Today is her birthday

[grad]

It's been 5 weeks since the split of our 1.5 month relationship and I'm still emotionally torn and saddened by what happened.  I've had my better days but this past week has been a revelation, that she just wants to project more pain onto me because I hurt her by not validating her emotions during the relationship and triggering her abandonment fear which led to an escalation of our relationship.

It really does hurt, I'm now 9 days into no contact since it's become obvious she doesn't want friendship and it hurts even more to know I'm better off not sending her a happy birthday text.  Nothing has ever hurt me the way she has.  It's like she knew exactly what would cause me pain while trying everything else during the relationship.  I feel like she knew me better than myself which hurts even more.

[Leaf]

I've had my better days but this past week has been a revelation, that she just wants to project more pain onto me because I hurt her by not validating her emotions during the relationship and triggering her abandonment fear which led to an escalation of our relationship.

Hi Grad, Do you think the relationship would have worked better if you had validated her more? Or isn't that what you're suggesting? From where I'm standing (2 months out of a 3 year BPD-relationship) it sounds as if you had a lucky escape because your relationship wasn't that long. It's so good that you went NC and that you know it's better for YOU not to send her a text on her birthday. You don't want to encourage her to put you on a shelve for recycling during a dry spell! Or maybe you do want that but that's all the more reason not to break NC. You can now work on any issues of yours that the BPD relationship brought to the surface, work on them and then in the future find a healthy woman that's capable of love. I bought a stack of self help books to turn the situation into something positive for me. By the way I'm not sure that being good at finding someone's weak spots in order to hurt, manipulate and control them counts as knowing someone. My ex knew exactly which buttons to push (anyway, he tried lots of buttons until he found the one that worked), but he didn't really know me, said so himself.

[grad]

Hi Grad, Do you think the relationship would have worked better if you had validated her more? Or isn't that what you're suggesting?

Yes, the primary issue in our relationship was my suspicion of BPD but having the tools to manage her emotional issues.  All I know of BPD at the time was fear of abandonment and the symptoms.  During one of her emotional outbursts she actually said I wasn't ready to be in a relationship with her and she was right.  I hurt her tremendously with the way I handled one situation in particular by cutting off any discussion of the issue (since she was seriously intoxicated).  After the split when I realized what went wrong and where, she said I hurt her a lot that night.

Do I have love for her?  Yes, the first time I've ever experienced feelings such as this and having the opportunity to date them.  Do I think it would work long-term, probably not because of my daughter unless she sought help for her issues.  She's never really been the vindictive BPD that I've read so much about on this board, in fact she still said she had love for me and I was a great guy after the split.  Her negativity was mostly the passive-aggressive type.

And yes, I know I can find better, she's even said that much during our r/s.  The problem is I'm still emotionally attached to her and sadistically enjoying feeling someone (even if is sadness) on an emotional level for the first time so I'm not really ready to move on just yet.  She's even said she doesn't want me waiting around.

The no contact is necessary because when they're ignoring you or saying they'll call you in a few hours and never do, it speaks volumes as to what they really think.  Actions speak louder than words.