Hi
How are you?
I´m feeling specially bad today. It´s cause by the LC with my BPDexbf. We see each day at work and he is trying to be friends with me - so it can´t be avoided.
It´s like I have an open wound and he is there to open it constantly.
One day he is charming, the following day he is a j****. Yesterday we were talking about nice things, having laughs and althought he used to mirror me and now he is mirroring a coworker, you can see how he is like. He´s stubborn and close-minded, I think that that keeps him away from being another person and showing his own; I started to think how awesome he is.
And also, I felt such a huge chemistry that I can´t feel with anyone else.
During the afternoon I got home and felt completely alone and lonely, I started to cry again.
I wrote him a message to the phone about a question of no importance and he didn´t answer. This morning he didn´t even say goodmorning, just talk to everyone except me.
It´s not the first time. It´s been like that a lot these weeks. And althought I know how this works, I can´t help but feeling that Im overcoming our past and then the following day admiring him and feeling more lonely than ever.
I wish I had a man that loved me the way I loved him and just decided to stay there for me. I am tired of feeling lonely.
I don´t get a connection with anyone, not even with my family and best friend. So miserable... .
I had a dream some days ago: I dreamed with two men that were important for me before I met my ex:
- one was a man from work. I thought he was interesting, a lot of character but funny and he could get together OK, so I was a bit interested. We used to flirt via FB but it didn´t turn out OK.
- the other was a coworker who was married so for me he was a friend. We had the same interests, the way I´ve never found before. Completely in the same wave. One day he said that he had broke up with his wife and started to date a friend, who was very nice and who shared no common interests with him. He pursued her without never talking to her before, he said that it was because he liked her looks - how beautiful and curvy she is and the way she dresses.
So I dreamt that I was writing on my computer and they were behind. I said: "Hey!" everyone wanted to say hi and wanted some attention from me again, they said they felt that I was not interested in them anymore and they needed to have some attention.
It´s me who needs attention, not them.
I need some
validation and some praises, I guess. It´s sad.
My ex was incapable of telling me that if he thought that I was pretty. I had to hear all his good words for all the girls and none for me. I want to be compensated.
