A letter my mother will never read

[lipsticklibrarian]

Hey guys,

There is this feature in the Guardian about writing letters to people they will never read. I was inspired by it and decided to write one to my mother. Please feel free to give me some feedback or even write one of your own.


To my mother who is mentally ill

I understand, I have thought about you and your life and our relationship more than anything else in the past three years. I’ve tried to understand your behavior your mood swings and your cruelty. I understand your childhood, you were not given much attention you were made to leave your parents house when you were so young, without qualifications and somehow survived.

You worked in a factory, met a drug addict or was it drug dealer? Set up house with him, had an abortion and re-united with your mother who rescued you. Then you met my father who also came from broken family, he didn’t love you because he couldn’t but you found ways of coercing him in to staying with you, you had me.

You felt alone, depressed and sick of being poor and unloved, I made your life worth living. You went back to school and made something of yourself, divorced my father and met someone else.

Why did you marry that awful man? Why did you let him bully me? He called me pathetic every day and instead of protecting me you joined in, I cannot forgive you for that. You should not have had children if you don’t know how to love and nurture them. You still try to bully me sometimes and now I defend myself. You made a joke about my slowness and I defended myself, your eyes that dinner looked insane, I could see your brain churning so much hatred.

I used to really admire you for your work ethic and your strength but something has taken over you and you are rotting inside. I need guidance as to how to be a good adult but I struggle to find anything I admire in your character. You’re a bully, a liar, you manipulate people, you abuse, torment and control. 

You have tried to sabotage my life so many times, friendships, jobs, relationships so you could control and belittle me and I’d have nowhere to turn for help. If I achieve something I keep it from you because you’ll only ruin it with your sour mood. It’s like parts of you never developed properly and talking to you is like talking to an angry, confused child.

You turned me in to your caretaker, your psychologist, your parent instead of having a normal childhood I was confided in like a little lover. You were not there for me when I needed you. I had to learn everything so fast when I left home, a rushed adolescence and you still tried to get me back. I knew even before I fully understood what you are that nothing was sweeter than independence from you and that’s the way I’ve stayed.

I accepted my job abroad because I needed to get away from you until you realized what was happening to you and sought help. I’m staying away until you learn not to let your disease take over you. I don’t want my children to meet you because I don’t want them to feel what I’ve felt from knowing you.  I feel so much happier and free without you in my life. I have found love in my friends and my relationship that I want to share with my children, I want their formative years to be full of the love you never gave me.

So now I’m waiting, waiting for you to either get better or die because I won’t be part of your life if you continue to deteriorate like this. I hope that you realize living this way is a choice and you can go and get help though that means admitting your wrong which you’d never done.

You are so lucky to have me as a daughter I am a wonderful, brave interesting person and all your hatefulness can’t change that. I hope you step back and get some help because my life is wonderful and you’re going to wind up missing all of it.


Sincerely, your daughter

[Kwamina]

You have tried to sabotage my life so many times, friendships, jobs, relationships so you could control and belittle me and I’d have nowhere to turn for help. If I achieve something I keep it from you because you’ll only ruin it with your sour mood. It’s like parts of you never developed properly and talking to you is like talking to an angry, confused child.

Thanks for sharing this letter! It's clear that your mother has hurt you a lot. I can relate to many things you've said in this letter like the sabotage of friendships and relationships and how she ruins achievements with her sour mood. One of my my mother's 'hobbies' was fault-finding, no matter what I did or how well I did it, she'd always make negative comments. It's nearly impossible to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-respect when your primary caregiver is always putting you down.

In many ways borderliners really are children, you just can't reason with them like you're able to do with a normal adult.

I'm very happy for you that you've developed ways to defend yourself against her behavior and that you've put your own well-being first.