Feelings/Obessions/Ruminating Fading

[stevenq]

i'm almost at 12 weeks with NC with my BPD ex gf! Man what a difference time has made for me. It was such a toxic/controlling relationship.  To think she would inspect me from head to toe before i would leave for work, the constant jealousies, the relentless text messaging, the constant questioning on my whereabouts all the way from the time i got off work to i got home to her, the crazy angry outbursts, the arguing, break up, and make up, etc. I thought all these things were part of a relationship and that it meant she "loved" me. It was just her way to control me because of her fear of abandonment. I stayed because I thought i couldn't get anyone as attractive or someone who supposedly had thier stuff together. What a joke! The third stage of detachment is Follow Up Protection. In the event she tries to contact me or ~ me I will be ready to keep it short and sweet, nothing personal, no talks about someday or agree to meet and definitely not change my position. I've given myself 3 more months till I try and "possibly date".

[glacier_glider]

Good to hear!

Surprisingly enough my phases are flying by fast because I've gone through this crap with her many, many times and I was getting ready to get out forever.

She did it for me. Fine!

I've started dating just because I don't feel like being alone.

And when I go out, I spend the whole evening not even thinking about her at all.

[sunrising]

Congratulations!  These "it's getting better" messages REALLY motivate me.  

sunrising

[stevenq]

Talk to me. Whats going on with u? I wanna help.

[gina louise]

"Hi!"

I am just past 3 months out and even with sporadic contact-I am able to remain detached and not get sucked back into his drama. He tried-a little-but it was far easier to remain neutral, stay medium chill and not react to any of the

provocations and blame he's still randomly tossing at me.

I didn't cause his mental issues-and only he can address them.

We are in the midst of divorce and he randomly swings from friendly/sociable texts to aggressive/ blaming. It's Ok. He's venting. I get it. I see it very clearly. He's struggling. And that's OK, too. I relinquished my responsibility for that!

Time and distance are great healers. It gets better and better the further away the r/s is in your past. Trust me-I never would have believed it 3 months ago.

I ignore. I redirect myself. I watch MY thoughts because my thoughts create my feelings.   

Only I can control MY responses to this. I can control my ruminations, my obsessing.

There is a workshop on it. (of course!)

There is also a "thought stopping" action that anyone can do either aloud or silently which is to mentally yell

STOP! with emphasis-once the ruminations begin. It's pretty effective.

GL

[glacier_glider]

I didn't cause his mental issues-and only he can address them.

Nice! I like the way you said it!

There is a workshop on it. (of course!)

There is also a *thought stopping* action that anyone can do either aloud or silently which is to mentally yell

STOP! with emphasis-once the ruminations begin. It's pretty effective.

I need to learn that.

[stevenq]

GL thank you for your feedback. Its nice to hear fr a females point of view. Im here if u need to talk. I have my moments too but each day i get stronger. How long were u married? Where r u from?

[gina louise]

stevenq,

married 2 years. west coast.

I think a r/s without marriage is more complex in some ways as the temptation to get back together appears easier if you don't have a divorce to deal with!

When it's just a r/s issue and not a legal battle (also) it may be easier to justify-even in one's mind- and consider a Recycle! Don't get sucked in- examine their actions, not their words. Look at the whole picture.

As a divorcing spouse there's attorney's and legal fees and deadlines... .  legal red tape.   Those are real external obstacles, that kind of keep one focused on the bigger scene.

But if you fight, break up, walk away... .  it seems harder to stay away! There's fewer real obstacles, except the ones you maintain-like NC, to stay apart. Delete the e-mails. Stay off FB and other social media. Toss the mementos.

Don't stalk or cyber stalk your ex. Don't give them your energy!

Just keep doing what you are doing. It does get better in every way. You will begin to feel more like your old self.

It's like breaking any toxic addiction. It may not feel good at first but it's in your best interest.

GL

[stevenq]

GL i almost moved in with my ex BPD just after 2months. Im so glad I didnt. I have 2small kids fr previous marriage. If i would have stayed w her this relationship would have damaged my kids. They help me stay away. I admit i do wonder why she hasnt tried to recycle me yet. Then i let it go. I think she is prob seeing someone to keep fr contacting me. This validates the disorder in my mind. If anything i have learned what i have to work on before i get into another relationship. Even though we were only together a year this relationship was the hardest one to get out of.

[stevenq]

Hey GL! How r you doing?

[healingmyheart]

Thank you guys... .  I needed to read this thread.  I'm only just a week out from my breakup whereby I had to kick my ex out.  Today he sent me flowers with reminders of all of our wonderful past events... .  he started texting and wanting me to respond.  It's so hard not to... .  needless to say, he keeps trying to engage me.

Although its only been a week, I've forced myself to do something for myself everyday.  I'm starting to once again think about my interests and doing things for "me".  That is something I lost in my relationship with my ex.  Everything was focused on his interests and i totally lost myself. 

I'm already starting to enjoy my time and I don't even mind being alone... .  I kinda like myself   When I look back at the time and energy that went into taking care of him and his needs... .  the texting to check where I was and what I was doing.  The control stuff is frightening when I think about it... .  not to mention the jealousy.  It's so strange to me that I didn't see it at the time because it is so obvious now... .  it's like I was brainwashed.

[gina louise]

in 3 months my stbxBPDh's pendulum has swung wildly back and forth from hating me to missing me terribly back to hating/blaming me-     and of course telling me so!

I discount any of his emotional states as permanent.

that way I will not be sucked back into the turmoil that makes his life what it is.

Do I miss him at times? yes.  not so much, though.

Do I need to revisit that pain? NO WAY

GL

[stevenq]

Stolemuheart i know how you feel. I felt my ex BPD gf brainwashed me too. Im at 12weeks and still have my moments. How long were u with your partner? How old r u? Im 42 and live in CA. My ex lives 20miles fr me.

[recoil]

I'm close to one month NC and I feel fantastic.

There have been a couple of weak attempts at contact and they haven't impacted me one bit.

I'll have a low moment every once in awhile but I dodged a real bullet and I'm very thankful for it.  In a perfect world, it could have worked and would have been great.  It's just not a perfect world.

[Leaf]

I'm 2 months out of an almost 3 year relationship. At first it was NC to get my head together, then LC to defuse him so he wouldn't try too hard to get me back, to let him attach to someone else, and as methadon for myself. To keep myself busy I'm going to the gym and dance classes a lot, I'm reading self help books and I'm generally making plans to get myself out of the house so I might find some friends because I don't have any I can go out with. I felt great most of the time, but not today.

A couple of days ago he parked his car next to mine at the mall I always go to. He had followed me around the supermarket unnoticed and showed himself when I got back to my car. I was very cool talking to him and that was fairly easy. I was just pissed he couldn't stay away from my mall. But since then it hasn't been so easy. Today I missed him so much I almost wanted him back, maybe it's because spring is in the air I don't know. Also by now I've had weeks and weeks to do the things I wanted to do, the things I could never do because he controlled everything – same as Stolemysoul. But I really miss having someone to touch and to talk to. He has replacements he can touch and talk to. I won't contact him but it just sucks.

[stevenq]

Leaf. How long were you with him? When did the controlling start? I know what u mean when u miss them. I cant believe ive gone 12weeks NC. It hasnt been easy. Im thankful i found this board. Leaf sounds like your on the right path. We all need to heal our wounds.

[Leaf]

Hi StevenQ, Almost three years. I guess the controlling started pretty quickly. Less than four months in and I bought a car although I didn't have a driver's license!  I've got a license now. I just got back from the mall and now I'm going to bake oatmeal raisin cookies. That's something new for me to do plus comfort food. Feeling better already. This board helps a lot. It's good to have people to talk to who understand. Thanks for your reply.

[stevenq]

Leaf i wish i would have known about this board while i was in my relationship it prob would have saved me more heart ache. I didnt learn what kind of rel i was in until after i broke up w her. I have alot more knowledge now. Today im going to take myself to a movie i want to see. Something i never got to do w her.

[Discarded26]

I'm close to one month NC and I feel fantastic.

There have been a couple of weak attempts at contact and they haven't impacted me one bit.

I'll have a low moment every once in awhile but I dodged a real bullet and I'm very thankful for it.  In a perfect world, it could have worked and would have been great.  It's just not a perfect world.

Wow wish I could post a post like that

I'm jealous ha ha

Hopefully I'll get there in the end