I afraid that I won't stick with it and get Recycled again...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am planning on serving my self-diagnosed BPDw with annulment/divorce papers today and I feel like Maverick in Top Gun... .  I know what I am supposed to do but am doubting my ability to pull the trigger (figuratively of course) at times.  I am a widower with six kids (one at home, three in college, and two out of the nest) and my 6 year marriage to a bp is going to end.  I am filing for the sixth time with the court! I just get sucked back in again and again and it always seems so reasonable at the time.  It is my hope that with no mutual children that we can move quickly through this hell.  It was tough enough on my kids to loose their birth mom to cancer, but it will be tough to loose their stepmom too.  It will be hard on me too.  I have a lot of effort and emotion tied up in this marriage and will have a hard time disengaging from it all.  I realize that and will need to find the strength to go through with it all the way.  Our home is full of BPD drama, chaos and rage... .  I have got to put a stop to it.  I have spent nearly $50K on counseling... .  it's just deny, deny, deny, ad nauseam.  She was married three times prior (surprise?).  My deceased wife would be ashamed that I have let it go on this long.  It's abusive to the kids and damage is being done everyday.  I have no real idea how she will react and that is unnerving to say the least.

     It is hell to stay and hell to let go.  It has been a tough decision, but it has been made.  Now comes the follow through.  Ouch.  I will need this place to get some encouragment to stay the course.  Thanks in advance.

[Aspenhigh]

I am planning on serving my self-diagnosed BPDw with annulment/divorce papers today and I feel like Maverick in Top Gun... .  I know what I am supposed to do but am doubting my ability to pull the trigger (figuratively of course) at times.  I am a widower with six kids (one at home, three in college, and two out of the nest) and my 6 year marriage to a bp is going to end.  I am filing for the sixth time with the court! I just get sucked back in again and again and it always seems so reasonable at the time.  It is my hope that with no mutual children that we can move quickly through this hell.  It was tough enough on my kids to loose their birth mom to cancer, but it will be tough to loose their stepmom too.  It will be hard on me too.  I have a lot of effort and emotion tied up in this marriage and will have a hard time disengaging from it all.  I realize that and will need to find the strength to go through with it all the way.  Our home is full of BPD drama, chaos and rage... .  I have got to put a stop to it.  I have spent nearly $50K on counseling... .  it's just deny, deny, deny, ad nauseam.  She was married three times prior (surprise?).  My deceased wife would be ashamed that I have let it go on this long.  It's abusive to the kids and damage is being done everyday.  I have no real idea how she will react and that is unnerving to say the least.

     It is hell to stay and hell to let go.  It has been a tough decision, but it has been made.  Now comes the follow through.  Ouch.  I will need this place to get some encouragment to stay the course.  Thanks in advance.

[broken but not beaten]

Hi,as a newbie myself I don't feel I am able to offer anything in the way of more senior member here with their knowledge and wisdom,however my uBPDxgf and I never had children,I did become very close to her daughter and I found it hard letting that bond go. Of course I now understand that I had to let go as she way being caught up in the drama and emotional abuse,I hope you can find the support and strength in these boards from others,I wish you well friend keep strong

[Aspenhigh]

It was so hard to lose my first wife to cancer after an eight year fight.  I had 6 kids (5 at home), running 8 businesses and I was drowning.  My current wife offered a drug to kill that pain and was a huge help at home.  I made a quick, uniformed decision based on my huge needs, high emotional/sexual octane and overwhelming feeling of loss... .  what a huge mistake!  Since then, I have been just holding on to anything I could NOT to go through the pain again.  Sad but true.  I just have not been able to stick with it and work past the pain of loss.  Ugh.  I just need to somehow make it stick this time.