well, that was interesting...

[Rockylove]

I knew it was coming... .  all the warning signs were there and he even said that he was really stressed and depressed.  All he ever wants to do when he's like that is get something to "trip" on.  He said "oh well... .  I can't get anything so you'll just have to put up with me"  

Things weren't too bad and I went to bed, but was awakened by the loud talking... .  sort of a 'passionate' discussion between my bf and his son.  I got up and came out to the living room.  The discussion was about 'mushrooms' AGAIN.  I should have known better and just gone back to bed, but alas... .  I did not.  My bf's son said he didn't understand why he was making such a big deal out of it (by that time bf was gearing up for a rage) and then my bf started in on me.  I sat quietly until he said I was a liar and compared me to his psycho ex-wife and called me a few other choice names.  I said "that's enough... .  I'm out of here" and packed a few things in a bag and left.   This was at 1am.

I really didn't feel up to driving far and didn't want to wake any friends or family at that hour, so I pulled into a church parking lot and laid back my seat.  I've slept in my truck before so it wasn't a big deal.  About 3am, I picked up what I thought was my phone to check the time, but realized it was his (and I also had his debit card in my wallet) so I drove back to the house to give it to him.  He was drunk by then and they were still having the "discussion" so I just handed him the card and phone and said I'd be back to which he said "I know you will, you need me to take care of you".  I didn't reply, but he then went off on me again and proceeded to usher me out telling me to get out of HIS house.  I left quietly.

I went to work in the morning... .  tired, but not really upset.  It was interesting.  He gave me one of the worst verbal thrashings imaginable and I wasn't all that upset.  I didn't take it personally.  Some of what he said was true, but for the most part, he was projecting his inadequacies on me and knowing that it is BPD made it easier to deal with.  Not that I enjoy being berated, but I didn't feel that it was anything I did or did not do this time.  I didn't cry... .  I felt sad that it happened, but also very peaceful.  

When I got home in the evening he greeted me very lovingly and whispered, I'm sorry in my ear.  He has NEVER apologized before!  In fact, we recently had the discussion of him saying horrible things to me and NOT apologizing.  His response was "well... .  I figure something said can't be taken back" to which I told him that even if one feels justified in what they said, one can always apologize for hurting another's feelings.  Maybe that hit home with him~~maybe he felt genuine remorse for blasting me.  I'll probably never know for sure, but I'm glad he said he was sorry.

and life goes on... .  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DyingLove]

Sorry you got blasted, definitely not a great way to spend an evening.  Do you think that you were not totally overwhelmed because of your recent plans and commitment of getting married?  If BF and Son didn't get drunk, do you think the same outcome would have happened?

I can feel the uncomfort of needing to sleep away from home... .  even worse... .  in your truck (hope it's a nice truck at least).

HUGS

[yeeter]

Thanks for sharing rocky!

Detaching to where the barrage doesnt trigger YOU is a great feeling of control over your own emotions and decisions.  Its a great sign how calmly you took it.

Then... .  enforcing the boundary/giving space but coming back and you received an apology! 

These all seem significant in that its turning the corner on the groundwork of how you two will interact in a more healthy way.

[laelle]

 

I know money can be tight so I understand you pulling over and not getting a hotel, but at least stop by taco bell and have a snack and a drink.  Keep a book in your car for such nights.  Relax and be glad for the silence.

[CodependentHusband]

RL,

   Ouch! I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. You are getting to a better place, I think, in that you knew you needed to physically remove yourself from the situation at that time, as inconvenient and potentially dangerous as it was. Hopefully the next step is being able to find a way to not have to leave in the middle of the night. Not that it didn't sound like it was warranted. Has he ever gotten physical after he's been drinking?

[laelle]

From what you say I think his reaction may have been an extinction burst.  Give it time, before long when things start getting hairy he may decide to do a self check.  If your not there he cant put on the show.  Better that he defuses.

[waverider]

That was good for both of you, you stressed less, stuck to your boundaries and as such the drama was contained to a degree.

You did not allow his projections to hit home, hence you did not join the dance. That way he could not pin blame on you and had to own it, hence the apology. Doesn't  mean it wont happen again, but at least he acknowledged his part in it.

Do this everytime BEFORE you get stressed, that way your time away is less stressful and you wont sow any seeds for blame by lashing back.

You not being stressed and overly affected is what it is all about.

[Rockylove]

Thank you all... .  I probably could have avoided the situation all together, but having it happen was actually a good thing.  I know much more than I did before it happened for sure!  I'm a whole lot more sure of myself and that's a good feeling.

One of the things he said in his rage was that I can't take care of myself and I know that isn't true.  I may not own my own home and would have to bunk with friends or family for a bit until I regroup, but it's nothing I haven't had to do before and I survived.  I didn't feel the need to apologize to him... .  I did apologize to his son though~~he was trying to defend my honor in this and I want him to know that it's not necessary~~but that would require an explanation as to why I would put up with his dad's disrespect of me... .  we've discussed a few things about his dad feeling things differently than most "normal" people.  He's a smart kid... .  he's well aware (he even told me that he was really glad that his dad found someone willing to put up with his ___!  LOL  That was a long while ago... .  I know now what he was talking about!  I'm tempted to bring up BPD with my to-be-son-in-law, but I'm not sure that it wouldn't come up in conversation with his dad at some point which I wouldn't want to happen.

At any rate... .  I feel really good today.  I know that even if this relationship fails... .  I haven't failed myself.  I'm growing up, guys!  LOL

[DyingLove]

Amazing! Youve got a wonderful outlook!  What more can i say!

[waverider]

Thank you all... .  I probably could have avoided the situation all together, but having it happen was actually a good thing.  I know much more than I did before it happened for sure!  I'm a whole lot more sure of myself and that's a good feeling.

This is important. As you get your own self belief back and your own confidence in dealing with issues you wont have to always try to avoid things at all cost. That is regaining control of your life. You dont HAVE to do anything, you can CHOOSE what to do. It is empowering.

[laelle]

This is important. As you get your own self belief back and your own confidence in dealing with issues you wont have to always try to avoid things at all cost. That is regaining control of your life. You dont HAVE to do anything, you can CHOOSE what to do. It is empowering.

[Rockylove]

waverider and laelle, you are correct.  I always have choices in how I handle myself.  That time, I chose not to walk away... .  he may or may not have directed his anger at me had I gone back to bed immediately, but I'll never know that for certain.  I sensed that the rage was eminent yet was still caught in the crossfire because I allowed it.  As time goes on, I want NOT to allow myself to get caught in it, but to walk away with my dignity intact.

CoDep... .  He hasn't gotten physical at all, but it's like I always say about my dog when someone asks if he bites~~he has never bitten anyone, but I won't guarantee that it will never happen either.  My goal is to be safe.  I don't know for certain that he'll never lay a hand on me in anger and I really don't want to test those waters either!  I'd prefer to use the tools I'm learning to keep things from escalating to that point.


dyinglove... .  you asked Do you think that you were not totally overwhelmed because of your recent plans and commitment of getting married?  If BF and Son didn't get drunk, do you think the same outcome would have happened?  A lot is happening right now that is overwhelming to us both.  We're working on the house and doing things that we have never done before (re-wiring, plumbing, etc) and that is a challenge in itself and creates a stressful situation.  I have thought about what marriage means to me and I'm doubtful that his motivation is entirely the same as mine, but that's ok too. 

My main concern at the moment is that he told me to get out of HIS HOUSE.  I know this house is not mine, although he has put it in his will that I may live here until I die regardless of whether or not we get married, he still has the power to change his mind and kick me out.  He didn't pull any (proverbial) punches this time... .  he knows that getting kicked to the curb is a hot spot for me.  The older I get, the more I desire the security of having a place I can call home.  He used that against me and although I know I'll survive if it all goes away tomorrow, the fact that he has that power over me is a bit unnerving.  I still have to figure that one out.

[laelle]

When you no longer worry if he is going to rage or not is when you know you have arrived at a healthy place.

Its the confidence in knowing that if he rages you KNOW you can deal with it.  The rage become no major issue.  You dont take it personally.  You are happier and healthier.  He is happier and healthier.

You have your arsenal behind you;

Lessons

Family

Friends

[CodependentHusband]

RL,

   I just want to say that I am so freaking proud of you! It is such a great feeling when you see the same chaos as before, but you remain in control despite it all.

  As for the house, of it were me, I'd not confide that particular vulnerability to him anymore. I have found that, as difficult as it can be at times, that there are certain fears I simply cannot share openly with my wife anymore, lest they be perceived as a weakness and misused in a moment of dysregulation by the pwBPD. It seems counter to conventional relationship advice to suggest building an emotional wall; however, we are not in conventional relationships. For me, finding the right balance is a big key to this. As an example, I quit sharing any shred of fear concerning infidelity on the part of my wife (a fear from how my first marriage ended, no doubt). As a result, I do not see that used against me by my pwBPD anymore. I still have that fear from time to time, but I don't share about it, or act insecure about it.


Glad you are okay, and I'm glad to hear about your experience of growth! It will never be EASY, but it will get much EASIER.

[Rockylove]

CoDep... .  Thank you so much for your encouragement.  Oddly enough, I was thinking of that very thing yesterday and you are quite right.  I was working (which was a good thing) but the thoughts kept swimming in my head and I was feeling rather sad.  Every one of my fears/insecurities/etc that I had mentioned to him were used against me during this rage and it got to me.  I was really sad that I cannot tell him of my deepest fears because they will be stored in the 'I can bring her down' portion of his brain to later be recalled when he's feeling badly about himself. 

But then something wonderful happened~~the little light came on (I call this god-slapped) and I realized that I won't die if I can't share those things with him, nor will I die from him using my fears in an effort to intimidate me. Aside that, what I've said to him already has been used and not all that effectively!  Although I don't enjoy the verbal thrashing, it won't change who I am.   

I still have to work on walking away before things escalate... .  it's so difficult to do when he says something so terribly disparaging about me, but I know that's the best choice to make.  Most of the time, he'll btch me out and storm out of the room and if I respond at all, all hell breaks loose!  I suppose he feels justified in berating me and I'm not supposed to say a word~~ok.  He's often said that he hates for someone to follow him around trying to start an argument and I have gotten to the point where I will just stay put and be silent when he does that.  There are times though when HE continues on his rampage and won't shut up!  He says that I don't feel validated unless I'm talking, but he's the one who is perpetually lip flapping.  His son actually called him on that during this last rage which did no good that night, but his son also made some comment about it the next day when they were sober and had gotten some sleep.  He wasn't taking sides, mind you, but he was the voice of reason and all was well thereafter.

At any rate, it wasn't a nice thing for our "guests" to experience, but I sincerely believe that everything happens just the way it's supposed to~~one either grows from the experience or their spirit dwindles and it's up to the individual to choose how it will affect them... .  I choose growth. 

[waverider]

As you get better at recognizing the signs and removing yourself early, the easier it is to do so without it being about the the 'issue", as the issue doesn't arise, hence the need to explain. The more you do do it, the more it becomes the norm and the more the "time outs" are about having "your time" rather than consequences of issues, resulting lower resentment as the more you take control of these times and use them constructively. It takes a while but the shift is subtle and non confrontational.

turns coping skills into development skills