Tomorrow is my birthday... blew up last night

[HarmKrakow]

I totally get it, been there. I went through a bout of deep depression 2 years ago. It lasted about 3 months, everything you describe is how I felt. I got up, went to work, cried at work (I work alone a lot so that helped) and I cried when I got home. It was awful.

So yeah, I do see a T and he helps. I've been through the tests and he said all was okay

When we are going through all of this things can change. I'm not sure what "all the tests" means however your description of what you're feeling right now is not "all is okay." I would encourage you to make a call to him and let him know how you're feeling right now to see if he may suggest looking into meds to help you through the rough patches. Or maybe he just needs to see you more often.

Here's the hard part. I had to force myself do something. Make myself go for a walk, or call a friend, etc... even if I cried the whole time my friend visited me. (that happened, and that's ok) Can you call a friend or family member just to get out for a bit, or take a walk?

I agree, i am not fine. It's not normal for a healthy adult man to cry so much, so often. Uncontrollably. So far I only have temazepam, a med to get rhytmn in my sleeping patterns again.

The tests were about the question, is it me? Am I causing all this pain? What am I doing wrong? And yeah, I have to force myself as well. I ran this morning, my only achievement this entire weekend. I ran 10km, thats all I did this weekend besides lying in bed :/. In regards of seeing the T more often, i'm trying my best, but my next appointment is not until the 18th of March. I have 1 friend who occasionally calls me and i've been there last week to sleep over. Also there, it was just uncontrollable crying. They made food for me and I slept there over night, and they have been real nice but of course, for them also a bit of a shocker. I get triggered by the smallest thing about life, future, r/s. etc.

Family members is a bit of an issue, don't have contact with them. Long story short, don't have the best connection with them, however, was invited to go there and try to rebond a bit, and ofc. I did that with bringing my ex BPD gf. Finally it seemed to be a bit going better, but now 'this is gone' and a re-bonding schedule with them is further away than possible.

Other than that I unfortunately pushed away a few friendships during this r/s purely to show her in the last few months that she is my nr. 1 and that she doesn't have to worry i would go away. And therefore I'm spending my weekends on my own.

[HarmKrakow]

Harmkrakow, here's what I see from what you've said. You always had distractions before. Emotions don't have a time limit. When we don't "deal" with them they sit and wait. (sometimes just under the surface) Something happens, we become stressed, and bam we are triggered, an old emotion comes out to the forefront. It sounds as though you are "feeling" those. The crying, it hurts, it sucks, but it's a healthy part of your recovery. You are grieving and this is what grieving feels like. It will change, emotions are fluid, once it flows through you, you will be on the other side. It will get better. 

I'm glad to hear you are running. Will you talk with your T about this?

Yes I will! I'll promise I do want to continue, I do want to go further, but especially those weekends are killing.

And yeah, I guess you are right. The grieving is part of recovery. Unfortunately I don't have anyone to share it with, making the emotions a tad stronger. I never expected from myself to 'sink so low'. People always saw me as an example, fighting power. Will power, success. I don't have any of them at the moment. I don't remember the feeling anymore. And above all, I know I am to frantically searching for a solution. I want to get better, preferably soon. But yeah, I know doing things overhastily, whether that is rebounds or anything else, it will make the scar deeper and therefore what do I do? I close myself off. And when it's to much, I go read here a bit.

And yes, i'm triggered by the smallest things. Last Friday at work 2 colleagues are moving to a different firm and they were playing the song; 'a real goodbye doesnt' exist'. Man oh man ... And yeah, then I know, I can go binge drinking (I don't do that, nor do I do drugs, smoke or drink regularly. None of that). But yeah, the temptation, the pure temptation to get wasted and forget stuff was to big and I bought a bottle of vodka and got myself smashed to fall asleep. Day after I went for sleeping pills, realizing this drinking ~ isn't any solution either. Seriously, it feel's like murphy's law, and the fact that you can't share the littlest thing as that your neighbour has new hair with anybody, (not that i find that a necessity) is such a pain. Brr...

and because all I did the last months was trying to save something with all my power which couldn't be saved you wonder if you can ever get anything again in your life.

[Leaf]

I already know I'm a better man in every aspect than the replacement. I doubt she's truly happy and I bet deep down she knows she really screwed up but just doesn't know how to fix it now, not sure she ever could to be honest.

For me this is hard to believe for myself as I think, I am not better. Why? Because I tried all I could for months and it was never enough, every day giving more caused more distance. And ofcourse the bucket of ~ which went over my head as the constant words, it's not enough, it's not doing it ... I don't feel secure harm.

It's never enough for them. They ask for your left eye to prove you love them. Then it's time for the next love/control test and they ask for your right eye. And then they get angry because you spilled the milk. And on top of that they despise you because you were so stupid that you gave up both your eyes for them. You can never win. Has nothing to do with you. As Afterdeath says, he will be a tough act to follow for the next guy and you will be a tough act to follow for the next guy. If you tried so hard and couldn't keep her satisfied no one can.

[Suzn]

It is very normal for a human to cry. Male or female. Especially when there is a lot bottled up, been held back, etc...

And your only accomplishment for today was a 10k run? Are you kidding? I had to look up how far 10k was.    6.2 miles. Dude, when i was feeling this way a 1k was out of the question. That is quite an accomplishment, sorry, I'm not making light of this but it is.

Not having a connection with your family probably has a ton to do with these emotions finally taking over. They will do that, when ignored long enough. Your mind and body is telling you something here. You need your rest, and you need this time of grief.

Why is reaching out to your family an issue?

[HarmKrakow]

It is very normal for a human to cry. Male or female. Especially when there is a lot bottled up, been held back, etc...

And your only accomplishment for today was a 10k run? Are you kidding? I had to look up how far 10k was.    6.2 miles. Dude, when i was feeling this way a 1k was out of the question. That is quite an accomplishment, sorry, I'm not making light of this but it is.

Not having a connection with your family probably has a ton to do with these emotions finally taking over. They will do that, when ignored long enough. Your mind and body is telling you something here. You need your rest, and you need this time of grief.

Why is reaching out to your family an issue?

Thanks What you told me in regards of my 10km run made me re-think my run and I guess you are right. There have been times I wasn't capable of doing so, and now without issue I can run 10km without any fysical pain or anything else in a relatively good pace. Unfortunately I also see it as chasing a high (endorphines) which will lower again the moment I go back home, take a shower and get back in bed.

[afterdeath]

It is very normal for a human to cry. Male or female. Especially when there is a lot bottled up, been held back, etc...

And your only accomplishment for today was a 10k run? Are you kidding? I had to look up how far 10k was.    6.2 miles. Dude, when i was feeling this way a 1k was out of the question. That is quite an accomplishment, sorry, I'm not making light of this but it is.

Not having a connection with your family probably has a ton to do with these emotions finally taking over. They will do that, when ignored long enough. Your mind and body is telling you something here. You need your rest, and you need this time of grief.

Why is reaching out to your family an issue?

I was going to say harm I'm a runner a well and a 10K is not something to be taken lightly as not every one can accomplish this even if they want to. You are a runner so that alone tells me how mentally strong and persistent you are, both good traits.

I am actually starting my running regimen back up tomorrow for my yearly race near memorial day, I did the ten last year but I'm switching back to the 5 this year, I hardly ever run a 10k...

That actually is a goal for me, get back in to running and set a personal record at the race this year, running used to really mellow me out so I'm hoping it helps again.

I took a running hiatus because I wasn't mentally strong enough to run without obsessing over her. Now I will use her as fuel to push myself.

You have the same traits as me, you are too hard on yourself. I guarantee it was not you at all, but if you're anything like me you took the whole burden on your shoulders to make her happy as she did you. We are not meant to be sources of a persons happiness, they should be happy with themselves to begin with then we are just a pleasant addition.

I tried saving it too because I think I'm superman with a God complex: if any one can do it, I can.

I tried a well to no avail, they are simply too fickle, one day she loves me and I'm the one the next I can't please her and everything I do is wrong and is all my fault.

She craved new attention and has object constancy, she simply fell for whoever was closest and is always in site, that's why she fell for me in college and rebounded to me after split with baby daddy and that's why she replaced me with some one she works with. She has a horrible track record for dating people she works with. It's who us closest right here right now.

Nothing to do with us.

If you ever need to vent you can message me or do what I do, vent here and these genuine educated kind people will help you.

It hurts I know, you're maybe two months behind me in your journey, it gets better, I only get triggered because of holidays now and certain dates coming up.

Wish I could say the love feeling returns but I'm still empty as far as that goes.

Oh, and it's fine to cry! Real men aren't afraid of emotions. Let it out, it is ridiculous that we have to cry so much but it's more ridiculous to not let it out. We are grieving a death. people telling you any different are ignorant and have no way to relate to you.

It is ok to feel, you are normal, be more worried if you were able to just move on.

I bet BPD people would make excellent soldiers, the perfect killing machines as they could kill and easily walk away feeling nothing.

Anytime you need us, we're here.

[HarmKrakow]

It is very normal for a human to cry. Male or female. Especially when there is a lot bottled up, been held back, etc...

And your only accomplishment for today was a 10k run? Are you kidding? I had to look up how far 10k was.    6.2 miles. Dude, when i was feeling this way a 1k was out of the question. That is quite an accomplishment, sorry, I'm not making light of this but it is.

Not having a connection with your family probably has a ton to do with these emotions finally taking over. They will do that, when ignored long enough. Your mind and body is telling you something here. You need your rest, and you need this time of grief.

Why is reaching out to your family an issue?

I was going to say harm I'm a runner a well and a 10K is not something to be taken lightly as not every one can accomplish this even if they want to. You are a runner so that alone tells me how mentally strong and persistent you are, both good traits.

I am actually starting my running regimen back up tomorrow for my yearly race near memorial day, I did the ten last year but I'm switching back to the 5 this year, I hardly ever run a 10k...

That actually is a goal for me, get back in to running and set a personal record at the race this year, running used to really mellow me out so I'm hoping it helps again.

I took a running hiatus because I wasn't mentally strong enough to run without obsessing over her. Now I will use her as fuel to push myself.

You have the same traits as me, you are too hard on yourself. I guarantee it was not you at all, but if you're anything like me you took the whole burden on your shoulders to make her happy as she did you. We are not meant to be sources of a persons happiness, they should be happy with themselves to begin with then we are just a pleasant addition.

I tried saving it too because I think I'm superman with a God complex: if any one can do it, I can.

I tried a well to no avail, they are simply too fickle, one day she loves me and I'm the one the next I can't please her and everything I do is wrong and is all my fault.

She craved new attention and has object constancy, she simply fell for whoever was closest and is always in site, that's why she fell for me in college and rebounded to me after split with baby daddy and that's why she replaced me with some one she works with. She has a horrible track record for dating people she works with. It's who us closest right here right now.

Nothing to do with us.

If you ever need to vent you can message me or do what I do, vent here and these genuine educated kind people will help you.

It hurts I know, you're maybe two months behind me in your journey, it gets better, I only get triggered because of holidays now and certain dates coming up.

Wish I could say the love feeling returns but I'm still empty as far as that goes.

Oh, and it's fine to cry! Real men aren't afraid of emotions. Let it out, it is ridiculous that we have to cry so much but it's more ridiculous to not let it out. We are grieving a death. people telling you any different are ignorant and have no way to relate to you.

It is ok to feel, you are normal, be more worried if you were able to just move on.

I bet BPD people would make excellent soldiers, the perfect killing machines as they could kill and easily walk away feeling nothing.

Anytime you need us, we're here.

Cheers One of the other reasons I run or atleast work out is also because I don't want to slip in like a burn out, or gain weight or lose 'power'.

In regards of crying. I was never allowed to cry when I was with her. She first of all told me it pushed her more away from me if I started crying and second she constantly told me that I didn't have any reasons to cry. And when she said something like, why don't you seek a new gf? And I told her, I rather stay with you although she saw me struggling saying that, i remember the 'ooh you gonna cry?" (insert the wink wink movement with the hands in the eyes).

Neither was I allowed to bring up good memories between her and me. Stop doing that is what she told me.

In regards of running and targets. I try it, however, I do remember the failed attempts of running together with my ex, as she also wanted to do it. When I run now, ofcourse when you get in the zone, you can run longer and it feels good, but to me it also feels like a sugar rush. It's like, chasing a high but not something constructive. I know, I sound to hard on me again, but I woke up this morning, felt okay, went for a run, felt better, got home took a shower, didn't know what to do went back to bed and had eventually one of the worst days in a long long time...   :'(

[afterdeath]

This is all ok Harm.

The fact that she wanted to join you in running shows how she wanted to be you. I know this because my ex also decided she was going to start running too. When i first met her she said she'd never run, especially with me. Anyway she started running with me and would always tell me to go ahead and go on, i never did because i became fairly out of shape and the pace was fine for me and i was taught never to leave girls running alone. Plus i just wanted to be with her, i think she felt ashamed of her shape compared to me.

Anyway she kept with it, and she even ran a few races with me, she seemed to enjoy it as it made her feel good too (runners high?) that and people at running events are just nice encouraging people and it's always a positive environment.

She wanted to beat her sister who ran too... .  she ran a race or two with her.

THEN, i had to work one day she wanted to do a race... so she ran with my replacement and her office mate -_-; ... .   

She praised them for staying by her the whole time... .  

yet she'd tell me to go on, in one race where i got 3rd overall she was mad because  i didnt run with her even though i ran back after i was done and took the stroller from her sister as they ran off to finish the race.

Anyway... .  Yes we get a runners high... .  but that's the point, and this is a constructive positive high, not like a drug high which is negative. We should feel good after we run because we just busted our butt and ran through the challenge of pain and wanting to stop.

I digress. I'm not sure if she's still working out/running, from the last picture i saw of her, her arms seem to be really skinny in her coat, she had kind of muscular arms, so she looked like she'd lost weight, looked a little sick too to be honest.

With the highs are going to come the crashing lows, this i know... i flipped out the night before my birthday, felt great on my birthday, and then flipped the day after because i was disapointed that even though ALL these people sent me birthday wishes, it did not trump the ONE person that didnt. Thus while i probably slept 12 hours last night.

I get you brother.   ... Do not give up running as it has been one of the most positive things in my life and am kind of excited to get back in to it tomorrow even though i know it'll suck at first. Don't let her take that away.

I got a new pair of running shoes because the only other ones i have were the ones she bought me for a birthday present so they remind me of her ... .  Everything reminds me of her. I really get it.

This was the video i was referring to earlier: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aDhfTGkLTg

That is me every single day... .  every single waking moment... .  

[waverider]

In regards of running and targets. I try it, however, I do remember the failed attempts of running together with my ex, as she also wanted to do it. When I run now, ofcourse when you get in the zone, you can run longer and it feels good, but to me it also feels like a sugar rush. It's like, chasing a high but not something constructive. I know, I sound to hard on me again, but I woke up this morning, felt okay, went for a run, felt better, got home took a shower, didn't know what to do went back to bed and had eventually one of the worst days in a long long time...   :'(

This part of the recovery, extremes of compensation/substition followed by extreme emptiness when the distraction is over and the reality creeps back in. This is normal expect this, stability will take a while to achieve but it will, this is where Acceptance type of therapy is (search ACT if you want to follow that path).

Dont try to avoid or deny the bad moments, see them for what they are, recognize they just are, and they pass in due course. Dont worry about moving on to rebound relationships, they are doomed to failure as your heart is not in the right place yet and it will show, the result further undermining your confidence.

Just immerse yourself in simple pleasures and activities, just to make sure your life schedule is not empty. New direction and focus will slowly creep back in due time.

Life is made up of many stories, not all of them with happy ever afters, this one has to run its course before the next one can begin

[LuckyEscapee]

I ran this morning, my only achievement this entire weekend. I ran 10km, thats all I did this weekend besides lying in bed :/.

are you kidding 

All I had to do this weekend was a couple of much needed workouts (I've promised myself I would increase my fitness) but my laziness bit hard instead. I had to drag myself to do anything yet I would say I am healing well. I cannot even blame the BPD effect

Stick with your running HarmKrakow, that is an achievement 

[HarmKrakow]

This is all ok Harm.

The fact that she wanted to join you in running shows how she wanted to be you. I know this because my ex also decided she was going to start running too. When i first met her she said she'd never run, especially with me. Anyway she started running with me and would always tell me to go ahead and go on, i never did because i became fairly out of shape and the pace was fine for me and i was taught never to leave girls running alone. Plus i just wanted to be with her, i think she felt ashamed of her shape compared to me.

My ex told me the exact same thing... Go ahead and go on...

Anyway she kept with it, and she even ran a few races with me, she seemed to enjoy it as it made her feel good too (runners high?) that and people at running events are just nice encouraging people and it's always a positive environment.

She wanted to beat her sister who ran too... .  she ran a race or two with her.

THEN, i had to work one day she wanted to do a race... so she ran with my replacement and her office mate -_-; ... .   

She praised them for staying by her the whole time... .  

yet she'd tell me to go on, in one race where i got 3rd overall she was mad because  i didnt run with her even though i ran back after i was done and took the stroller from her sister as they ran off to finish the race.

Anyway... .  Yes we get a runners high... .  but that's the point, and this is a constructive positive high, not like a drug high which is negative. We should feel good after we run because we just busted our butt and ran through the challenge of pain and wanting to stop.

I digress. I'm not sure if she's still working out/running, from the last picture i saw of her, her arms seem to be really skinny in her coat, she had kind of muscular arms, so she looked like she'd lost weight, looked a little sick too to be honest.

With the highs are going to come the crashing lows, this i know... i flipped out the night before my birthday, felt great on my birthday, and then flipped the day after because i was disapointed that even though ALL these people sent me birthday wishes, it did not trump the ONE person that didnt. Thus while i probably slept 12 hours last night.

I get you brother.   ... Do not give up running as it has been one of the most positive things in my life and am kind of excited to get back in to it tomorrow even though i know it'll suck at first. Don't let her take that away.

I got a new pair of running shoes because the only other ones i have were the ones she bought me for a birthday present so they remind me of her ... .  Everything reminds me of her. I really get it.

This was the video i was referring to earlier: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aDhfTGkLTg

That is me every single day... .  every single waking moment... .  

I won't give up running, as i'm actually fairly in shape from a physique point of view, but yeah, for example, I can't run without music. I can't, i just can't...

And it will be like chasing a high, feeling awesome when running and getting home and getting struck by complete sole emptiness. A friend told me last wednesday, Harm keep the doors open which have the boogeyman behind it. Because if you keep closing them every time you open them, it will only last longer. Don't run away, start facing it, it will hurt, but you will have to go through it. The way I do it is close everything, lock everything, put a fridge in front of it and pretend it's not there. 

[HarmKrakow]

In regards of running and targets. I try it, however, I do remember the failed attempts of running together with my ex, as she also wanted to do it. When I run now, ofcourse when you get in the zone, you can run longer and it feels good, but to me it also feels like a sugar rush. It's like, chasing a high but not something constructive. I know, I sound to hard on me again, but I woke up this morning, felt okay, went for a run, felt better, got home took a shower, didn't know what to do went back to bed and had eventually one of the worst days in a long long time...   :'(

This part of the recovery, extremes of compensation/substition followed by extreme emptiness when the distraction is over and the reality creeps back in. This is normal expect this, stability will take a while to achieve but it will, this is where Acceptance type of therapy is (search ACT if you want to follow that path).

Dont try to avoid or deny the bad moments, see them for what they are, recognize they just are, and they pass in due course. Dont worry about moving on to rebound relationships, they are doomed to failure as your heart is not in the right place yet and it will show, the result further undermining your confidence.

Just immerse yourself in simple pleasures and activities, just to make sure your life schedule is not empty. New direction and focus will slowly creep back in due time.

Life is made up of many stories, not all of them with happy ever afters, this one has to run its course before the next one can begin

Why is it like this, that mankind as of today is so frantically searching for solutions, more as in like 24h cures? I do agree that I work in the wrong sector (finance) where they have quite a cold/shallow attitude of performance and sick leave, let alone showing emotions (boohoo) is something not particularly accepted. I shouldn't be in this situation and I regret that I got myself into this mess. Sept. 2011 I was working for a top firm and finished top of my class. Now i'm not even the shadow of what I once was. I've cried more than I ever did in my entire life the last few months, lost weight, slept ~.

And you know what in regards of simple pleasures and activities? She was a true and good copier of what I did. I can't drink the drinks I always drank due to the fact that she started to like it to, I can't shop at the same supermarket anymore, nor eat the same dinners we had. Or watch the TV shows I liked or movies or even a simple thing as going to cinema...

I keep repeating Sept. 2011 as that was a point where I could genuinely say; I feel happy. Gawly moses, It feels further away than ever.

[Suzn]

Harm you've attached emotion to these objects, these things you liked. This is pretty common. Give it time, feeling this way about "things or objects or places" because of your ex means you are not detached yet. When you become fully detached you will be able to enjoy them again. Hang in there, this is going to change.

[HarmKrakow]

I agree. I'm working on this with my T in regards of cognitive therapy. 1) Something happens, I see something for example. Then rather going to step 2) and think(!) I go to step 3) and attach an emotion to it. So far it works, but it works only when I’m already at step 3. I do like this sort of therapy though, it’s disecting the thought of thinking, and I don’t want to do anything else than to disect it in steps and get rid of the ‘steps’which cause me to break down.

[afterdeath]

So, tried to run today harm!... .  yeah... got about... 100 yards turned around and went home... .  still WAY TOO COLD... .  i was numb within seconds... stupid weather... .  it did feel refreshing though as i feel i would've been able to keep going and not totally out of shape...

After that i had to travel to her town for work purposes... .  i like to call it: setback city

i absolutely hate that city now with a passion just because of her.


Anyway, she was of course in my dreams lastnight and today i'm suffering duality as if she's with me still or she's returning very soon... .  I have a really eerie gut feeling that are going to return very very soon. As it approaches i can feel myself get worse, I want to be prepared for it but it's like krypronite.

Today's a bad day for me i suppose as i literally failed to do what i had set out to do. At least you can finish your runs.

I'm really losing faithe in all love forever, i have sparking moments where i'm fine with being alone forever, then i get very sad that she's no longer with me.

I've been cracking and I've talked a lot about her the last few days as my friends/colleagues seem to be finally receiving my words, they are all as stunned as me as i describe how we were such great friends and great lovers... the one woman even quoted: "yeah what happened i thought you two were really happy then all of the sudden it's over".

These still don't help in the end to bring her back. I was just pondering today whether or not I should send a birthday card to daughter (I'd send it to my ex's mom who thinks highly of me and actually disagrees with her daughter, and tell her to give to her daughter's daughter)

I just want her to know Daddy hasn't stopped loving her... .  he's just "stuck at work" indefinitely, and sorry he never made it back home.  :'(

Haven't decided if this would be inappropriate or not. Her birthday is in June. It will have been... .  almost 9 months i think since I've last seen them at that point.

I'm sure her mom would keep it a secret but again i should probably just let go i suppose... .  easier said than done to mourn the loss of not only my love of my ex, but her daughter as well that was considered my daughter (step daddy but i was there since she was 3 months old until 2.5 years old raising her).

So, today I am very torn, and feeling weak.

[HarmKrakow]

So, tried to run today harm!... .  yeah... got about... 100 yards turned around and went home... .  still WAY TOO COLD... .  i was numb within seconds... stupid weather... .  it did feel refreshing though as i feel i would've been able to keep going and not totally out of shape...

After that i had to travel to her town for work purposes... .  i like to call it: setback city

i absolutely hate that city now with a passion just because of her.


Anyway, she was of course in my dreams lastnight and today i'm suffering duality as if she's with me still or she's returning very soon... .  I have a really eerie gut feeling that are going to return very very soon. As it approaches i can feel myself get worse, I want to be prepared for it but it's like krypronite.

Today's a bad day for me i suppose as i literally failed to do what i had set out to do. At least you can finish your runs.

I'm really losing faithe in all love forever, i have sparking moments where i'm fine with being alone forever, then i get very sad that she's no longer with me.

I've been cracking and I've talked a lot about her the last few days as my friends/colleagues seem to be finally receiving my words, they are all as stunned as me as i describe how we were such great friends and great lovers... the one woman even quoted: "yeah what happened i thought you two were really happy then all of the sudden it's over".

These still don't help in the end to bring her back. I was just pondering today whether or not I should send a birthday card to daughter (I'd send it to my ex's mom who thinks highly of me and actually disagrees with her daughter, and tell her to give to her daughter's daughter)

I just want her to know Daddy hasn't stopped loving her... .  he's just "stuck at work" indefinitely, and sorry he never made it back home.  :'(

Haven't decided if this would be inappropriate or not. Her birthday is in June. It will have been... .  almost 9 months i think since I've last seen them at that point.

I'm sure her mom would keep it a secret but again i should probably just let go i suppose... .  easier said than done to mourn the loss of not only my love of my ex, but her daughter as well that was considered my daughter (step daddy but i was there since she was 3 months old until 2.5 years old raising her).

So, today I am very torn, and feeling weak.

Well done on trying to run . Seriously. The talking about her, recollection of memories, all that feels good the moment you unleash it, but stings the moment you go home as the emptiness hits again.

I so know the feeling between having okay moments and getting ~ moments again. It sucks, big time. My boss told me yesterday night at work that its good that the ties are cut and she hopes to see a bit again. I told her with my gut, no idea if he still exists.

In regards of the daughter, she has not the age to understand the problems and by the time she does, i'm sure her mother has told her ... .  Her! Truth

[afterdeath]

Do you think I'd be inappropriate to send the birthday card?

[Newton]

my friend... .  I have had a short break from here... .  but have been checking on your posts.

I find it difficult to comment on the pain you are feeling regarding your step daughter... .  that is not a loss I have had to endure... .  

The card is a lovely sentiment... .  sending it will probably receive no response (painful for you)... .  or chaos (painful for you)... .  

Perhaps buy a pretty little box and put things in there like this card when you need to?... .  If/when she seeks you out in the future... .  imagine how validating that would be for her to see how much you thought about her! 

[afterdeath]

my friend... .  I have had a short break from here... .  but have been checking on your posts.

I find it difficult to comment on the pain you are feeling regarding your step daughter... .  that is not a loss I have had to endure... .  

The card is a lovely sentiment... .  sending it will probably receive no response (painful for you)... .  or chaos (painful for you)... .  

Perhaps buy a pretty little box and put things in there like this card when you need to?... .  If/when she seeks you out in the future... .  imagine how validating that would be for her to see how much you thought about her! 

Heck of an idea Newton. I think I'll do that. In a way I just want her to know daddy never stopped loving her or thinking about her but you're probably right that I need to keep these things to myself unless contacted first as much as it hurts. I really miss being a daddy. Wish I could describe how powerless it makes you feel to be stripped of that after you really committed no foul.

Well other than Easter no holidays for a while, so should be smooth sailing for a little but. I'm really happy with the fact that I've got my physique back, and may get in the best shape of my life physically. It makes me feel good to work hard and see my efforts pay off.

I'm not going to worry about dating for a while ass I see it's pointless to try until I'm fully over this, and that is okay to not be okay right now. I am however scared to even try again, there are so many heart wrenching stories out there now of divorce and splitting families up and infidelity that it's just more risk than I'm willing to take any more after I thought I snagged the prefect one.

I often joke I'll be like the cartoons where the rich guys sit in their study by a fire with their rich robes and monocles sipping champagne watching their stock dials.this may not be far from the truth for me now.

I'm only 25 but I just can't see starting a new relationship with some one else to try and start another family again only to fear of having it all fall apart and be taken away again.

Maybe I'll be like the 35 year old replacement and rip some poor sucker off of his much younger fiance.

No, Nevermind, I won't be like that at all, I'm already better than that and by that age I'll be even better.

She's really missing out on me.

[Suzn]

Afterdeath I know exavtly how you feel about being stripped of the daddy role. Its an identity. I went through this with my breakup, that's who I was. The other parent and the one who gave some stability. It was the hardest thing I've ever done walking away from the children. Seriously, after 5 years of intensity I had to figure out who I was again and what my new purpose was. It's been over two years now since I've seen them and I still think of them now and then. It get's easier in time. You know you love your daughter and thats what matters.

[afterdeath]

Afterdeath I know exavtly how you feel about being stripped of the daddy role. Its an identity. I went through this with my breakup, that's who I was. The other parent and the one who gave some stability. It was the hardest thing I've ever done walking away from the children. Seriously, after 5 years of intensity I had to figure out who I was again and what my new purpose was. It's been over two years now since I've seen them and I still think of them now and then. It get's easier in time. You know you love your daughter and thats what matters.

Thank you that helps me. If I could fight for her I would. I just hope some day she knows of the man that wanted to be in her life and loved her very much and did not choose to walk away but was forcefully pushed away, I don't ever want her to think I was some dead beat that didn't love her.

And yes daddy was my new identity and they were my purpose in life. Not sue if it falls under codependency or just trying to be the best dad I could be.

No longer daddy has left me questioning just who the hell I really am now then.