How do I deal with the contact?

[mango_flower]

Sorry for posting so much tonight... .  

I NEED to keep my ex sweet as she owes me a lot of money. Who knows if I'll get it back but she has messaged me a few times mentioning it and has confirmed she will start her job in 4 weeks so fingers crossed.

Anyway - so I can't just shut her out or go NC.

My issue is this:  She just can't leave me alone.

She has a new partner (and got engaged a few days ago).  She seems happy.  She has told me that the evil lady in her head is being quiet at the mo.  So yeah, she is happy with her new girl. I fought and fought and fought - spilled my heart out - and she told me I need to move on, this new girl makes her happy and she NEVER goes back.  Ever.

But I get texts most days saying "hi, you ok?". 

Today she was just plain weird.

A few days ago she said she was going to say goodbye to me for a while so I could move on (as she genuinely does still care I think, and I end up crying every time we speak on the phone).

That was followed a few days later by the text telling me of the engagement. 

Yet even though she is happy (and I do believe she is, as much as she can be) she STILL won't leave me alone. 

This morning's texts were about how she felt my text to her saying I was happy she was happy, was fake and out of character for me (anyone who knows me knows I am a gracious person!)

Then it all went quiet until this afternoon, when I got an email saying "Please be honest - how did you really feel when you got that text?".

I avoided the question.

I don't understand - what does she want from me?

I have begged her to come home, she won't.

She is happy with her new girl. Yet when new girl goes to work, she wants to start up a conversation with me.

I don't understand it... .  she doesn't want me back.  And why does she care what I think about her engagement?

I don't want to ignore her due to the money situation but not sure how to deal.

[mosaicbird]

My interpretation would be that she needs both you and her new "love" to love and validate her. If she really wants to help you "move on", she would never ask questions like that.   I wonder if it makes her feel good to be wanted by two people? Could be.

[sunrising]

My interpretation would be that she needs both you and her new "love" to love and validate her. If she really wants to help you "move on", she would never ask questions like that.   I wonder if it makes her feel good to be wanted by two people? Could be.

Bingo... .     They fear abandonment in a way normal people can't imagine.   As "happy" as she may think she is (and she isn't, just mirroring a new object), she still fears abandonment.  If things don't work out with new object, which they won't, what better than to have you there waiting?  You've already PROVEN you're a receptive host.    Do you want to be in that position?   

[mango_flower]

My interpretation would be that she needs both you and her new "love" to love and validate her. If she really wants to help you "move on", she would never ask questions like that.   I wonder if it makes her feel good to be wanted by two people? Could be.

Bingo... .     They fear abandonment in a way normal people can't imagine.   As "happy" as she may think she is (and she isn't, just mirroring a new object), she still fears abandonment.  If things don't work out with new object, which they won't, what better than to have you there waiting?  You've already PROVEN you're a receptive host.    Do you want to be in that position?   

I completely get your point. But she has told me before, and affirmed many times for me that she NEVER goes back - she was adament.  So I don't think she's sticking me around for a possible recycle... .  I just don't really understand any of it!  Argh... .  

[sunrising]

My ex also told me she "never looks back" after a break up.  she recycled me twice and tried again.

Has your ex ever told (promised) you other things which didn't turn out to be true/ reliable?   I wouldn't advise relying on her words to protect you from an attempted recycle or any other manipulation which is most likely compelling her to contact you.  Manipulation is the speciality of pwBPD.   If she is about to marry someone else, telling you she wants you to move on, and is asking you what you think about it, she's quite obviously manipulating you.   I'm sorry to say that, but it's clear.   Don't play the game.  You can't win.

[seeking balance]

Read the information on Karpman Triangle - classic BPD behavior - you are playing along nicely into it and depending upon her mood, you will be cast into one of the 3 roles.

Specifically, when she texts, "are you ok" - what do you text back?

[mosaicbird]

I completely get your point. But she has told me before, and affirmed many times for me that she NEVER goes back - she was adament.  So I don't think she's sticking me around for a possible recycle... .  I just don't really understand any of it!  Argh... .  

Even if that's true (who knows?), she could still want and obtain love and affirmation from you without taking you back, right? She could be enjoying having you longing after her, even without thinking she would take you back. She might not recycle, but she can bask.

[mango_flower]

Read the information on Karpman Triangle - classic BPD behavior - you are playing along nicely into it and depending upon her mood, you will be cast into one of the 3 roles.

Specifically, when she texts, "are you ok" - what do you text back?

I usually reply with something like "Hiya, really busy, work is crazy! You?" and just avoid the issue... .  

Thanks guys for replies

Mosaicbird - I have a sneaky feeling you may be right.

Thanks sunrising - interesting indeed!  I don't think she's lying - she has moved 3 hours away to be with her new girl and has just got a job, so I don't see her coming back anytime soon... .  I will be on guard though! x

[sunrising]

Even if that's true (who knows?), she could still want and obtain love and affirmation from you without taking you back, right? She could be enjoying having you longing after her, even without thinking she would take you back. She might not recycle, but she can bask.

aka CONTROL... .     Looking back on my relationship, I now know that my ex had tremendous control over my actions and emotions; causing me to do and say things I normally wouldn't and especially to accept behavior I normally wouldn't.  Every time you respond, no matter how you respond, you are showing her that she can still CONTROL you.  

This even applies to responding to messages from her proxies.  If you're compelled to respond, even if it's just to say "eff off", she's pulling the strings.  When you decide to go NC and stick with it, you are in control again.  And I don't mean you're controlling her... .   Forget her for a second.  You're controlling YOU.  And shouldn't you be?... .  

[seeking balance]

I usually reply with something like "Hiya, really busy, work is crazy! You?" and just avoid the issue... .  

What is your goal with this answer?

[mango_flower]

I usually reply with something like "Hiya, really busy, work is crazy! You?" and just avoid the issue... .  

What is your goal with this answer?

Honestly?  To avoid having to answer yet still keeping her sweet as she owes me money.

I have done the crying and begging, and I don't want to say I feel rubbish, as I don't want her to feel like she has won in some weird way... .  and I HAVE done that but she just says "I'm sorry I hurt you".

I also don't want to say "fine" as she will just think I never cared anyway, which is why she says she left me, and I just don't want her to think that... .  

[seeking balance]

Honestly?  To avoid having to answer yet still keeping her sweet as she owes me money.

Ok - next time just answer the question; but do not ask a question back.

Something like, slammed at work - thanks for asking.

If you don't want to really know how she is, why ask her?