Resentment, finances etc...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven't posted on here in months... .  lots of things going on in my world unrelated to BPD and the fact that for the most part things were going smoothly.

But, I've found myself in a situation that is starting to get a little tough and thought I'd turn to those who understand this illness to seek some advice.

To make a long story short - my BPDbf moved in with me about two years when he got laid off his job. We had lived in separate towns and saw each other mostly on the weekends. He was unable to find work (he didn't try real hard), his unemployment ran out and we were at the point where it was starting to put a lot of stress on our relationship. He got sick, very sick... .  but wouldn't go to the doctor because he had no insurance or money. He ended up in the hospital on a ventilator with multi-organ shutdown and little chance of surviving. His lower intestine had ruptured due to diverticulitis. He survived, actually had a very miraculous recovery. He was given a temporary colostomy and, to my surprise, accepted it without any problems and sees it as a thing that saved his life. The whole situation actually brought he and I closer together. He was able to get on Medicaid to pay his enormous hospital bill.

Fast forward 9 months... .  he is now ready to undergo surgery to have his colostomy reversed. He has undergone all the preliminary tests and I got him a referral to one of the best colo-rectal surgeons in the area, but I can't get him to schedule the surgery. I'm trying to be understanding because I feel a lot of it is due to fear and I can't blame him considering what he went through. I've also told him that he does not have to do the surgery if he doesn't want to... .  it's up to him. The issue is I need him to go back to work to help me with finances. For the past year and a half, I've been paying all of his bills because he doesn not have income coming in. He needs to either get the surgery and get healthy so he can go back to work or go back to work. I've been trying to be gentle in my approach because I know in his mind he will read it as "she wants me to work because she wants my money."

Of course that is not the case completely... .  if he really couldn't work for helath reasons, I would take care of him. We are in a committed relationship. But because he doesn't appear to be trying to get to a point where he can help, resentment builds up on my part. I have a good job, but when you work 40+ hours a week and come home every night to him laying around watching TV or playing on the computer all day, it gets hard to handle and still feel good about yourself and the situation.

I'm sure fear is an underlying cause but I'm also not completing ruling out the fact that I'm sure he enjoys not having to take on any responsibilities of his own. I'm just not sure what to do... .  do I issue an ultimatum... .  those rarely work with people with BPD... .  any thoughts? I'm kind of beating myself up as well for allowing myself to get into this situation. I knew better... .  

[committed]

I haven't posted on here in months... .  lots of things going on in my world unrelated to BPD and the fact that for the most part things were going smoothly.

But, I've found myself in a situation that is starting to get a little tough and thought I'd turn to those who understand this illness to seek some advice.

To make a long story short - my BPDbf moved in with me about two years when he got laid off his job. We had lived in separate towns and saw each other mostly on the weekends. He was unable to find work (he didn't try real hard), his unemployment ran out and we were at the point where it was starting to put a lot of stress on our relationship. He got sick, very sick... .  but wouldn't go to the doctor because he had no insurance or money. He ended up in the hospital on a ventilator with multi-organ shutdown and little chance of surviving. His lower intestine had ruptured due to diverticulitis. He survived, actually had a very miraculous recovery. He was given a temporary colostomy and, to my surprise, accepted it without any problems and sees it as a thing that saved his life. The whole situation actually brought he and I closer together. He was able to get on Medicaid to pay his enormous hospital bill.

Fast forward 9 months... .  he is now ready to undergo surgery to have his colostomy reversed. He has undergone all the preliminary tests and I got him a referral to one of the best colo-rectal surgeons in the area, but I can't get him to schedule the surgery. I'm trying to be understanding because I feel a lot of it is due to fear and I can't blame him considering what he went through. I've also told him that he does not have to do the surgery if he doesn't want to... .  it's up to him. The issue is I need him to go back to work to help me with finances. For the past year and a half, I've been paying all of his bills because he doesn not have income coming in. He needs to either get the surgery and get healthy so he can go back to work or go back to work. I've been trying to be gentle in my approach because I know in his mind he will read it as "she wants me to work because she wants my money."

Of course that is not the case completely... .  if he really couldn't work for helath reasons, I would take care of him. We are in a committed relationship. But because he doesn't appear to be trying to get to a point where he can help, resentment builds up on my part. I have a good job, but when you work 40+ hours a week and come home every night to him laying around watching TV or playing on the computer all day, it gets hard to handle and still feel good about yourself and the situation.

I'm sure fear is an underlying cause but I'm also not completing ruling out the fact that I'm sure he enjoys not having to take on any responsibilities of his own. I'm just not sure what to do... .  do I issue an ultimatum... .  those rarely work with people with BPD... .  any thoughts? I'm kind of beating myself up as well for allowing myself to get into this situation. I knew better... .  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[crazymade]

i don't have an answer or a solution, but i share your feelings. my H and I have been together for 4 years (but known each other since we were kids), and in that time he has worked a total of maybe 5 or 6 months. There has never been any real rush for him to get a job, but there have been a couple of times where if i didn't get a job, all hell was going to break loose. i really really share your feelings! for the past two years straight i have worked and come home to him playing video games and drinking beer and smoking 3 packs of cigarettes a day (i smoke one pack a day of  my own). it has only recently been made worse by him getting disability benefits. now he feels more entitled (right word) to stay at home since he's bringing in some money. yes, i get furious inside! i work all day, and then come home and he wants dinner and the house clean. he does some housework, but REALLY?

i'm not even sure of his capabilities to work. he's done it before, but he has had physical injuries since the last time he worked that probably do hurt. what kills me is the attitude that comes from him. even before he got disability he would say how much he hates it when someone won't go to work and take care of their family when they can, blah blah blah. and he'll go on and on to his online game friends about how he gets paid to sit at home and play game. he did THAT even before he got the disability. in the meantime, i work 40 hours a week, and his mom gives us money whenever she can. one time our rent wasn't going to get paid because he wanted a game, and his mom risked her credit and paid it and all he would tell me is, 'see i told you i knew she would pay it.'

YES, commited, IT IS INFURIATING! i have to work everyday on the resentment. it makes it worse when he waits all day for me to get off work so i can drive him around or take him somewhere. it makes it worse when he really doesn't care that i've been at work and am tired and he hasn't eaten all day because he's been waiting on ME to fix him something, or clean the house. i've been working very VERY HARD on that one.

i wish i had an answer, but i don't. i just share in your feelings. 

[committed]

Thanks so much for your response. I appreciate it and send hugs your way as well. I told him yesterday that he needed to call and schedule his surgery and he said he would, but of course, he did not. I don't want to pressure him and I really never think ultimatums are a good idea in any situation.

I was just hoping someone might have some ideas about the best way to approach this from a BPD perspective.

Hang in there... .  

[daylily]

Hi committed,

Forgive me for not using the correct medical terms and for not being proficient in this stuff, but does he have an external bag?  A relative of mine had this procedure and had the external bag for awhile, then did the second surgery to hook everything up inside, for lack of medical terms!      Both surgeries were really hard for her, so I can see someone not wanting to subject themselves to it. 

Perhaps you could approach it from a health perspective, if there are health benefits to getting the surgery, rather than from the financial angle?  Or maybe from a lifestyle angle, because his quality of life likely will go up after the surgery?  And maybe validate the fear, assuring him that you'll help him through everything?  Maybe make some plans of fun things you'll be able to do together afterward?  I think maybe because it's such invasive surgery, he needs to have an incentive to do it, some benefit at the other end.

  Daylily

[committed]

Hi daylily, sorry for taking so long to respond; been a busy week for me. Yes, he does have a bag and this surgery is to reverse that and connect everything back again. It will actually take two surgeries to complete with about 3 months in between the first and second surgery. And, I do agree that fear is probably the biggest issue he is facing.

Right now he is not working and is on Medicaid. His doctor suggested he not return to work until after the reversal surgery to give his body time to heal from the multi-organ shutdown. I agreed that was a good idea. And, from a financial staNPDoint, it would allow him to remain on Medicaid to cover the two surgeries. He may have a difficult time getting a job and insurance benefits with these surgeries pending and he would have to take a great deal of time off work. I told him that was fine; it makes sense.

The health benefits would be to get back to a better lifestyle and also to be able to return to work. I've been validating the fear and he admits that it is scary to go through the surgeries. I've also told him he does not have to do the reversal if he doesn't want to, and could just return to work with the colostomy. Lots of people have permanent colostomies and live normal lives. He says he wants to do the surgery.

One of my fears... .  and maybe someone from the board can answer this... .  is will they renew his Medicaid when it comes up for review mid-summer if he is not in the process of getting the reversal done or will they look at his file and say he is able to return to work and deny him Medicaid? He did apply for disability after his doctor put it in his file that he didn't want him to return to work, but it was denied because he is able to work with a colostomy. So he has no money coming in and I am fully supporting him.

I don't want to be mean, but it is hard to keep giving him a free ride when he is able to work now or schedule the surgery so we can get the process started that will enable him to get back to work... .  ugh!