Struggling extra w/ the bad economy

[XL]

Anyone else struggling extra with their upbringing and the economy?

I've ended up with a sibling after a housing disaster and several layoffs. I am paying some rent and doing chores. But I am terrified of ever ending up back at my BPD mom's house.

- I never really learned money management skills, even when the economy was better. My mom never wanted me to leave her, my dad ran off, and no one taught me how to manage my loans or finances.

- I blew my small retirement savings on therapy.

- I had poor workplace skills in early adulthood because I had a knee-jerk reaction to authority. I always had a job as a teen, but I was always getting in fights or getting fired. My resume is extra patchy.

- I project a very guarded, dark attitude and I think I don't do well in interviews. Even when I dress up and act nice I'm severe with "walls up." I've also been told I don't mirror facial expressions correctly. I also have a mumbling impediment, probably because I was always trying not to be heard/raged at as a kid.

The rest is just layoffs and bad luck. As an adult, I know setting boundaries means not asking favors or taking money, but things are so bad I do go crawling back to my parents for things like car repairs, eyeglasses, etc. I'd have a lot more leverage if I were financially independent. At Christmas my mom was yelling at me and calling me a horrible daughter while writing me an unasked for check at the same time. I hate myself for taking the check. I needed the money so badly for dental work, and I knew she wasn't going to apologize.

She's jealous that my dad helped me with my bills when my unemployment ran out. She also threw a tantrum and lost her job, and isn't looking. I've been passed over for what seems like hundreds now. I'm embarrassed to be so dependent on my dad and siblings, and angry I can't just drive off into the sunset to get away from her. She also brought up in a total rage attack that she's paying a student loan I thought was in my dad's name, and refuses to legally sign it over to me. So she has that to lord over me whenever she wants. I also can't set good boundaries because my sibling-roommate will take calls and put me on the phone, let her know I'm home, etc.

I just want the economy to turn around. It's making everything more stressful.

[Clearmind]

I am sorry to hear you are stressed about money XL.

You have insight into the areas to work on.

Are you able to have a trusted friend, advisor help you with a budget? Begin by writing down all your expenses and income – unless we know what is coming in and what is going out we cannot balance our money.

How did therapy help you heal from having a BPD parent? It took me sometime to wade through the contradictions from my childhood – as it probably has for many of us here.

Can you explain what you mean when you say that setting boundaries is not asking for favors or taking money?

[XL]

Thanks for your response. I have no income coming in. I've literally been rejected (or just didn't hear back) for about 400 jobs since I got laid off, and bombed 3 interviews with no feedback as to why they chose another candidate. My unemployment money ran out after a year and a half.

I'm reliant on an older sibling for housing, and my dad for a small amount of money for bills. This has set up a situation where my mom can give/overgive/withhold money after she's had BPD fits. Yelling at me, then sending apology checks. Overgifting at holidays, then demanding excessive favors. Demanding I apply to jobs of her selection that aren't reasonable for my transportation, while she's not even looking. Stuff like that.

I feel like a mooch and loser, and also feel like I'm being manipulated a bit. The sibling has more of an enabling view towards everyone (girlfriends, exes, my mom, me included, though I try to pay as much rent as I'm able). Living with a sibling means my limited contact boundaries with my mom get stepped on a lot.

[Clearmind]

Sorry to hear you feel like a mooch! Not fun! There are sometimes services to help folks with job seeking – whether it be help with interviews, resumes, presentation, attitude etc. No doubt there is something in your area.

[XL]

Yeah. A lot of it is bad luck. Even my 'healthy happy friends' have struggled lately. I'm trying not to get down about it, but circumstances are driving me back towards the people I need distance from.

This week I've been irked by "life management abuse" I guess. There were a lot of bad behaviors in my household that undermined my success as an adult (hoarding, compulsive shopping, venomous jealously over my own jobs & savings accounts instead of education on how to invest and manage money.) My mom blew our college funds on hoarding, then told us we weren't allowed to go to school because she didn't. She also told me getting my first job was going to make her miss time with our "obviously" dying grandmother (who wasn't even ill, and lived another 12 years).  

There's also "passive aggressive overgifting" at all holidays, which usually ends in a screaming fit. Things like kid's toys, clothes that are 6 sizes too big, etc. Just insane presents that don't make sense. The compulsive shopping has a manic element and is definitely one of her BPD behaviors. I probably racked up 5k in credit card bills before age 25 when I recognized the madness and stopped playing along with that mess. I also spent about 6k on my own therapy, which I put on credit cards because it wasn't covered by insurance.

This is awful, but I feel like I've been taking restitution instead of apologies. I think I'm ok with that?   At the very least I don't feel bad taking an equal amount to the cost of my therapy. Maybe I shouldn't be letting them purchase away my bad childhood, but... .  I don't feel grateful. I feel entitled. I think maybe I was punishing them financially, but recognizing that now still won't make starbucks hire me faster.

I just want a job at this point.

[isshebpd]

I understand how you're feeling. I was part of a mass layoff in 2009, where the whole workplace shutdown and hundreds of good people lost their jobs.

Do you volunteer? It helped me find work. I made sure to do it in a way that's visible in the community and involves meeting a variety of people.

Good luck 

[XL]

I was poking around on the other board and came across that conflict triangle. I really have been caught in the "persecuted" role, where my brother and dad have been caught in the "fixer" role.

[GeekyGirl]

Do you volunteer? It helped me find work. I made sure to do it in a way that's visible in the community and involves meeting a variety of people.

Good suggestion! Volunteering can certainly help you network, XL, with people who can help you find a job, and it does help you feel better about yourself to help others. You can keep looking for a job while you volunteer too. Is there any particular skill or cause that you really enjoy?

[hopeforhealing]

+1 on the volunteering suggestion!

XL, I have a lot of empathy for what you are saying.  As a result of this economy my husband and I lost a small business we invested over 7 years and our life savings into.  The job market stinks and the whole job search circuit is grueling for even the most confident people.  If we have issues as a result of our BPD upbringing, it definitely becomes that much tougher.  I totally get this and am so sorry that you are going through it. 

I also get the idea of restitution -- in fact it kind of made me laugh in recognition.  My mom was a big over-giver too (I say "was" because she is still living but we are NC) and I suspected at a surprisingly early age that this was her way of rationalizing with herself about her parenting.  My hunch is that when she would subconsciously veer dangerously close to realizing some of the stuff that went on, her way of offsetting that discomfort was to tick off a list of things that she had given me, especially money.  I don't know this for sure, but like I said, it's my hunch.  Money and stuff very often equal control in a BPD's mind as you know, and unfortunately it sounds in some ways like your mom is trying to buy your compliance with her tirades.

Since there's no easy solution sitting right there and you are going to have to keep up the job search for a while, my suggestion would be to find ways to get out of the house and the furniture store and increase your autonomous flesh and blood network and support structure.  Again, I think the volunteering suggestion is great.  Are there any other interests you have that you might be able to pursue, maybe take a class at a park district level or something?  I suggest this because positive social human interaction may help to dissipate the darkness or walls that you describe -- I am prone to them too (totally) and I know it really does with me.  Just finding situations that are in no way connected to the BPD or your situation where you can have a normal, friendly chat with someone and walk away feeling decent.  Social skills are just those -- skills -- and if you feel that you aren't interviewing well then maybe some practice might help.  Yoga and dance classes have helped me tremendously too, in part because they help me physically process my experiences.

I know the economy really sucks but keep trying, ok?  You're doing great.

[XL]

Yeah, I am fairly sociable. I do have a lot of friends and hobbies.

My mom was a big over-giver too (I say "was" because she is still living but we are NC) and I suspected at a surprisingly early age that this was her way of rationalizing with herself about her parenting.  My hunch is that when she would subconsciously veer dangerously close to realizing some of the stuff that went on, her way of offsetting that discomfort was to tick off a list of things that she had given me, especially money.  I don't know this for sure, but like I said, it's my hunch.  Money and stuff very often equal control in a BPD's mind as you know, and unfortunately it sounds in some ways like your mom is trying to buy your compliance with her tirades.

Yes. This is very much a bad cycle in my family. None of my friends 'get' how so many gifts can be a bad thing. It's because they're restitution where apologies fail to appear. My mom gloats over holidays and relishes them. There's just that... .  punitive, manic? edge that makes my skin crawl. I tried to explain the 4 hour tantrum of hers over an unwanted omelet pan that almost lead to my excommunication from the family. She can do no wrong in any area, and this applies to gifts. I had better boundaries & control when I could demand nothing, no gifts, but with the economy, I kinda mumble and take the cash now.