Not pleased with me email

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ex emailed me that the vet contacted him about the dog.  His number is on our account with the vet.  I could tell he was not pleased because the email in the inbox had his formal name associated with it.  Email from :Formal Name.  When he likes me he uses Nickname, Email from : Nickname.

I thought, how amazing that I had to learn details like this to know what ex is thinking.  Because he is so utterly passive/aggressive.

I called the vet and updated my info so they don't call him.  I didn't bother responding to ex, make that Mr. Ex Esquire the Third.  

Want to add, it's the same email address from him, somehow he can change how it shows in my inbox.  Maybe he is two personalities, who knows.

[Rose Tiger]

Ex emailed me that the vet contacted him about the dog.  His number is on our account with the vet.  I could tell he was not pleased because the email in the inbox had his formal name associated with it.  Email from :Formal Name.  When he likes me he uses Nickname, Email from : Nickname.

I thought, how amazing that I had to learn details like this to know what ex is thinking.  Because he is so utterly passive/aggressive.

I called the vet and updated my info so they don't call him.  I didn't bother responding to ex, make that Mr. Ex Esquire the Third.  

Want to add, it's the same email address from him, somehow he can change how it shows in my inbox.  Maybe he is two personalities, who knows.

[id-crisis]

Ex emailed me that the vet contacted him about the dog.  His number is on our account with the vet.  I could tell he was not pleased because the email in the inbox had his formal name associated with it.  Email from :Formal Name.  When he likes me he uses Nickname, Email from : Nickname.

I thought, how amazing that I had to learn details like this to know what ex is thinking.  Because he is so utterly passive/aggressive.

I called the vet and updated my info so they don't call him.  I didn't bother responding to ex, make that Mr. Ex Esquire the Third.  

Want to add, it's the same email address from him, somehow he can change how it shows in my inbox.  Maybe he is two personalities, who knows.

Well done for not responding Rose  


Strange isn't it?  - I noticed mine using symbolic things like that!  If he was in one of his resentful (passive aggressive) modes, he would address me without capitalising the first letter of my name (it became glaringly obvious it was a very deliberate conscious act!) ... .  other times when he would be apologising or "brown-nosing" he would use a smaller font ... .  again very deliberate. Now if that isn't the mentality of a 3 year old at work ... .  I don't know what is!  

[seeking balance]

Ex emailed me that the vet contacted him about the dog.  His number is on our account with the vet.  I could tell he was not pleased because the email in the inbox had his formal name associated with it.  Email from :Formal Name.  When he likes me he uses Nickname, Email from : Nickname.

I thought, how amazing that I had to learn details like this to know what ex is thinking.  Because he is so utterly passive/aggressive.

I called the vet and updated my info so they don't call him.  I didn't bother responding to ex, make that Mr. Ex Esquire the Third.  

Want to add, it's the same email address from him, somehow he can change how it shows in my inbox.  Maybe he is two personalities, who knows.

OK Rose - I am going to challenge you a bit here... .  this is for YOU, not the masses or newbies.

Why wouldn't you simply respond saying "thank you, it has been updated"?  Again, this is what a detached person would be able to do.

Of course he wasn't pleased, if the roles were reversed - YOU wouldn't be pleased either.

How can we start turning the corner so you can let go freely?

[Rose Tiger]

Why would I be upset if the vet called me about his dog?  If I were upset, I would call the vet and say, could you please change the number on ex's account.  That's what I would do in either case, upset or not.

Ok, validating, ex was triggered by the vet calling him, not my job to figure out why.  He doesn't think like me and that's ok.  Yet this was not something I did to him, it was a detail to work out, and I'm not going to feel bad about the vet calling him.

These are things that come up when you are getting the ducks in a row.  I'll respond to Nickname, Mr. Ex III can go pound sand.  He is Mr. Hyde.

[blecker]

Why wouldn't you simply respond saying "thank you, it has been updated"?  Again, this is what a detached person would be able to do.

I agree that controlled detachment is the ultimate goal; Polite, casual, dettached communications when absolutely necessary.

But sometimes this personal health acheivement only enrages the teetering abandonment fears of the BPD sufferer. The more detached I became the more consumed she became.

I outlasted her but it was a long, long process with gritted teeth and endless lessens in patience.

[seeking balance]

Why would I be upset if the vet called me about his dog?  If I were upset, I would call the vet and say, could you please change the number on ex's account.  That's what I would do in either case, upset or not.

Ok, validating, ex was triggered by the vet calling him, not my job to figure out why.  He doesn't think like me and that's ok.  Yet this was not something I did to him, it was a detail to work out, and I'm not going to feel bad about the vet calling him.

These are things that come up when you are getting the ducks in a row.  I'll respond to Nickname, Mr. Ex III can go pound sand.  He is Mr. Hyde.

Ok Rose - since you posted about it here - there must be some emotion around it for you is all.  It is coming across as angry or frustrated - perhaps that is not your intent.

What emotion are you feeling to his email?

[Rose Tiger]

Well, it goes back to when I cared how he felt and the formal stance would upset me because it told me that I had done something wrong.  Yellow alert.  Prepare for punishment.

Now I feel like oh brother, you are upset over that?  Irritated.  Sad at how it used to control me.  OH honey, I'm so sorry, please don't be mad.  I feel sad for me and how I used to be in the relationship.  Taking on so much shame for stupid dumb things.

[seeking balance]

Well, it goes back to when I cared how he felt and the formal stance would upset me because it told me that I had done something wrong.  Yellow alert.  Prepare for punishment.

what emotion is this in you?

Now I feel like oh brother, you are upset over that? 

an assumption on your part, not necessarily a fact which is leading to:

Irritated.  Sad at how it used to control me.  OH honey, I'm so sorry, please don't be mad.  I feel sad for me and how I used to be in the relationship.  Taking on so much shame for stupid dumb things.

So, would it be accurate to say this has triggered you into the anger phase of grief?

[Rose Tiger]

1) Fear

2) He used this in the past to let me know he was not pleased.

3) Yes.  I know we ask this a million times on the staying board but why couldn't he have emailed, Hey, looks like my number is on dog's account with the vet, they called me about his ear infection. 

Why couldn't he?  Yeah, we all know why.  But this I could communicate with.  His anger, I feel done with it.

[seeking balance]

1) Fear

2) He used this in the past to let me know he was not pleased.

3) Yes.  I know we ask this a million times on the staying board but why couldn't he have emailed, Hey, looks like my number is on dog's account with the vet, they called me about his ear infection. 

Why couldn't he?  Yeah, we all know why.  But this I could communicate with.  His anger, I feel done with it.

How can we help you move past the anger and into acceptance? 

[Apple white]

Rose Tiger, this has just given me another  moment.  My ex has 7 email addresses that he uses for his different lives.  The one he uses for me he changes the name frequently depending on what he wanted.  You have just given me another piece of the jigsaw that fits  . Thank you.

[Rose Tiger]

Hmmm, not sure.  If I take it from outside looking in, I see a woman who let this person wreak havoc in her life.  I see her taking a stand of no, this is not something to feel the bad person about.  It's good to know that the number needed to be changed.  Him being his the III self, wasn't uncommon, that's what he did.  When he wanted control, fear and general cringing.

I was thinking about how I became Relationship CSI to reading his 'signals'.  And how 2 months past the divorce, he chooses to send this particular one.  After all the changes, he still would choose 'control' as an option.  I see that is who he is and that is his method of choice.  Punishment vs positive reinforcement, something I think about in training my dog.  I would rather use positive reinforcement to build my dog up rather than fear to tear him apart.  And that's how I am responding or not responding in this case.  Ignore the 'bad', reward the 'good'.  It sends a signal that he has lost his jump through hoops girl.  My anger will be short lived as I see this through new eyes of knowing that he can't hurt me anymore.  He can still tork me but those have got to be about done.  I can't think of anything else that we are going to need to address.  Maybe this is his farewell shot over the bow.

[Rose Tiger]

Rose Tiger, this has just given me another  moment.  My ex has 7 email addresses that he uses for his different lives.  The one he uses for me he changes the name frequently depending on what he wanted.  You have just given me another piece of the jigsaw that fits  . Thank you.

Like playing dress up.

[sunrising]

For what it's worth, my detachment has been made easier (I think) by ONLY responding to a message when I felt I needed something.  In the month we've been broken up and I've committed to no contact, my ex has sent me 6 or so texts (I blocked them after a few days), tried calling me at least once (blocked that too, before the call), 6-8 emails, and 2 messages from her mom's Facebook account (before I thought to block it as well).  The first few were all about getting her mail forwarded.  She was using that as the one attachment she still had to me.  I responded to 1 one of them and simply said "Please send me your new mailing address and I will forward your mail until the end of the month".  That same email included personal thoughts, to which I didn't respond.  All the messages since then (4-5 more emails and the 3 FB messages) have been completely personal (wanting to be friends, hinting that we might be together again, etc) and she has received no response.  Her last email to me, around a week ago, was SCATHING.  She went on for several paragraphs about what a failure I am, how I'm "fooling everyone", etc.  I did not respond.  

I am not completely detached, but I do know one thing and will not forget it:  If I respond in ANY way, she will perceive this as her regaining control of ME and try to use it as an opportunity to manipulate me.  I don't want that.  :)o you?  If not, I would go NC and stick to it.  

sunrising

[seeking balance]

 And how 2 months past the divorce, he chooses to send this particular one.  

Rose Tiger - he emailed because your vet contacted him, he didn't have to do it at all - it doesn't sound like he was trying to do anything but be formal since you are NC.

Not every single thing a pwBPD does is about controlling YOU - he may have simply done what he thought was appropriate.

To focus on you - your anger - is it possible, this is your grief coming through as anger?  Or is it that anger has become comfortable for you in response to him since it helped you survive the very traumatic divorce?

I am not completely detached, but I do know one thing and will not forget it:  If I respond in ANY way, she will perceive this as her regaining control of ME and try to use it as an opportunity to manipulate me.  I don't want that.  Do you?  If not, I would go NC and stick to it. 

I agree with you where you are at your time here.

As I prefaced, what I am writing to Rose is not really for the majority trying to detach.

[Rose Tiger]

No, I haven't gone NC.  Since there have been things to work out, we occasionally email.  Not once has he used the Mr. Formal moniker.  I don't believe it was incidental due to the content.

He emailed me yesterday to ask if his daughter could continue to use my family membership at the gym.  Something I hadn't thought about, I have a family membership and it's the same price for me and my daughter as it is with his kids on the list, which they are, I added them a few years ago.  I responded that I had no problem with that.  (Which is true, it's no imposition to me.)

Am I reading more into his email last night than I should?  I can ponder that a bit.

[real lady]

 And how 2 months past the divorce, he chooses to send this particular one.  

Rose Tiger - he emailed because your vet contacted him, he didn't have to do it at all - it doesn't sound like he was trying to do anything but be formal since you are NC.

((Rose Tiger)) It sounds to me like he took the opportunity to "show you" that he was ticked as if you had anything to do with it, I would NOT have responded at all AND would have gone ahead and BLOCKED that email from further contact. I don't believe that he did it out of "courtesy"... .  he could have called and kvetched at the Veternarian to take his number off the account... .  I think he was just being a  ... .  

I am not completely detached, but I do know one thing and will not forget it:  If I respond in ANY way, she will perceive this as her regaining control of ME and try to use it as an opportunity to manipulate me.  I don't want that.  Do you?  If not, I would go NC and stick to it. 

This is how I would respond also ESPECIALLY after 2 months AFTER divorce... .  he was being childish and wanting to "get to her"... .  

[Rose Tiger]

Yes, Real Lady, I hear you.  Appreciate the hugs!

I have been in a funk lately, it's not just this incident.  You know how stressors and feeling alone can be hard.  I'm unhappy that things turned out this way.  Not just this email, in general.  It's the years that went into this, I want those years back to try again with someone else.  That isn't going to happen. 

Those of you with short term experiences, I wish I had caught on that fast.  I think when you've been in something for years, those brain grooves run deep.  I'm filling them in with other stuff but I must have a few pesky really deep grooves that are going to take some time.   

[seeking balance]

No, I haven't gone NC.  Since there have been things to work out, we occasionally email.  Not once has he used the Mr. Formal moniker.  I don't believe it was incidental due to the content.

He emailed me yesterday to ask if his daughter could continue to use my family membership at the gym.  Something I hadn't thought about, I have a family membership and it's the same price for me and my daughter as it is with his kids on the list, which they are, I added them a few years ago.  I responded that I had no problem with that.  (Which is true, it's no imposition to me.)

thanks for clarifying on the NC.

ok, so you responded to the info on your daughter, but  you don't want to do a courtesy thank because he used a formal email address?  really, does this seem like a consistent response from you or worth getting angry about?

Am I reading more into his email last night than I should?  I can ponder that a bit.

I don't know, only you know - why is it a big deal at all?

Indifference is the goal - who cares what email account he sends from?  It was information valuable to you.  Detachment is not letting our emotions be effected by their actions... .  

So, the anger coming from you (I ask again) - is it grief driven or that you are comfortable going to that emotion for some reason?

I am in no way trying to pick on you RT - you are a leader here and most of us got stuck in this angry place out of comfort, it is only when we examine it can we finally let it go.

[seeking balance]

I have been in a funk lately, it's not just this incident.  You know how stressors and feeling alone can be hard.  I'm unhappy that things turned out this way.  Not just this email, in general.  It's the years that went into this, I want those years back to try again with someone else.  That isn't going to happen. 

Those of you with short term experiences, I wish I had caught on that fast.  I think when you've been in something for years, those brain grooves run deep.  I'm filling them in with other stuff but I must have a few pesky really deep grooves that are going to take some time.   

Grief button was pushed it seems from this response... .  that's ok... .  it took me a long time not to go directly to anger - simply let the hurt flow.

 

[clairedair]

Hi Rose Tiger

my e-mail name issue is the other way around.  My ex addresses me with my more formal name when we were separated and a shortened version that he and close family use when we were together (we recycled a few times).  I actually found an e-mail today where I signed the shortened version and then jokingly asked if it was OK to use this name again (only it really wasn't a joke when I think about it - why would I ask permission when it was about my identity?).

I in turn have used the name thing as a way of expressing my own anger.  I once signed an e-mail "fullname/shortname/ex" and added "delete as appropriate". Not very mature.

I find that it's seemingly insignificant things like how an e-mail is addressed that can really trigger me still.  A reminder of how he would overnight switch from loving me to leaving me.  And a reminder that I colluded with the recycling.

[Rose Tiger]

Yes, the signs that all is not well are still triggers for me, this far out.  :)o not miss those times and I am really glad that there isn't anything he can do, so trigger and then, no punishment.  Yay.  He can't double dare divorce me.

I was thinking, when I called the vet and getting it all sorted out, he was the one to change the info on the accounts when he moved out.  I had to change my animals BACK to my info.  This was something that became a 'thing' due to his actions not anything I did.  When they called him, it was a reminder of a mistake he made.  And could of fixed himself.  He knows I would never yell at him over anything but maybe a part of him was fearful that I'd say something critical.  Again, who knows.  A simple thing becomes a trip to Oz.

I took the dog for a romp in the snow, I put a muffler around his neck just to make him look cute.  He is so adorable.  I felt good for getting him out, in a snow storm and watching him run through the snow drifts.

[clairedair]

I like the image of the dog in the snow!  Something positive about your dog instead of something negative.

I'm trying not to spend time wondering what words/actions mean any more - it's too exhausting.  But it's a habit now and one that is taking longer than I'd like to break!

[Rose Tiger]

I hear you, if a person can't come out with it, then it's their dealio.  Right?  Right.

It's more fun to mess with the animals.  Kitty wouldn't stop jumping on the counter so I put her in the dog kennel.  The dog found this hilarious, kitty was 'what the?"  Lol.  I love my pets.