Newlywed affair she wants divorce uBPD

[WNYIsCold]

I'm just pasting what I started in the new members forum. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hello everyone,

    Where to begin... .  I know there are probably a thousand posts on the same situation, but no one seems to take in the fact that my wife is ill and what BPD is.  She has not been diagnosed.  I've tried explaining and it just doesn't make sense to them, they just say take the logical approach and let the marriage end. First off I have been lurking and reading this board for the past 3 weeks and taking in as much as I possibly can.  I've read two of the advised books, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, and Walking on Eggshells.  I've got a really good support group of friends and family, am seeing a counselor once a week, and got medicated for depression as soon as everything blew up.  One other thing about myself, is that it appears I'm a codependent on top of it, after all the reading I'm doing.  Ok, so here is a quick summary of the past two years.  I'll try my best to keep it as short as possible.

    I met my wife two and a half years ago on an online dating site.  We went out on a couple of dates and things were amazing, one of the most beautiful, funny, emotionally connected, the whole package.  As things moved along, she was taking care of her elderly grandfather because her grandmother died the week before we actually met in person.  Things progressed at a normal pace, she was busy taking care of him and we would go out a couple times a week.  Now looking back there are a few things that stick in my head that I never really thought about until recently.  She was recently broken up from a relationship and never got any real details about the breakup, just that he was "a drunk".  In the process of the first three months she was going out whenever she could, she would get drunk, break things off because she would hook up with other randoms while out, and then text me while doing it.  I should have known right there, run like hell.  A couple weeks later after no contact we agreed to go out to dinner for a kind of break up, but nicely.  That turned into us both "realizing that we belong together".  So we continued going out for about three months 2-3 times a week or as her grandpa schedule allowed.  Eventually her grandfather passed.  And she was left with nothing to do, no job, nowhere to live etc.  She told me that she had not talked to her parents in over a year and first started talking to them at her grandmothers funeral and volunteered for the duty of taking care of him.  In other words getting back in their good graces.

    At the time I was 28 and she was 36 when we met. After dating her she had told me that she had one son from when she was young.  Her parents found out about the pregnancy when she was in labor.  She was extremely heavy and apparently no one knew about it.  After about the first week of the good dating(the three months later) she admitted to having another son from her ex husband across the country.  Again I should have run.  The only thing I knew about her breakups were about her ex husband.  He said that he threatened to cut her up and pieces and send them to her family, apparently was very abusive.  That's the only real specifics that I got.  Never any talk about any other relationships, didn't think it mattered anyways.

     Eventually she moved into my place that I just built.  It's a cabin in the woods that was supposed to be my bachelor pad.  Only 300sq ft, but that's all I needed.  As the next few months went by after meeting her family it was very apparent that there was tension, but not really talked about concerning her.  I eventually got close with her father.  He would never get into specifics, but at times would say things like WOW she's actually sticking around.  She must really like you.  I never really gave it much thought.  We lived together and she was getting unemployment and I have a decent paying job that could get us the things we needed and sometimes wanted.  She also was covered under my health insurance through my job because of a "domestic partnership"  The sex was amazing, the best I'm pretty sure I'll ever have.  The one thing that was weird was that she never wanted me to view her, because she had body issues.  I could understand that.  Another thing that was odd looking back is that she would jump right off after we were done.  There was no closeness.  That always bugged me, but I always thought it stemmed from trust issues from her ex husband.

     after about a year of living together we got married in a small ceremony at our house.  Looking back I thought that our fighting was because of the small space, she was looking for a job, and all that good jazz.  I really ignored all of the signs that it really wasn't supposed to go through.  Even when I asked her father for  her hand in marriage he asked me if I was really really sure, but again gave no reason, and again even on my wedding day.  I loved\love her so much I wouldn't have listened anyways.

    Looking back I should have looked at the bigger picture that something was wrong.  I couldn't have any female friends, I wasn't going out with mine, more by my choice than hers.  I had party problem in my early 20's and I wanted to settle down a bit.  The thing is, she could have male friends, facebook messaging was "harmless"  Whenever we fought it always got turned back to me as if I was the bad guy.  Most of the arguments were about money and her taking responsibility for herself.  She still hadn't gotten a job, her unemployment was up.  The fights were daily.  I would come home from work dreading coming home.  I couldn't talk about my day.  She would say talk about it, but when we fought always said I just btched about work.  I was stressed about money and started getting depressed.  We could never actually talk about our problems.  She would always tell me that I can not tell her how she feels, and that I don't understand.  She's right I didn't.  She would always make sure to point out and make me feel bad about myself with my friends.  They do this better so I don't want to do it with you kind of thing.  Again I just sort of ignored it.  She was in the process of getting a government job, and I was thinking ahead to the future, it was just around the corner things would get better.  I would always tell her that I love her and everything will be ok.

    Two weeks before she started this new job she went to a pistol permit education course that I was supposed to also go to.  We frankly couldn't afford it and I didn't go.  She borrowed the money for it from her sister.  Over the next week I noticed things like she was showering and putting makeup on.  Doing her own thing on the weekends to see her family.  It made sense, they were going down south for a couple months.  I did confront her though, I had a bad feeling about it, especially since she seemed happy and was putting herself together.  Two days before she started her new job she said she was going to her friends house to clean.  I didn't think anything of it.  I came home from work went to bed early and woke up in the middle of the night, she wasn't there.  I called, texted, nothing.  At work when she was missing for 24 hours I went to her parents and we were all freaking out, no one knew where she was.  As soon as I walked in the door she texted me saying she was ok and what I was up to.  Told her that I was at her parents.  She wouldn't take any calls.  Her parents asked what was up.  I said she was in jail or had an affair.  They agreed.  Turns out she had an "emotional affair" with this instructor from the pistol permit course and she spent the night at his cabin.  "Nothing happened" she said. 

    After this she went emotionally cold on me.  She wouldn't talk, she wouldn't do anything.  In her eyes it is as if I raped her or something, just pure emptiness.  I told her that we should sit down with her parents and talk things over.  I figured give her the advantage and see what was up.  She said that she didn't love me and that she never did.  I would never change into the husband that she thought I would be.  She wants a divorce.  I got us into marriage counseling that day.  She just said she didn't love me and didn't even want to try.  She said that she didn't love herself so she could never love me.  The man she had the two week affair with "filled a void for me" "we laughed and talked about non serious things"

   The first two weeks I blew up her phone, she moved out taking only her clothes that she wears regularly.  I agreed to give her $100 a week for gas and whatever.  This leaving me with like $40 for the week.  I take care of all the bills.  She said that she is not interested in any men and that she is figuring herself out, but still wants a divorce.  She said is just studying for work and can only concentrate on that.

    After that I got onto facebook and there were pictures from that very weekend with her new guy. I lost it on her, she still claimed that it was nothing and that I didn't understand.  I finally left her alone and I've been a mess ever since.

   Fast forward to today.  I haven't seen or heard from her since for half a week.  She is now reaching out to some of my friends explaining what's going on.   She says she has a psych appointment next Monday, but I don't believe her.  Two last things here.  One of my friends who is pretty good at manipulating people took it upon himself to call her.  I told him about the whole BPD thing and he got where I was going from.  Surprisingly she talked to him for an hour and a half.  In the end she said that I was like a father figure, took care of her when she needed it and was just waiting to get this job before she left me.  She never felt in love etc etc.  Now she can take care of herself (the job isn't going to pay her lifestyle.)  We have only been married for 8 months.  She hasn't worked in two years.  So to sum it up affair, started first job, and will not talk, wants a divorce. She won't move her things out (she has nowhere to put them) her sister said she could put the stuff there.  Finally I find out last night that she contacted one of my old female friends saying that they should go out and meet her friend Dan, who I found out is friends with her new guy that doesn't exist.  As far as my wife goes my friend didn't contact me and we haven't talked in months.

    I'm stunned, I love her to death, I would take a bullet for her.  I did everything I possibly could do to make her life good.  Stupid stuff like I said don't smoke dope, you're going to get drug tested.  Sure enough she was getting drug tested and had to do a detox the day before.  I know what I should do, but again I love her and she's going to spiral down a deeper hole.  Her parents aren't talking to her as far as I'm aware, but then again that could be the entire distortion campaign starting.  I would take her back if she wanted to help herself and got help and stuck to it, but she won't.  I'm going to give her three weeks and file for divorce.  I just don't know what to do if she comes back, I don't want her to(but inside, I'm a fixer and hope we could live happily ever after.).  Also I don't think she will, she really can't take anything more away from me.  She said she didn't want me to change and to stay who I am.  The one thing is, I won't trust any woman and look at things much differently.  I used to be so giving and warm.  Now I'm just angry and bitter.  I'm not really sure what I'm asking here.  I just don't know what to do next.  There are a lot of things I left out because I know this was probably too long to begin with.  Thank you for reading and any advice you could give me. 

[WNYIsCold]

One last note that I can't stop thinking about and tears me up inside.  When we sat down with her parents she was crying, honestly can say one of the first times I've ever genuinely cry.  Her dad asked her what makes her happy.  She said Disney World and being around you guys again, as in her parents.  She also told me right after that she was more worried about disappointing her parents than fessing up to me about never loving me.  That thought right there is what makes me lose it and have sleepless nights.  The affair doesn't even concern me for some reason.  I love my wife and would do anything to have a happy life with her.

[WNYIsCold]

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this with your wife.    I understand how painful this is. Breakups are hard for anyone, add in BPD and it can be devastating. I'm so glad you decided to post, you are not alone. Where do you see this marriage going WNYIsCold?

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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude

WNYIsCold

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Re: OK, where to start. Newlywed wife affair wants divorce.

« Reply #3 on: Today at 03:35:52 PM »

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As of right now, divorce.  I can't make someone love me, no matter how much I love her.  My therapist said that I'm just bashing my head against the wall on it.  When I took my marriage vows I took them seriously.  In sickness and in health.  She won't initiate contact, and gets agitated if I contact her.  After figuring out what was up when this all happened made everything so much clearer with our issues.  I also have quite a few friends that are physicians and mental health counselors, so I got pointed in the right direction in where to look.  I love my wife and want her to come back, I understand it's a life death sentence, but I guess that's the part I'm struggling.  She was so cruel in the execution of events and how bluntly she is wording things through the third parties that she is talking to.  She doesn't love me, she is working, and that's all she needs.  With that believe only half of it.  As I said before the affair is the least of my concern.  If anything it was an eye opener of everything.  I dunno, it's like I have a plan to follow through with filing, she won't even though she wants it.  But it's just the part about her lack of care she has for me.  I literally did everything for her to get her to the point she could get the job.  I did it not out of self gratification.  I love her and wanted to get her through, what I thought was just depression.   please read               |, today was a bad day.  I was so good yesterday ready to look forward and not look behind.  I live in a place just surrounded with pictures of her and our loved ones.  She won't even pack anything up.  I think she took a grand total of 2 garbage bags of cloths and belongings.     

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suzn

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Re: OK, where to start. Newlywed wife affair wants divorce.

« Reply #4 on: Today at 03:52:08 PM »

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I'm sorry today was such a bad day, I totally get it, I've been there too. It's hard. Just a suggestion for now maybe? What if you put the pictures away to help you find some peace, even if just for a little while?

I'm glad to hear you are working with a therapist and that you have some good friends for support. These relationships are frustrating with cycles of conflict followed by periods of bliss. It's common to feel like you can't go on today, and then be back in the saddle next week and doing OK. Push and pull. We have a process called "Choosing a Path" and the senior members on [L2] Undecided : Staying or Leaving will help you get out of the day to day chaos long enough to look at your options and understand how you really feel. You will also benefit if you learn the "Stop the bleeding" tools such as validation, techniques for erecting and maintaining boundaries, and using time outs when you do have contact with her.

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Re: OK, where to start. Newlywed wife affair wants divorce.

« Reply #5 on: Today at 04:20:50 PM »

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I've turned the ones around of her and I around. I've neatly packed her clothes in bins and that's about it. This is where I'm conflicted, if I pack all her things it makes her feel abandoned from what I've read concerning the condition. My friends and therapist say pack her stuff up and don't look back. The same thing in regards to contact. Not getting in touch makes her feel abandoned, or Whatever. I'm not sure my therapist understands the condition very well. I guess I just want clear answers straight from her that aren't some version of the truth. I know she doesn't understand her feelings. In the end a lot of what seems to be mentioned here is the exact opposite of what everyone is telling me to do. I guess like I said it was a different day today. Does this thread need to be moved, if so I'm not sure how to do that.

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Re: OK, where to start. Newlywed wife affair wants divorce.

« Reply #6 on: Today at 05:07:29 PM »

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Quote from: WNYIsCold on Today at 04:20:50 PM

I've turned the ones around of her and I around. I've neatly packed her clothes in bins and that's about it. This is where I'm conflicted, if I pack all her things it makes her feel abandoned from what I've read concerning the condition. My friends and therapist say pack her stuff up and don't look back. The same thing in regards to contact. Not getting in touch makes her feel abandoned, or Whatever. I'm not sure my therapist understands the condition very well. I guess I just want clear answers straight from her that aren't some version of the truth. I know she doesn't understand her feelings. In the end a lot of what seems to be mentioned here is the exact opposite of what everyone is telling me to do. I guess like I said it was a different day today. Does this thread need to be moved, if so I'm not sure how to do that.

I am sorry you are in this situation WNYisCold.

First, I know how hard it is to pack your wife's things - I, too, helped in doing that.  Right now, the only thing you can focus on is getting your balance back.

Think about a plane crash and the oxygen masks, they always say put your mask on first before you help a child.

You are doing the right things - therapy and letting her go.  Right now, the only way she changes is if she wants to.  I know you want to help her and that you love her... .  but she has to hit a place where she truly reaches out for help herself.

Kudos for reading the books and the facts.  Keep reading and as Suzn suggests, the undecided board seems like a good fit for now.

You are not alone in this.

Peace,

SB

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Re: OK, where to start. Newlywed wife affair wants divorce.

« Reply #7 on: Today at 05:26:30 PM »

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Thank you both, seriously. Besides my physician friends, this is the only place that seems to understand it's not a normal relationship and how to deal with certain steps of what's going to evolve.

Do I just start a new thread from here?

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Re: OK, where to start. Newlywed wife affair wants divorce.

« Reply #8 on: Today at 05:31:19 PM »

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Quote from: WNYIsCold on Today at 05:26:30 PM

Thank you both, seriously. Besides my physician friends, this is the only place that seems to understand it's not a normal relationship and how to deal with certain steps of what's going to evolve.

Do I just start a new thread from here?

sure - jump over to undecided.

I also urge you to read the who posts, the lessons and such - there is a wealth of info for you to absorb.

be kind to yourself right now.

[WNYIsCold]

I guess my question after thinking about it is. Even though I am in this as a marriage, sickness and in health. In her mind is this just ultimately a live in relationship that happened to result in getting married. Don't worry about it you'll pay for the divorce. So damn frustrating.

[lockedout]

My marriage lasted 4 1/2 years but I had a lot of the same patterns. She had been divorced for only a few months when we met - separated for quite a few before that. She only said bad things about the ex - called him "f**kface". No kids from that marriage at least. The courtship was great even though there were warning signs. I couldn't go out with friends. She wouldn't directly forbid me, but if I did, she would come up with something to be upset at me over or I would simply get the passive-aggressive. I eventually just stopped trying. The marriage was on the decline right from the start. She layed into me about how uncaring I was and how I wasn't living up to her expectations as a husband. things got more stressful once we had our son and she always made sure I know how much she was doing and how little I did. We almost never went out - when we did, she would constantly complain that I didn't talk to her enough - she would immediately let me know how annoyed she was and I was supposed to see that and somehow make pleasant conversation. She eventually would distract herself by burying her nose in her phone and text people. She basically said that I didn't give her the attention she needed, she would find other people to do it.

The last year was pure hell. No intimacy. She constantly complained. I sunk to levels of depression and despair that I never knew existed; blaming myself for all of our problems. She would need "alone time" during the week which entailed going out nicely dressed and not getting back until the wee hours of the next morning. She needed time away because it was too stressful being in the house with me. That means that keeping her face glued to her phone on the couch all night or going to bed and reading (or just going to bed) while complaining that I didn't talk to her or show affection while I took care of our son was just too stressful. I'm not sure what places around here are open until 2 on a weekday. She had stopped wearing her wedding ring last February. There was one "friend" of ours that would come over a lot while I was at work. I'd see him frequently up until I made my suspicions known when she went back on birth control. Haven't seen him since. In November, I stumbled across and e-mail written by some guy to a dummy e-mail account that I found. The reason I found it was because I was tracing back where she was going into online forums (not this one) and "slandering" her. The e-mail from this guy basically said "I had a really good time last night - I was afraid your roommate might walk in on us. Once you file for the divorce it won't matter what he thinks and we can be open about it. You're who I want". . Of course when I confronted her the S**t hit the fan because I had invaded her privacy.

the one that takes the cake was the last time I was at my house ; amost 2 months ago. She changed the locks on the house after a fight a few nights before. I had gone to the house to drop off our son - she didn't mention it was supposed to be someplace else. When I had talked to her and put our crying son (couldn't understand why I couldn't let him in so he could go to bed), a Mustang rolled down the street. Then up the driveway, then into the garage after the driver opened it with his opener. I got my son strapped in and to shorten the story a little all I'll say is that my state of total shock and disbelief is the only thing that saved his life. She said that he was "just some guy from work that was doing her a favor by going over there because she was afraid of me" and that he was "married with two kids and a Christian". I hope I don't have to explain the ten things that are wrong with the situation or her statements.

But anyway, that was the final straw for me. I was in some serious depression, bitterness and anger. I though the world was ending when I knew that there was no way around moving out and it was time to accept it. In the nearly two months I've been out of the house I've reconnected with friends who probably though I wrote them off. I've made lots of new ones. i'm in better shape than I've been most of my life. People who saw me right after I separated and again weeks later said they can tell that I'm doing better as soon as I walk in the room. My finances could be in better shape but I wouldn't have it any other way. All I can say about your hurt is that it will pass. The love you feel is not for her. It's for the life you imagined you would have with her before her true colors came out. I'm excited to build. I have dated one girl but I am not ready to jump into a relationship. My freedom is too valuable for me to give up right now. I don't want to be involved. Things would just happen naturally and hopefully when I am building a good life for myself. You're still young and you will learn from this and meet someone much better.

[Clearmind]

I guess my question after thinking about it is. Even though I am in this as a marriage, sickness and in health. In her mind is this just ultimately a live in relationship that happened to result in getting married. Don't worry about it you'll pay for the divorce. So damn frustrating.

Borderlines do love however it may not be the type of love you are looking for - it has limitations. As quickly as they fall in love they can fall out of love just as quickly.

What are you getting from this union WNY? Have you thought about you and your future?

[WNYIsCold]

lockedout you hit a lot of things home right there.  Especially about the just sitting on her phone and reading.  I couldn't imagine the situation that you are in regards to your son.  That's one part of it that I don't have.  I truly wonder why she never took responsibility for her 2 sons.  She has tried with the one locally to make up for lost time, makes promises that she can't keep with him.  Is possible that in your case she could be like mine where the father doesn't have to worry about the drama and chaos and you get the gift of your son in the end with no strings attached?  Just a thought coming from my wife's ex's.  It's funny it's almost like I would like to search some her ex's down and see how it all ended with them; of course I wouldn't, but a thought.

clearmind, this is the part I'm having the hardest with.  She straight up told me she never loved me and never will.  I love her unconditionally.  The two sides just don't mix well.  Looking back on the past two years, I really didn't get much in the form of intimacy.  Again I just thought it was depression and the lack of trust.  I always had dinner on the table when I came home, she melded well with my friends.  She however had very few friends.  I'm just now starting to think about my future, I think I have a handle on it, I'm very unprepared for her to wanting to come back though.  The back story on that is that her new job's training is for 5 weeks by where she is apparently staying.  After that 5 weeks she is going to be working 4 miles from home and can't transfer for 90 days.  I'm really scared of that day.  Again, even though I never gotten the intimacy I needed I got the mirage of like lockedout said the life I imagined.  I have the best intentions of filing for divorce on the 18th.  It's all about the lies, like she says that she isn't seeing anyone is just concentrating on herself, but it's a blatant lie, as I said before she wants to double date with one of my old female friends.  I know I'm going in circles now.  I don't understand and probably never will, the amount of love, support, and respect I gave her... .  means nothing.  Like I said, she looks at me as though I raped her.  That's where I'm mentally struggling with my current support group not understanding.  Thank you again both of you.