The Art of Loving

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Two questions seem to get tossed around here a lot (including by me):

1) Did my exwBPD every truly love me?

2) Did I ever truly love my ex?

My logical mind tells me that the answer to both these questions is "no" based on what I've learned about BPD.  Namely, my ex didn't truly love me because true love doesn't come and go from one day to the next.  Also, because in order to truly love another person one must first love themselves.  That statement used to sound a little like rhetorical "psycho-babble" to me, but it has come to mean a lot more.  I could not have truly loved my ex, because she doesn't exist, as a whole person.  Which is to say she has no real identity.  What's to love?   Even though I can rationalize these thoughts, my emotional self has a very hard time accepting that true love never existed.

My dad, a retired counselor, encouraged me to look into a book called "The Art of Loving", by psychologist and social philosopher Erich Fromm.  I intend to read the book in its entirety, but just reading a short review of it on Wikipedia gave me a new way of looking at love which made it easier to understand how it never existed in the relationship with my exwBPD.  The basic premise behind Fromm's theory of love is:

"The Art of Loving argues that the active character of true love involves four basic elements: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Each of these is difficult to define and can differ markedly depending on the people involved and their circumstances. Seen in these terms, love is hard work, but it is also the most rewarding kind of work."

     - Care: Did my ex care about me?  Some days it seemed yes, though the argument can certainly be made this was an "act" to manipulate my emotions for her own needs.  Some days, clearly no... .    I'd say she failed the "care" test due to a lack of consistency, at best.  Did I care about her?  I think I was very consistent in caring about and FOR her.  I'd give myself a basic pass on this one.

     - Responsibility:  Did my ex feel responsible to me?  Or act responsibly toward me?... .    Certainly not consistently... .  She fails.  Did I?  I think I did, but I certainly wasn't responsible to myself.  I'll have to read more to see what this really means according to Fromm to determine if I pass the responsibility test. 

     - Respect: Was my ex respectful of me?  Absolutely not... .    She allowed and created relationships with other men which were inappropriate and unfaithful.  When angry, she would  try to think of the most disrespectful things she could say to me.  And then she would never truly apologize, only express remorse for "how she acted" and "how ashamed/ embarrassed she was", not how it affected me... .    A true apology is about what you did to the other person, not how it made you feel.  There are other examples of her basic disrespect.    Was I respectful of her?  I think so.  But again, not of myself... .    I said and did things I would have never done had I been respecting myself. 

     - Knowledge:  I'm not sure exactly what Fromm means here and I imagine there are multiple aspects, but I assume part of it is a  comprehensive knowledge of the other person, their strengths and weaknesses, and loving them with all of that.  Did my ex KNOW me and love me?  No.  She doesn't know the real me because I didn't act like the real me.  Did I KNOW my ex?  Absolutely not... .    She doesn't even know herself.  This is the very nature of BPD.  I only know a confused, disordered person who mirrored me then devalued me because of the disorder she suffers from.  There's no way I KNOW her.  She basically doesn't exist in the sense a real person does.

I'm looking forward to reading the book; not for the purpose of further analyzing my failed relationship, but to learn more about "The Art of Loving" so I can practice and receive true love in the future. 

[sunrising]

Two questions seem to get tossed around here a lot (including by me):

1) Did my exwBPD every truly love me?

2) Did I ever truly love my ex?

My logical mind tells me that the answer to both these questions is "no" based on what I've learned about BPD.  Namely, my ex didn't truly love me because true love doesn't come and go from one day to the next.  Also, because in order to truly love another person one must first love themselves.  That statement used to sound a little like rhetorical "psycho-babble" to me, but it has come to mean a lot more.  I could not have truly loved my ex, because she doesn't exist, as a whole person.  Which is to say she has no real identity.  What's to love?   Even though I can rationalize these thoughts, my emotional self has a very hard time accepting that true love never existed.

My dad, a retired counselor, encouraged me to look into a book called "The Art of Loving", by psychologist and social philosopher Erich Fromm.  I intend to read the book in its entirety, but just reading a short review of it on Wikipedia gave me a new way of looking at love which made it easier to understand how it never existed in the relationship with my exwBPD.  The basic premise behind Fromm's theory of love is:

"The Art of Loving argues that the active character of true love involves four basic elements: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge. Each of these is difficult to define and can differ markedly depending on the people involved and their circumstances. Seen in these terms, love is hard work, but it is also the most rewarding kind of work."

     - Care: Did my ex care about me?  Some days it seemed yes, though the argument can certainly be made this was an "act" to manipulate my emotions for her own needs.  Some days, clearly no... .    I'd say she failed the "care" test due to a lack of consistency, at best.  Did I care about her?  I think I was very consistent in caring about and FOR her.  I'd give myself a basic pass on this one.

     - Responsibility:  Did my ex feel responsible to me?  Or act responsibly toward me?... .    Certainly not consistently... .  She fails.  Did I?  I think I did, but I certainly wasn't responsible to myself.  I'll have to read more to see what this really means according to Fromm to determine if I pass the responsibility test. 

     - Respect: Was my ex respectful of me?  Absolutely not... .    She allowed and created relationships with other men which were inappropriate and unfaithful.  When angry, she would  try to think of the most disrespectful things she could say to me.  And then she would never truly apologize, only express remorse for "how she acted" and "how ashamed/ embarrassed she was", not how it affected me... .    A true apology is about what you did to the other person, not how it made you feel.  There are other examples of her basic disrespect.    Was I respectful of her?  I think so.  But again, not of myself... .    I said and did things I would have never done had I been respecting myself. 

     - Knowledge:  I'm not sure exactly what Fromm means here and I imagine there are multiple aspects, but I assume part of it is a  comprehensive knowledge of the other person, their strengths and weaknesses, and loving them with all of that.  Did my ex KNOW me and love me?  No.  She doesn't know the real me because I didn't act like the real me.  Did I KNOW my ex?  Absolutely not... .    She doesn't even know herself.  This is the very nature of BPD.  I only know a confused, disordered person who mirrored me then devalued me because of the disorder she suffers from.  There's no way I KNOW her.  She basically doesn't exist in the sense a real person does.

I'm looking forward to reading the book; not for the purpose of further analyzing my failed relationship, but to learn more about "The Art of Loving" so I can practice and receive true love in the future. 

[nylonsquid]

Yes yes yes! A resounding yes! I am infatuated with Erich Fromm. An under rated psychologist with a big heart. I read this book and several others of his and I can't recommend it enough!

Though his opinions are his own it is very hard to argue against them. He describes the act of 'falling in love' as opposed to the 'act of loving'. The former being one of the most exhilarating human experiences one can have but not long lasting. The latter being a commitment and an act; an action. One can not give it without giving it to oneself.

I've learnt much from the book. One thing I've come to realize is that the love I will have with someone will not be limited to me and the other individual. It will be communal. It will start from within me but extend to another as we share this spark of 'giving' and 'support' to those around us. Love to me is no longer this romanticized idea of love of passion and fire but more as a responsibility that I have to society. To rid society of the negative emotions by being responsible towards myself first then extending that to others around me. It's the bigger picture. I have much to learn to put this into action but I don't want to just do things for myself, because I am not without others, and to that I want to give. My love for a partner is a message of love to everyone.

A beautiful book. Highly recommended to everyone!