Dont ya just hate those days

[laelle]

Sitting on skype with my bf who is in a self admitted vile mood.  Everything I say is insulted, every question ask is answered with a passive agressive tone.  Nothing for me to say so im eating doritos and going about my business posting to you all. Normally it doesnt bother me but im not at my best today.  I fear these days.  I'm combative and quite invalidating. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

Doritos are sort of validating

Laelle, there's no one better at nottaking it personally & detaching w/ love than you, so if this is pushing even your ability to absorb & tolerate, I'm sorry!  It's a really human reaction to just want the person we're close to to be nice to us ... .  

[laelle]

LOL, if Im feeding my face I dont need a reason to not talk.  

Thanks for being here for me, its a rough day.

Oh, and validating would be useless right now.  Ignoring it will work better.  I'm painted black and obviously I think everything is about me.

Ok, he ended the convo.  Probably best because one more nasty word and I was going to go pretend I was taking a bath.  (have stitches)

[Cardinals in Flight]

Girl, I feel ya here on this one! 

Only thing I'd do different is add a big old Pepsi to the Doritos 

If it helps any, I'm struggling too, withdrawing from a medication that is causing me lots of side effects that aren't great, wanting my pwBPD to just freakin notice and step up, sigh... .  

Off to the 7-11 for a bucket of Pepsi, 

[laelle]

PMS and BPD dont mix thats for sure.

[LetItBe]

I learned last week that PMS and BPD are indeed NOT a good mix!  Some days really do feel dreadful.  At least we know it won't stay that way.

Big hugs, laelle! 

[laelle]

I just want to pinch his little neck and hang em up by his toenails.    Oh well, I had planned on making some beer bread tonite, maybe ill just save a beer for me.  I wish I could have a hot bath, thats normally the way I handle stress.

[yeeter]

Ok... .  as I sit here and eat a sleeve of oreos... .  I will suggest to the group here to find better outlets to relieve the stress than Doritos, Pepsi, and Oreos!

A brisk walk anyone?

A crunchy carrot/humus combo?  (the thought of crunching just anything can sometimes be therapeutic... .  )

Or best yet, a good workout (throw some pillows or punch a punching bag!)

(ok, Im off my high horse now... .  )

[laelle]

Cardinals, I'm really sorry your having a difficult time coming off your drug.  I have been there and I know how hard it is. As P&C said its normal that we just want our partners to be nice to us, especially when we arent our best.  

Ok here is a little game.

When my bf is upset he will not let me say "I'm sorry your not feeling well" or anything that has sorry in it.  His answer is always "you didnt do it" and it drives me bonkers.  I've started to say "sucks you dont feel good", but LOL it just doesnt sound right.

Name all the other ways to show sympathy without saying sorry.

[laelle]

ROFL Yeeter, I would prefer a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a Grilled Chicken stuffed Burrito from taco bell, but alas there are none in France.  

Oh, I just had surgery and I cant exercise, not that I would do it anyway, but the excuse works for the moment. 

[LetItBe]

Name all the other ways to show sympathy without saying sorry.

"I can imagine how difficult that is." (said with feeling and caring facial expression, of course -- per my friend who is a therapist who works with pwBPD and specializes in DBT)

[LetItBe]

Name all the other ways to show sympathy without saying sorry.

"I can imagine how difficult that is." (said with feeling and a caring facial expression, of course -- per my friend who is a therapist who works with pwBPD and specializes in DBT)

[laelle]

I dont have the courtesy of getting to show facial expressions as I am only with him part of the time.  I spend the rest of the time with my children.

His answer to I can imagine how difficult that is would be... .  no you cant... .  you dont have to worry about bills, etc etc

basically my life is a picnic and his sucks.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Ok... .  as I sit here and eat a sleeve of oreos... .  I will suggest to the group here to find better outlets to relieve the stress than Doritos, Pepsi, and Oreos!

A brisk walk anyone?

A crunchy carrot/humus combo?  (the thought of crunching just anything can sometimes be therapeutic... .  )

Or best yet, a good workout (throw some pillows or punch a punching bag!)

(ok, Im off my high horse now... .  )

Ok Waaaaaaaait a minute! is this a guy? telling us girls what quenches our moods, hmmmmm    

LMAO... .  Sowwy, couldn't resist, carry on! carry over, carry me back to... .  

[LetItBe]

His answer to I can imagine how difficult that is would be... .  no you cant... .  you dont have to worry about bills, etc etc

basically my life is a picnic and his sucks.

Let's try this again.  "That must be really, really difficult."  How does that sound?

I'm soothing my mood with Tension Tamer tea, by the way... .  trying to avoid the Doritos.

[laelle]

Good one, keep it going    He has periods of time when he is really sad, days, weeks even.  One comforting phrase would end up being seen as fake because its the only phrase I know.

[LetItBe]

"I bet it is really challenging trying to manage (whatever is going on)."

[laelle]

I'm writing all this down, good stuff. 

[LetItBe]

I'm writing all this down, good stuff.  

I'm learning here.  Great topic to consider!

"I bet most people (or 'a lot of people' would feel that way in that situation."  (Or would he not believe that?)

"I can see how that would make you sad (angry, frustrated, etc.)."

I'll talk to my T friend and get some more ideas.

[laelle]

I think anyone would feel that way in the same situation?

[laelle]

Ok, he is taking a nite to himself.  I know he is utterly exhausted.  I can understand how tiring it must be for him to have to talk all day long (he is an english teacher) and not have any time for himself. Its good that he takes a break because we would only end up arguing and it would end badly.  I appreciate him being perceptive to his own mood. Neither of us want to fight.  Now I am having a little solitude instead of feeling alone.   

Going to put the kids to bed and cook that beer bread.   

[LetItBe]

Its good that he takes a break because we would only end up arguing and it would end badly.  I appreciate him being perceptive to his own mood. Neither of us want to fight.  Now I am having a little solitude instead of feeling alone.   

You are wise and understanding, laelle.  I will have to save this quote to remind myself when my uBPDbf needs space.  Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is give the gift of space to our pwBPD (and to ourselves).

[LetItBe]

I think anyone would feel that way in the same situation?

Yes! 

[laelle]

I say all that because I honestly use to think that it was an insult for him to take a nite off from me.  I would keep engaging trying to make him feel better even tho I would get an earful everytime. I would only end up hurt.  This is a much better way for both of us to deal.

He will come round when he is feeling more like himself. I have to be ok with that because I cant control another person.  I can only control me.

[Natalie2012]

PMS and BPD dont mix thats for sure.

This is so true - I am never allowed to have an off day when its 'that time' and am punished for seeking any kind of TLC - its poo!

[laelle]

PMS and BPD dont mix thats for sure.

This is so true - I am never allowed to have an off day when its 'that time' and am punished for seeking any kind of TLC - its poo!

I know exactly what you mean!  Its kinda weird that mine always takes time to himself at a certain time every month. 

[LetItBe]

I say all that because I honestly use to think that it was an insult for him to take a nite off from me.  I would keep engaging trying to make him feel better even tho I would get an earful everytime. I would only end up hurt.  This is a much better way for both of us to deal.

He will come round when he is feeling more like himself. I have to be ok with that because I cant control another person.  I can only control me.

I used to do the same thing as you did, and we would both end up hurt.  This time around, I'm more accepting of his need for space, and it's making a HUGE difference!

[laelle]

I used to do the same thing as you did, and we would both end up hurt.  This time around, I'm more accepting of his need for space, and it's making a HUGE difference!


Yes! 

[arabella]

I say all that because I honestly use to think that it was an insult for him to take a nite off from me.  I would keep engaging trying to make him feel better even tho I would get an earful everytime. I would only end up hurt.  This is a much better way for both of us to deal.

He will come round when he is feeling more like himself. I have to be ok with that because I cant control another person.  I can only control me.

I used to do the same thing as you did, and we would both end up hurt.  This time around, I'm more accepting of his need for space, and it's making a HUGE difference!

YES! Me three! At least I'm learning. 

As to the validation, how about this:

That sounds awful. How are you coping? I think it would be very hard in your situation.

(This has the added benefit of allowing them to continue to talk and invites some self-soothing. I think. I'm new to this so help me out here!)

[laelle]

Nice one Arabella! I have never tried that one before.