climbing down off the fence...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well I've put a lot down on these pages over the years, had my time with ruminations and so many questions about what had really happened and recently have re-engaged. Now it's time to climb down off the fence as some have said to me.

What have I learned from my BPDexgf lately, well she's still flaky and holding back and to me... .  that says she hasn't done the work and is most likely the very same VERY ill woman I dated years ago.

What do I think I would get if we started up again?  I think that at first she'd be on her best behavior and then the behaviors would creep back it.  Do I want to date a double standard?  A serial cheater?  A serial flirt?  Someone who can't give to me but will constantly have needs?  Someone who can't give to my children the way a healthy woman could but that would require me to give endlessly to her daughter?

The pros for this relationship?  Well they are harder to articulate but revolve around her just having a great energy and passion for life to be around when she's well... .  

Yeah... .  it's sad but I think I know the side of the fence I need to climb over to... .  

[NewStart]

Well I've put a lot down on these pages over the years, had my time with ruminations and so many questions about what had really happened and recently have re-engaged. Now it's time to climb down off the fence as some have said to me.

What have I learned from my BPDexgf lately, well she's still flaky and holding back and to me... .  that says she hasn't done the work and is most likely the very same VERY ill woman I dated years ago.

What do I think I would get if we started up again?  I think that at first she'd be on her best behavior and then the behaviors would creep back it.  Do I want to date a double standard?  A serial cheater?  A serial flirt?  Someone who can't give to me but will constantly have needs?  Someone who can't give to my children the way a healthy woman could but that would require me to give endlessly to her daughter?

The pros for this relationship?  Well they are harder to articulate but revolve around her just having a great energy and passion for life to be around when she's well... .  

Yeah... .  it's sad but I think I know the side of the fence I need to climb over to... .  

[yeeter]

 

You are, as they say, working through what is the right answer for yourself.  What I appreciate about your posts were that you seem to have put it out there for review this time.  You were open to other perspectives and insights.

To me this is healthy input - to change the 'process' by which you make decisions.  I know if I had done more of this in years past, I may have come to different decisions which would have ultimately been more thought through.

[blecker]

Yeah... .  it's sad but I think I know the side of the fence I need to climb over to... .  

I don't know if it is sad but I do know that it is good that you are seeing other arguements.

I know that once I stood upon the hill in the breeze, it was hard to understand why I found the swamp so alluring for so long.

[maria1]

Hey Newstart

Just be careful- chances are while you're thinking about it she'll sweep in and pull some loveliness to drag you onto the other side again!

I got to the point of knowing I couldn't have a relationship with my BPDex relatively quickly and that in itself is hard enough. My children were actually what saved me- they don't need crazy in their lives; they have plenty enough of that already! I need to be the grown up an keep them safe. By choosing to be out of the relationship you are making a healthy choice and that can only be good for them.

Please keep that in mind if you waiver. It really gets me through, more than anything.

Good for you for being open and honest with yourself- it's incredibly hard.   

[hithere]

Hope you stay strong, your pro / cons list sounds very one-sided!

For me the deal-breakers were also how she treated my kids (and hers), life is hard enough without exposing them constantly to someone that makes crazy.

[NewStart]

Well, I'm pretty damn weak... .  I read a patientandclear post on the staying board and of course sent BPDex a text... .  wth

[hithere]

hahaha, we all have our moments of weakness, but like your screen name, every day is a New Start!

[yeeter]

Well, I'm pretty damn weak... .  I read a patientandclear post on the staying board and of course sent BPDex a text... .  wth

You know... .  this could be a opportunity for you to just sit with this thought for a bit.  Its like a drug - and the addict is pulled towards it (even when the rest of them is screaming no!)

Why is that?  What is it about you, that allows you to get sucked in?

(but for sure as hithere states - forgive yourself and move on.  And dont worry, this very scenario will come up again for sure so learning from it is the best course)

[benny2]

I can relate to everything you are saying NewStart. All one sided. Serial cheater, lier, menipulater. I treated his daughters like my own, and he would not give my kids the time of day. Even though they are grown and on their own, when they would stop over or stay for a weekend, they felt very uncomfortable. So many cons, and I know what I need to do also. I have  tried but he keeps pulling me back in.  Guess I'm just not strong enough yet.

[patientandclear]

Well, I'm pretty damn weak... .  I read a patientandclear post on the staying board and of course sent BPDex a text... .  wth

Oh boy.  Now I feel guilty!

As you know I won't argue against continued contact, but I will argue against continued contact absent clarity about what you're doing and what you want.  I would prioritize soul-searching around that before you have another heart to heart with her.

What makes sense to me: figure out what she can actually DO.  Figure out if that is valuable to you & is enough to warrant the inevitable confusion and ups and downs.  If it is, great.  If it's not, then you don't want to go forward, because for sure, what you are going to get is what she can actually do, not what you wish she could do, or what she wishes she could do.

[NewStart]

Oh it's not you P&C it was just the topic. In your post someone said 'why kill yourself wondering, just send a text saying hey' and I thought that was right thing to do. And like your BPDex mine had gone silent but her response seemed to express thanks that I had broke the silence.

So, what now... .  she's out of town for business but wants to get together for a glass of wine when she's back... .  

Guess this is 'To be continued' huh?

[yeeter]

she's out of town for business but wants to get together for a glass of wine when she's back... .  

What do 'YOU' want NewStart?  Knowing what is possible, and what is NOT possible - what is it that YOU want?

[NewStart]

Good question yeeter, I don't think I know because she's been sort of a mysterious gal since we've been back in contact. I think that's why everything has been so hard to gauge, because I can't get a constant read on her.

[oletimefeelin]

Good question yeeter, I don't think I know because she's been sort of a mysterious gal since we've been back in contact. I think that's why everything has been so hard to gauge, because I can't get a constant read on her.

He asked you what you want.  Not what she wants.  Do you ever expect her to be easy to gauge?

[NewStart]

Haha, I just found myself answering the question 'what do I want' with the answer consistentcy... .  haha, not gonna happen right?

[benny2]

not a chance newstart. Its not their forte

[yeeter]

Hi newstart

Don't fall into the trap of adjusting what YOU want, based on what you think it might be possible for HER to give. 

It's ok to want something she can't give.  And IMO, quite ok to say what you want even if she can't give it. 

Once you get through that position you can ask yourself... .  Well... .  How can I get what I want?