Why didnt we focus on the red-flags early on n still pursued the relationship?

[Rye82]

Just realized my reasons... first of all my ex was so pretty, sexy, and charming when I met her plus she is dead rich from a known family here in my country... having her own sports car... I guess those were the main reasons why every time there's a red flag moment i wasn't able to focus at it that much and was just left adoring her good traits and beauty... and always hoping to change her... I mean who wouldn't fall for such trap...

[WT]

I put up with my ex for a long time because I felt bad for her (she was sexually abused as a child and her family did nothing about it), so I let a lot of it slide because I knew what it was "caused by."  I also didn't know what BPD was until a long time into our relationship.  You don't realize how much of a toll it's taking on you until you're a shell of the man you used to be.

[Rye82]

WT

Actually I stayed in the relationship also for quite sometime because I started to understand the causes of the disorder and I wont deny it... I did really love her and I wanted to save her from the disorder... But as we all know no one can save them from ther self destructive acts... and by the way people with BPD are so much loving during the honey moon phase... which keeps all the nons fooled...

[WT]

I can't deny that I loved (and maybe still love) my ex either.  I loved and cared for her more than she can probably comprehend, and I sacrificed my youth and personal happiness for her.  I found out what BPD was halfway through our 7+ year relationship, and I wanted nothing more than to help her get through it so that she can become that girl that I fell in love with again.  Little did I know that there was nothing I could do except watch our relationship continue to crumble until the bitter end when she left me for someone else.

[GustheDog]

WT

Actually I stayed in the relationship also for quite sometime because I started to understand the causes of the disorder and I wont deny it... I did really love her and I wanted to save her from the disorder... But as we all know no one can save them from ther self destructive acts... and by the way people with BPD are so much loving during the honey moon phase... which keeps all the nons fooled...

This is in the ballpark for me.  I didn't know much about BPD or that my ex likely has it until after our r/s, but I did know she was "troubled."  I believe she knows she's BPD and withheld that information (she has an MSW, has been seeing various psychiatrists for a decade, and is prescribed a cocktail of psychotropics).  She said she suffered anxiety and mild depression.  Because I thought this person was trustworthy, I took her at her word.

I empathized with her.  I supported her.  I cared.  She seemed to love me and deeply understand and appreciate me.  I thought our relationship was totally symbiotic, rather than parasitic (all while I was being eaten alive!).

Also, I have some - though minimal - background in psychology (undergraduate minor, personal area of interest).  I knew of personality disorders and other mental illnesses - maybe even could have rattled off symptoms if you gave me a pop quiz.  What I never understood (and what they don't teach you in Psyc 101) is that rather than appreciating your love, kindness, and generosity, a personality-disordered - or "troubled" - person will use you, abuse you, and discard you like garbage.

[maria1]

There's another question to ask here which might help you move forward.

Why did YOU ignore the red flags? She didn't make you; she didn't wave a magic wand. You made a choice to stay in, we all did. It wasn't my ex's fault that I stayed and I have to take responsibility for that. The gaps in me were what pulled me toward him.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but when you take the pwBPD out of the equation and stop blaming them for your own behaviour you will free yourselves, I promise you.

[GustheDog]

There's another question to ask here which might help you move forward.

Why did YOU ignore the red flags? She didn't make you; she didn't wave a magic wand. You made a choice to stay in, we all did. It wasn't my ex's fault that I stayed and I have to take responsibility for that. The gaps in me were what pulled me toward him.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but when you take the pwBPD out of the equation and stop blaming them for your own behaviour you will free yourselves, I promise you.

Well, I think that's what we're doing here, no?  Answering that question which is the subject of this thread?

One poster stated that he stayed because he thought he could "save" her.  I stated that I thought I'd be valuable - and valued - for my devotion and empathy.  These things seem to have a self-focus.

In short, I ignored the red flags because I didn't know what a red flag was.  I didn't know that a person who seemed genuine, loving, and with whom I thought I'd spend my life would abuse and abandon me.  I didn't know that was what "unhealthy" persons did.  I thought that was what "bad" persons did.  

I was a naive young man with no relationship experience who had also been conditioned for abuse by an NPD father.  As a result, I had weak boundaries.

But I already said as much in my last post.

I haven't seen a single poster shirk personal responsibility in this thread.

[almost789]

I saw a few red flags initially, but our relationship wasnt serious so I overlooked them. The initial flags seemed insignificant to how much we were enjoying each other. Its just like Ive read somewhere its a slow boil, you don t really see the BIG RED F LAGS until your already deeply in love. Then it becomes very difficult to just cut and run.

[goldylamont]

I saw a few red flags initially, but our relationship wasnt serious so I overlooked them. The initial flags seemed insignificant to how much we were enjoying each other. Its just like Ive read somewhere its a slow boil, you don t really see the BIG RED F LAGS until your already deeply in love. Then it becomes very difficult to just cut and run.

i agree. i didn't see the biggest red flags until after we broke up the final time. oh then things got real fun. i feel really lucky to be finding out more about BPD now, months after i've had no contact... .  whew!

[maria1]

I'm not having a go here; I'm looking at the language in the thread;

nons : devoted, empathic, naive, weak boundaries, trusting, loving, kind, generous, sacrificing youth and happiness, fooled, adoring.

This language suggests victim type thinking.

While the pwBPDs are: abusive, abandoning, unhealthy, withhold information, parasitic, eat us alive, use, abuse, discard us like garbage, self destructive, lay traps

What I'm trying to point out is if we see ourselves as done to we will stay stuck. All relationships are two people, that's 50/50, no more and no less. It helped me begin to move forward when I saw my exes dysfunction as a mirror to my own negative traits. My own dysfunction was why I ignored the red flags, despite seeing them.

[Mistified247]

It is quite strange, as you do see the red flags at the time, but I chose to ignore them as I knew how tough a background and upbringing she had.  The fact that she was abused and various other things that I won't go into, I blamed that for her behaviour. I remember how she would break up with me before going to bed, and wake up and behave as though nothing was wrong.  You want to be there for that person, but you end up just going around in circles. It broke my heart to finish with her, but unfortunately I can now barely distinguish if it was because I felt pity for her, or if I actually did love her.  The fact that she took no blame for the breakup, and barely tried to get me back upset me further. I gave her six months to get herself together and rebuild relationships with my family after she caused a feud, but 6 months later it was the same. I then knew I had to move on. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, I know she did love me deep down, and I know that she knows something is up with her. But she refuses to do anything about it, and just carries on through life like a wrecking ball to other people. I am just thankful that I came through the other side. My life could have been very different otherwise.

[goldylamont]

maria1, i do agree that we have to be accountable for our own actions. i don't agree that relationships are 50/50 between a nonBPD and a BPD though. i made a ton of mistakes during my relationships but this happens in any relationship without the same reaction or consequences than when you're dealing with a BPD. but definitely i'm looking at myself to see what things about myself i would change from my last relationship with exBPD.

i'd be interested to know what/how do you feel you are responsible for the issues with your exBPD? and thanks for bringing this awareness 

[Rye82]

well to cut it short non of us really knew about red flags until we got enough knowledge about BPD and we never really expected to look at there bad side or weird side that much because we were busy admiring and falling for them as well, coz were trying to build a relationship with our partners and definitely were not trying to diagnose them or check if there is something wrong with them. As simple as were looking forward into looking at the brighter side of how the relationship can develop positively...  Because we liked and loved them... Thats why when RED FLAGS gets worse and worse thats when we start to question ourselves as nonBPD partners why are things getting simply odd. But indeed its true that we shouldnt blame them really coz as we all know its all activated up in there head, well what matters the most is were all gathered here to share each others experience and learn from our mistakes and simply move forward to get on with our lives...

[maria1]

In part I fell for being idealised. I fell for believing that I was special- his triangulation (read definition) with other people and always telling me how great I was fed my own narcissism.

He wanted to learn from me, he wanted to grow as a person and do did I.

I desperately needed somebody on my side following the breakdown of my relationship with my children's father and several failed relationships after. He was a 'good catch'. We looked great together.

And I really fancied him.

I saw red flags, knew he was 'angry' with his ex wife, knew he fell for me before he even met me. Knew it couldn't be real.

I wanted it all to work so much I made it work even when every bone in my body knew it was wrong- I wallowed in denial. Because I was the one he always came running to. That kept me afloat and also stopped me having to deal with my own deep loneliness in the world.

I loved him and I actually believe he loved me. Lots of our relationship was amazingly good. But enough of it was damaging enough that I should have left it alone. Even when he was telling me what he was really like I refused to listen. He told me he was a btch, I told him he was a good man. Truth is he is neither, and both. He is ill.

And so am I. I'm pulling myself out. He's trying too. He runs because the shame if facing himself is too much, that's BPD. I'm facing my dysfunction but its mighty hard and its mighty lonely. I've spent a lifetime avoiding it.

[waitaminute]

Red flags would have ruined the illusion.

Ignoring them allowed us to have more fun.

Really...  bungee cord jumping, playing with fire works, and mountain climbing have red flags too. But people do those things. What's different is that we thought we could beat the odds... .  or didn't know the odds. In either case, we went in without training, with the emotional tools we needed, and without respect for the danger.

[SunflowerFields]

always hoping to change her... I mean who wouldn't fall for such trap...

Healthy people wouldn't. They don't.

In my own life-changing journey after my BPD rs, and now that I am much healthier, I don't either.

Meeting someone, falling in love with them simply because they show you love and attention, and wanting to change parts of someone's personality so that it would work better for *you* is what characterizes unhealthy behavior. It embodies our own fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear we will never meet someone else who will love us. Resulting in trying to change someone else into who we want them to be so that *we* could keep the relationship. Unhealthy and controlling.

Healthy behaviour means taking people for who they are, and seeing if there is a true match. If their imperfections can work for you, and if your imperfections can work for them. Without trying to change each other. If it doesn't work - healthy people move on - trying to meet someone else who will be a better match for them. It is free of fear of abandonment, free of fear of rejection, and relies on intrinsic feeling of self-worth that you deserve to meet someone who will meet your needs.

[SarahinMA]

It's strange... .  I always ask myself why I fell for him.  He was younger, immature, had never been in a serious relationship.  But he was successful, very attractive, smart, athletic, etc.  A lot of women in our large group of friends had tried to get him, but he wasn't interested.  I was shocked when I found out that he was interested in me and, like another poster said, loved the idealization.  I could do no wrong in his eyes and I loved that he seemed so smitten with me.  We couldn't get enough of each other.  My heart melted whenever I was with him.  I projected a lot on him, so I ignored every horrible thing he said about another person or the little things that showed his lack of empathy for anyone he felt beneath him.  

By the end, the charade was over... .  and I remember struggling trying to figure out who this person I was that I was dating.  I was actually physically ill a lot in the relationship due to my stress that it caused.  

[goldylamont]

... .  What's different is that we thought we could beat the odds... .  or didn't know the odds. In either case, we went in without training, with the emotional tools we needed, and without respect for the danger.

@waitaminute i totally identify with what you are saying. I would say about 6 months in I knew my ex had issues but i had no idea of its ramifications. when i started the relationship i felt healthy, confident... .  i didn't feel like things developed too fast even though we did both fall pretty hard for each other. i think my ex was really high functioning so harder to detect, and mistakenly underestimated how much she could be trusted.

@maria, thanks so much for your explanation. if anything i would say that i chose to stay in the relationship after seeing some issues because--I didn't think/know that eventually the problems would be directed *at* me, rather than being something i could step aside and let her deal with, perhaps giving some support while she sorted things out. I couldn't see that eventually i would be demonized like her ex before me (who she claims slept with a mutual friend of theirs and broke her heart; now I have doubts that it ever happened). Two i stayed because during the first few years i feel there was more good than bad happening in the relationship, things for me kind of crept up slowly. I went through two 2 year cycles with my exBPD, i initiated the breakup both times and tried to get back with her twice. Luckily for me this second time she split me black enough that we didn't get back together and now i'm finding more out about our issues b/c i just found out what BPD is like. I didn't really get to see who she really was until after our second breakup, where the real sparks started flying, and of course i look back now and can see... .  hindsight is 20/20. Thirdly, i will admit that i was just so attracted to her physically/mentally; she was gorgeous and i never felt like cheating. I had been successful dating and having a couple long term relationships in the past. I'd been single for several years before settling with her so it felt good to be with someone and be completely satisfied (physically) with her looks. i know this sounds a bit shallow but i'm always trying to take a look at myself to iron out the kinks thanks for sharing! 

[maria1]

Giddylamont- thank you too for sharing your experience. The physical attraction really did play a big part for me too- I loved just looking at him, still do!

He has an incredibly beautiful face with huge sad blue eyes. I would see the effect he could have on women. He looked tough and almost a bit scary but then he would be friendly and mirror in just the right degrees, shy but opening up to YOU because you made him feel relaxed.

Scary how good he is at it. Scary I would might fall for it all over again if someone was beautiful enough. I hope there's more to me now but I'm not 100% convinced!

[goldylamont]

haha, thanks for that maria1, for admitting the physical influence i really don't feel so shallow but sometimes i know this played a part with me staying. i'll say this now just to get it out and then i don't want to dwell on it--hah! to me she had the body of a goddess, good grief. some men like super skinny girls, she was very fit but very curvy. of all the crap she's said about me one thing i like to remember is her telling me i was one of the few men that truly made her feel beautiful (hah, how true that is i dunno but i'll take it as truth cause why not!)  a blonde/redhead with bright green eyes that just went straight through me. and, here's a big red flag for ya--when we first met she got this beautiful tattoo on her arm of a plant (she loved gardening), it was gorgeous--she put it there to cover up some scars left from cutting she said she'd done a decade ago in high school... .  boo hoo on that but she was gorgeous. the tattoo i think marked a triumph for her, a step in the right direction... .  but unfortunately she still suffers in other ways i believe... .  

here, i'll share a lyric i wrote about her (i'm a musician). i wrote this after we went out on one date, after which we never talked again or saw each other until three years later when she showed up in my life. i had been around her all of 4 or 5 hours... .  

"she's got these green eyes,

that cut through you with no compassion,

she's got this blonde hair, but now she dyes away her past and,

if you don't love yourself, how can i love you more?

men work for her affections but she don't think she's worth the chore... .  "

when i met her briefly 3 years before we started dating her hair was dyed black (hence the line above). how i could write this without even knowing her and not see red flags... .  i was just really naive  it feels good to get this out. i don't want to be back with this person but it feels good to not only remember the recent bad all the time. but, trust me i don't want to idealize anything either. thanks for the dialogue everyone!

[FogLightsOn]

Interesting thread, all. 

I haven't seen anyone write anything resembling my own reason for ignoring the red flags (and there were so many, so early on!), so I'll put this out there: I was afraid of her.  Even early on (i.e., within the first few months -- and I'm now 17 years down the road from that starting point), if I had an opinion that differed from hers, did things in a different way, didn't shower her with excessive amounts of appreciation even for things that most of us do routinely, she became VERY angry.  (No surprise, considering what I now now about BPD.)

The whole thing, i.e., her extreme reactions to things, felt horribly wrong to me, and yet I stayed because i was afraid of what the unknown consequences of leaving would be.  In this way I kept myself  a prisoner in this r/s all these years.  It's only now, after a number of years of personal therapy, that I discovered and broke the ropes that I had bound myself with: I grew up in a home with a father who no doubt was an upwBPD, as well as who knows how many other mental problems?  He used to rage for nonsensical reasons at my mother, and these were all unpredictable.  As a result, according to my T, I grew up to be an adult with PTSD.  What this meant was that any time my girlfriend (now W) would even look at me funny, my brain was wired to send out physical warning signs (e.g., anxiety, fear) to tell me that I was in danger.

Truly, if I had been healthy then, I would have told my pwBPD that this r/s is not working for me, and I would have left.  But because I never did that with my father (I was a kid ... how could I?) I had the same child-like response and felt like I had to stay and tow the line so that she would stop being angry.

I'm glad to say that through therapy (EMDR and Brain Spotting, if any of you are interested), I've managed to re-wire myself so that when my uBPDw is triggered, I no longer have the same visceral response.  I am now saying "NO" to her unreasonable demands, and believe me it has really pushed this r/s to the brink.  For the last month or so I've been telling her that I don't see any hope that this r/s will ever improve, and that I don't see any reason to keep it going.  Presently, I'm dealing with the blow-back from all that, but I'm persisting.

Anyway, as opposed to being "so in love" with her that I overlooked the red flags, or somehow feeling responsible for fixing her, I ignored the red flags and stayed simply because that was what I was trained to do as a child.

Am I the only one here like this?

FogLightsOn

[waitaminute]

Goldylamont,

Hardly a musician, I play guitar nevertheless. Got a couple songs.

But here is a verse that was a red flag of its own. I called my BPDgf my "song in the wind". And when I tried to write a song - a romantic song -with those words, this verse kept coming up to my mind from where ever songs come from.



" 

I hear a song, and my soul is a listenin'

I hear a song, and it's calling me to new love

I hear a song, and it's callin' me to my own destruction

I hear a song ... .  a song in the wind

"


I just thought I could overcome what I knew deep inside was true

[goldylamont]

wow, great lyrics waitaminute! yeah going back and looking at the song i wrote too it's easy to see i was aware of the situation. i just think naive about how things would end up. thanks for sharing that was awesome!

[bb12]

Mine was a helpless waif. No friends. New to the city.

Plus, I was lonely I think.

And we started out casual, which suited both of us.

Must confess to enjoying the idealisation phase too. He was just soo into me... .  no doubt about it. And it was nice to know that.

I was in charge in the early days... .  

[willy45]

Sex. Super hot sex.

Adoration. Incredibly high adoration.

Fun. Laughing together for hours.

Intellect. Sharing ideas and thoughts. Challenging each other intellectually.

But, I could have gotten the last three from being friends and maintaining good boundaries. What got me and kept me in the relationship at the start was sex. Super hot sex. Despite the MASSIVE GIANT IN YOUR FACE RED FLAGS planted everywhere I looked. INCLUDING THE SUPER HOT SEX!.

Arg. Almost killed me. Still trying to make it to the other side and sometimes not so sure I will.

[GustheDog]

I'm not having a go here; I'm looking at the language in the thread;

nons : devoted, empathic, naive, weak boundaries, trusting, loving, kind, generous, sacrificing youth and happiness, fooled, adoring.

This language suggests victim type thinking.

I'm open to adopting some euphemistic alternatives.  But I'm afraid your list of adjectives seems factually accurate in my case.

While the pwBPDs are: abusive, abandoning, unhealthy, withhold information, parasitic, eat us alive, use, abuse, discard us like garbage, self destructive, lay traps

Again, factually accurate characterization.

What I'm trying to point out is if we see ourselves as done to we will stay stuck. All relationships are two people, that's 50/50, no more and no less. It helped me begin to move forward when I saw my exes dysfunction as a mirror to my own negative traits. My own dysfunction was why I ignored the red flags, despite seeing them.

I feel as though, when I first joined this site and couldn't understand that I'd been abused, I was overwhelmed with people telling me I'd been abused - I needed to open my eyes and see how poorly I'd been treated.

Now that I see how poorly I've been treated, I'm overwhelmed with people telling me I haven't been abused and that I'm playing the "victim."

I don't know how you define "victim," maria1, but I was a victim of emotional abuse in this relationship.  That's my reality.  I've never characterized myself as a victim in my entire life until now, so I do not invoke that word flippantly.

I certainly am not out seeking "rescuers," nor will I willingly put myself in such a situation again.  Point is - I didn't know there was any danger in this person.  I simply didn't.  I don't know what else there is to say about it except to call it what it was - abuse - and avoid it in the future.  But I can't retroactively impute my current knowledge, experience, and understanding to the beginning of this relationship and throw the "assumption-of-the-risk" card at my former self. 

I don't see why acknowledging abuse for what it is should be harmful, especially if it's going to help us avoid it in the future.

[WT]

Sex. Super hot sex.

Adoration. Incredibly high adoration.

Fun. Laughing together for hours.

Intellect. Sharing ideas and thoughts. Challenging each other intellectually.

But, I could have gotten the last three from being friends and maintaining good boundaries. What got me and kept me in the relationship at the start was sex. Super hot sex. Despite the MASSIVE GIANT IN YOUR FACE RED FLAGS planted everywhere I looked. INCLUDING THE SUPER HOT SEX!.

Arg. Almost killed me. Still trying to make it to the other side and sometimes not so sure I will.

It was exactly the same for me.  Super hot sex any time we saw each other.  30 minutes after we were done, she would want to go again.  We had sex in places that you would never think was possible.  She probably could've told me that she killed her last four boyfriends and I would've been like, "Eh, things happen.  Wanna go again?"

[just_think]

red flag #1:

1st date. I arrive slightly late apologizing and saying "I was frustrated that my car goes 80mph... .  why is everyone driving 60?" To which she replied "I'm not impressed your car is fast"  I thought it was odd but nevertheless explained that all cars go 80 mph.

red flag #2:

after the first date it felt exactly like my BPDex from 3 years ago.  Down to the hugging/ giddy girl reaction. Exactly.

red flag #3:

she invited me over to watch a movie within the week.  I knew I was making a mistake because I knew it was moving too fast.  Commence probably the best sexual experiences of my life and we didn't even have sex for another month.  We went at it like teenagers for 24 hours straight.  We made out to pink floyd and dozens of amazing albums.  No girl had done that before with me... .  

red flag #4:

no emotional communication whatsoever.  "sometimes i wish i didn't have emotions"

red flag #5:

picture of her ex up in her bathroom.  I didn't know at the time, but still. (it was artsy)

red flag #6:

everyone was "my friend so and so... .  "

red flag #7:

we went out together to a show I had wanted to go to and I ran into a friend.  She got a panic attack and hid in my car.  I think she had met him before and I still need to follow up on that one at some point. 

red flag #8:

lots of male friends.  like ridiculous amounts.  Ex-bf all over her facebook, poor guy was still way attached to her from months before.  And she just lapped it up. 

red flag #9:

cocaine.  an absolute 100% deal breaker for me.  Although I guess it was just a 99% deal breaker in this case.

red flag #10:

didn't mention me at all on her facebook.  posted lots of things I had sent to her but never gave me credit. 

red flag #11:

"friend" who had stolen a keyboard she had for heroin.  I'm sitting here counting all the friends I have that do heroin.  The answer is 0. 

red flag #12:

sex.  exactly the way I like it.  tender. slow. 

red flag #13:

mentioned I wasn't the best at finances.  offering of being my sugar momma. I laughed it off... .  part of me secretly wanted it though... .  

red flag #14:

a very large assortment of condoms.  It wasn't that she just ran to the store and picked some up.  She was prepared and then some.

red flag #15:

I asked her "so i noticed you haven't asked much about me, what's up with that?"  "I wouldn't want people to do that to me.  It feels intrusive"

thanks.  I needed to get those out and remind myself why I left... .  

[maria1]

I feel as though, when I first joined this site and couldn't understand that I'd been abused, I was overwhelmed with people telling me I'd been abused - I needed to open my eyes and see how poorly I'd been treated.

Now that I see how poorly I've been treated, I'm overwhelmed with people telling me I haven't been abused and that I'm playing the "victim."

I don't know how you define "victim," maria1, but I was a victim of emotional abuse in this relationship.  That's my reality.  I've never characterized myself as a victim in my entire life until now, so I do not invoke that word flippantly.

I'm not excusing abuse- abuse is unacceptable and you should not have been abused. It's important to recognise that what you went through was abusive.

But there is a further step from that and it's up to you whether you want to take it. You can examine why you didn't just up and leave when that abuse started and continued. And you can examine that without blaming the BPDex. What is it in you that made you stay?

Some people get up walk when abuse starts, doesn't matter how hot the sex, how big the pay off, some people get up and walk away.

When people talk about FOO stuff on here, it's because the reason we stayed is because there was something, a gap, a hole, if you like that the BPD relationship filled for us. That hole was created a very long time ago when we didn't get our needs met as children, however that happened. I didn't even realise that hole was there until my BPDex left, came back, left and left again. Every time he came back it felt safe and amazing and comfortable. Every time he left it felt like the end of the world.

It wasn't huge stuff in my family- a slightly narcissistic, dramatic background, a disordered brother who walked all over me and everybody else because he knew no better. I was an OK little girl and a very functional adult. Good job, lots of friends, clever, sociable, popular.

But I keep getting into relationships with people who aren't good for me. I spent 13 years with my kids dad and alcohol. That's my longest relationship. My exes aren't obviously crazy but they sure aren't healthy.

And neither am I.

It's up to you whether you view your relationship as an accident of circumstance that you can just heal and move on from. Many people on these boards do. Many people think that the only reason they 'fell' for the BPDex was because they are so nice and loving and were just easy game. Some people want to dig below whether 'nice and loving' and easy game is entirely functional and is going to find them a functional relationship in the end.

I don't want any more dysfunction in MY life and that is why I don't feel like I'm a victim of my BPDex. I actually feel very glad that I had the relationship with him because it brought me to a point of no return, even though it nearly killed me and I sometimes think he would have kept on going until I was dead, such is the nature of the disorder.