive to YOU... .  just because you are a man does not mean that you "can be beat" by someone and they not be charged with assault for it. PLEASE. She needs to NOT do this, not only to you but she may be learning that she can "beat men" and they won't do anything about it... .  just my thoughts... .  wishing you well... .   

[freshlySane]

Unfortunately wasnt the last time got worst then that that day and many times after but im better for the experience i know my boundaries and limits and i grew as a person for her i can not say the same

But if she hit you again, she is being physically abusive to YOU... .  just because you are a man does not mean that you "can be beat" by someone and they not be charged with assault for it. PLEASE. She needs to NOT do this, not only to you but she may be learning that she can "beat men" and they won't do anything about it... .  just my thoughts... .  wishing you well... .   

your absolutely right but she had arrest and prior legal issues due to her assaults on her previous r/s that happened to be with a women i felt bad i knew she was damaged and i never wanted to bring legal repercussions on her but i am out the r/s and i miss her but im better for it and she has to deal with her actions she is in a relationship with a guy a military man hopefully she doesn't pull that on him but i wish her the best

[real lady]

i wish her the best

Now is the time to FOCUS ON YOUR HEALING... .  I am more apt to be able to more easily detach if there is such (physical) violence... .  though impulsive, it is controllable and feels more INTENTIONAL to me than the yelling, cursing and "pushing away" of a BPD rant.

**Update: the puppies have nearly been sleeping around the clock. Maybe due to BOTH BPD being so dysregulated in the past week AND the girl puppy ending her "cycle" (whew.), they both are sleeping and eating better again.

It still seems like he "grasps at straws" to start a fight... .  always saying "YOU WANT to fight with me about it"... .  and I clarify and say "blah blah, I am telling you what I can do to solve it, blah blah". End of "conversation"... .  he constantly "sees" something that is "not right" in the house, an outside porch light left on during the day (my son?) or the water purifier (no more) left "on" (I catch HIM doing this and say nothing) or "things" he cannot find or things put on his desk, etc... .  blah blah... .  NIT PICKY LITTLE STUPID THINGS have been the cornerstone of "why he can't talk to me" and "why he doesn't trust me" and "why I disrespect him" and... .  blah blah blah... .  

ONE thing that he DID NOT dysregulate over which SURPRISED me was the grocery bill... .  with "extra" thing, it came to $400. (and then I had to buy puppy food and treats, another $150. And when I told him it was higher than I wanted it, I told him what I bought and why and he had NO problem... .  AMAZING... .  a "FIRST". But he knows that if he gave me ANY lip about it being high that I would probably just NOT go grocery shopping "for him" again. I would buy foods for my son and I and let him fend for himself. He is VERY dependent upon me and I intend to "let him pay his way" by providing what we need in the house... .  I shop, he pays... .  I look to leave and he will be OH SO SORRY someday. Sad.

[freshlySane]

i wish her the best

Now is the time to FOCUS ON YOUR HEALING... .  I am more apt to be able to more easily detach if there is such (physical) violence... .  though impulsive, it is controllable and feels more INTENTIONAL to me than the yelling, cursing and "pushing away" of a BPD rant.

**Update: the puppies have nearly been sleeping around the clock. Maybe due to BOTH BPD being so dysregulated in the past week AND the girl puppy ending her "cycle" (whew!), they both are sleeping and eating better again.

It still seems like he "grasps at straws" to start a fight... .  always saying "YOU WANT to fight with me about it"... .  and I clarify and say "blah blah, I am telling you what I can do to solve it, blah blah". End of "conversation"... .  he constantly "sees" something that is "not right" in the house, an outside porch light left on during the day (my son?) or the water purifier (no more) left "on" (I catch HIM doing this and say nothing) or "things" he cannot find or things put on his desk, etc... .  blah blah... .  NIT PICKY LITTLE STUPID THINGS have been the cornerstone of "why he can't talk to me" and "why he doesn't trust me" and "why I disrespect him" and... .  blah blah blah... .  

ONE thing that he DID NOT dysregulate over which SURPRISED me was the grocery bill... .  with "extra" thing, it came to $400. (and then I had to buy puppy food and treats, another $150. And when I told him it was higher than I wanted it, I told him what I bought and why and he had NO problem... .  AMAZING... .  a "FIRST". But he knows that if he gave me ANY lip about it being high that I would probably just NOT go grocery shopping "for him" again. I would buy foods for my son and I and let him fend for himself. He is VERY dependent upon me and I intend to "let him pay his way" by providing what we need in the house... .  I shop, he pays... .  I look to leave and he will be OH SO SORRY someday. Sad.

Again i commend you, you do not fall in to traps as much as he tries to i fell soo much into her little traps  and when i asserted myself it was too late she had me figured out

but like my family and friends tell me God took me away from her even though she left me God saw that i deserved better and her Karma if you will is her losing me and she might not find another as loving and devoted to her as i was. She is a single mother of three she 28 and just now got a good job where she can provide for them i mean i helped every step of the way but unfortunately in our society people look down on single young mothers my family and friends and even strangers told me to not be with her because she has three kids.

But i love those kids but the stigma alone of that and having BPD traits is a lot for any one person but your right I love me again 3 years of being put down Told i didn't deserve to live and all kinds of hurtful debilitating things i finally found the good in goodbye and i love me again. I can not say she will not find another she probably will but not another like me I love her kids as mine and i loved her unconditionally a very rare thing in this day and age.

[real lady]

i deserved better and her Karma if you will is her losing me and she might not find another as loving and devoted to her as i was.

Both are TRUE... .  you deserve better and she may NOT find someone like you... .  I feel the SAME way ((freshlySane))

I love me again 3 years of being put down Told i didn't deserve to live and all kinds of hurtful debilitating things i finally found the good in goodbye and i love me again.

       

I can not say she will not find another she probably will but not another like me I love her kids as mine and i loved her unconditionally a very rare thing in this day and age.

It is IN THE MOMENTS like this that I remind myself (and you may want to remind yourself too) that

"I have done all that I could for a person I loved but I am not willing to let the consequences that he (she) will face for his (her) behavior toward me to change how I feel about caring for myself, loving myself and I WILL NOT LET IT STOP ME from living the rest of my life, LOVED and FREE from abuse". I will move on with a CLEAN conscience, though pained heart from the loss of the love that I had given to him (her and her kids)  

[real lady]

UPDATE>>

this must be a MILESTONE in dealing with a BPD... .  which I KNOW that my uBPDso suffers from daily.Last night, as always, it is JUST A LITTLE THING that he sees "such a problem" with that he starts in on my son (explaining with much disgruntlement and criticism) over the way my son walked to the table... .  OVER the dogs... Well, at 5 p.m. he talked until I left the house at 6:25... .  going OVER and OVER the same "problem" that is "95% or our communication problem BY me". It quickly turned from "a little change of opinion" to "ME defending my son" (OH, that is SUCH an awful thing for me to do)and saying that I am "siding with another man"... .  I STOPPED HIM... .  I told him "he is a boy, he is MY SON" would he feel that I was defensive of a girl child as much. What I feel is a PROBLEM for him but he pushes off as being a "moot point" and one of the "rabbit trails" that I am accused of sending him down with each conversation. I cannot even validate him fast enough when I am dealing with MY motherly instincts, checking in with my child and seeing that he is dealing with anger and control from uBPDso and he states how he feels and I DEFENDED HIS RIGHT TO SHARE HIS FEELINGS AND LEAVE THE ROOM... .  right now, I will not allow uBPDso near my son. OH, He has taken away "his laptop" with the online game that he set my son up with last week and they have been playing the past two nights. GOOD RIDDANCE... .  he won't play it again and uBPDso thinks that he has "hurt him" or "showed me" that he "doesn't have to be nice"... ;.WHAT A LOSER. I am glad that my son won't be playing that game and I will tell him NOT to ask for it... .  ever. IF BPDso offers (always with conditions), my son will calmly say "no thanks, I don't care to play" and WALK AWAY. Consequences. Sometimes they are hard but my son will follow through with this.

We had already talk about my leaving and that "I was trying to rebuild my life as fast as I could but I GAVE IT ALL UP to be with him and have suffered broken promises and shattered dreams"... .  I told him that HE HAS DISRESPECTED ME in this.

He told me: "Call his dad to come and get him, YOU are going to the "Y"... .  TONIGHT."... .  I called my son, after he had gone to his room after stating "I feel criticized" and told him to get his coat and backpack... .  I got on my coat and grabbed my purse... .  and THEN he said "WELL< this is what YOU want"... .  and I repeatedly stated "ARE YOU TAKING US TO THE Y? YOU are kicking us out, we will leave with you" (or complying to his request in a very quick and OK type of response. NO fight, no begging, no pleading, no resisting... .  I thought, WHY NOT... .  what is the WORST that can happen, WHAT HE PLANNED ON DOING or... .  Was it a manipulation and I CALLED HIS BLUFF... .  

I ASKED HIM if HE WOULD RELEASE me to go to my choir practice... .  he would not respond. He only said that I "wasn't allow to take his car and I wouldn't be able to go to the rehearsal"... .  My son and I were packed, I grabbed him and walked out the door and left. I told him that we are going to the Y and I will have a policeman bring his car back to him... .  (wanting to follow through with the impact I suppose)

He came out the door yelling something, I refused to hear him... .  He called... .  I didn't pick up. I listened to the voice mail and he was "calmly" telling me that the car and phone is his and I will be taken off the insurance and I would have no phone service... .  I called, he answered and said "we are at rehearsal, I will be bringing your car back to you, we should be there by about 8:30 and I hung up", NO talking allowed. I was almost late to rehearsal and my son was a little shaken up after that.

After that, HE TALKED and said he is "needing a solution" that "this stress is too much"... .  validated where I could. Told him that HE HAS disrespected me and that I have been DEEPLY hurt by him (without saying that I have totally given up on the relationship) and he follows through with WANTING TO HAVE SOMEONE MEDIATE our "talk" to see if they can "see what is wrong"... .  I agreed. I already have asked for another counselor for him and I.

I told him that "I was wounded and could not try to rebuild a relationship UNTIL I felt that it would not be built upon those broken promises"... .  I also told him that the "partnership" has eroded and THAT would be a prime place to start rebuilding IF he wants to have a relationship with me. He said "I am sorry that if I did anything that hurt you unintentionally. I am sorry that if I did anything that hurt you intentionally"... .  what is this? He is sorry IF HE DID ANYTHING that hurt me... .  I TOLD HIM THAT I BELIEVED THAT HE HURT ME INTENTIONALLY. I am not offering forgiveness, as I do not have it to offer him and he is not seeking it. I don't feel that he has ANY remorse BEYOND the fact that he "has lost me again" and "I HAD loved him very much and probably always would" (but that doesn't mean that I would WANT to be with him, no_)

Overall... .  I got to bed by midnight and up at 6... .  he came to bed WITH the girl puppy at 5 and I would not/could not get up yet.

I will be talking with my counselor today and GETTING A COUPLES COUNSELOR... .  as I AGREED TO GO WITH HIM but I have NOT suggested or pushed for this, only followed through on WHAT HE SAID HE WANTED.

We AGREED to "NOT TALK" or argue UNTIL we have someone who can "mediate" for us.

Progress but honestly, I am not even hopeful. I have lost all the hope that carried me for several months and I am "from Missouri" (not really, ) ... .  I don't believe in anything I see and if he wants me to believe it, he will have to SHOW ME.

This was a BIG BIG blow up... .  and I called his bluff and he tried to turn it around so that I was leaving and he was the victim... .  I made it clear that victims defend themselves, NOT attack others as HE was attacking me.

Full day... .  AWAY from the house. Thanks for reading and sharing a comment if you would like. This is "new territory".

[Rose Tiger]

First of all   to you.  What a night!  I do not like him involving your son as I can see you do not appreciate that either!

Real Lady, does he have any cash?  Can you say, I will need X number of dollars to reset up a household and get out of your hair?

[real lady]

First of all   to you.  What a night.  I do not like him involving your son as I can see you do not appreciate that either.

THANK YOU for the  ; giving one back to YOU ((RT))  ... .  yes, WHAT a night. I was surprised that he STOPPED DEAD IN HIS TRACKS when he saw that I was not only WILLING but WANTING AND READY to go... .  then he "turned it around" so he was the victim and I wouldn't allow it... .  I grabbed his hand TO PUSH ME OUT THE DOOR... .  like he had over 25 years ago... .  when he FIRST lost me... .  I had already told him that "he has lost me again and would have to WIN MY HEART BACK":... .  I mean it.  He says he loves my son but I think that he is trying to "minimize the stress between us" as though my son is the "cause"... .  uBPDso first dysregulated GREATLY when I was first understanding BPD when my son was NOT EVEN LIVING WITH US yet. Just an excuse finder, someone to blame.

Real Lady, does he have any cash?  Can you say, I will need X number of dollars to reset up a household and get out of your hair?

I have actually ASKED him this question and he has hemmed and hawed about how I "don't deserve it"... .  blah blah blah... .  I gave up a job making XYZ $$$ per year and supported my son and I and NOW I ONLY have child support and very little at that... .  HE OWES ME and I have mentioned this... .  I will bring this up again in counseling... .  it will be me pushing for separation but at this point, I don't see any reason to NOT proceed with it. There is NOTHING that stops me from being free from this, there is NO promise that he has made and broken that he has made right... .  he owes me BIG TIME and once I push for this, he will hold off because he knows, since I told him several times, that "IF I had the money and could leave NOW, we would be gone"... .  I mean that too.   

Thanks for reading my LONG vent and replying;... .