Any sucess after theropy for BPD

[cal644]

Has anyone ever had sucess after their pwBPD has sought theropy?  I know I've read alot about how pwBPD will try to come back or recycle a relationship.  My worry is that even if my UBPDW receives theropy will we be back in the same cycle - If that's the case I don't want to fall back into a one way relationship.  Her T has diagnoised her with PTSD, Extreme codepenancy, and I feel she knows about the BPD just from hints of what my wife has told me - however my wife is not aware of this yet as I think her T is being very slow and cautious in her process.  If they do find their true self, if they do forgive and move on from their past is there hope or will this be with them forever and 5-10 years down the road I will find myself in the same situation.

[LetItBe]

Yes, sometimes there are success stories.  You can read about some on the Staying Board.  Look at the top under "Success Stories."  

I reconnected with my uBPDbf about 7 weeks ago.  We've both worked a lot on ourselves, and things are going well.  Echoes of the past come up as there are triggers for us sometimes as we're rebuilding, but the key is that we handle what happens after those triggers occur very differently than before.  It's taken LOTS of mindfulness on both of our parts.  He's been in therapy consistently for 10 years.  I've also been in therapy, and I've learned a great deal on these boards about how to stop making things worse and about my part in how our relationship devolved the first time.  I do hope to be posting in "Success Stories" someday.  

I have a close friend who is a therapist and specializes in DBT and works with many pwBPD.  She has taught me that it is possible for pwBPD to heal and lead happy, fulfilling lives.  So can we.

[LetItBe]

I should also note that he broke up with me, and I requested NC after that.  I remained NC for 6 1/2 months while he reached out to me a few times.  I think that was a very important part of our growth process.  :)uring this time, he came to realize that his life was better with me in it, and he's said that is something the keeps him grounded now.  He also released his blame toward me, and I released my blame toward him (realizing it was BPD).  So, yes, forgiveness is possible.  He is able to catch himself when anger and fear arise, realize it's not about me, and therefore not act out in blame toward me like he used to.  Again, he has learned to become very mindful through lots of hard work. 

I realized over the last several months that he wasn't the only one with issues.  It definitely takes two to tango.  When challenges come up now, we don't sabotage our r/s with invalidation, judgment, and blame like we used to, so things don't become so enormously intense.  I am hopeful for us, and I'm hopeful for you and your r/s, too.

[cal644]

I'm glad you mentioned the time apart - for us it's been about 4 months and I think she realizes that she is not as happy and is sad and lonly without me - how well she did have it... I'm trying to give her some space - and when I do she starts texting - or yesterday called 7 times - I didn't answer one of those though... .  so maybe with more time things can improve.

[LetItBe]

I'm glad you mentioned the time apart - for us it's been about 4 months and I think she realizes that she is not as happy and is sad and lonly without me - how well she did have it... I'm trying to give her some space - and when I do she starts texting - or yesterday called 7 times - I didn't answer one of those though... .  so maybe with more time things can improve.

It's good to hear your wife is in therapy.  Slow and cautious is good when a T is building trust with a pwBPD.  My uBPDbf said it took a year before he even trusted his T.

The "space" issue is one we're still figuring out.  I'm learning not to take it personally when he withdraws a bit, and he's communicating better about what goes on for him when he does that.  He's also been very grateful that I've become more accepting and supportive of his need for space.  Things are so much better when I "gently insert space" from time to time (thanks to patientandclear for this advice).  It's one of the most loving gifts we can give them -- and ourselves -- sometimes.

[Mind]

I saw a slight improvement last summer and I thought we were heading in the right direction. I really hoped and tried.  Until another stressor arrived for him.  He stopped therapy during his surgery preparations and after.  His behavior intensified and  got worse. 

I really don't think he could handle being honest and seeing his true self in front of a professional. I say this because I felt that way the time I attended a session with him. I only went to one and I am sure he felt threatened that I was there. I could tell by his face expressions and body language.  I also felt he was continuing to fight me.  He never once fought FOR me. Ever.   

[cal644]

I did attend one marriage counciling session with my wife - that's all she would do.  I had a similar experience as you. she faced away from me - looked at the wall the whole time, wouldn't speak - her body language and attitude told it all.

[Clearmind]

Success is possible - it requires individual therapy for the Borderline and the other partner - the 'non'. You each need to work on healing independent of each other --- to help better the relationship.

Couples counselling often does not work - its an invalidating environment for the Borderline and for you.