help me please

[Debbiedell]

Growing up, I always thought I was the one with the problem. My mother and I never really got along, and our relationship cycled through the typical domestic abuse (from getting along great... .  her becoming more and more irritable towards me, an all out fight, her silent treatment, then we're getting along great again). As a child, her moods were very frightening at times and I was always on alert. I was her parent emotionally growing up, so I've always felt "older" for my age. My dad always told me there was something wrong with her, but told me I had to love her because she is my mother, despite what she does. He worked two jobs and was never really there. During her silent treatments towards me, she wouldn't cook, clean or do anything really. Just lie on the couch, silent. My dad would BEG me to apologize to her, even though I didn't do anything. He would say, I know it's not your fault, but could you just please be the bigger person and apologize so this can end? Excuse me, what? Even though I knew this was totally unfair, I apologized because where the hell else was I going to go? I was a kid. Alot more stuff happened, but this is pretty much the jist of it. She uses guilt, money, anything she can to control me. She got alot worse when I started to get serious with my boyfriend at the time (my husband now). She was really possessive of me and did anything she could to push him away, to make me believe he was a bad person. I went to meet his family when I was about 18. I was shocked to see how normal they were; shocked to the point of being disgusted when I came back "home". I was showing my mother pictures of the trip, some that included my boyfriends mother, and she just made rude, sarcastic remarks about a woman she doesn't even know. So, disgusted I left to never return. I stopped talking to my parents, siblings, extended family for an extended amount of time. I was in therapy when I made the decision. The therapist basically said you either set limits on her or you stop talking to her. I felt at the time I couldn't set limits, so I cut her off. Years went by, with her trying to contact me desperately in the beginning stages, to every once in a while. I heard from her cousin that my dad had cancer, and then gave him a call impulsively after many years. Then, I called my siblings and mother. She hasn't changed a bit, still "jabbing" at me after all this time. She said she forgives me for all I've put her through, but it's in the past. I have no idea what to do now because if I don't call her almost every day, she leaves me guilt messages on my phone and facebook. We live a few hours away and she's already talking about my family staying at her house. I have no desire to have a relationship with her; just to be civil because I want a relationship with my dad and my siblings. I feel like I am emotionally ready to be able to talk with her, but I'm not sure how to go about setting limits. How do I "handle" her?

[slimmiller]

Oh my, after all these years and she still does it? So sorry to hear that. I can not imagine going through it with a parent. Sounds like your father did what he had to to survive so to speak. Probably became somewhat passive as I know I would.

That being said, I am reading "the borderline Mother" I have three precious children with a women that is textbook BPD (undiagnosed, she refuses counseling saying it dont help her and she is going to school to be a counselor ) I am trying to understand what she is doing/has done to the children emotionally etc. I would think reading your story and reading that book, it could be very helpful to you. Its a little expensive but maybe get it from a library if you are reluctant to spent the money on it. I am glad I did.

Sorry to hear about your father :'(

Blessings

[sad but wiser]

Okay, so you are not alone.  We all have some variation of this same problem.  You are not broken, just doing what you have to to survivie.  BPD people project, so all the nasty things she says you do are probably the things she is doing to you and others.  Does your dad have his own cell phone?  How about your siblings?  I would suggest very limited contact with your mom.  The behaviors are hardwired into her personality and very difficult to change.  Since it is your mom, she has influence over your feelings about yourself, whether you want her to or not. (That's kind of hardwired in too.) Keep reading the boards, it helps.

[Suzn]

Hello Debbiedell   

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this with your mother.    We all get what you've been dealing with here. You've come to the right place for support and to learn more about BPD and setting boundaries for yourself. Here's a link full of information to get you started BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

With this there are communication skills you can use that will be helpful when you are in contact with your mother, they take some practice however can be successful. Here is an example of one of those skills: Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

I'm glad you've found us. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. Keep posting, it helps.

[salvia]

Growing up, I always thought I was the one with the problem. My mother and I never really got along, and our relationship cycled through the typical domestic abuse (from getting along great... .  her becoming more and more irritable towards me, an all out fight, her silent treatment, then we're getting along great again).

As a child, her moods were very frightening at times and I was always on alert. I was her parent emotionally growing up, so I've always felt "older" for my age.

My dad always told me there was something wrong with her, but told me I had to love her because she is my mother, despite what she does.

My dad would BEG me to apologize to her, even though I didn't do anything. He would say, I know it's not your fault, but could you just please be the bigger person and apologize so this can end? Excuse me, what?

She uses guilt, money, anything she can to control me. She got alot worse when I started to get serious with my boyfriend at the time (my husband now).

She was really possessive of me and did anything she could to push him away, to make me believe he was a bad person.

I have no desire to have a relationship with her; just to be civil . . .

Reading your post made me think of my own experience, growing up with a mother who I now know was bipolar (manic depressive) and borderline (severe emotional problems).  My mother and I never got along, either.  We also cycled back and forth between getting along and fighting.  I guess it would be more accurate to say that when I was younger we cycled between getting along, and me doing some random thing to make her mad at me, which resulted in her setting me down across the table from her so she could go to great lengths to tell me how "ugly" I was (for having expressed an emotion in reaction to her behavior).  Once she finished telling me how ugly and ungrateful (and whatever else) I was, she would go away (or ignore me) until my dad got home from work.  Once dad got home, she would report my "ugliness" to him, then we would all three sit down at the table, and I would apologize to my mother.  As I got older, I guess the only thing that changed was that we would have screaming fights before we got to the point when she sat me down across the table from her, and she would read me a letter or notes she had written (many, many pages) about how ugly and ungrateful I was, rather than just tell me off the top of her head, so to speak.

Unlike you, I grew up sensing - knowing - there was something wrong with her.  It wasn't until I spent 14 years in a dysfunctional marriage with someone whose family enabled his unhealthy behavior, that I began to twist my internal message to, "There must be something wrong with me."

My dad never told me there was something wrong with her (even though he knew-she was diagnosed), and he never told me it wasn't my fault.  But, he would let me have some time to tell my side of the story to him, I guess.  He would listen to me a little bit.  And when I would tell him tearfully how much I hated her, he would say, "No, you don't hate her, or you wouldn't be upset by the things she does/says."  Like you, I always had to apologize to her to "end" the event.

I think I was always on alert, too. 

Others always described me as "very mature" for my age, and after a certain age, I always had older (sometimes much older) friends.

I can't remember a single teacher whom my mother didn't meet with, more than just casually at a conference, to discuss me when I was in elementary school.  I can't recall a single time when I had a friend (once I was a little older) who my mother didn't contact as soon as she and I would have a fight.  Whomever I had (friend), outside of the home, to turn to, or to talk to, was the first person my mother would contact (or contact their parent, when we were younger) when she and I had a fight.

I feel a lot of pain (anger and grief) when I remember all of these things, now that I am able to see them for what they really were.  I feel sad when I think about it all, how many years and how much of my life I feel I have "lost" to her.

I believe I understand how you feel. I recently went about a year without talking to my mother (after she most recently extinguished me, I think they call it?).  I've had one in-person meeting with her since the year off, and I have to say, I did pretty well.  I did not allow myself to get sucked in.  But she sure tried!

-salvia

[XL]

Debbiedell-

I set very firm rules of my choosing when dealing with my mom. I only contact her twice a week, for 20 minutes. She's banned from my facebook page. (Honestly; I have a secret account with all my family's emails blocked. Highly recommend.) I don't share any relationship or health info with her. Absolutely do not allow yourself to stay at her house. I get guilted into this too, and it always blows up after 2 days. Pick a half way point for lunch, and blame it on your schedule or something.

I'll admit; I white-lie a lot. It's a lot easier to say you have someone's birthday party to be at, than explain why her home creeps you out & you don't want to spend the night.

I do act overly cheerful as a way to blow off confrontation. Stick to small talk, ignore the rest.

We share A LOT of concerns, only my siblings try to sabotage my boundary setting. They derail my white lies occasionally. I find it infuriating. A cheerful 2 hour public lunch where no one gets their feelings hurt is pretty much all I owe that woman, considering how toxic she's been my whole life. So watch out for that. Don't let anyone guilt you into extended stay visits. If she does blow up into a full fit, you have to do the "You're becoming verbally abusive and I'm hanging up the phone. You can call back tomorrow when you've calmed down." They HATE that, but it works.

[XL]

I also experienced the shock / resentment after visiting normal people's homes. I have a long standing bad habit of quietly assimilating into "in-laws" families.

[Debbiedell]

According to the survivors guide, I rate myself at stage 6. I'm still really pissed off. I would direct it at my mother, who deserves it, but it would not make me feel any better. She refuses to acknowledge that she did anything even close to wrong, EVER. She denies many fights that took place, many things she said and did. She denies it all, other than the fact she did everything for her kids. She is absolutely infuriating. So, since I can't channel it to her, where would a healthy place be?

[sad but wiser]

How about directing that anger at a screwed up world that allows innocent people to be hurt so badly?  Not that you should act out - just recognize that evil exists in various forms and people get hurt and then bump around hurting others.  Sometimes they steamroll others.  Character is all about how you deal with the pain.  Will you spread it around, or just do your best not to bump into others in the dark?  After you crawl toward emotional health, you may find yourself putting a hand out to other people who need that light... .  and the world gets a little better around you... .    My D17 says, "You don't get mad at a cat for being a cat." (A saying learned from Bruce Coville.)

[Clearmind]

I also felt like I was the problem. As a child it was safer to be silent and not have needs – my father took up a lot air space.

Debbiedell, throughout my healing I have begun to accept that I do love my BPD father and I also accept that he has some limitations.

Its unfortunate that our ‘non’ Borderline parent, in my case my mother, are classic enablers. My mother had no clue what was up with my father and had enormous problems setting boundaries with him when it came to us kids – so the only way around it for her – was to tell us to be quiet and not stir the pot. This has a huge impact on us as adults.

What is the hardest to over come when we set boundaries – is the uncomfortableness that comes along with it – it feels so darn risky – my body feels like its on fire. Mindfulness can help here:

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

Limits are very important. She won’t change either Debbie and you will tire waiting for it to happen.

For a Borderline, I found it best to set a limit in the moment. My talk with my father didn’t go down well because he doesn’t remember half the stuff I do. Our BPD parents Debbie see reality very differently to us.

What is a limit you wish to set with her?

[Debbiedell]

I'm not sure if what I want is realistic or not. I have not called anyone for about a month, because I'm not sure how to "handle" her. For me, it's the equivalent to trying to tame a wild bull; it feels like that anyway. I want to call my dad, but I know he'll ask me why I haven't talked to my mother. Also, she's left me multiple messages, which are intended to make me feel guilty and obligated to call. For example, at the end of the messages she's sent (everyway she can think to; call, Facebook), she mentions how my dad is lonely in the house by himself and hopes everyday I will call him. She also says she lives for me, because she loves me so much. All this just makes my skin BURN and gives me a sense of dread. I want to call him; I've enjoyed the last few conversations I've had with him even though I don't agree with some "advice" he gives me. I just don't want to reinforce her leaving me all these guilty messages by calling him either. What I REALLY want to say is that my father is a person and you do not have to speak for him; if you want to talk to me, just say that. Leave out the "extras". Leave ONE message. This is especially a source of anger for me. When I was a teenager and could drive, she would upset me the few times I was allowed to hang out with my friends. She would call me many, many, many times. Where are you? What are you doing? Who are you with? Over and over and over again, within a few minutes of each other. I broke many cell phones during that time because she made me so mad. So the whole multiple guilt ridden messages strike a large nerve for sure.

What I want is to take it REALLY slow. At this point, she's showing me the beginning of "our cycle of violence" = the adoration stage. It's really scary to me, even now that I'm grown. If she wasn't around, I'd for sure make a trip to see my dad. I'd stay with him for a few days, he'd know my daughter and my husband, and everything would be great. I would have never ex-communicated myself. But that's not the case, so I have to protect myself and my family. I'm glad there's physical distance between us. I do not want her to know my daughter; I do not trust her and feel she is poison. I don't want my daughter around her, especially since she is a girl. But, I would like my dad to meet her. That will for sure create a lot of conflict. Honestly, the only reason I want to keep talking to my mother is because it forces me to deal with the everything I currently am going through. I am suspicious of her niceness, even though being critical (overly sarcastic) and passive aggressive is her being nice. I am scared the only reason she's doing it is to place hooks into my daughter. I want to keep my daughter away from her.

[sad but wiser]

DD, your instincts are right about protecting your daughter.  Now that you know what the problem is, you are going to have to do your best not to let your mom mess her up as well.

  For me, it helps to remember that my person with BPD does not know he has BPD.  From his perspective, HE is right, I am evil and bad and I need psychological help, not him.  While a BPD person will not accept the idea that they need help, (most of the time) they don't mind hearing that YOU have problems that make it where you can't interact with them.  For instance, you can tell your mother that you are learning how to set personal boundries and that this is requiring some different ways of interacting in your life, including NOT interacting at times.  As long as you don't blame her for it, she is likely to be more accepting of it. 

   It sounds like you are still struggling to maintain family relationships?  There seems to be a lingering fear of having the truth come out, and then how will everyone react?  Keep in mind that you cannot control their reactions to the truth.  I did a lot of "image protection" for my BPDxh.  The kids and I were always walking on eggshells around him.  If you want your dad to know your daughter, how about having him come visit you? without your mom.  She's going to get angry sooner or later anyway... .  

[Debbiedell]

It’s been about 2.5 yrs since I’ve written this, and I feel I’ve come so far. I have found tons of information and resources about BPD, yet I have not come across too much information and support for those, like myself, which have had to cut ties with family due to the destruction they cause. Short background; I cut ties off with my entire family (including extended family) a little over 10 yrs ago. My mother has BPD traits (never diagnosed officially). My father knows she has issues, is Ok with it as long as he can use their children to pacify her and distract her from their marital issues. Basically, their children are the scapegoats, and he gets left alone. My siblings are either OK with it because she feeds them money in exchange for “good behavior”, or “everyone has their problems and our family is no different!”. As far as extended family, they believe the mask she puts on. She is so good at it. When I wrote this post, an extended family member sent me a letter saying my father had cancer, and I reconnected with them. I was undecided how I should handle my mother. I was trying, yet again, for the millionth time, to salvage what I could. That’s where I was at.  

I posted on to several message boards, because I was so desperately trying to connect with people who “got it”. I thought that I was over everything that happened, and did not connect my depression as well as other issues to what happened in the past. I realized how I just hit pause on the whole thing, never really processing it at all. I totally ignored it, thinking time alone would heal. Well, that plan totally failed.

The following is my own personal journey and how I am finally finding peace with it all. I needed peace for the child I used to be, so I can focus on the life in front of me, and lay to rest the past that is left behind. I hope that this will help at least one person, push someone closer to their goal. I did not fully recognize all the steps that it took to get to where I am at until I was here for a while. I am now looking back at what happened, as well as the major obstacles I faced within myself to get to this point. Here it goes!

Right before I hit the call button for my parents’ house, I had promised myself that somehow, I would give that part of my story a final conclusion because it has always felt so unfinished. While I was struggling internally with whether or not to bring my family of birth back into my life, it wreaked havoc on me. I was crying as soon as I would be alone, I was distracted, and it was all I could think about. It consumed me once again. I was able to function, barely, and would often think of driving straight into something while I was alone on the highway, frequently. I was wishing for death to ease my emotional pain. One day, I just grew plain sick and tired of feeling like this, and realized that I alone could not get out of this “funk”. I found a therapist. I read every book (again) about BPD parents, tapped into all the resources I could think of, trying to change how I dealt with my mother so I could see my father. I wanted to see him, give him a big hug, and introduce his grandchild to him.  

During one of the phone conversations I had with my father, I brought up my mother’s abusiveness and how she treated their children (myself and siblings) when he wasn’t home. There was a small part of my that till thought he did not intervene because he didn’t know how bad it was. How could he? He wasn’t home very much. He surely would have done something, anything, right? Well, turns out when I brought it up, he said it didn’t make any sense, as if he didn’t believe me or I was exaggerating. When the conversation ended, he told me he knew I’d make the right decision, which meant deal with my mother. Also, the whole cancer thing? Turns out the doctor made a mistake as far as the prognosis. At first, it was really aggressive, then it turned out to be not such a big deal! I call bull@#$ on that one. They lied to me about the prognosis (he did have cancer) to manipulate me into re-establishing contact. Wow. I never called him again.

This, needless to say, was all so devastating. For months, I went through stages trying to cling onto anyone in my family that I thought I could have some kind of relationship with; my siblings, extended family. The hope I had for establishing this kind of relationship only delayed the grief that accompanied the realization it was not going to work. I finally decided that, again, after over a year of internal debate, I was going to cut them out again, for good. This was the conclusion I was searching for. I always thought, could it be possible, after all this time, to have a positive relationship with them. Have they changed? Nope, exactly where they were over 10 yrs ago.

Here were my major obstacles:

I was so badly seeking validation from everyone when it came to the decision to disconnect the first time. It was on the forefront of my mind at all times, and almost all conversations I had led back to it. I was right to cut them off……right? I questioned my judgement, even though it makes logical sense. I always felt I made the wrong decision. I should have tried more. I could have made it work if I REALLY wanted it to. I should have just dealt with it. Cutting off parents is so taboo. Divorcing an abusive spouse seems completely logical and is even encouraged. People are seen as strange if they do not. With parents, the child is the strange one. I have told many people that I am estranged from my parents, and only a small amount of people have not looked at me funny. I have learned that I only need my approval, not everyone elses. That took a REALLY long time to figure out. It really wasn’t my fault; I was reacting to my environment and was forced to disconnect from them. It was my choice, and it was based on necessity to keep myself safe. They certainly were not looking out for my well-being. I made the best choice for me and my family.

My emotions were all over the place, when they were there. For the first few years after I disconnected, I was sad about this whole thing. Then I was angry about it. I couldn’t even talk about my mother without seeing red for even longer. It never made any sense; I was feeling sad, but no one could ever tell. I wouldn’t look “down”, or teary eyed, I would just pretend like nothing was happening. I did not feel comfortable expressing my emotions, even when I was by myself. The only emotion I could express was anger. My therapist introduced self-compassion and acceptance. It really goes a long way. Whenever I was feeling any emotion, I would tell myself it was OK to feel this way. Didn’t matter which emotion it was. When I would feel the urge to cry, a couple of tears would stream down my face, then they would stop and I would feel numb. This happened automatically. As useful and priceless as this ability was during childhood, I no longer needed it. Even when I would feel numb, after a couple of tears, I would still tell myself I was safe. Even though this one is still a work in progress, I have come so far. I feel safe enough to cry, safe enough to express my feelings.

Changing what I hoped for. Giving up hope that my mother will change, my family will change, and all will be OK was the catalyst for all of my change. If I still had hope for them to change, I would still be miserable. I tried my best, everything I could think of and then some. I tried during all of my childhood, and some of my adulthood. I refuse to invest any more of myself into salvaging relationships that hurt me. Instead of being hopeful they would change, I became hopeful that I would change. That was huge.

I was frustrated that I would mentally realize things, but would not realize the same things emotionally. In my head, I knew I made the right choice. I knew my mother was abusive, selfish, and always put herself before anyone else. I knew I had a tough childhood. I knew that I was saving myself. Yet, I still FELT the opposite. I FELT selfish, guilty, mean, etc. I felt especially that I exaggerated how bad my childhood was to justify disconnecting with them. During the height of my emotional turmoil and emotional rawness after reconnecting, I ran into a complete stranger at work. I am a nurse, and the woman’s daughter was very sick. I asked how her daughter was, and she proceeded to tell me how she wasn’t even her mother. Her birth mother kicked her out at 18/19 yrs old, and this woman took her in as her own child when the patient was an adult. This was 15 years ago and she still treats her like she does her own daughter. I was so touched by this, I looked at her and told her I would have given anything to have someone like her take me when I was a kid. I started to cry, and she hugged me for a while. She told me exactly what I needed to hear at that moment, and completely understood what I went through without me needing to explain my story. She completely “got me”. I cried like a baby. That has made a huge impact on my life. The kindness that woman showed me will stay with me forever. I realized emotionally that what happened to me deeply affected me, and is valid. My story is not exaggerated and neither is my reaction. I always compared my trauma to others, and my head would tell me that my trauma was awful. Emotionally, I felt that it wasn’t valid because other people’s stories are worse.  That all changed with the experience with this woman. My brain matched my heart.

cont. on next post... .

[Debbiedell]

I wanted to trust them. I wanted to protect myself from them while having a relationship also. I was questioning what to tell them, whether or not they would tell my mother. I was questioning their motives for wanting to re-establish a relationship with me. Then, I made a real friend. I didn’t have to question her motives all the time, or whether or not she would run to my mother with the smallest bit of information about me. I could trust her and count on her if I needed anything. I realized that the relationships I was pursuing with my family would be superficial (best case scenario), cost an extreme amount of energy as well as risk. It was not worth it to me.

I had not processed the loss of my family of birth because they were still alive. This one was really tough for me to even figure out I needed to do! Since I still had hope for them to change, I did not think of this as a loss; it was more like an extended separation. A small part of me always thought that I would reunite with them, at some point. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was listening to a song that triggered sadness about this. I told myself it is OK to feel whatever I am feeling. I put it on replay, and cried, like a baby. I thought about how I would feel if they died, and emotionally realized that it is as if they were dead, because I have no contact with them. My heart was able to catch up to my brain. I also just talked to my mother as if she was in front of me, telling her everything I wanted to tell her. I cried for the family I will never have. It was then I realized I had never truly grieved, even though I had cried plenty. Similar, but completely different for me. By holding onto hope for them to change, I would have never gotten to this point.

I hated myself. I thought I was a terrible person. I beat myself up and put myself down about everything I could find. I read “Love yourself like your life depends on it” and really liked it. I tried to be very compassionate and understanding with myself. I thought of how I would treat my daughter if she felt how I felt and used that method of thinking to fuel my self-talk. It’s working out quite well. I still continue this practice, especially if I notice negative self-talk. By meditating and just paying attention to my thoughts, I realized I bashed myself constantly. Once I was aware I was doing this, I was able to focus my thoughts in a different direction.

I was scared that when I finally figured all of this out, found my peace, something terrible was going to happen because I did not deserve to live in peace. I realized I actually am a very kind person. I am a loving wife, mother, and friend. I do good things for others because I feel like it’s the right thing to do. I have tremendous amounts of compassion for my patients, and understand that health and the amount of time we have here is not guaranteed. I deserve happiness and to feel peace. If something terrible does happen, it is not because I deserve it. Sometimes bad things just happen. I’d rather find my peace and risk losing it than never even looking for it in the first place.

I read recently that loneliness is like starvation, you don’t realize how hungry you are until you start eating. This can be applied to so much more than loneliness. I no longer feel like I need to go to therapy, but if anything changes, I am jumping back in. It was beyond words extremely helpful to me. I came in each time ready and willing to try any suggestions my therapist had. I did have to go to a few to find the right one for me, and it was worth it. Through all this, I realized that as far as issues like these are concerned, you need to reach out to other people. I was very well versed in the technical aspects of my mother’s BPD traits and dysfunctional family dynamics. I needed the experiences I had with other people to build emotional intelligence so my brain matched my heart. It didn’t matter how much I read or how much time had gone by, I needed my heart to understand what happened. That, I believe is why we need to reach out to therapists, support groups, friends, and family (functional members!). After I started seeing a therapist, I no longer felt the need to redirect every single conversation back to my childhood or issues with my birth family. I knew I had that hour each week to vent. At first, I was determined to deal with it 24/7 because I wanted to get it over with and move on. That was not the right approach. With the help of my therapist, I would allocate a certain amount of time to my issues and then would focus on my life in front of me. I sought out my previous post because I noticed a few days ago that I have been giving my life the full attention it deserves. My mind no longer goes to the past by itself, and my triggers to the past have lessened greatly. For most of my day, I enjoy being with my husband and child, focus on my life (present and future), and am happy with just being where I am at.

My husband has been unbelievably helpful. He is always there for me when I want to talk, and has hugged me while I have cried like a baby. He is fully supportive about my decision and has encouraged me to seek therapy. He is, hands down, someone I can count on no matter what life throws at me. My marriage to him has taught me how to love someone, be loved, communicate feelings and WORK THROUGH problems. Thanks to him, I know what it feels like to be truly vulnerable and completely trust someone. I am there for him no matter what. Receiving this love from someone could not be understood by reading from a book; it needs to be felt. 

Being a parent is difficult for me sometimes, yet I am so grateful for the chance to do it the right way, effectively breaking the cycle of abuse. I love the way she smiles when I tell her how awesome she is and how much I love her. The way she smiles lets me know she believes me. The way she acts around me tells me she is comfortable to be who she is, and know I will love her NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. I love my daughter so much and am trying so hard to do a good job. When I look at her, I sometimes think, “How could my mother have treated me like that? I was so small and helpless. How could my father know what she was doing and not have helped?”. That was helpful to realize because it helped put the abuse into perspective. I didn’t realize I was so small and helpless at the time. Those were thoughts that would replay in my mind. I now focus on being a loving, understanding, and compassionate parent. I focus on being present.

I really needed to write this. And yes, it is long! As it should be; it covers a large amount of time and progress. I have been wanting to write this for a while, and after reading it over, I am quite proud of myself! There is a sense of finality to my story. There will always be a sadness about it all. I now treasure the small moments of happiness that I found are sprinkled in my childhood, and focus on whatever good things about that time in my life I can find like the resilience I have. I promise I will continue to show compassion and understanding to myself for the rest of my life. I wrote this for myself and for those who have chosen to disconnect from family members who are abusive. Feel free to PM me of you would like to talk. Thank you for reading this.

[Panda39]

Wow! Thank you for sharing your story... .it's making me tear up.  You've had a hell of a journey and have come through the other side.  You have been smart, strong, couragious, and compassionate you should be proud of yourself.

I visit this site because my SO has an uBPDex and 2 daughters.  D19 is currently no contact with her mom and D14 is low contact.  Both struggle with FOG (fear obligation guilt) and anger regarding their mother.  I hope they both can get to where you are someday.

Thanks again for sharing 

Panda39

[bpchild]

Hi Debbiedell

Reading your story, I felt like I was reading about myself.  Up until the part of walking out, my situation is exactly the same.  My mother cannot stand my boyfriend, yet she cannot give any reason as to why.  She was went through many stages where she had no problem with me being with him, even though "he's not someone she would've picked."  So she let me get close to him for almost a year and then overnight she went into one of her rage modes and said that she never liked him that she just tried to tolerate him and it didn't work.  She said that if I didn't break up with him that I would forever have to live with being the reason that my family fell apart and why she was never happy again.  She has since calmed down and said that she got too angry and wants to give him a fair chance.  I know that this is just because she feels guilty and there will eventually be another rage... .I just don't know when.

This has been so emotionally exhausting.