creativity / fear

[Depression = 72% of members]

(Sorry I'm posting a lot, I just discovered this site as a place to vent. So many thoughts... .  )

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So I'm a pro musician. Looking back, I was sort of into music, but my mom got into a BPD fight with the school band teacher, and then it became something of an aggressive stage parent situation. I was never that into my instrument (her choice), it was something to do after school so I didn't have to go home. Somehow this lead to 2 music degrees.

Oddly, she had been a singer. I was good at singing. She told me repeatedly when I was a kid that "having babies wrecked her voice forever".   One of my worst childhood memories was getting the borderline silent treatment after a 4th grade choir recital. I think she was jealous of me.

So I've secretly been switching instruments, learning to sing. I have an album mostly finished. I caught myself at a family reunion begging my siblings and cousins not to mention my songwriting to my mom. I am TERRIFIED she's going to listen to it. I almost considered releasing it under a pen name.

This is stupid. My biggest fear is she's going to over analyze my lyrics, and it's going to kick off a fight. It might be the fight to end all fights. She might reject me completely like she did when I was a kid. Or take jabs at it, cut one of my life's goals down. She came to all my concerts, but sulked around the lobby glaring at my dad, making jealous remarks about my teachers. At my biggest college recital, she didn't listen to the performance, but managed to tell me how my male professor were "undressing me with their eyes". She's already told me repeatedly I'm going to get kidnapped, sold into sex slavery and die on tour, and demanded I leave voice mail messages so when I *obviously* die, she's "have something to remember me by".

Just... UGH. "Your career choice will lead to your death by kidnapping." is the message I got growing up. How f'ed up is that?

Can someone just validate that this is the 'ghosts of crazy making' and I shouldn't be scared of her anymore?

13. "I accept that I have the right to be who I want to be and live the way I want to live."

[XL]

(Sorry I'm posting a lot, I just discovered this site as a place to vent. So many thoughts... .  )

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So I'm a pro musician. Looking back, I was sort of into music, but my mom got into a BPD fight with the school band teacher, and then it became something of an aggressive stage parent situation. I was never that into my instrument (her choice), it was something to do after school so I didn't have to go home. Somehow this lead to 2 music degrees.

Oddly, she had been a singer. I was good at singing. She told me repeatedly when I was a kid that "having babies wrecked her voice forever".   One of my worst childhood memories was getting the borderline silent treatment after a 4th grade choir recital. I think she was jealous of me.

So I've secretly been switching instruments, learning to sing. I have an album mostly finished. I caught myself at a family reunion begging my siblings and cousins not to mention my songwriting to my mom. I am TERRIFIED she's going to listen to it. I almost considered releasing it under a pen name.

This is stupid. My biggest fear is she's going to over analyze my lyrics, and it's going to kick off a fight. It might be the fight to end all fights. She might reject me completely like she did when I was a kid. Or take jabs at it, cut one of my life's goals down. She came to all my concerts, but sulked around the lobby glaring at my dad, making jealous remarks about my teachers. At my biggest college recital, she didn't listen to the performance, but managed to tell me how my male professor were "undressing me with their eyes". She's already told me repeatedly I'm going to get kidnapped, sold into sex slavery and die on tour, and demanded I leave voice mail messages so when I *obviously* die, she's "have something to remember me by".

Just... UGH. "Your career choice will lead to your death by kidnapping." is the message I got growing up. How f'ed up is that?

Can someone just validate that this is the 'ghosts of crazy making' and I shouldn't be scared of her anymore?

13. "I accept that I have the right to be who I want to be and live the way I want to live."

[GeekyGirl]

This tells me that your mother is having a hard time with her own identity and is looking to find her identity through you or your music. It also sounds like you're trying to express yourself and your individuality through your music, which is a healthy thing to do.

I can understand why you're nervous about your mother reading into your lyrics and overanalyzing your music, but know that by making your music yours, you're doing something good for yourself. If your mother does hear your music and criticize it, how might you respond?  Would you be comfortable setting a boundary with your mother that makes it clear that the content of your music is highly personal and not something you're ok with debating? Have you read up on SET yet? That's a good way of communicating boundaries in a respectful way.

(Just... UGH. "Your career choice will lead to your death by kidnapping." is the message I got growing up. How f'ed up is that?

I know several musicians, artists, and very creative professionals who are alive, well, and thriving.

[GeekyGirl]

(Sorry I'm posting a lot, I just discovered this site as a place to vent. So many thoughts... .  )

There's a thread here that I think you should check out. While remembering is a big part of the healing process, what we need to do as survivors is look at how we remember and decide how we can use these memories to move past the abuse we've suffered in the past.

XL, I'd encourage you (and everyone else) to read this and add your thoughts: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=189733.0

[XL]

That is a good thread, thank you.

I actually feel like I'm fairly far along in this process. A while back I made a detailed list of everything that had gone seriously wrong, as validation, took some time to grieve and rage at my list, and think about it from an adult perspective. Then i deleted it. I rehashed some of the sentiments as songs.

I do catch myself ruminating on her. It think it's because the relationship is active, and there's always the potential for new weirdness.

Now I'm mostly digging the roots of subconscious behavior; why I can't sing loud, why I'm stalling on releasing art. Why I can finish a resume, but not send it. It's done, but there's that voice of criticism telling me not to hit send.  There's a good book called The Artists Way that I fall back on, if anyone else is struggling to find validation in the arts.

I think I want to make a response list. Like if she tells me I'm going to die on tour again, I'll have a preformed response waiting.

[XL]

Another thought; I don't want her to be proud of me.

She always followed up on rage attacks with a weepy "My kids are the best and only thing I've accomplished" speech. Which leaves me in a weird position. It's like I want to yell "No, you need to take accountability for that tantrum you just threw" while she's diffusing it with messages of love.

'Pride' is a tool she pulls out to absolve herself. So if she's ever proud of my art, I can't trust that as genuine. It also creeps me out that a sibling would hand her a CD of songs fueled by my life's grief, and she would enjoy that, not processing it's about her.



This is so bad, but as a young teen I thought this problem would be solved because I was convinced they were all going to off themselves. It seemed inevitable, because everyone was running around the house screaming they were about to. I think by 14 I'd reconciled I wasn't going to have parents at all as an adult. I collected celebrity heros who didn't have parents as role models, and that shaped my life. As an adult, that makes me immensely sad, that I was identifying with orphans as a roadmap as to how to handle adulthood.

[Clearmind]

Can someone just validate that this is the 'ghosts of crazy making' and I shouldn't be scared of her anymore?

13. "I accept that I have the right to be who I want to be and live the way I want to live."

Ah yes XL – I get it. I smoked all through my 20’s and never told my uBPDf.

The reason I never told him was fear – fear of a fall out – fear of him rejecting me AGAIN – just like he did when I was a child. Fear of disapproval – just like I felt as a child.

We cannot be abandoned as adults XL – like we could as children – this is old childhood conditioning that comes back to haunt us. We are now adults and along with that comes adult privileges – the right to choose what is best for us now.

Interestingly, I caught myself withholding from my father recently and you just reminded me – I have been taking singing lessons for 12 months – love it – my father is supportive which is wonderful – my singing teacher moved recently to just across the street from my father. My first reaction was – don’t tell Dad because I will feel obligated to go visit at 7pm every Thursday night after my lesson.

It didn’t take me long – 2 days – to realize what I was doing – I was acting like I would as if I were still a child. With that I called my father and said “guess what….my lessons are across the street from you”. I did not feel like I was fair game – I knew I could handle whatever came. Mind you I have been very actively setting boundaries with him for 18 months now – I advised that while I could drop in on the occasion I had things I needed to do.

I no longer feel obligated or fearful of his reaction – I know I can look after whatever is thrown – I have self worth.

She always followed up on rage attacks with a weepy "My kids are the best and only thing I've accomplished" speech. Which leaves me in a weird position. It's like I want to yell "No, you need to take accountability for that tantrum you just threw" while she's diffusing it with messages of love.

Yes! One fantastic way for her to be accountable is you be open about your choice and let her deal with her own fall out.

Her anger is projection – it’s not about you my friend.

'Pride' is a tool she pulls out to absolve herself. So if she's ever proud of my art, I can't trust that as genuine. It also creeps me out that a sibling would hand her a CD of songs fueled by my life's grief, and she would enjoy that, not processing it's about her.

What’s the worst that can happen?

[GeekyGirl]

Now I'm mostly digging the roots of subconscious behavior; why I can't sing loud, why I'm stalling on releasing art. Why I can finish a resume, but not send it. It's done, but there's that voice of criticism telling me not to hit send.  There's a good book called The Artists Way that I fall back on, if anyone else is struggling to find validation in the arts.

I can relate to this too. Early in my career, any sort of criticism or non-positive feedback made me feel threatened and worthless. It really held me back, in a way, because I couldn't work on improving--all I wanted to hear about was what I was already doing well. It gave me a false sense of security; if I wasn't told that something was wrong, it couldn't possibly be wrong, right?

I can't say that there was a definite A-HA! moment that changed me, but over the years I learned to trust people and understand that often criticism isn't intended to be cruel or hurtful; in fact, it's often meant to help. I had a few bosses and mentors (along with a good T) who gently showed me that by working on my strengths and opportunities, I can get better overall.

There's a difference, though, in criticism that's intended to harm, and the criticism that's intended to help, and Clearmind is right--your mother's criticism of your work is about her, not you. What you can do is keep expressing yourself and work on building up yourself. When you feel safe, you might find that some guidance from people you trust (perhaps music teachers or friends in HR familiar with resume writing) can help you grow and feel even better about yourself. 

[InaMinorRole]

I don't want to project my feelings onto you because you may feel completely different. But with me and the negative comments from my mother (when she was alive) remembering where she was coming from wasn't enough. Having been raised by her I have depression. When I manage to have something good happen in my life, or when I accomplish something to be proud of, I need to be able to focus on that. I really need to. This is important to my mental health. Having someone tear me down at those times is not something I should allow to happen. I don't know if you feel this way but if you do I think it's totally valid to not want your mom to have any part in your artistic endeavors.

As an aside, I have voice issues. I hate to talk or sing loudly. I have recurrent nightmares where I'm trying to scream something but the wind is ripping the sound right out of my mouth and nobody can hear me. These are left over from my years of having my real voice in things ripped away by an overbearing uHBPD alcoholic mom.

[XL]

As an aside, I have voice issues. I hate to talk or sing loudly. I have recurrent nightmares where I'm trying to scream something but the wind is ripping the sound right out of my mouth and nobody can hear me. These are left over from my years of having my real voice in things ripped away by an overbearing uHBPD alcoholic mom.

TOTALLY. I have very poor volume control. I usually mumble, to the point that it's an impediment. I don't mind being heard, I just don't want to be understood. I realize now that's another limiting coping mechanism. I also think I hear volume wrong, like I think I'm talking loud enough and no one else does. And it's not from hearing loss. I don't know if that's some kind of hardwired early childhood thing, but hundreds of people have chided me on it. I also have rare nightmares where I'm screaming and no one responds. Sometimes I wake up kicking the wall.

We had to sing in music school, and I was so phobic would have melt-downs in class. I've been working on this for a few years and have taken some classes. I'm proud of myself for trying, but even karaoke makes me uncomfortable.

I grew up with a lot of "I didn't say that". "You heard me wrong". "You take that back and apologize." "Your words are physically hurting me". "I should slap you for talking like that". "Your words are knives." (Mostly in response to standing my ground for reasonable expectations of behavior).

I am always prepared to backpedal or mumble my way out of my own feelings. Standing by my own opinions, loudly, in public, in a final lyric draft that can't be reframed is freaking me out. Once you commit to lyrics, they are done.

I identified with inspiring artists. I coped a lot by writing, and I am a strong lyricist. A few choice lyricists probably saved my life. They were the only adult voice in the room that had any reason, even if it was pre-recorded. I noticed a lot of the BPD literature mentions how a single validating adult can make or break a kid. I feel like I have to pay that forward. Maybe that's more important than my own fears.

[cieeciee]

Hi XL,

I feel like there are parts of your post I could have written. Some of the things your mother has said to you mine said to me. (If I traveled I would get killed for one).

In my case, I started writing and drawing when I was a child. I took art and creative writing classes throughout school and college. I left college and did other activities and became completely blocked from doing my own work. I was blocked for 20 years. I would start and stop and never share a word. I completely stopped drawing. I thought my creativity had no value and was worth nothing. I have only recently started getting my writing "voice" back. I had to clear away the years of shame and humiliation that my mother perpetrated on me so that I could value my creative work.

I have severed all ties with my mother and have finally, in therapy, learned to speak up. I literally froze in therapy not being able to use my authentic voice. I literally couldn't speak. I have PTSD and my T explained to me that this was a flashback to when, in my childhood, if I spoke my truth I would be annihilated by my mother.

Once I started being able to speak my real truth the shame around it started to go away and I was able to be creative again, slowly, but for me, it was the first time in two decades, so it was like a rebirth. I have learned that, for me, sharing my creativity was synonymous with expressing myself which was a matter of life or death in my childhood. If I expressed myself in the past I would be "killed" by my mother. Now I know that was her, not me, and she was wrong. Now I know that what I have to say has value and that I need to be heard. That I won't die if I say it or write it or draw it.

I have so much writing I never shared sitting on my computer. Now I know it's not important if it's good or bad. What is important is that it is shared--that my soul needs to be heard and seen and shared. Needless to say this can only be done, for now, with people I trust, who have earned the right to hear my work. I am releasing my work slowly but I am more motivated to be creative than at any point in my life -- even then when I was in college getting my BFA.

Good luck with your pursuits. I so can understand the dilemma you are in. It is so painful.

BTW, I also read the Artist's Way. It was very good.

[XL]

I have severed all ties with my mother and have finally, in therapy, learned to speak up. I literally froze in therapy not being able to use my authentic voice. I literally couldn't speak. I have PTSD and my T explained to me that this was a flashback to when, in my childhood, if I spoke my truth I would be annihilated by my mother.

God, I wish I had done that with my therapist. I had a similar experience, only it was with a narcissistic music teacher who locked me in a teaching studio for 4 HOURS under threat of failure until I "broke". Not entirely helpful.

That book was like a beacon of hope in college. It actually kind of got me started on this path of change in the first place.