I did it again: Insanity

[sjgood]

She called me out of the blue using a Private Number in place of her name or phone number on the caller ID. And it started up again.  The no win, insane conversations, where no matter what, I am made wrong. There is  no winning no matter what and it is exhausting and I wonder what I expect or keep hoping for - there is no more fun or humor. It is just exhausting, gotcha conversations. So after almost three weeks of no contact, I am starting over. When will I accept that I cannot fix this relationship no matter how much I want or try to. Each attempt to fix us so that we might have some of the fun that we did at one time is just another waste of time and energy. She digs up awful things from the past and uses them in punishing ways all over again. She must really be hurting from or about something having little to do with me.The more she tries to make me feel bad is an indication, I understand, of how bad she must be feeling. I am sorry I cannot help her to feel better. I did try, again. But I have been learning to help myslef feel better, thank goodness.

[truefaith]

Thank you for your post. I really needed to read that tonight! I have not see my BPD X in 24 days.  My emotions go from one of relief to anger, fear and saddness.  I have been very careful in being in contact with him and what I say to him. I had thought that complete NC could be some what of a dangerous situation for me, so I only answer his texts with just a few words... Tonight he sent me a long very emotional text. In the end he said that he was so sad to know I wasnt the woman he fell in love with 4 years ago.  Well... .  I responded briefly and told him I knew this was very difficult for both of us, but we were being kinder to one another by allowing ourselves the chance to move on.  OMG... .  that wasn't good! I feel if I don't respond he could possibly cause some serious problems for me at work or at home with my children. So, I respond to help keep him calm and it back fires every time!   His emotions swing so drastically... .  just enough to pull me in and then gets very angry and mean in his texts. He actually tells me that I am the one that manipulates and lies, and is so self absorbed.This is not me at all... .  this is him... .  he has done these things to me.

It  is very sad to know that the things he says about me, he has to say in order to make himself feel better, because he is the one behaving this way.

Not sure how to handle this one... .  scared to cut him off totally because he has threatened suicide a couple of times and because of my situation at home.

No matter what... .  I seem to fall for this and it scares me and drives me crazy all over again:-(  And through this all when things calm down I still love him, but just know I cannot be with him.