My ex just got engaged, 3 months on

[mango_flower]

I'm in shock.

My UBPD-ex just texted to tell me she has gotten engaged to her new girlfriend (we were a same sex couple too), and we've only just been broken up 3 months! 

There is no history of this - before me she was single for ages (other than a teenage marriage to a man).  I was her first gf, and she said she wanted marriage, kids, the whole lot with me - which she had never wanted before.

Everyone we knew said we were so perfect for each other, and that she was crazily in love with me... .  

She dumped me as I wanted to postpone the wedding for a year.

I was, and still am, heartbroken.

Since she moved out, and moved away to the town where this new girl lives, I have found out that she has many past debts etc - and have uncovered some lies.

So in all honesty, what are the chances of her new relationship working?  Maybe not much.

But there is this nagging pain inside, that it was just ME who wasn't good enough, and that this new girl will be her "perfect" and they will live happily ever after and have the marriage and babies we were supposed to have... .  *sigh*

My head tells me I have had a lucky escape but my heart just hurts.

I thought I was special, for the first time in my life.

I miss her so much - she tells me she still loves me and that part of her always will, but that she is very much in love with her new girl.

Am I spiteful and mean as I hope it doesn't work?  I do want her to be happy, but if she's happy then I guess I have to admit it was just me who was the problem - I just wasn't enough for her.  But I did everything, other than accepting her crap... .  I looked after her, and loved her better than anyone else I know - close friends have since told me that I have the patience of a saint... .  

Urgh.  This hurts.

[mango_flower]

I forgot to add (and can't edit) - she is one of those people who says she "never goes back".

She says she wishes she hadn't met somebody else, and she admits she had a nervous breakdown (which she is now getting counselling for).  All because I wanted to postpone the wedding... .  she says I broke her.

It feels like, I got all the crap and the mess, and now she is fixing herself so she can be perfect for somebody else... .  

And she has changed SO much - gone from being my sweet and thoughtful girl who sent me flowers to work every month, to somebody who enjoys going out drinking and has even changed the ways she dresses!  I feel like I don't know her anymore... .  and maybe I never did.

[WT]

Hi mango_flower, I just wanted to reassure you that you did know her and it's her new fiance who doesn't know what she's in for.  I'm sure that you and your ex had an amazing honeymoon period at the beginning before all the crazy started happening.  I know I did.  If you would've asked me three months into my relationship who I was going to marry, I would've said my ex without blinking.  However, I'm not not the type of person who makes huge life decisions so quickly, so there was no chance that I would propose to ANYONE without at least 2-3 years under my belt, and I'm so glad that I did.  BPDs are good at sucking you in, making you feel like you're their soul mate, and I'm sure that that's how her fiance feels right now.  Their relationship hasn't had enough time to develop the way that yours did, and once it does, your ex's fiance will be in for it.  If her fiance's lucky, the crazy will come out before the wedding comes along.

[mango_flower]

Thank you so much WT

There is a part of me that is terrified she is now "fixed" if she has truly found her soulmate, and maybe I just wasn't sensitive enough to her needs.  Some days I wonder if she's truly BPD at all, but she has so many of the signs... .  

But then she will be lovely and I start doubting it all... .  

[mango_flower]

I think also, I am terrified they will actually make it up the aisle!  Because I wanted to postpone the wedding for a year, and it broke us... .  I will always wonder "what if", and what I would have worn, what the reception would have been like... .  

And I am so jealous and sad that right now, she's in her honeymoon period with this new girl and she is so happy when I am lonely... .  and that the new girl is getting all the lovely things I used to have - the flowers, cute notes etc... .  gosh I sound like a horrible person! I just miss her so much.  Not the BPD parts but the other amazing things about her... .  other than her BPD traits, she was a truly lovely person and I am sad that somebody else is getting that.

I think if she does walk up that aisle and gets the baby she wants and her "happy ever after" it will finish me off... .  I will always be thinking "that should have been me!"

[WT]

The fear of my ex getting "fixed" at some point was really what kept me in the relationship for a long time (we had been together for 7+ years).  However, I came to the realization that the odds of anyone with BPD getting fixed were already slim to none even with great therapy, and my ex was both undiagnosed and not getting therapy.  During the last few years, I was continually making plans to break up with her for good but the right opportunity never seemed to come along.  Ultimately, she was the one who broke up with me for good (leaving me for another man last month), but a huge part of what helped me get over her was knowing that our relationship had already pretty much run its course, that even if we had stayed together, it would be full of way more drama than I was willing to put up with for the rest of my life.  Don't doubt yourself.  You deserve to be with someone who will ultimately give you the kind of love that I'm sure that you showed your ex, but you'll get it back unconditionally rather than with all the strings attached with BPD.

[LuckyEscapee]

Two things:

1) yes likely your replacement will be getting the same treatment, including the same promises, hopes etc. I overhead my ex with my replacement and it was exactly the same patter, word for word. It's like a tape loop they do - all an illusion. You're grieving for the real deal you never actually had if she is BPD

2) why is she telling you this? If you have parted ways under those circumstances why be so mean? She is baiting you for a reaction. Its all about her. Marry in haste, repent at leisure. Be glad it wasn't you. Be very very glad! Likely it'll end badly but then she'll try and mess with you again. Stay away, you deserve better  

[mango_flower]

Thank you both

Yes, I am grieving for what I thought we were, those early months where I thought I'd found this thing called love that seemed to be for other people and not me... .  

Lucky - I think she was actually not trying to bait me, but to make me let go, as she says I need to, and that she is happy - she probably also didn't want me finding out over facebook!  For all her faults, she still does care about me - that makes it harder somehow! x

[LuckyEscapee]

Well then perhaps you can both find some serenity now

Sorry MF... .  my ex did something similar when he moved my replacement in after two whole weeks!When I simply wished them both well (and stopped myself from adding that I hoped she would now enjoy all my hard work in renovating his place from a pit into a palace) he accused me of being cold and not caring. Baiting was common with my situation.

[screwedovr]

Wouldn't matter if its a gal or a guy! Shes only looking for something to fill her needs! We have to remember, its not about us, ever!  Its thier emptiness and disfunction.  I hope the best for u, as I'm still fighting to remember these same things daily

[daintrovert13]

I'm in shock.

My UBPD-ex just texted to tell me she has gotten engaged to her new girlfriend (we were a same sex couple too), and we've only just been broken up 3 months! 

3 months? Mine did the same thing with in 60 days of us breaking up. Did it with in 3 days of meeting this new person. To top it off, she never met the person face to face... .  she did it over the phone. To top it more off <--  the person lives at the bottom off the globe. If I never believed in personality disorders then, I sure do believe it NOW!

When she talked to me it was "my fiance this" "my fiance that" as if my name isn't tattooed on her neck and we didn't just spend 5yrs of our lives together. 

I know it hurts but... .  like someone said up top, we should be counting our Lucky Stars! 

You WILL be Fine. Hang in there! 

[GreenMango]

From one mango to another please know that a 3month relationship and then engaged is seriously impulsive and throws down all kinds of red flags.