Feeling bitter, and I hate it

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I'm not a bitter person, I'm really not.  In fact, my friends have been amazed at how gracious I have been over my ex running away and now being engaged to her new gf, 3 months on!

But inside, I feel sad and hurt tonight.

It's like - I'm lonely.  She was my first "real love".  And I thought it was all so real.  I don't know now.  Maybe it was?  It was like the Disney fairytale.  I never thought I'd be in love, this was something that happened to other people! 

We got engaged - another first - never thought it would happen for me.

And now I am left, feeling lonely and betrayed. 

She is off having a great time, in the honeymoon stage with somebody else.  I hear about it from friends, who ask if I'm ok.  I feel stupid and embarrassed for believing it all.

So I'm left paying bills, rent etc.

And she's moved in with her new fiancee, rent free (apparently), no worries, fresh new start.  And I am here with all the memories.

It just... .  hurts.

It seems so unfair.  I did everything to try and make this work.  I reassured her, tried to make her feel safe (she told me one day that I no longer made her feel safe) and supported her.  When she raged at the end (she never did for the rest of our relationship) I stayed calm.

It feels so unfair!  But I feel like a spoiled brat for saying it out loud.

I'm not trying to have a pity party here, just kind of hoping that other people will understand... .  my friends feel bad for me but I don't think they realise the depth of pain that comes with being cast aside in a BPD relationship.

[mango_flower]

I'm not a bitter person, I'm really not.  In fact, my friends have been amazed at how gracious I have been over my ex running away and now being engaged to her new gf, 3 months on!

But inside, I feel sad and hurt tonight.

It's like - I'm lonely.  She was my first "real love".  And I thought it was all so real.  I don't know now.  Maybe it was?  It was like the Disney fairytale.  I never thought I'd be in love, this was something that happened to other people! 

We got engaged - another first - never thought it would happen for me.

And now I am left, feeling lonely and betrayed. 

She is off having a great time, in the honeymoon stage with somebody else.  I hear about it from friends, who ask if I'm ok.  I feel stupid and embarrassed for believing it all.

So I'm left paying bills, rent etc.

And she's moved in with her new fiancee, rent free (apparently), no worries, fresh new start.  And I am here with all the memories.

It just... .  hurts.

It seems so unfair.  I did everything to try and make this work.  I reassured her, tried to make her feel safe (she told me one day that I no longer made her feel safe) and supported her.  When she raged at the end (she never did for the rest of our relationship) I stayed calm.

It feels so unfair!  But I feel like a spoiled brat for saying it out loud.

I'm not trying to have a pity party here, just kind of hoping that other people will understand... .  my friends feel bad for me but I don't think they realise the depth of pain that comes with being cast aside in a BPD relationship.

[broken but not beaten]

Hey mango flower... .  I can't quote so appols in advance,ill try to share my emotions as briefly as I can. I've been on a rollercoaster these last few days maybe a week,the anger,frustration and the sense of injustice in it all. How PWBPD seem to be able to move on with no remorse or acceptance of the carnage they have left behind. What you feel is normal and part of the healing,like you I have been left in  financial difficulties but I now begin to start questioning myself and why allowed myself to become so vulnerable. Its good for you to vent and release that anger and pain you feel,I'm there with you,I feel strong then breakdown as its becomes so overwhelming. I'm beginning to question myself now,was I the one who enabled this behaviour,the one who bought his own unresolved issues to the table. Yes the treatment we have received is unfair and cruel,there is no doubt about that,there is that sense of injustice but we can only make things better ourselves. Our partners took what they needed and we need to ask ourselves why did we allow that,what caused us to allow such relationships to continue. I mean no offence friend,I'm where your at but the kindest thing we can do is look inside us and own our part then learn so we don't repeat the same mistakes again

[healingmyheart]

MangoFlower, I think we all can feel your pain... .  we've all been there are in the midst of it ourselves.  I just had my ex BPD boyfriend move out a week ago.  Such a whirlwind of emotions... .  I miss him, I still love him even though he was abusive towards me and my daughter.  Just doesn't make sense, does it? 

Allow yourself time to digest everything.  I think you have to feel the pain to heal.  I'm healing myself and it's not pretty.  Just know that her new relationship will still be tainted with all her pathological traits and in the long run (or short run) it probably won't last either.  You will eventually come to realize how vey fortunate you are that YOU weren't the one she married and ultimately divorced and had children with.  You deserve normalcy and in time will find it.  You sound very young to me... .  you have a whole lifetime to find your soul mate. 

[mango_flower]

Ahhhh I wish I was young!  Alas I am 33... .  

So yeah, still a bit of time, but really need to think about settling down and having the family I want... .  I was so scared of relationships my whole life, she is the first one I let in.  She broke down my barriers.  Urgh.

[clairedair]

It just... .  hurts.

It feels so unfair!  But I feel like a spoiled brat for saying it out loud.

It does hurt.   :'(  It IS unfair.    And you are not a spoiled brat.

Bitterness is ultimately unhealthy but some righteous anger is a good thing. 

take care

Claire

[healingmyheart]

Mango Flower,

I have to laugh because 33 is still so young in my eyes... .  of course this is coming from someone who is 52 years old... .  ... .  guess it's all a matter of perspective.

Better to wait and marry the right person even if it takes a little longer than to jump into a relationship which is flawed from the beginning and doesn't have a fair chance to succeed. 

I do know what you're feeling.  You are are at a very low point and I get it.  Just know some day you will look back at this and feel very grateful that things worked out as they did... .  trust me.

[mango_flower]

Thank you guys so much for replying - makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one (even though it sucks that all of us are going through this rubbish!) xxx

[healingmyheart]

You have a right to feel bitter.  Like you, I NEVER reacted when my ex BPD boyfriend raged at me.  I took his abuse, allowed him to control me and allowed him to rage at me... .  even feeling guilty and that somehow I deserved it... .  it's total absurdity if you ask me.  Now he is demonizing me to his friends and twisting the truth making me look like the culprit and it's all my fault. 

Is that what we really want and deserve... .  I don't think so. 

hang in there... .  I know it's been said before but it's very true... .  time does heal.

[LuckyEscapee]

Feeling bitter is natural, eventually the taste fades and is replaced by apathy and pity. I am still on this journey and still have my bad days.

Like you both i went through hell but I never bit back. I never wanted to give him the excuse of that being acceptable shared behaviour, but some days I look back and wish I'd let rip! Sometimes when I recall the worse, I feel like I hope he gets a taste of his own diabolical medicine. This is all natural, part of healing.

Mostly I am ambivalent, and feel nothing but lucky to be off the crazy train. I the other night when realised someone else is wondering what unpleasantness his cell is bringing. He went to bed with his cell, he went to bed with me  with his cell... .  red flag   wherever he is, with whomever he is, guaranteed that cell is in his hand hooked up to a few others in an attempt feed his unmeetable needs  No thank you!