I've seen used often on these forums that states we, as a participant, are
"100% responsible for 50% of relationship". This is a phrase I sometimes proposed to my exuBPD and she wholeheartedly agreed. For her, it was kind of
validation, setting a limit to her responsibility and leaving me wide open to discussion on what is considered 50%. After breakup, thinking about this phrase left me ruminating if this may have been my fault after all (remembering my provoked or defensive reactions and questioning how well I handled "my" 50%), again a question I see pop up a lot here.
For some reason, I am toying with this 100%/50% idea for the past weeks and I wish to propose a new outlook that helped me move a step forward. It might help you too.
Theorems:1) The "50% I am responsible for" is not a "slice" of the relationship. Instead, our contribution to relationship is infinitely divided between myriad of small interactions. Example: it is not
"I cook, you wash dishes". Instead, it is more like
"I like cooking and it makes me proud I can cook for you. And you like being cooked for as it flatters you. And you will sit in kitchen and do pleasant talk. And we will exchange ideas and communicate. And I will feel validated because you would spend time with me during an action I like and because I want to prove myself. And we'll wash the dishes together after all." In other words, you might be responsible for 50% but that 50% is impossible to define.
2) Relationship is a social interaction of two individuals expressing individuality towards a common, yet ultimately selfish, goal. We all want our relationship to succeed, we strive for it, but at the bottom of it we are not Samartitans and want our success
as a couple so that we can fulfill
our own need. Nothing wrong or immoral with that IMHO. However, this interaction clearly falls under Nash game theory (Google) meaning the ultimately best solution is impossible without playing the game in a manner you take account of other player's welfare. In other words, you might be responsible for 50% but you are in effect responsible for 100% because any other option would diminish the 100%, which is below optimal.
Proposal:Each of the partners is 50% responsible for 100% of the relationship.If above theorems prove that "share" of relationship is impossible to quantify, we can value our "share" as contribution which is quite measurable.
Effect:No relationship is ever truly 100% reciprocal. And that is normal. Our social, cultural, economic, geographic, even sex difference can skew this in favor (or in fault) of either party. However, I'd say there is a certain "healthy" limit to how far this can go. For example: yes, i could pull a bit extra, but I don't mind. And I mean I REALLY do not mind, you make me happy and I love pulling a little bit extra. So, am I contributing more? No. In a healthy relationship, the other party would contribute something immaterial - an emotion or other expression that would return the relationship into equilibrium
However, in a BPD relationship, I firmly believe that in proposed model non-BPD would contribute 75%+ to 100% of relationship, creating an impossible strain, in
validation, and aftereffects expressed in so many stories here.