Help me define

[lost007]

I can't exactly figure out how to define certain communication. How would you describe messages or emails sent that are condescending and hateful in their own right but disguised as potentially something else. The BPD can't see the hatefulness or vitriol in their words. It's like put downs, but to them it's almost like normal conversation. But it feels bad on the receiving end. For example they may say "it must be hard living in your body. The glass is always half empty. I hope and pray that will change for you". To me this is a veiled put down. Has no real empathy or heart in it. I know this is confusing. I just can't quite figure how to classify and deconstruct these type statements. It's verbal manipulation of some sort but disguised in a way that they can justify saying it. Anybody get it?

[GreenMango]

Indirect insults?  Nasty business.

Hey are these conversations/communications currently or are you remembering old conversations?

[lost007]

Green Mango. Both. I'm awaiting divorce. Limited contact. But still and yet if she doesn't get a desired response from me the devaluing and slights come my way. It was present past and continues today. It's almost a skill. She can say things and think they are normal comments and doesn't recognize the nastiness of it. It's weird.

[lost007]

Another example. She may say "I don't know how a man with your intelligence level and at your age could behave the way you do". This may have been prompted by her asking me to dinner and me saying i dont think that is a good idea. I just want to recognize it for what it is. Been in that fog so long sometime hard to see insults for what they are.  I think im seeing it more clearly now but still susceptible to the FOG if you know what I mean. 

[Discarded26]

Another example. She may say "I don't know how a man with your intelligence level and at your age could behave the way you do". This may have been prompted by her asking me to dinner and me saying i dont think that is a good idea. I just want to recognize it for what it is. Been in that fog so long sometime hard to see insults for what they are.  I think im seeing it more clearly now but still susceptible to the FOG if you know what I mean. 

My put downs are. That I'm happy and everything with a new person.

Sure is strange

[GreenMango]

Lost what are your boundaries regarding conversations with her?  What are you communicating about?  Is she calling you about divorce stuff then it goes to personal stuff? How (email, text etc)?

[lost007]

Green Mango. My boundaries have been fuzzy. I don't reach out to her. She reaches out to me. I typically respond. It has been hard detaching. She has toned down the rages so it has been easier to communicate. However that ugliness is always around the corner. I have been trying to keep things civil in hopes she will grant the divorce without postponement. She has threatened to not sign the papers. I understand boundaries and like many others have been less than effective with them. Usually because of FOG. Divorce is close. I am hopeful it goes through. Have my doubts. I like many people have hoped for change. I know it isn't coming anytime soon. I have not wavered on the divorce. That is one boundary I have been clear on since leaving the house 2 months ago. Still and yet her form of communication confuses me. I think it may be designed to. Or maybe it's more of the BPD can't see beyond their own pain and lack of empathy. Just wanting some clarity as I see these type statements as not sympathetic but intended with a barb extended and malice behind them. She actually said a day ago that I may have what I have requested. That is for her to not communicate with me and to let me go.  That would be optimal. I know that it is in my hands as well and communication may just encourage her.  Long history and difficult circumstances. Some I wouldn't want to share on this board.

[glacier_glider]

Most of the phrases that I used to hear from her contained some type of negativity. Either an insult (sometimes not very obvious, just like your examples) or some type of challenge for the lack of better word.

I think trying to understand the "real" meaning of these phrases is completely useless as there is no "meaning" in the normal sense.

And if you do respond, your answer will be twisted and get you puzzled even deeper, with more insults and humiliation.

Your normal reaction will be to prove yourself right which, in turn, will lead to more rumination and stronger attachment.