Ruminating/Obsessing Today

[mosaicbird]

Argh... .   Having an irritating day where all I can do is obsess about what she's up to. Has she started the hunt for a new victim/circle of enablers? Has she set up another online identity for herself yet (after deleting yet another one and all the "friends" she made there)?

Driving myself nuts with it today and can't find anything to distract myself with.   She can never be alone for long, so she must have started her "friend" search by now.

[OTH]

OK. What bother's you about it so much. Say your worst fears are true. What does that mean for you?

[mosaicbird]

OK. What bother's you about it so much. Say your worst fears are true. What does that mean for you?

Hmm... .  I guess it makes me feel unimportant/left out/diminished/worthless and as though her feelings were a lie. "Someone else" is getting what I want and what should have been mine.

[just me.]

I'm sorry!

It's a terrible feeling, isn't it?

I was feeling almost the exact same things just a few short months ago.  The good news, though, is that it won't feel like this forever.  It will hurt and hurt and hurt and be awful and awful and awful until your system just gives up feeling pain for the same thing all the time.  It becomes like an old wound... .  maybe a little scar will remain, but it's numb and painless to the touch.  The pain you are feeling now is getting you closer to that point.

You'll make it there.  Probably even sooner than you'd think.  Hang in there.

[mosaicbird]

This particular brand of ragey-obsession over being "replaced" (big trigger for me) tends to be accompanied by wanting to find my own replacement for her so I can rub it in her face. Bleh. I hate this mood!

[Discarded26]

I feel the same, been doing fine, one breadcrumb and nearly a week later I'm a mess  :'(

[maria1]

Mosaicbird

What's really positive is this:

This particular brand of ragey-obsession over being "replaced" (big trigger for me) tends to be accompanied by wanting to find my own replacement for her so I can rub it in her face. Bleh. I hate this mood!

You recognise what you are feeling and recognise that wouldn't be good. Others would just go out and do that but you're not. Good for you.

Being replaced is painful. We believed we were the best thing ever; we believed we had the sweetest thing ever. Are they really doing it all over with somebody else? Maybe, maybe not. The real question is do you really want it back again?

The only way out of grief is through the pain. It takes time. I'm sorry you're feeling so low- it gets better.

[WT]

Hi mosaicbird, I was in an accelerated version of your worst fear so I know exactly how you feel (maybe even worse).  A little over a month ago, my gf (now ex-gf) told me that she had fallen in love with another man over the weekend and that she wasn't in love with me anymore, and then we broke up.  To say that I was crushed was an understatement.  She called me earlier this week to check up on me, and during the course of the conversation she mentioned that things were already serious with the new guy.  Again, I was crushed.

What got me through this was reading about BPD behavior as well as reading shared experiences in forums like this one.  You'll come to learn that all of your ex's behaviors are so textbook that even if she did immediately start a serious relationship with someone else, that's exactly how pwBPD behave (think about how quickly your ex "fell in love" with you), and it has nothing to do with what you did or didn't mean to her and everything to do with her getting what she wants.  You'll read other people's stories and wonder if they were pulled straight from your brain.  You'll learn that you weren't alone in what you experienced, and no matter how much it hurts now, you'll get through it and realize that ending the relationship was the healthiest thing for you.

[Discarded26]

[quote What got me through this was reading about BPD behavior as well as reading shared experiences in forums like this one.  You'll come to learn that all of your ex's behaviors are so textbook that even if she did immediately start a serious relationship with someone else, that's exactly how pwBPD behave (think about how quickly your ex "fell in love" with you), and it has nothing to do with what you did or didn't mean to her and everything to do with her getting what she wants.  You'll read other people's stories and wonder if they were pulled straight from your brain.  You'll learn that you weren't alone in what you experienced, and no matter how much it hurts now, you'll get through it and realize that ending the relationship was the healthiest thing for you.[/quote]
I know for me its the best thing, just shame it hurts soo much. Coming up to week 6 and I need to re put myself together again

[OTH]

"Someone else" is getting what I want and what should have been mine.

Someone else is probably getting the same thing you feel now. Is this feeling what you want? This feeling is what the r/s brought you. It is what she was capable of. Can you accept this as your reality and the need to move on or do you think there was something more she could bring to the r/s? I know how you feel. It is hard to invest so much emotionally in something that winds up not to be true.

[broken but not beaten]

I'm glad I found this thread I'm at the same stage where I want to hurt her by finding someone and knowing how it hurts to feel replaced,I was in the last stage of setting up online dating website profile and my gut said no. Its not fair on someone else who may get hurt in this,just seeing her all happy and dressing up as if she's grooming the next victim knocks the wind out of you. This is a horrific place to be in right now but realistically I'm not in a place I can give any part of myself to another

[sunrising]

I have no idea if my ex has found someone else.  As bad as I want to know, I'm not going to let myself find out.  I've blocked her Facebook, her phone from calling or texting and me, and both her emails.  If I hadn't done those things, I would be checking up on her.  If you're in a position to put tools (blocks) in place to keep her from contacting you AND, perhaps more importantly, to keep you from checking up on her, I highly recommend it.  Not only was it empowering for me, but in the absence of truly being "all the way over the hump", it keeps me from checking up on her.  For the first few days, when I was still able to check up on her, I did it often.  I know, without a doubt, it slowed my recovery.  Obviously the ultimate goal is the "fog lifting" and fully realizing I'm in a much better place.  But "blocking" her from me AND me from her has been a big help. She sent my mom a couple messages.  I have no idea what they said.  Obviously I was dying to know, but i refused the urge.  As much as the blocks will help, your ex may find other ways to contact you/ let you know what sh'e's doing.  Mine has.  Delete and ignore if you really want to detach.  

sunrising

[seeking balance]

This particular brand of ragey-obsession over being "replaced" (big trigger for me) tends to be accompanied by wanting to find my own replacement for her so I can rub it in her face. Bleh. I hate this mood!

Go to the root cause of this trigger - when did you feel this way before?  You know it is a big trigger - and you are not acting out - good job.

Now, how can you continue to heal this trigger feeling?  Or is it as healed as possible and maybe accepting it to be a part of you, using your wise mind to keep it in check and letting go is where you can go next?

[broken but not beaten]

All measures I can put in place to prevent contact I have done,my problem is I see her each day at work,I'm jealous she's so happy and she is so loud its almost extreme like she wants the world to see a burden lifted off her shoulders,to hear this is painful,like it was me who is the whole source of her misery

[sunrising]

I'm jealous she's so happy

I'm sorry you have to see her.  That must be very difficult.  However, she ISN'T happy.  She has found a new object (your replacement) to mirror.  The new object is in for the same thing you got.  Are you envious of that?

[WT]

I have no idea if my ex has found someone else.  As bad as I want to know, I'm not going to let myself find out.  I've blocked her Facebook, her phone from calling or texting and me, and both her emails.  If I hadn't done those things, I would be checking up on her.  If you're in a position to put tools (blocks) in place to keep her from contacting you AND, perhaps more importantly, to keep you from checking up on her, I highly recommend it.  Not only was it empowering for me, but in the absence of truly being "all the way over the hump", it keeps me from checking up on her.  For the first few days, when I was still able to check up on her, I did it often.  I know, without a doubt, it slowed my recovery.  Obviously the ultimate goal is the "fog lifting" and fully realizing I'm in a much better place.  But "blocking" her from me AND me from her has been a big help. She sent my mom a couple messages.  I have no idea what they said.  Obviously I was dying to know, but i refused the urge.  As much as the blocks will help, your ex may find other ways to contact you/ let you know what sh'e's doing.  Mine has.  Delete and ignore if you really want to detach.   

This is definitely the way to go.  In the beginning, I tried to keep tabs on what my ex was doing any way that I could, and when it became clear that she really was moving forward with a relationship with my replacement, I nearly died.  After that, I kept myself from being able to see anything that she was doing, and things became much better.

[broken but not beaten]

I'm not jealous of what I know will come eventually in her r/ship if she has one,I'm unsure if its me she's currently mirroring because I force myself to try be happy and carry on as if nothing has happened.Last time we seperated it destroyed me and she saw that,I took time off work due to depression and when I returned she was angry with me that I had been away but she was also sad and unhappy which reflect my feelings and behaviour,I'm so confused and I can't work properly or make correct decisions

[mosaicbird]

It is what she was capable of. Can you accept this as your reality and the need to move on or do you think there was something more she could bring to the r/s? I know how you feel.

I accept it as reality, but I do think there was more that she could have brought to the relationship, if I hadn't been as equally messed up. But that, too, is reality.

Go to the root cause of this trigger - when did you feel this way before?  You know it is a big trigger - and you are not acting out - good job.

Many times, both as an adult and a child.

Now, how can you continue to heal this trigger feeling?  Or is it as healed as possible and maybe accepting it to be a part of you, using your wise mind to keep it in check and letting go is where you can go next?

It is not healed at all... .  I need to learn that I have my own worth outside of other people's regard, and that being rejected does not negate my existence or make me a pathetic, disgusting piece of dirt. I want to be able to accept that rejection hurts, and that it's okay to be open enough to be hurt, without feeling like it erases my worth.

Thanks, guys. Interesting points to think about.

[mango_flower]

OK. What bother's you about it so much. Say your worst fears are true. What does that mean for you?

Hmm... .  I guess it makes me feel unimportant/left out/diminished/worthless and as though her feelings were a lie. "Someone else" is getting what I want and what should have been mine.

I get that bit.  Totally!

[stevenq]

Im on week 11 of NC with my ex gf. I too blocked my email and changed my number! It is empowering to know my ex prob tried to contact me and realized i meant business when i changed my number. The FOG has lifted for me and im sure my ex is with someone by now! It just confirms that she cant be alone and will do the same thing w the next guy! Im ok w it now. I jst think of all the bad things my ex did and said and that my friend keeps me away. I promise the hurt will go away but it will take longer than a normal breakup!

[waitaminute]

OK. What bother's you about it so much. Say your worst fears are true. What does that mean for you?

Hmm... .  I guess it makes me feel unimportant/left out/diminished/worthless and as though her feelings were a lie. "Someone else" is getting what I want and what should have been mine.

What is helping me with this feeling is the realization that there was no woman to love there. There was no core that I fell in love with. Yes, she has a few dreams and hopes of her own. But I fell in love with my own dreams and hopes... .    Which she simply mirrored