Fear that she will be normal with the next guy

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This dreadful fear has come over me that my uBPD ex will be completely normal with the next guy she is with... .  that I was the only one who suffered... .  and one will believe me unless they know both me and her (of which there are only a couple of people in this world).

just over 5 weeks I had a fight with my ex. I did not even know it was a fight! But the very next day she went out on a date with some guy she met on a matrimonial site. I found out about that a day a later when her coworkers posted on facebook how happy they are for her and how she found a keeper who is tall, dark, handsome with a new 2013 Audi. It made me sick to my stomach to know she did that, and to find out that way.

For a short background... .  she broke up with in spring 2006... .  and then contacted me in late 2010. she broke up again in august 2011... .  and since then we have had so many recyles that I am never sure if we are together or broken up. I just go by her words. If she is angry she says "I broke up with you a long time back". If she is not angry her words are "I love you and can't ever imagine myself with anyone else". Over Christmas we had gotten back together, even a couple of days before our fight she was saying how much she loves me etc etc.

This girl is from a conservative south asian Muslim family. They aren't allowed to date. Either for that reason, or because she loved me, or for whatever reason, she has never dated anyone or been with anyone else whenever we have broken up. And I have never been with any other girl either because I have been crazy about her since high school, and never really got over her in those four years (I am 27 now).

But this new scenario scares me because in her culture there is no dating... .  only marriage. If she finds some "suitable match" online, getting married in 3-4 months is very normal.

My fear and insecurities tell me that maybe it was just me, the new guy or guys she is or might be talking to... .  she will be completely fine, normal, charming, and a seductress to them (the way she was to me). that i was the one who suffered for last couple of years with her BPD behavior, and the new guy/s are only seeing her charming side and based on her new excitement she will get married soon.

I have read so many times in these forums that if they are in new relationships, it will run its course too. And that scares me for her. Her impulsive dating might lead to impulsive marriage. But she is not cured and her behavior hasn't changed. I fear that I suffered alone and nearly everyone I talk to either don't believe me or don't understand she has an illness. I also fear for her and her impulsive (and out of spite) dating behavior... .  because I love her. I am going crazy. Sorry for my rambling. Not sure if it made any sense.

[elessar]

This dreadful fear has come over me that my uBPD ex will be completely normal with the next guy she is with... .  that I was the only one who suffered... .  and one will believe me unless they know both me and her (of which there are only a couple of people in this world).

just over 5 weeks I had a fight with my ex. I did not even know it was a fight! But the very next day she went out on a date with some guy she met on a matrimonial site. I found out about that a day a later when her coworkers posted on facebook how happy they are for her and how she found a keeper who is tall, dark, handsome with a new 2013 Audi. It made me sick to my stomach to know she did that, and to find out that way.

For a short background... .  she broke up with in spring 2006... .  and then contacted me in late 2010. she broke up again in august 2011... .  and since then we have had so many recyles that I am never sure if we are together or broken up. I just go by her words. If she is angry she says "I broke up with you a long time back". If she is not angry her words are "I love you and can't ever imagine myself with anyone else". Over Christmas we had gotten back together, even a couple of days before our fight she was saying how much she loves me etc etc.

This girl is from a conservative south asian Muslim family. They aren't allowed to date. Either for that reason, or because she loved me, or for whatever reason, she has never dated anyone or been with anyone else whenever we have broken up. And I have never been with any other girl either because I have been crazy about her since high school, and never really got over her in those four years (I am 27 now).

But this new scenario scares me because in her culture there is no dating... .  only marriage. If she finds some "suitable match" online, getting married in 3-4 months is very normal.

My fear and insecurities tell me that maybe it was just me, the new guy or guys she is or might be talking to... .  she will be completely fine, normal, charming, and a seductress to them (the way she was to me). that i was the one who suffered for last couple of years with her BPD behavior, and the new guy/s are only seeing her charming side and based on her new excitement she will get married soon.

I have read so many times in these forums that if they are in new relationships, it will run its course too. And that scares me for her. Her impulsive dating might lead to impulsive marriage. But she is not cured and her behavior hasn't changed. I fear that I suffered alone and nearly everyone I talk to either don't believe me or don't understand she has an illness. I also fear for her and her impulsive (and out of spite) dating behavior... .  because I love her. I am going crazy. Sorry for my rambling. Not sure if it made any sense.

[Rose Tiger]

It is crazy funhouse world to see everyone congratulating her and praising that he has a car.  whoop de doo.  People are funny that way.  They don't see the in the weeds details that are hidden, that she was professing love to another just a short time ago.  Normal people don't do that, love a person one minute, practically engaged to another that they just met the next.  Something is very wrong with this picture.

Deep down you know she will do the same to this new person.  And the next.  Wouldn't it be better for you to be with a person that loves you one minute and then loves you the next minute and the next?  Don't you deserve to be loved like that? 

[SarahinMA]

It is crazy funhouse world to see everyone congratulating her and praising that he has a car.  whoop de doo.  People are funny that way.  They don't see the in the weeds details that are hidden, that she was professing love to another just a short time ago.  Normal people don't do that, love a person one minute, practically engaged to another that they just met the next.  Something is very wrong with this picture.

Deep down you know she will do the same to this new person.  And the next.  Wouldn't it be better for you to be with a person that loves you one minute and then loves you the next minute and the next?  Don't you deserve to be loved like that? 

I fear that too.  It bugs me that my ex is a grown man in his late-20s, but comes off as such a helpless victim.  He's made so many people pity him and the "horrible experience" he went through with me.  He accused me multiple times of turning people against him which NEVER happened.  He gets people to do all his dirty work for him... .  it's so frustrating.  I, of course, was a rescuer type.  I liked to do things for him (I have a much stronger personality and control issues).  He'll find someone like me who will take over his life for him and then he'll grow to resent. 

[elessar]

Thanks freshlysane and RoseTiger

I know she is doing it to rub it in my face and to show that she is fine and is moving on. She has maintained complete radio silence for last 37 days... .  except 32 days back when she came online to curse me out and say I shouldn't be talking to her friends about us. Her words were interesting, and nothing new in them "I have been over you for a long time" "Me leaving you is not something new, so why are you so angry" "I never had a problem finding a guy" "So you don't want me to be happy and want me to always stay single?". She has said all of that before, but the new thing this time was how she was showing off her new dating thing to others. She had always been paranoid about her privacy and wouldn't even tell her best friend about me for months. Now the way she showed off going on date to everyone while ignoring me, that was a new low. I can tell it is out of spite.

Do I want to be with someone like this? No. But since I have known her since high school, she wasn't like this before. She wasn't like this for most of undergrad either. Or maybe I never saw it since we weren't in a relationship till final year of undergrad. But I do wish that one day she would snap out of it and get help. And that she does it before she destroys more lives. We all know how charming BPDs can be initially, and they are always the center of attention in a new group. So no wonder she must be enjoying all the interest expressed in her in this unlimited pool of online dating world.

[Rose Tiger]

It's easy for people to be seen in a good light when you aren't together 24/7.  My ex is well thought of by others, he can keep it together very well for casual friendships.  Intimate relationships are another story, the mask had to come off.

Think about in the future down the road, what do you want to model for your future son and/or daughter?  Is your relationship with her something you want them to learn?  It really takes having a stable, dependable partner to bring up happy, healthy kids.  

[elessar]

Yup. She is not healthy enough for a relationship or kids (or am I really kidding myself? I have written my entire story in a thread I just replied to). I believe one of my biggest fear is not to be even acknowledged. She is from a culture, and especially her immediate conservative society her family is in, where nearly no man will marry a girl who is not a virgin. If anyone outside her home knows she was sexually abused, no one will talk to her family! (Her own sister-in-law isn't allowed to know what has happened). So if a guy finds out she was abused, she was in a sexual relationship (someone from a different religion), no "good family guy" will marry her. And few times she had told me she will have to hide everything to be with someone from her society. Also many many times she has said she cannot live a lie for her entire life.

So you wonder that you gave her freedom from her past abuse, supported her when she was suicidal, stood by her while her parents and siblings minimized and virtually ignored her sexual abuse, stood by her while her family and relatives told her "sacrifice your happiness so no one can gossip about us"... .  stood by her through everything and then she leaves you for those very people. Is the fear of abandonment in BPD is so high that they can't imagine being abandoned by family who have verbally, emotionally, and physically abused her?