Why doesn't mommy like us?

[Sabu]

My 32 year old ddxBPD is pregnant with her 5th & 6th children.  We are raising our oldest two grandchildren and are grateful to have them with us.  My son in law called a little after midnight and was almost in tears,  he needed some reassurance that I thought he was a good person. I assured him that dh and I think he is a super guy and understand he is doing everything he can do to make the marriage and family work.  He is a hard worker and in school full time too.  Our dd is all over the board with her emotions even more than usual,  the pregnancy has been extremely difficult and caring for the other two children is proving to much for her. She is raging at her hubby on a daily basis,  I told him it is her disease but that is little comfort when you are catching the brunt of the rage.  DD has not been able to take any psych Meds during her pregnancy and refuses to go to therapy.  We are hoping she can/will get back on Meds after she delivers the babies.  Son in law needed me to tell him life would get better,  I try to be honest but all I can tell him is in my opinion the only hope for a better calmer life includes Meds and therapy.  He tried to explain to her that her rages were affecting the children by telling her,  the 5 year old just ask him "why doesn't mommy like us?" DD just told SIL it was his fault not hers!  I am so torn,  we can't stand the thoughts of our youngest two grandchildren hearing dd rage,  on the other hand we are not young and don't think we can raise two more children.  Wednesday I go to my regular therapy session so I will talk to my therapist about what she thinks.  It sure rips your heart out thinking you are protecting two GC and not the other two.  All responses appreciated.

Sabu

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Sabu,

I am so sad to think about the situation w/ the gkids... .  so hard :'(

It just doesn't seem that there can be solutions to the situations.  Sometimes we can think of 1 or 2 things that can be done and yet the problems, so huge, still exist.

I was wondering how far away you and your dh are from your d?  Do you live in the same community?

Would funds exist to bring in help to take the stress off of your d... .  a sitter perhaps?  If not, do they/you have a church family that could provide resources.  I remember there being a group of older ladies in our church that would help the younger moms in the church by taking turns daily... .  going into the home and caring for the children to give moms a break and some guidance.

Son in law sounds like a really good guy.  Just wondering if it is possible that he may need to take a semester off of school to be home with the children more and be there to support your d?

Just a few things, with the common goal of reducing stress on your d while providing stability and love for the children, can affect positive change.

If these ideas are not acceptable, what other ideas/solutions are?

 

You are doing the best you can.  

lbjnltx

[qcarolr]

Sabu - my heart is with you. This is so hard. Dh and I are raising our gd7 and we stepped back whe our gs5 was put in foster care as an infant and adopted. He is doing well in a loving family. Wonder when /if he will know he has another loving grandma?

I think lbj has some great ideas to help you D in very practical ways. Would she be open to this type suggestion? Would it come better from SIL rather than from you?

How close in your r/s with the two younger gkids? Are you able to have them visit on a regular basis or do they live too far away? Are they old enough for a preschool experience or toddler playgroup? Would SIL be able to manage the details of this?

Just a couple other ideas.

qcr  

[Sabu]

Thanks for the suggestions Ibj and qcarol.  Dd and her family lives about a hundred miles away from us.  We do get to see the youngest two gc on a semi regular basis if we make the effort.  We take them on vacation and see them for most holidays.  It is hard for us to have them with us for more than a few days because we homeschool the older two and they have several activities they participate in.  They come to visit on their birthdays and we always have a family celebration. They have no church family and it is doubtful if the can afford a sitter on any kind of regular basis.  Son in law is about seven weeks in to this semester and it would not be practical for him to withdraw at this point. He will more than likely take next semester off after the babies are born.

Qcarol the 5 year old was old enough for per k this year but dd refused to take him.  I am not sure why,  we helped her get him admitted to a very good program.  The two year old isn't eligible for anything that I am aware off.

We would like to help reduce the stress for our dd, on the same hand we understand if we do to much we will have all four gc.  We would love to provide some stability for the youngest two but realize once  we start keeping them dd will completely quit caring for them and expect us to do it.

Dd is so unstable at this time her high risk OB told her last week to find a new doctor.  Even though this has been such a difficult pregnancy, in and out of the hospital,  her doctor told her since she could not get along with the doctor's staff she could not come back.  I understand!  She was arguing with them on a weekly basis and I think it got pretty ugly.

Dd is pretty high functioning and has a college degree but can not get along with anyone for long.  She basically has no friends and has alienated most of her family and all of her in laws. It seems doubtful to me that she could ever hold a job.  I stay scared all of the time and dread seeing the number show up on caller Id.  She has isolated son in law and he stays stressed and scared.  It seems we all have been taken hostage.  I do the dance because I want as much stability for the two gc we are raising. At least she no longer comes and threatens to take them away,  we have had one almost since birth and have a good relationship with his father.  The other gc we have had for about four years.

Qcarol,  yes sil could manage the details of a play group but I don't think he could get them there and back with his schedule.  Dd wants him right by her side every minute he is home.

Thanks for listening to me and thanks for the suggestions.

[vivekananda]

It is so sad to feel so powerless to help. Sabu you are doing a good job and validating your SIL is what he needs to hear from you, isn't it?

I was thinking that maybe you could buy him the book by the Lundbergs "I don't have to make everything all better" and send it to him as a gift. He undoubtedly feels powerless in the face of the BPD and worried for his kids at home and the new one coming. This book is easy to read and it gives straightforward advice that he could perhaps implement and help make his home a bit more stable for his kids. This may make it easier for him. The effect would hopefully flow on to your dd.

Stay in touch Sabu, let us know how it goes, ok?

Vivek    

[Sabu]

Yes, Vive it is sad to feel and be so powerless.  I have the Lundberg's book and a couple others, one by Porr and the Stop Walking on Eggshells I would love for my SIL to read. If I send him the books & dd finds them she will be angry. This site would really be of help to SIL but again I am afraid to tell him about it,  dd checks his phone history & I am sure checks his browser history.  The main thing we are concentrating on for the short term is getting her through this pregnancy & hopefully back on meds.

We live in constant fear,  every time the phone rings & their number shows up on caller ID we know it will be something unpleasant.  She attempted suicide again a few weeks ago,  SIL called & told us but she threatened him, that if he told us she would leave. SIL ask us not to tell her & we agreed. The guilt from not rescuing the youngest two gc is wearing on me.  The two year old reached for me a couple weeks ago & said, home!  He has only spent about 10 night out of two years with us & to have him reaching & saying home tears my heart out.

Tomorrow is my regular therapy appointment & I am so glad to be able to talk this over with my therapist.  I don't want to save the world but I do want to save the gc.  It feels like it would not be fair to the two oldest gc that we are raising if we bring the younger two into our home on a semi permanent basis.  It is hard to live with not bringing them! We understand from our past experience with dd that once we take on any responsibility,  then it's what we call "tag you are it."

So thankful for this board and the people sharing the same pain.  

Sabu :'(  

[qcarolr]

Tomorrow is my regular therapy appointment & I am so glad to be able to talk this over with my therapist.  I don't want to save the world but I do want to save the gc.  It feels like it would not be fair to the two oldest gc that we are raising if we bring the younger two into our home on a semi permanent basis.  It is hard to live with not bringing them! We understand from our past experience with dd that once we take on any responsibility,  then it's what we call "tag you are it."

I will be thinking of you, hopeful the T appt. can bring you a little peace. The suffering can be so great when our gc are suffering. And I do so understand,"tag you are it". It is so hard for me to keep out of doing things for everyone in my family - and they LET ME.

Any ways you can enpower your SIL may be a key to this situation. Is he able to have an e-reader that he can keep away from the house - say with a friend at school? Does he spend study time at a school library or cafe? Would he have time to read extra stuff while he is studying? Would he have access to counseling through his college? Just trying to brainstorm ways to 'unisolate' SIL. His little ones need him to be healthy and strong.

My prayers will be for you to find peace in this suffering, and your SIL to find courage and strength for himself and his family. Keeping you all in my daily thoughts.

qcr  

Was she doing a lot better on meds before this pregnancy? How has she been post-partum? When is her due date? Sorry if this is too many questions - repspons as you are comfortable with them.

[Sabu]

Qcarol, the twins are due in late May, dd does great post-partum for three months & then she is done! She will do the basics but she seems to really change after three months. She does much better on meds when she will take them consistently,  which is a problem of course.  Dd has had periods of a year or more where she took her meds on a regular schedule & seemed to function so much better.

Thank you so much for helping me brainstorm to help my SIL. I had not thought of the possibility of counseling for him through the university, I will certainly ask him about it.  Currently he has no insurance so if something is available through school that might be his only option. The children & dd have insurance provided by the government a form of Medicaid.

I am not sure he could keep an e-reader away from dd but he might be able to do some reading at the library on campus.  Dd keeps a pretty tight rein on his time, I am not even sure if he would have time to read at school.  Dd wants him sitting right with her every spare minute that he has. He took a semester off from school last semester because she wanted him right with her. SIL has no real friends that I know of,  dd does not do well with any kind of competition she seems to perceive anyone as a threat. Dd has made it very clear she does not want SIL & I to have a close relationship,  he confided in me about a couple things dd had done & she went ballistic when he told her. Dd told me she did not want me talking to SIL because I was only giving him ammunition to use against her.   During one conversation I had told SIL that it was her disease talking not really her... .    ammunition,  yeah right! 

Please keep us in your thoughts.  

Sabu

[vivekananda]

Sabu, you are in my thoughts and prayers and I am sure it's the same for the many who read about your trials.

I was thinking how hard it must be for your SIL. It is a betrayal of trust in some way, to be talking with you and not telling your dd. He is really in a hard place... .  and you are in a different sort of hard place too.

Are you comfortable with the concept of acceptance and what it means in your situation? Such a difficult place to be when your grandchildren are vulnerable and you feel powerless.

thinking of you and sending you positive thoughts,

Vivek    

[Sabu]

Vive, I do OK with acceptance most of the time especially regarding dd.  Accepting the fact that the youngest two gc are having a hard time is more difficult.  FOG is eating my lunch thinking about the little ones. All of this stuff with my dd brings up so much from my childhood too,  my mother is uxBPD & my grandparents saved me from birth.  My grandparents did not save my 2 siblings & one died a few years ago from a drug overdose & the other is in prison & has been a career criminal. The main reason I started therapy 13 years ago was to learn better coping skills dealing with dd, I went to therapy five years & then took fives years off.  Two years ago I started back to therapy & was diagnosed with PTSD caused from childhood trauma(my mother). Being a child of an uxBPD mother complicates my feelings of acceptance regarding my gc,  I suppose I feel guilty for being saved when my siblings were left to fend for themselves. Having a hard time staying in the moment & not thinking about how my brothers were treated & not worrying about my youngest grandsons.

Appreciate you guys so much,  just knowing almost everyone on this board understands means so much.  

Sabu

[qcarolr]

Sabu - just a thought. If your D is on medicaid with her children, they should be able to qualify for Head Start. This is a federally funded program admistrated through counties. My gd went to head start and it was a wonderful experience for both of us. For ages 3-5 pre-kindergarten. And some schools offer a free early childgood program as part of public school program.

Just a thought - maybe SIL could check into it. Would he have the courage to take on the responsibility of this for his kids - they are HIS KIDS TOO. He is the one that needs to build a constant, SAFE, loving relationship with these young children. That is their best chance for lessening any trauma impacts as they grow up. Key is to find ways to do this as a validation of D's feelings and needs. That may be the most difficult part for SIL. Takes great courage to change the patterns of his marriage r/s - can he focus on his children to help him find this courage?

What was SIL's story - his learning from his life as to how to be a parent? This would be a good place to start in him getting counseling ---- focus on his r/s with his kids and their needs and the skills he brings with him to these r/s's.

Sorry if this sounds like a lecture - my intentions are from a place of compassion for these young ones, as these are your intentions too

qcr  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sabu]

Qcarol,  thank you & no it didn't sound like a lecture, it sounds like concern for my family.  Yes, I am familiar with Head Start.  We had dd talked into sending the 5 year old when he was 3 but she backed out & moved to another county.  The 5 year old will be required to go to K this year in the fall. The 2 year old will not be old enough to start Head Start until the winter term, I will check to see if that is allowed or if he would have to wait until next fall.

SIL is not the father of any of the children except the twins that are on the way.  Dd had one by her first husband,  who was a wonderful guy,  three by husband number two who I don't particularly like.  SIL has stepped up & is trying to be a dad to the two youngest & he is doing a wonderful job,  at least from the outside looking in.  This is SIL's first marriage. He comes from a family that seems to have a lot of the values that our family has,  they are more religious & more ridged. It seems the religion & the "their way or the highway attitude" caused a few resentments for him.

Hi ho, hi ho, hi ho it's off to therapy I go... .  I will write more when I get home.

Sabu

[vivekananda]

Hope therapy was good and relieved some of your anxiety... .  

we are here for you Sabu, stay strong and take care of yourself, ok? You need to be well for those kids.

Cheers,

Vivek    

[Sabu]

Therapy was good as usual,  I certainly wish dd could experience the peace I find. I had not noticed until today how much validation the therapist uses in sessions,  it made me smile when she would say,  "that is sad isn't it." Hello! My therapist & I have a very good relationship,  I knew her for about 5 or 6 years before I started going to her. We are able to laugh with each other,  at one point today,  she said, "if you rescue the youngest two gc who will rescue you" I said, you will! Seriously,  I realize we have a very difficult decision ahead of us at some point but that is not today.

Therapy for my SIL is probably the best option for everyone, if he could find a good T that is familiar with BPD it could save his family. He is such a good man & I know dd & SIL loves each other,  I do not know how anyone could make a marriage work when dealing with BPD without the help of a good therapist.  My main concern is my gc but I would love for dd & SIL to find some peace & happiness. I hope every day dd will go back to therapy when she delivers her babies, but from past experience I am not sure that will happen. It breaks my heart to think of the turmoil my dd lives with on a daily basis. I think I have not allowed myself to grieve the loss of what "I thought" would be. I said, I was doing OK with acceptances I guess it's on a day to day basis.

I hate to wear you guys out with gratitude but I am so grateful you are here.   

Sabu