A Sweet Relationship Turned To Hell

[Spiritlife]

Hello All. Thank you for reading my initial post to this great website. Thank you moderators as well. I am a male Licensed Nurse and was always a very caring and compassionate person, who finally at the older age in my fifties, fell in love with a woman also in her fifties. We had a great time getting to know each other. She was the one I had wanted to marry. Somehow i knew this was the direction I was headed too because we had gotten along so well in most every way. No arguments at all and we had a lot of fun as well. Eventually we both had "love bombed" each other. we also went hiking, camping and motorcycling together. We practically did every thing together. Eight months later, she became very clingy and had called me several times most every day to include several e-mails. Eventually i had to answer to her beckon call what, where, with whom and why i a doing what I am doing. I could not understand why she had so many questions. Those fun and understanding days started to erode. Because of my career, I not only tried to understand her more, but tried to reason with her on many occasions when reasoning sometimes was ineffective on her part. I was beginning to hurt emotionally. Later she lambasted me, stating comments i was a liar and cheater when none of these allegations ever proved truthful. She had started to yell uncontrollably and then it lead to raging eventually. She stated that to be angry and yelling is "a tool". Later these stories escalated into yet a bigger and more slanderous story how i had suddenly become a sexual predator. Two years later, she filed a restraining order against me stating i was harassing and stalking her. That never happened. This lead to a court date where she wanted a one year restraining order against me. I was still "so in love", I could not believe what was going on and why. I most certainly did not notice the red flags and many as they were. I felt like i was played for a fool, yet still very much in love. In court I had later asked for a two year restraining order to safeguard myself. I never went back to her home which is a mere seven miles from where I live in the Northwest. After the court date, only two weeks later, she had filed to try and have my medical license revoked thinking I was some sex predator. (What?) I was in the medical field for two decades without any blemishes. I have an excellent background check. State investigators were sent to the various hospitals and Skilled nursing facilities I had worked at. The State of Washington spend several thousands of dollars to find no thing had occurred nor would it, sexually or otherwise with patients and staff. Her allegations towards me were indeed crazy, emotionally very painful, which had caught me in a sudden shock and turmoil of being torn between love and not liking what she did to me. This craziness from her had persisted. She had said inappropriate things to my friends and business associates and the community. I could not believe all this was going on and why until a friend of mine stated that i should read a few books... .  then all of this craziness started to impact me in a very detrimental and different way. I had checked out several books and eventually went to NAMI discussion groups to get help for myself. She had continued to stalk me despite her restraining order against me, till just a few weeks ago ending (?) in December 2012. She eventually got the police involved and I had to continually follow up and keep track of her devices.

We had an excellent friendship from the beginning, but i have to say that love does persist and i do miss my companion very much even though all the things she did to me was excruciatingly painful and alarming to me and my friends. To date, I really have no closure. It's been extremely tough, but through having read the many online journals and books, i have indeed discovered that she suffers a lot more than us nons do. I could only imagine how she wakes up every day to face herself, knowing she has major flaws. No wonder in public she was quite a different person, putting up a facade, hiding the shame. I realize that in her way, she does miss me because she stalks me, partly due to control issues. I did learn she is mentally ill, even though she is a very high functioning human being. She presents with unstable emotional issues that of riding on a roller coaster. It was crazy of late.

It has now been nine months and i am still hurting deeply. I did not deserve any of this, nor did I do any thing to receive such pain from her simply because she is so delusional. I have reached out to my friends,but i did not want to burden them. I did not want to lose them either. So I had switchd sharing amongst different friendships within my circle. I suffer alone mainly. I was suicidal back five months ago, but no longer. i was drinking too. I have eating disorder issues as a result of this and have coping mechanisms to simply get a good nights sleep/rest. There is more to this story. It is indeed comforting to see that i am not alone in this journey. Thank you for all those who shared on this site. I wish my "ex" a better life through healing, though she is at current undiagnosed and does not take medications for it. I pray for her every day and think of her as well. Though i have begun to realize I need to take care of myself even though she is disordered. I was happy though as my friends stated that I "got out" before the fourth stage (violent part)  of the disorder kicked in. As tough as it is, I am not isolating as much as i did initially after i found out and in a very painful way. I have started taking better care of myself and have realized that i deserve a lot better. I still believe in love and that one day i shall find her or perhaps she will find me again after she starts to get well. Thank you for all those who wish to share here.

[ohmygosh]

Hi, thanks for sharing.  I would't normally advocate fighting fire with fire but this may be a case.  File a tough love thing, put her on the defensive against the harrasment she has given you.  You can't just stand there and take that.  Let her know your a brick wall she can't surpass and her only options then are co-operate or run.

[Clearmind]

 

You are not alone SL and like you many of us can equate with your history.

We had an excellent friendship from the beginning, but i have to say that love does persist and i do miss my companion very much even though all the things she did to me was excruciatingly painful and alarming to me and my friends. To date, I really have no closure. It's been extremely tough, but through having read the many online journals and books, i have indeed discovered that she suffers a lot more than us nons do.

SL, what type of closure do you need?

Are you undecided or wanting to detach?

[Spiritlife]

Thank you Clearmind for your correspondence. As per your question, "what closure would I want"? Even after nine months and literally counting the days to pass, I still feel the agony of the pain. The pain I had not caused, all the slanderous accusations, the loss of my supposed best friend, the contradictions, the loneliness, the depression... .  It is live and well. The feelings have made its path into me isolating. I was very committed to her and wanted this to work, but knew of the disease too late. I got hooked ... .  and fell. Had she told me about this disease, I would have still committed to her to make it work. Ever thing is possible I feel. It is a hard fall from the height of the mountain we both had climbed. Like during the first stage of the disease process, she was ever so kind, thoughtful, excited to visit and be with me, talked on the phone for hours at any one time because we do have many things in common. The closure I suspected would occur would be some form of audible communication and not a court case and slandering of words to the community and friends. A friend of mine who is in contact with my "ex", was told that she had hurt me alot and therefore has remorse. It would be nice of her after the fourth stage, of her to atleast call or in some way make an attempt to apologize or make amends or atleast make contact in a form of a kind gesture. I can not believe that something so good went to hell so fast and with so much blatant, rude malice. I could only imagine how she feels and she needs to deal with who she is all throughout her life. I was innocent really. One day she will know what she lost... .  I had recently substituted her for an alaskan husky I had recently adopted and we are bonding well. Perhaps she will never forget me, I don't know, or she may one day show up unexpectedly. I need to move on for my own sanity for now. It is tough.