Misogynistic male BPD's

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm only 20 days out of my home/marriage (separated in house for 4 months prior to leaving), so I am still working through my understanding of BPD in general and my husband's behavior in particular (yep, still partially in the fog though I know I made right choice getting out).  I do realize I am to be working on my self, and though I am in weekly therapy, I am mainly treading water -- trying to survive day to go, keeping it together at my demanding job, living in a room in my parents' house (good times), and just barely getting by.

I think my real "work" on self will come in a couple of months when the house is on the market, papers are served, and the dust has settled on all that's transpired.

In the meantime, I would love to open a discussion of others' experience with misogynism in BPD males.  My husband considers his mother to be NPD - he always felt everything was and is about her, and he has frequently voiced this to me over the years.  However, he will never do anything to cross his mother or to put boundaries in place (well, he did shorten his visits with her, but that's it).  Ironically, she is now his main source of support (daily calls, etc.).  I think it's quite twisted and I've only shared tip of the ice berg.

I know he has a love/hate feeling with her - he's maligned her to me many times and has even said he hates her, yet she is his mother.  He cow tows to her.  If she wants to be treated to a 200.00 birthday dinner, he obliges. 

It took a long time for misogynism to come out in our marriage- when it did, it took hold and never left.  Every single conflict began to have vitriolic comments about how all women are this way or controlling, or women live to control men, etc. etc.  He hates our female bosses and co-workers (most) at work.  He feels female colleagues get special treatment.  He told me more than once he didn't want to have kids because than I would be 100% focused on the kid, and he would be shriveled up in the corner, ignored.  What a sad perspective!  Needless to say, we have no kids.

He loves women (sex, beauty, being "womanly" yet he hates them and sees them as controlling.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with how this evolved with us and with the fact that my husband at core hated who I was (a woman!).

It's a twisted thing.  Does anyone have any insights or ideas for me to ponder.  If he hates his mother so much, why does he have so much contact with her?  Was all his hate for her projected on me?  Did I become his mommy and then he split me black? 

[atcrossroads]

I'm only 20 days out of my home/marriage (separated in house for 4 months prior to leaving), so I am still working through my understanding of BPD in general and my husband's behavior in particular (yep, still partially in the fog though I know I made right choice getting out).  I do realize I am to be working on my self, and though I am in weekly therapy, I am mainly treading water -- trying to survive day to go, keeping it together at my demanding job, living in a room in my parents' house (good times), and just barely getting by.

I think my real "work" on self will come in a couple of months when the house is on the market, papers are served, and the dust has settled on all that's transpired.

In the meantime, I would love to open a discussion of others' experience with misogynism in BPD males.  My husband considers his mother to be NPD - he always felt everything was and is about her, and he has frequently voiced this to me over the years.  However, he will never do anything to cross his mother or to put boundaries in place (well, he did shorten his visits with her, but that's it).  Ironically, she is now his main source of support (daily calls, etc.).  I think it's quite twisted and I've only shared tip of the ice berg.

I know he has a love/hate feeling with her - he's maligned her to me many times and has even said he hates her, yet she is his mother.  He cow tows to her.  If she wants to be treated to a 200.00 birthday dinner, he obliges. 

It took a long time for misogynism to come out in our marriage- when it did, it took hold and never left.  Every single conflict began to have vitriolic comments about how all women are this way or controlling, or women live to control men, etc. etc.  He hates our female bosses and co-workers (most) at work.  He feels female colleagues get special treatment.  He told me more than once he didn't want to have kids because than I would be 100% focused on the kid, and he would be shriveled up in the corner, ignored.  What a sad perspective!  Needless to say, we have no kids.

He loves women (sex, beauty, being "womanly" yet he hates them and sees them as controlling.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with how this evolved with us and with the fact that my husband at core hated who I was (a woman!).

It's a twisted thing.  Does anyone have any insights or ideas for me to ponder.  If he hates his mother so much, why does he have so much contact with her?  Was all his hate for her projected on me?  Did I become his mommy and then he split me black? 

[gina louise]

atcrossroads,

My HUSBAND is the same and has a madonna/whore complex-refused to see women as persons on their own right.  

He needs them, loves them and is attracted... .  yet despises them for it.(and views them as destructive and controlling)

His mom was very passive and easily abused by their dad-he adored her but hated her for putting up w/ the abuse and not protecting them as kids. I believe he really blamed her.

I was sort of a tomboyish female not too girly, stubborn and opinionated. But he admired the ultra feminine super model types and lusted after them! I was confused by that.

He chose to marry me even though I didn't fit his "profile" and his stbxBPDhW was also the tomboyish type rode and trained horses, and loved outdoor living. Strong willed and independent.

I think he felt safer with a "    -buddy" and not a supermodel?   "?"

He also used porn to self soothe-could avoid sex to "punish" me... .  not very nice.

He worried about his, um, endowment- or lack thereof and he talked about it with me! I was always reassuring, he was normal.

I wondered if he was a closet homosexual or had those deep rooted fears. He seemed very self centered about sex.

GL

[almost789]

This is very interesting Atcrossroads. Ive analyzed this issue with my BPDs relatiinship with his mother. He didnt tell me much, but from what he did tell me he seemed unusually close to his mother and at the same time I got a sense he hated her as well. He did seem to like being bossed a bit or controlled but at the same time hated it too... .  I remeber him saying people often thought him and his mother were a couple when out in public... .  hmmm... .  

[almost789]

Mine seemed in the begining to be attracted by the take control attitude and acted like a little boy in a way. Then as we got closer, he switched to this. "I'm the man" attitude. "I am in control" not you. I never got the impression he 'hated" women. He was the "cassanova" type and prefered to be surrounded by admiring women. But, had an irrational fear of being controlled. Just from what he told me, I think his father was an emotionally distant narcissist and his mom and emotionally starved, controlling mother who got way too close to her son. But they were upstanding Christian people heavily involved in church. He on the other hand became an athiest.

[ThrownAway]

My uBPDex was the same, she's a woman and didn't like men.  She has the same love/hate relationship with her NPD dad.  She was also sexually abused as a child and I'm assuming it was a man, never found out who it was.  I always knew she was a pretty big feminist, but after awhile I noticed that she seemed to like any woman on tv and disliked every man.  Often times her reasons for disliking someone made no sense... .  almost like she was programmed to feel that way regardless of the facts.  This is likely why she painted me black in the end, and saw me as an abuser just like her dad and sexual abuser.  Very sad.

[Rose Tiger]

I'm not real proud to say that I had my moments of "I'm right.  You're wrong.  End of story."  I'm remembering this thinking about ex's mom.  Were there things about her that were similiar to me?  I remember telling ex that I lived in my neighborhood because the school district is better.  He said, that is not so, this school district isn't better.  And I treated him like an imbecile.  I know now, let folks have their opinions, sheesh.  I need to watch that tendency in me. 

Here's my JADE, this town has a transient military population, they always vote no on raising taxes for schools since they don't want to pay more when they will be leaving soon.  So long time residents got together and created a school district on the north side of town.  School taxes are higher and the schools are rated top notch in the nation.  I knew all this because my mom was a realtor and I learned by osmosis, being on peripheral of her phone convo's.  So ex challenging me on the superiority of school districts, I looked at him like he was stupid.  Ugh, wish I could take that moment back.  Maybe at that point in time, I was exactly like his mother.  Yuck!

[GreenMango]

Maybe at that point in time, I was exactly like his mother.  Yuck!

I've heard we marry people who represent the parent we have the most issues with.  Maybe this cuts both ways.

[Weird Fishes]

Coworker/ex of bf was a very misogynistic woman, because she was so ragingly jealous... .  she clung to any belief that a)devalued other women or b)set her up for being provided for. 

Subjects like this are really interesting to me.  Both pwPD and "nons" fall into bigoted ways of thinking... .  if we can easily identify the unhealthy behaviors that led to the pwPD devaluing a group of people, we can identify the same thinking patterns in "nons" that are less obvious but also lead us to devalue other groups of people (not just the mentally ill). 

"Misogynistic male "non"s"... .  a new thread I've not had the cojones to start   

[mamachelle]

Hi atcrossroads

Interesting thread.

I have an exBPDH. He is from Mexico and he always portrayed himself as being not like the other macho guys at first. We married when he was about 22. As he got older and his illness got worse, his misogyny came out. I think in the beginning he was mirroring my middle class feminism and slowly as he wanted more control of things he would use the misogyny to try to dictate or control situations.

It became very apparent with our 2 DD now 13 and 16 as they were nearing puberty. He would make these completely misogynistic comments about our girls. About how they should dress. He got upset with my DD who was more of a jock and little rounder saying she should dress more girly. He would say my DD could not date until they were out of college. In fact, it was these comments which really worried me more than anything for some reason when I looked at a possible future with him. It was so against my beliefs about women and men in general, it seemed like a complete reversal from when I had met him and how he had portrayed himself.

At any rate, his Mom was also very controlling and probably uBPD and both parents were abusive though kinder and gentler as they aged.

Sometimes it is hard to distinguish the cultural versus the illness.

I think with a pwBPD they are desperately trying to explain their world inside their own disordered minds.

Misogyny is easy since it discounts half the population with one fell swoop.

[GreenMango]

You don't have to be BPD to not like women.

When someone has an attachment disorder rooted with a parent they can pick people over and over again as mates to address it. 

This isn't personal ... .  It's a confused person reaching out to fix emotional problems in the wrong places.