Less than a week to go - Divorce :'(

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Having a torrid time keeping my emotions under check. In less than a week, my uBPD wife and I will be divorced. It's been 3 months since I initiated the divorce proceedings, and have been consumed by guilt for taking this first step. I used to be a firm believer that marriages are made in heaven, and are for life. But after 2 recycles in 2 years, I've had enough and opted to get off the crazy-making roller coaster.

Ever since the divorce proceedings, I have found out that my uBPD wife (who doesn't stay with me anymore) has been in 2 relationships. This has hurt me - and has me questioning whether its "normal" for people to move onto other relationships without their current one ending. I am still going through the grieving process, and it just baffles me that she has picked herself up and is marketing herself to potential prospectives. Yes, I am painted black.

I have kept minimal contact with her - our conversations normally only revolve around the divorce proceedings. Once every 2 weeks, she would ring me and try to pick an argument with me, hoping that I will be drawn into an emotional confrontation - but I control myself.

I understand how lonely it gets, and the need for companionship plays on our minds. I cant stop myself and feel guilty and terrible, that she is out there, going in and out of relationships - all in the guise of love.

If only I could tell her to love herself, and stop depending on others to feed her ego and give her attention - I know most people she is surrounding herself with are only there for her body. She doesn't realise she is being taken advantage of. I sincerely want her to be happy. I have written a couple of heartfelt letters, but don't have the courage to send them to her - for fear of being recycled again.

With less than a week to go for the divorce, I am just hoping I dont turn into mush... .  :'(

[Omniverse]

Having a torrid time keeping my emotions under check. In less than a week, my uBPD wife and I will be divorced. It's been 3 months since I initiated the divorce proceedings, and have been consumed by guilt for taking this first step. I used to be a firm believer that marriages are made in heaven, and are for life. But after 2 recycles in 2 years, I've had enough and opted to get off the crazy-making roller coaster.

Ever since the divorce proceedings, I have found out that my uBPD wife (who doesn't stay with me anymore) has been in 2 relationships. This has hurt me - and has me questioning whether its "normal" for people to move onto other relationships without their current one ending. I am still going through the grieving process, and it just baffles me that she has picked herself up and is marketing herself to potential prospectives. Yes, I am painted black.

I have kept minimal contact with her - our conversations normally only revolve around the divorce proceedings. Once every 2 weeks, she would ring me and try to pick an argument with me, hoping that I will be drawn into an emotional confrontation - but I control myself.

I understand how lonely it gets, and the need for companionship plays on our minds. I cant stop myself and feel guilty and terrible, that she is out there, going in and out of relationships - all in the guise of love.

If only I could tell her to love herself, and stop depending on others to feed her ego and give her attention - I know most people she is surrounding herself with are only there for her body. She doesn't realise she is being taken advantage of. I sincerely want her to be happy. I have written a couple of heartfelt letters, but don't have the courage to send them to her - for fear of being recycled again.

With less than a week to go for the divorce, I am just hoping I dont turn into mush... .  :'(

[WT]

Hi Omniverse, by initiating the divorce, you were much stronger than probably most of the rest of us in this forum.  As for whether it's "normal" for people to move on so quickly, the answer seems to be yes for pwBPD.  Despite telling me how much she loved me just days prior to breaking up with me, my ex-gf left me for another guy and told me that she hadn't been in love with me for a long time, so it really does seem like they can just flip a switch and completely detach in an instant.  I'm 95% of the way to not taking it personally since I know she has BPD (undiagnosed), but being a normal person, it obviously still hurts me, and while I'm taking time to grieve the loss of a relationship to someone that I once thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with, she already told me that her relationship with my replacement is "serious" (it's been a month... .  ).  Although I know that you've already made the decision to get off the roller coaster, I hope that you'll appreciate what a good decision you made much faster.

[Omniverse]

Hi WT, I recollect telling myself that if two people are unhappy in a relationship, then its better to set yourself and your spouse free. This was one of the most painful realization - I had enough of the gas lighting, lack of trust and attempts to push my already weakening boundaries. There was a quote by a fellow member on this board - it went like "No point having strong values, if you have weak boundaries". That in a way opened my eyes as well and made me realize that I was equally to blame in this unhealthy BPD roller-coaster.

There are moments of strength, where I know what I am doing is painful but right for the long term. But its an uphill task coming face to face with the void that has been left behind.

Prior to getting into a relationship with my uBPD wife, I distinctly remember I could never tolerate lies. But sadly, the more I got to know her the more I realized I was lied at - be it trivial lies (such as doing online shopping, but insisting the purchases were gifts from her friends) to others of varying intensities (keeping her exbfs on her FB profiling without my knowledge, purchasing a house without my knowledge, etc).

Shuttling between moments of self doubt and longingness of the good times we shared - I just pray that I have taken the right step. The future though scary (its an unknown quantity now) - at least I am grateful that for now there is peace, and no more arguments/episodes of rage.

I hope WT, that you find strength amidst this ordeal and come out stronger as well.

[clairedair]

Dear Omni

I read a post here recently where someone had told ex "I made you a priority and you made me an option".  That has come back to me again and again and been helpful.

I too was part of a damaging recycling dynamic and my ex moved on very quickly and intensely more than once.  I remember after one split asking if he would try not to get into a relationship instantly because I felt that we needed time to really separate and grieve a long-term marriage.  I feel that I was not really able to grieve properly because I was so caught up in the latest drama (can't go NC with kids) and then he'd be back and the grief process would turn into a honeymoon!

I have asked ex to take time to have a relationship with himself - I agree with you that it seems as if our partners need the validation from someone else (when we've 'failed' in their eyes to provide it).  It's really hard not to take it personally - that feeling that you can be instantly 'replaced' but that's the only thing I can work on and coming here helps me realise that this is a common feature of our relationships.

I can't make him take time to learn to love himself/grieve our relationship (though he has said more than once that he needs to do this - sometimes that's part of his reasoning for leaving) - I can only look after myself and work harder at strengthening my boundaries.

take care

[slimmiller]

Omniverse,

I know exactly how you feel with the doubt about the divorce. I too questioned it at first but after she refused to get her act together and try and work on 'us' I decided as long as she is sleeping with him, from a Christian perspective or even just plain moral perspective, I had little choice. While Iam not a fan of divorce sometimes, as in these cases, it is the right thing to do.

Hang in there, it gets better. It will take time but will be worth it to have yourself back

[Omniverse]

I made you a priority and you made me an option.

This rings so true in my case. I must have spent nights wondering whether I was merely an option - all this in response to the innumerous arguments and fights we've had. Her inner turmoil that unfortunately couldnt be contained and absorbed me like a star going super-nova.

I am slowly trying to wrestle some semblance of my old self back - the scars will remain, but I reckon it's part of our journey.

Clairedair and slimmiller - here's sending positive vibes your way. God bless, and may you guys strengthen as each day goes by.

P.s: I was driving home and I happened to listen to this track from Pink "Give me a reason". Am certain some of us, if not most will identify with this track.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpQFFLBMEPI

[clairedair]

I'm a big Pink fan - the one I keep hearing on radio just now and noticing is 'Blow me one last kiss'

"White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight

Clench of jaw, I've got another headache again tonight

Eyes on fire, eyes on fire, and the burn from all the tears

I've been crying, I've been crying, I've been dying over you

Tie a knot in the rope, trying to hold, trying to hold,

But there's nothing to grab so I let go"

I think part of my problem has been hanging on when I should have wised up to the fact that there was nothing to hold on to and let go.  Sounds like you have been able to realise this - doesn't make it any less devastating but will probably save more years of pain.

I've been told so often that I didn't make him a priority but I feel like I really did do this over the last few years (at the expense of my children and extended family) and things got worse, not better.  Plus I still got the brush off with a reminder that life with me was unfulfilling... .  

It's probably a no-win like so much else.  You said you feel guilty for initiating divorce;  I feel angry and ashamed that I didn't.  I think I might have had more respect for myself and from others. 

take care,

Claire