Reframing and new realizations

[mosaicbird]

Wow. I can't believe the realization I just had... .  It's strange how you can look at the same thing, the same story, for years and think of it one way... .  Then you look at it from another perspective, and it becomes something else entirely and things fall into place.

My mother wrote a short story for a writing class a few years ago about my first week of life after being brought home... .  There are definitely things that stood out to me at the time and that looked like red flags. The gist is that my grandmother had agreed to help out for 2 weeks, but when my mother arrived home, my grandmother was in one of her cold, martyr-like moods and expressed no desire to help with "that baby". But she ended up taking on the bulk of comforting (walking with me and holding me all night), while my mother would just let me cry throughout the day and night because she was too tired to deal with me. (She also told my mother her milk was "bad" and was "poisoning" me, and that's why I cried all the time!)

I interpreted the story as, obviously there were attachment issues and unmet needs very early on, but my grandmother was there for me, and that explains why I bonded to her so much and loved her so much. So what can the issue be, if there was someone there for me?

But the story ends with my grandmother leaving after 10 days. It never occurred to me before to interpret this as an abandonment, and never occurred to me that I'd experienced a "loss" during early life! Now it seems almost glaringly obvious that my primary bond was with someone that left... .  The person that soothed and held me on my first night home from the hospital, the first adult I felt love and comfort from... .  was her.

I've always loved my grandmother fiercely, shared more with her than I share with my mother, and looked to her for love and affirmation. But there were at least three abandonments - that first one, when I was 10 days old. Another, when I was 4 and she lived with us for a while and then left again. And then another, when I was 8-9, when the same thing happened. (She has severe OCD, codependency issues, and is very difficult to live with, because she's very controlling and hypersensitive.) All of the memories I consider my happiest from childhood are of visiting her - and all the worst, when we had to leave again. I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry for hours when we had to leave. (She was 4 hours away, and we only visited a few times a year, usually for 2 weeks at a time.) I'm just... .  stunned. Stunned that I never saw the pattern before. My grandmother talks about the bond we have all the time.

What now, I don't know... .  But I've put another piece of the puzzle together. I never, ever resented or got angry at my grandmother for "abandoning" me to the care of my mother, even though she expresses regret about it, because I knew (or I think I knew?)* that she couldn't take care of me herself, but it must have had some effect, nonetheless... .  That nobody, not even the primary bond, was there to save me from her.

* Ridiculous even to express the notion that I "knew". If I think about it, I was always asking Why. Why can't Mom-mom live with us? Why can't we live with her? Why can't I live with her? I want to live with Mom-mom!

[GeekyGirl]

Isn't it wild how you can see things from a different angle now?

But I've put another piece of the puzzle together. I never, ever resented or got angry at my grandmother for "abandoning" me to the care of my mother, even though she expresses regret about it, because I knew (or I think I knew?)* that she couldn't take care of me herself, but it must have had some effect, nonetheless... .  That nobody, not even the primary bond, was there to save me from her.

It's clear that you and your grandmother have a strong bond, and it's very likely that your grandmother felt guilty for leaving you with your mother. That was probably incredibly hard for her. Hopefully she also keeps the fond and happy memories of the time you two spent together in the forefront of mind, rather than the guilt. 

[Kwamina]

Just like having the sun shine on you for a few moments, just enough to make you hope for a brighter future again and then to have it taken away once more. I understand how this must have been very difficult for you. Growing up I depended on my youngest sister for unconditional love and affection, but after she moved out things really started going downhill for me. She used to be the primary target of our mother's hateful behavior, but after she left I became the new target and I was an even easier target since I'm much younger than my sister. I also never resented or got angry at my sister for leaving, but looking back I realized that this 'abandonment' was very hard for me. It's strange how it sometimes takes us many years to see what seems so obvious now. Maybe it's just that we were too busy trying to survive our childhood that we didn't have any time to reflect on anything while growing up, always on guard for the next attack.

[mosaicbird]

and it's very likely that your grandmother felt guilty for leaving you with your mother. That was probably incredibly hard for her.

Yes, I know she feels guilty about it... .  She's said so, and said the times she left were the hardest things she's ever done. (And she has been through truly horrific things in her life.) I would never breathe a word of this realization to her. 

I also never resented or got angry at my sister for leaving, but looking back I realized that this 'abandonment' was very hard for me.

Same... .  I've never had a negative thought or feeling towards her in my life, and I don't think I ever will.

(Well, I do feel resentful about being dragged into my mother's crises by her, and resent that I always have to be the strong one, but the anger is directed towards my mother.)

[Clearmind]

I've always loved my grandmother fiercely, shared more with her than I share with my mother, and looked to her for love and affirmation. But there were at least three abandonments - that first one, when I was 10 days old. Another, when I was 4 and she lived with us for a while and then left again. And then another, when I was 8-9, when the same thing happened. (She has severe OCD, codependency issues, and is very difficult to live with, because she's very controlling and hypersensitive.) All of the memories I consider my happiest from childhood are of visiting her - and all the worst, when we had to leave again. I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry for hours when we had to leave. (She was 4 hours away, and we only visited a few times a year, usually for 2 weeks at a time.) I'm just... .  stunned. Stunned that I never saw the pattern before. My grandmother talks about the bond we have all the time.

Mosaic, I went through that same exercise with my therapist and the one that really hit was the one at 8 years old. That is such a mark in time for me – possibly being 8 I could also rationalize it a bit more than I could have in my younger years.

What now, I don't know... .  But I've put another piece of the puzzle together. I never, ever resented or got angry at my grandmother for "abandoning" me to the care of my mother, even though she expresses regret about it, because I knew (or I think I knew?)* that she couldn't take care of me herself, but it must have had some effect, nonetheless... .  That nobody, not even the primary bond, was there to save me from her.

* Ridiculous even to express the notion that I "knew". If I think about it, I was always asking Why. Why can't Mom-mom live with us? Why can't we live with her? Why can't I live with her? I want to live with Mom-mom!

You may have known mosaic however the difference is sometimes we don’t realize the impact these events have on us as adults.

Our childhood conditioning and these life events do shape us and it takes some work to create a new template – re-vamp our values.

Put your 8 year old hat on - What did your mother:

1)   Permit/allow you to do?

2)   Prescribe you to do?

3)   Prohibit you to do?

Think big ticket items when you do this exercise  - The 3 P's - permission, prescription and prohibition (childhood conditioning)

The list we come up with are the values your mom instilled in you – some maybe questionable to you now  – once we begin to recognize the 3 P’s we can begin to re-shape the values – toss out the ones we no longer want in our lives and keep the ones that still fit.

You can do the same for your grandmother if you wish – given she was also a carer in your life?

[mosaicbird]

Oh. Wow, those are really, really difficult questions to think about. That was a very painful, tumultuous time of my life and it's usually one I avoid thinking about except to note facts and events in the timeline. It has a sort of emotional forcefield around it. I don't remember much of my mother from that time period... .  she was working a lot, and I really only remember when I got in trouble for something.

Basic timeline of events from around then: Moved to new town/school in middle of school year. Made new friends in neighborhood. Mom-mom moved back in with us. Ran away with older (13 year old?) friend after Mom-mom moved away again in the middle of summer... friend said she would be my "new mother". Got in huge trouble; so did she. She hated me after that and would try to get other kids to run me down on their bikes. Not allowed to be at house by myself anymore - sent off to spend days with people from church. They had a pig farm, and I spent most of my time with the pigs and cats. Good memories, but some traumatic experiences with slaughtered/injured animals. Sent to new religious school at start of next school year to cure me of "bad influences".

1) Permitted: Reading, drawing, playing in yard, playing violin, riding "little kid" bike, playing alone, roller skating in basement

2) Prescribed: I don't remember hearing many "to dos". It was all "do nots". Unless "Continue to get the good grades we expect of someone with your intelligence" is a prescription.

3) Prohibited (mother): Talking back, being loud, being angry, being friends with boys, going downtown with friends, riding "10 speed" bikes, being friends with anyone whose parents she didn't know, talking to strangers, staying out after dark, sleeping around (seriously! the entirety of my birds-and-bees talk was when I was 10, and consisted of, ":)o you know that you can get pregnant when your period starts? Okay, so don't go sleeping around with lots of boys."

3b) Prohibited (grandmother): Being dirty, touching anything in the kitchen, not washing my hands, touching her things, walking in the kitchen, talking back to my mother, putting things back in the wrong place

[Clearmind]

stick at that exercise mosaic, you will begin to see patterns - it not something you can do in an hour - when I did it I was amazed at how many contradictions I had growing up - its no wonder as an adult I was confused.

At first glance there appears to be more prohibitions which was the case for me too. Very few permissions - like being permitted healthy boundaries, talking about feelings/emotions etc.

[mosaicbird]

At first glance there appears to be more prohibitions which was the case for me too. Very few permissions - like being permitted healthy boundaries, talking about feelings/emotions etc.

Yes, there certainly were... .  I feel as though I spent most of my childhood hearing how not to be. I've run into the 'core values' concept on this site a few times, and have come up with zilch each time. Pretty scary to realize I don't even think I have any, unless it comes to the very basics of not being a sociopath (like, don't hurt animals or innocent people). Geez. 

[Clearmind]

Yes mosaic I get it! We need to relinquish some of that old conditioning – which is the purpose of the 3 P’s exercise.

I wrote down a bunch of events that have happened over my life that did not sit right. Despite the fact they didn’t sit right, in my gut, I did nothing – i.e. I didn’t set a boundary because as a child I was taught to be limitless – give, give, give and I was not listened to. A Borderline parent sucks the air out of the room – there was no room for me. Feelings and emotional reactions were so frowned upon.

This makes it hard when you are an adult. However, what we are in fact doing is living our life based on those ‘values’ instilled in us kids – i.e. “do as I say, or else” – we weren’t permitted boundaries. Knowing our values we can then protect ourselves with boundaries – this takes practice because it doesn’t come naturally to us kids with BPD parents. You can do it! It can feel risky however that is our childhood conditioning kicking in.

We need to learn to STOP (pause) – FEEL (check in to our body) – ACT (set a boundary)

When I sat with that list I looked at what values were compromised. If you search the net you can find a bunch of site which list personal values – if you go through the list and see which ones scream out for you.

[mosaicbird]

Okay, so perhaps something I need to do is explore the dissonance between what I think of as my "values" and how I actually live my life... .  

For instance: Honesty. I consider this an important value/trait, and I demand it from people. I claim to be a very blunt, honest, up-front person, and in many cases this is true... .  but it's only true up to a point. The point I consider "safe", i.e., things against which I've already guarded myself. And I do lie, not just by omission, and I feel no awareness of guilt about it (only a fear of being found out, and the consequence of that, which is harm to myself and/or the people I care about). The contradiction between (supposed) value and act is there plain as day. Hence my feeling that I have no core values, because I consistently violate the ones I claim to have. Can one have a core value that consists only of "survival"?

[Clearmind]

I would have to say the few things that really helped me in my healing were:

• learning to reframing my thoughts TOOLS: Ease your pain by reframing your thoughts



• Understanding my triggers and using Wise Mind to sort my way through it by learning to balance my emotions Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind; and



• Working solidly on my values and boundaries BOUNDARIES - Living our values

   

Okay, so perhaps something I need to do is explore the dissonance between what I think of as my "values" and how I actually live my life... .  

Yes we need to live our values – it shows integrity and shows others we are authentic/genuine. Values are who we are!

Can one have a core value that consists only of "survival"?

I can only speak for myself here mosaic – having a BPD parent meant that I didn’t even know what my core values were – it didn’t mean I didn’t have any – they are there – they are either a) confused/contradictory because of my upbringing and we tend not to trust them or b) not something I knew how to recognize – we know when a boundary has been busted and a value violated because we feel it.

For us kids of a BPD parent that sense of ‘feeling it’ can be a little off kilter – because we are accustomed to chaos and drama – our indicators are a little broke – this is the reason why, before reacting and becoming resentful we need to pause and think.

A core value of mine is personal security. As a child my physical space was not respected, as a teenager my personal security was violated and as an adult I permitted abuse from my partners. Personal security is a HUGE core personal value for me – I feel personally empowered knowing this.

Personal security for me includes: respecting my belongings, not making personal comments (e.g. about my weight -  my father and his friends would comment on my weight constantly – and I was a thin child! Go figure), bedroom is off-limits to others, never permit being forced/coerced in a sexual situation, abuse of any kind – include ambient/insidious abuse, not initiate unwanted contact and no cheating.

I no longer permit my personal security to be compromised – now that I have recognized this a value I have strong boundaries to protect it. If my physical space is compromised – I feel it in my body – its very apparent that I feel violated – I act – how I act can be one of two things – move away and simply state “I’m not OK with that – x,y,z” – or however you want to phrase your boundary statement. It shows that I will not be compromised, that I want to be respected as a person and what they are doing is not OK. This also shows WHO I am – values also show who you are.

Now, importantly, I respect other people’s personal security – because it’s important to me – this shows respect.

I hope I have explained this clearly – it really is critical for adult kids of Borderlines to redefine the core values – we all carry fleas – and its crucial to now be adults with adult privileges – in other words – we get to choose what is right and what is not!

[mosaicbird]

Thank you so much, Clearmind. That explanation and set of examples was very helpful. I feel so lost and frustrated when it comes to these things... .  they seem like things we're expected to just understand automatically, and I simply don't get them! Intellectually, sure, and I can fake it like the best of them, but... .  not in true application to myself. I have a lot of work to do and self-discoveries to make.

before reacting and becoming resentful we need to pause and think.

I need to get this tattooed on my hand.