I blew it

[Mara2]

This has been a rough couple weeks.  DH decided to detox from pain meds and now everything gets blamed on the withdrawl symptoms.  I'm afraid that last night I really blew it.  I have been learning and practicing what I read here and what my T has taught me, but last night I lost it. 

I already knew  (and so did the kids) that he was frustrated and all he needed was a trigger.  He tried to get our daughter to say why she was crying, which only made it worse for her because dhe knew if she answered she would be in for a lecture, so she said "I don't know." He stomped off and kicked his shoe up into the air in anger.  Me, in my most un-empathetic voice said "Oh, for Pete's sake" since I thought here we go again and I was just so sick and tired of all the drama.  He started yelling at me that I was escalating things, that I had lambasted him in front of the kids, if only I could see what was really going on, I should give him accolades for not resoponding worse... .  

I decided the best thing was to disengage, but he followed accusing me of running away and it was always him that had to chase me down to fix things that I don't care, I have no passion, no empathy, too much pride... .  

I seriously JADED.  I started yelling at him that my patience was gone, I have no more time for this.  Then he goes into victim mode to complain how hard this withdrawl is and he is all alone and no body cares and, and and. 

Now I feel pretty terrible.  I did apologise, and so did he, but I am left with a bad taste and really no patience.  It is so hard NOT to JADE when he accuses me of the same things over and over that are so untrue.  Do I just ignore that?  How do you confront untruth without JADEing?  Especially when he wants you to validate an improper behavior?

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[LetItBe]

How do you confront untruth without JADEing?  Especially when he wants you to validate an improper behavior?

Oh, Mara, that sounds so hard.  I think we're all learning here, and we're all going to make mistakes along the way.  I made one that I know of last night.  I'm sure I made more I don't even realize.  We are human.

If I understand correctly, we validate feelings, not bad behavior.  I'm looking forward to reading more from someone with more experience with this.

As far as confronting untruths, what about using SET?  Then, you could make the Truth a bit more palatable to him by using Support and Empathy statements first.

It sounds like you guys are recovering from last night.  I'm glad.

[Rockylove]

It is so hard NOT to JADE when he accuses me of the same things over and over that are so untrue.  Do I just ignore that?  How do you confront untruth without JADEing?  Especially when he wants you to validate an improper behavior?

I'm in the same boat.  There is one thing that my bf will continue to harp on even though the incident happened over a year and a half ago.  He feels that I am judging him so consequently he has made a very harsh judgment of my character which disturbs me greatly.  He will not get beyond the words that I used and he'll NEVER understand that I'm not passing judgment on him.  He brings it up often enough that I want to scream!  He knows that it's a button for me and he uses it so I suppose my job is to desensitize myself to the remarks~~I have to let it roll or he'll keep using it.

He's so black and white about the language that I use and I can never alter or adjust what I say... .  once it's out there it's written in stone (exactly as he perceives it) and there's no back peddling.  He always says that I should choose my words more carefully~~yeah, like he does that when he's angry.  I know that I'm not a liar and I can do nothing to stop him from thinking that I am so I just have to live with it.  It still leaves me scratching my head thinking how does someone love a person whose word they can't trust among all the other negative things he's said about me? (I wrote them all down to change them to affirmations for myself)

[laelle]

Actually, from what you say, it wasnt so bad.  If it was, no way in heck would he have apologized.  No way would he turn the blame on himself (his withdrawl) It sounds like he does have a conscious.  Good for you.  There is a difference between voicing your opinion, wants, needs and JADEing.  There is a fine line between the two and its hard to find the sweet spot.  Its important that when you blow up that its at something not him.  Like you said, you have no patience for yelling at eachother.  It ends badly when we do.  I dont want that.  Its not perfect, but might work on the fly. I dont tend to JADE, but I stay silent unable to speak

Dont beat yourself up about it.  Its a work in progress.  

[Mara2]

Thank you for your responses.  We talked again last night and he insisted that I "pat him on the back" for his behavior- even when I told him that I agree our daughter's response was frustrating- he wanted me to validate his behavior specifically.  I did tell him it was better than before and witheld telling him it was like stealing only a little so that was OK.  Oh, I wanted to!  Now he is depressed and moping around, smoking a lot and taking his anxiety meds and showing them to me so I will feel sorry for him. 

He is also hammering away at me to go to therapy so he will not be the only problem.  My sessions ended when the insurance demanded a medical reason for it and there is none.  My T tried to get them to reconsider, but no.  We cannot afford it on our own, so I am on my own (with you guys!).  DH can't believe there is no reason for me not to go- there must be something wrong with me. 

I read about the drama triangle yesterday and I realised that his triggers are usually about not being allowed to be the rescuer.  If he is blocked he will immediately go into persecuter role and then bounce back and forth between victim and persecuter so fast it makes your head spin.  Today I am trying my best to stay in the middle.