Guilt

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,

I haven't posted in a while.  I have been to embarassed to, as I have continued to stay in contact with him, even though I know I shouldn't have.

Briefly, I was having an affair with someone (most likely) with BPD.  He pressured me strongly from the beginning to leave my husband.  He was manipulative and abusive (emotionally) so I decided there was no way that I could have him involved at all in my daughter's life.  I did not meet the ultimatum he gave me (3 months!) and this was over a year ago.  We have been having a relationship strictly via email.  I managed to be out of contact with him for 6 weeks, but then he came back (5 months ago!) and he has been emailing me, begging to see me.  I won't, then he gets mad.  He told me I had to see him and have sex with him, or he would tell my husband.  Then he would calm down, but it would always escalate back to that.

He has been relentless, and I am ashamed that I kept in contact with him.  I was not trying to lead him on.  At times I would be so sucked in that I thought I would actually leave my husband for him.  I have been ill, and a mess.

Two weeks ago I told him that I was going to stop contacting him.  That I wasn't going to answer him.  And I haven't.  I haven't blocked him, because quite frankly, I am afraid.  Every time I have done so in the past has caused major rages.  So I am just staying the course, and not responding to anything.  He has filled up my VM, so he can't leave any more.  He can still text and email, but he preferred threatening me over VM, so the texts and emails have been minimal.  He threatens to either come to my house, or to go see a show I am in and cause a scene.

I feel horribly guilty.  He is saying that I left him in a horrible way.  He is mad at me for NOT blocking him, saying that I am leading him on.  I know from experience that blocking him is worse. 

I am trying to sort this all out in my brain.  Sorry this is so long!  I know I did not handle anything here the right way.  But I did the best that I could do.  I am so scared and paralysed, I feel I handled this the best way I could.  I have tried other ways.  Blocking him.  Saying clearly that it was over for good.  But I kept messing up and going back.

He says the worst thing I did was to keep him in this for 3 years.  I have only known him for 2, but he insists it's 3.  Anyway, on the last day I emailed him, I tried to say it was ultimately the abuse that drove me away.  He said if that were true, then I should have left him long ago, when he first started treating me horribly.  That I would have been justified.  But I didn't, he said.  I came back every time he tried to get me back.  He said I never said that it was the abuse.  I told him that actually I did, but he got so angry every time I said it was the abuse, that I always got scared and took it back.  He was always making me take back things I said, and I would do it!

This time though, I stuck with it and just haven't responded to anything.

And I feel so horribly and painfully guilty.

[PM10]

Hello all,

I haven't posted in a while.  I have been to embarassed to, as I have continued to stay in contact with him, even though I know I shouldn't have.

Briefly, I was having an affair with someone (most likely) with BPD.  He pressured me strongly from the beginning to leave my husband.  He was manipulative and abusive (emotionally) so I decided there was no way that I could have him involved at all in my daughter's life.  I did not meet the ultimatum he gave me (3 months!) and this was over a year ago.  We have been having a relationship strictly via email.  I managed to be out of contact with him for 6 weeks, but then he came back (5 months ago!) and he has been emailing me, begging to see me.  I won't, then he gets mad.  He told me I had to see him and have sex with him, or he would tell my husband.  Then he would calm down, but it would always escalate back to that.

He has been relentless, and I am ashamed that I kept in contact with him.  I was not trying to lead him on.  At times I would be so sucked in that I thought I would actually leave my husband for him.  I have been ill, and a mess.

Two weeks ago I told him that I was going to stop contacting him.  That I wasn't going to answer him.  And I haven't.  I haven't blocked him, because quite frankly, I am afraid.  Every time I have done so in the past has caused major rages.  So I am just staying the course, and not responding to anything.  He has filled up my VM, so he can't leave any more.  He can still text and email, but he preferred threatening me over VM, so the texts and emails have been minimal.  He threatens to either come to my house, or to go see a show I am in and cause a scene.

I feel horribly guilty.  He is saying that I left him in a horrible way.  He is mad at me for NOT blocking him, saying that I am leading him on.  I know from experience that blocking him is worse. 

I am trying to sort this all out in my brain.  Sorry this is so long!  I know I did not handle anything here the right way.  But I did the best that I could do.  I am so scared and paralysed, I feel I handled this the best way I could.  I have tried other ways.  Blocking him.  Saying clearly that it was over for good.  But I kept messing up and going back.

He says the worst thing I did was to keep him in this for 3 years.  I have only known him for 2, but he insists it's 3.  Anyway, on the last day I emailed him, I tried to say it was ultimately the abuse that drove me away.  He said if that were true, then I should have left him long ago, when he first started treating me horribly.  That I would have been justified.  But I didn't, he said.  I came back every time he tried to get me back.  He said I never said that it was the abuse.  I told him that actually I did, but he got so angry every time I said it was the abuse, that I always got scared and took it back.  He was always making me take back things I said, and I would do it!

This time though, I stuck with it and just haven't responded to anything.

And I feel so horribly and painfully guilty.

[maria1]

Hi PM10

Glad to see you back but so sorry for what you are going through. Please don't feel embarrassed, I think that we have all done things in and out of contact that we aren't proud of. But you haven't done anything wrong. 

It sounds like you are being blackmailed.

What are you feeling guilty about?

What is the worst thing that can happen if you block him?

How would your husband react if you told him the whole truth?

[PM10]

I am feeling guilty that I let him down.  I should have disengaged much sooner.  Like I said though there were times when I really thought I would go to him.  I was just a mess!

As far as my husband goes, I told him a little.  I did ask for a divorce from him when I was in the thick of things, and backed off when he threatened to take my daughter away.  So he always knew about the emotional aspect of the affair.  I told him 2 weeks ago though that when I had asked for the divorce, I was planning on being with this other man.  I told him that he was still contacting me, and that he might be calling him.

He asked if anything physical had gone on, and I lied, because I was afraid of losing my daughter.  I am not proud of this, and feel guilty about this as well. 

[maria1]

Do you have a therapist or access to a Counsellor? Might help you disentangle some of the threads.

There is a lot going on for you emotionally here- I know you don't need me to tell you that but it sounds like a very difficult place for you right now

[maria1]

I mean there is your feelings toward pwBPD; your feelings toward your husband; your feelings re your daughter; the fact that ex is blackmailing you and then there's you

[PM10]

I do go to therapy every week.  I have been going since I met him!  I have been to several therapists, some better than others.  I have been so resistant in this, so unable to cut ties with this man, that I know I have frustrated all of them.  It is hard to get very far in therapy when all I have been doing is trying and failing to get away from him for so long!

[maria1]

What do you want?