What about us? Why would we have put up with it?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi all,

I broke up with my BPDexgf a few months ago, and it has been an agonizing, confusing, and all-around hellish recovery for me, which I've been managing through weekly therapy sessions and medication.

For a brief summary of my relationship - as many of you describe, it was a powerfully intense and loving bond at the beginning, punctuated by  red-flags which I ignored at the time. For example, she was furious at me for inviting a friend with us to dinner, since it meant that I "didn't care about the relationship." She told me that one of her weekly therapy sessions was spent angry at me for wearing sneakers instead of dress shoes to a dinner. She also presented her romantic history as a story of being constantly victimized by her exbfs. The thing that was most terrifying was that one night while lying in bed, she admitted having murderous thoughts toward her ex for abandoning her. And it's here that I'm facing the biggest difficulty with my thoughts about the relationship - how did I not run immediately after that? Instead, she continued to pressure me for commitment to marriage, and I even considered the possibility. However, I fell ill with stomach issues, and went to the hospital a bunch of times. She told me my illness was psychosomatic because I didn't want to commit to her, and would just abandon her. I assured her that wasn't true. But I kept getting sicker. And then after 3 ER visits, she asked me if I had bought an engagement ring. When I said not yet, that I was still feeling like crap, she said "We need to break up." I was devastated, and begged her not to, and she fell down crying and saying "You're gonna leave me. Everyone always does." I assured her that wasn't going to happen.

But try as I might, I couldn't go through with it. And she started insulting me for my stomach issues. She called me a hypochondriac. She said I was a "goddamn neurotic." She told me I was crazier than she was. She said everything in the relationship was my fault, because I didn't really want to be with her. And that if I only did more things for her, everything would be fine. When I was sick and barely eating (lost 20-30 pounds), she complained that she missed going out to eat.

It feels really good to get all of this off my chest. But I can't shake the feeling that this entire relationship was crazy, and that it makes no sense why I continued to remain in a  basically abusive bond. Of course the worst abuse happened at the end, when I told her she couldn't force me to marry her, that I want to make the decision of my own free will and not be bullied into it. She went off the deep end, looked like she would become violent, made brutal threats, screamed at the top of her lungs. She called me 30 times in the subsequent 2 months. The last thing she said to me was "You will always be alone. No one will ever love you."

So, looking back at everything, and seeing just how bad things were, I can't escape the thought that there must be something very wrong with me for having endured this. It's completely obvious from everything that happened, that she has BPD (which she admitted early in the relationship, but very disingenuously underplayed. She said "it's not serious, it just means I like to create drama in relationships." But looking at my emotional dependence, and the hellish months after the breakup, filled with enormous pain and self-loathing, I'm starting to wonder if I have BPD too? Why else would I have stuck with a relationship that was destroying me, mentally and physically? Did I not just idealize the relationship as good, whitewashing all the  red-flags, no matter how extreme they got? If so, isn't this just BPD then?

Or hopefully, do any of you have a better way of looking at this whole situation?

Thanks so much for reading.

[jp77]

Hi all,

I broke up with my BPDexgf a few months ago, and it has been an agonizing, confusing, and all-around hellish recovery for me, which I've been managing through weekly therapy sessions and medication.

For a brief summary of my relationship - as many of you describe, it was a powerfully intense and loving bond at the beginning, punctuated by  red-flags which I ignored at the time. For example, she was furious at me for inviting a friend with us to dinner, since it meant that I "didn't care about the relationship." She told me that one of her weekly therapy sessions was spent angry at me for wearing sneakers instead of dress shoes to a dinner. She also presented her romantic history as a story of being constantly victimized by her exbfs. The thing that was most terrifying was that one night while lying in bed, she admitted having murderous thoughts toward her ex for abandoning her. And it's here that I'm facing the biggest difficulty with my thoughts about the relationship - how did I not run immediately after that? Instead, she continued to pressure me for commitment to marriage, and I even considered the possibility. However, I fell ill with stomach issues, and went to the hospital a bunch of times. She told me my illness was psychosomatic because I didn't want to commit to her, and would just abandon her. I assured her that wasn't true. But I kept getting sicker. And then after 3 ER visits, she asked me if I had bought an engagement ring. When I said not yet, that I was still feeling like crap, she said "We need to break up." I was devastated, and begged her not to, and she fell down crying and saying "You're gonna leave me. Everyone always does." I assured her that wasn't going to happen.

But try as I might, I couldn't go through with it. And she started insulting me for my stomach issues. She called me a hypochondriac. She said I was a "goddamn neurotic." She told me I was crazier than she was. She said everything in the relationship was my fault, because I didn't really want to be with her. And that if I only did more things for her, everything would be fine. When I was sick and barely eating (lost 20-30 pounds), she complained that she missed going out to eat.

It feels really good to get all of this off my chest. But I can't shake the feeling that this entire relationship was crazy, and that it makes no sense why I continued to remain in a  basically abusive bond. Of course the worst abuse happened at the end, when I told her she couldn't force me to marry her, that I want to make the decision of my own free will and not be bullied into it. She went off the deep end, looked like she would become violent, made brutal threats, screamed at the top of her lungs. She called me 30 times in the subsequent 2 months. The last thing she said to me was "You will always be alone. No one will ever love you."

So, looking back at everything, and seeing just how bad things were, I can't escape the thought that there must be something very wrong with me for having endured this. It's completely obvious from everything that happened, that she has BPD (which she admitted early in the relationship, but very disingenuously underplayed. She said "it's not serious, it just means I like to create drama in relationships." But looking at my emotional dependence, and the hellish months after the breakup, filled with enormous pain and self-loathing, I'm starting to wonder if I have BPD too? Why else would I have stuck with a relationship that was destroying me, mentally and physically? Did I not just idealize the relationship as good, whitewashing all the  red-flags, no matter how extreme they got? If so, isn't this just BPD then?

Or hopefully, do any of you have a better way of looking at this whole situation?

Thanks so much for reading.

[clairedair]

Why else would I have stuck with a relationship that was destroying me, mentally and physically? Did I not just idealize the relationship as good, whitewashing all the  red-flags, no matter how extreme they got?

Hi jp77

I'm no psychiatrist/therapist but I've read on here more than once that if you question whether or not you are a person with BPD, then you're not.  The fact that you are looking at your behaviour and questioning your role in the relationship is more of an indication that you are not pwBPD.

I have questioned myself over and over again about my reasons for sticking with a relationship that negatively impacted (and continues to impact) my physical, mental and financial health and well-being.  A relationship that affected my relationship with others close to me.  I think there are several, sometimes interlinking reasons for me - an upbringing where marriage was sacred and love and forgiveness integral to beliefs; a long-term relationship with children involved; guilt on my part for having hurt him badly at one point in our marriage; addiction to the highs (hate to admit this).  In some ways knowing about BPD made it worse - I saw him as ill and excused the behaviours and actions that were not just hurtful but cruel.  I figured I was strong enough and clever enough to deal with his issues whilst maintaining my own equilibrium (didn't happen). 

Keep reading the articles on the site and other posts.  There's a good article about 'beliefs that keep us stuck' that has helped me.

I beat myself up a lot about the number of recycles I allowed and that I am once again struggling - it doesn't help in the long run but it is good to try to work out our own stuff.  Even better if we work it out and make changes!  I'm not there yet but will keep trying.

I hope you are feeling physically better after all your hospital trips even if the emotional health takes longer.

take care,

Claire

[wishingwell17]

jp77,

I agree with Claire:

I'm no psychiatrist/therapist but I've read on here more than once that if you question whether or not you are a person with BPD, then you're not.  The fact that you are looking at your behaviour and questioning your role in the relationship is more of an indication that you are not pwBPD.

I am also struggling. I think I believed falsely (like Claire) I was strong enough, kind enough, smart enough, loving enough to handle our r/s. I'm just now learning that I am not, and even if I was, that strong or smart, it is not something I MUST do at the expense of my spirit.

Also, you note she was very callous when you were ill. I have read in stories here, as well as experienced myself, if we stumble, need help, get sick... .  anything which switches our focus away from their needs (24/7) a tantrum/rage/event will soon transpire. I will say with 100% certainty in my situation this is true.

I'm so sorry for you having to deal with the pain of your partners behaviors while you were so ill. 

I hope you are feeling better. I sometimes feel there will be things about my r/s of which I will not be able to answer and will need to trust myself and let go.

Wishing you healing, all around.

[jp77]

Thanks guys, it really makes me feel better to know that other people have experienced something at least sort of similar to what I've gone through. Makes me feel less alone.

And thanks for the well wishes - my stomach's been feeling a lot better. I had a brief severe exacerbation of my stomach issues after the breakup, CT scan diagnosed colitis. But with the freedom of being out of the relationship, and therapy, I've been gradually feeling better physically. Though emotionally and mentally I'm definitely still struggling.

I guess I need to figure out how to stop beating myself up for what went wrong. My BPDexgf was a psychiatrist, who seemed acutely skilled at pinning everything wrong with the relationship on me. And I guess I was willing to go along with it, until I realized I was just accepting way too much blame for not being perfect, and I started to realize it was her needs that were extreme and unreasonable, not my behavior.

Thanks again for listening.

[clairedair]

Glad to hear that your physical health is improving.  You're right - not having to deal with the emotional rollercoaster should leave you more time to get well!  Recovering your mental/emotional health will no doubt take more time but if you feel better physically, that will help.

Interesting that your exgf was a psychiatrist.  My ex is also in a medical/caring role and very empathetic and understanding in his job and with friends etc.  But when I've been ill or needed support, the empathy disappears after a day or so!  Just as wishingwell has experienced.

He's also very good at apologising but making it sound like it's still my fault!  I don't think it's deliberate in the sense that he's trying to hurt me - I think he's just doing what he needs to do to feel better about himself.  For example, I got an e-mail from him to apologise for leaving/reconciling several times.  It read like something from AA steps where you apologise to people you have hurt.  But the same e-mail manages to cover how unfulfilling life with me was (though he will always love me!); how he can no longer feel responsible for the breakdown of our marriage (to remind me that a good bit of it was my fault) etc. 

He frequently states that he feels envious of how I can express my needs so well when he can't.  That he has never been able to do this.  I always bite my tongue because at the time he is like a vulnerable child and I feel like he's trying to share something difficult so I don't want to invalidate him but all the time I'm thinking "You need to leave and you leave; you need another relationship and you have another relationship; you need to come back and you come back". 

He's right - I am good at expressing my needs - they just rarely get met!

[fakename]

hey jp77,

i know how you feel,

and i also spent time wondering why i put up with my r/s as long as i did. even when she left me for a year to try to be in a relationship with someone else... .  

the member '2010' has a lot of great posts that have helped me since i came to this site. i broke up with my ex on feb 4th after finding out she lied to me and went on a date with someone (this was a day after she came crying back to me to get back together and we had a talk about what each other needed in the r/s) we've have been NC since, except she emailed me 2 days ago saying "chantix will help you quit smoking"

anyway, 2010 explains something called 'lonely child' that you should read if you haven't already:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

[clairedair]

jp77,

I am also struggling. I think I believed falsely (like Claire) I was strong enough, kind enough, smart enough, loving enough to handle our r/s. I'm just now learning that I am not, and even if I was, that strong or smart, it is not something I MUST do at the expense of my spirit.

Hi wishingwell17,

I like the phrase "expense of my spirit" - that's a great way of describing what happens.  Our spirit is diminished bit by bit and I know I have risked my spirit too often.  Part of why I struggle just now is that I am angry with myself that I allowed this (more than once).  Easy to tell others to go easy on themselves - we need to do it for ourselves too.

take care