Did you tell others?

[Sharkey167]

Ok many of us seem like we didn't know what BPD was until after our relationship ended. But when we found out it was such an enlightening, healing experience. Personally, I told people. I felt I had to explain the crap I dealt with to others and idk, try and justify everything. To understand why I looked like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders.  It was also to explain to people her behavior that made her come off like a brat, that there was a reason for it. That I didn't just have the worst judgement imaginable but rather that I was sucked into this world that was so twisted and irrational and I didn't even know it until it was too late. Not to mention it was so theraputic to talk about something that I had told pretty much no one.

Did any of you guys "tell the world" so to speak about their SO having BPD?

Either out of necessity or because it just felt so darn good?

[sad but wiser]

I have told three of my kids, my lawyer and everyone on these boards.  Yeah, it felt fantastic to discover what the problem has been all along.  After two years of marriage, I had told my mother that something was wrong with him, but I couldn't figure it out.  I kept trying and trying to help him have peace and perspective.  To make a life he could love, and not to be so anxious all the time.  I swallowed the shame and blame, kept on trying, lost my temper, lost my sense of myself... .  He got more and more abusive, not physically directly so much as indirectly - keeping me up late, not allowing me time to eat because he was in crisis mode again.  When he abused the kids right in front of me and I watched them trying to protect themselves, my eyes were opened.  I left with both kids and have seen him, but not gotten back, nor really had an interest.  Guess I was emotionally and mentally used up.  We live in a small town and I want him to find work and support himself, so I'm not spreading the BPD info around.

[WT]

I did tell my close friends.  A lot of them already had negative impressions of my ex both from interacting with her and from observing how she treated me.  She also alienated a few of them by taking what they said as an insult against her by taking their comments completely out of context, so I felt like I needed to explain to these friends why my ex was acting like that.  When my ex broke up with me, almost everyone's reaction was "good riddance to bad rubbish."

[mango_flower]

A lot of my friends on my local sports team are psychiatric nurses at a local hospital, so I kind of broached the subject with them and they all were like "Oh yeah!  I see that now!".  They knew her too, but moreso as a team mate, not as a close friend.  And she wasn't an extreme case - her BPD traits only went crazy when she was depressed and in a bad place in life - she appeared very functional day to day (though looking back the red flags were all there, e.g. complete idealization phase etc)

I feel guilty even bringing it up though, as I feel a sense of loyalty towards her, and she always got on well with them all (even though they thought she was a bit OTT with things).  Feels like I have betrayed her in some way.

[afterdeath]

Every one I brought it up to just didn't really understand and thought I just needed to let it go, and I further tried to explain why it was so hard to do that, they still didn't get it so I try to keep it to myself and this site where people understand.

[Wimowe]

A few close friends, a sister and brother I'm particularly close with, my T, my Al-Anon sponsor. Definitely not any of our mutual friends.  Even then I'm circumspect: I am careful not to ascribe BPD to her; I simply say that the history of our relationship is strikingly similar to a description of the typical BPD relationship which I found on this site.

For me, the usefulness of the BPD label is as a frame of reference to make sense of my own experience and reactions insofar as this helps me heal, recover, and grow from this encounter.  Other than that, my uBPDxgf's mental health or unhealth is none of my business or concern (although I am pained and saddened by her suffering).

If pressed, I might say that I was "frustrated" by the ambiguity of our relationship.  I might even, without details, say that I didn't like the way she behaved towards me.

We live in a small community and have many mutual acquaintances.       Not only do I think it would be wrong (e.g. slanderous) to mention her possible BPD or describe the behaviors I found hurtful, doing so would very likely reflect badly on me.   I'm angry at her but, revenge fantasies aside (things I'd like to tell her), I don't want to do her harm.

[Matt]

Well one way to look at it is to ask, when you think about telling each person, what is your motive for doing that.  Examine your motives, and then you'll know what's right.

As an example, when I found out about BPD, I was very tempted to tell my kids.  I eventually did tell them part of the story, when they were old enough and I was thinking very clearly.  But to tell them at the time, my motives would have been selfish - I wanted them to see me as the good guy - and that's not OK.  It really wasn't in my kids' interests to hear that from me at that time.  Examining my motives (with help from family, friends and my counselor) made it easy to see that I shouldn't tell my kids at that time.

I did tell some people, including my counselor... .  

Not to mention it was so theraputic to talk about something that I had told pretty much no one.

I think this is a really important thing to note.  If that is your motive - therapy for yourself - and if you choose the right person - a professional, or a wise adult who will keep it to himself, and use the information only to help you - that could be a good thing to do.

So... .  Sharkey... .  who are you thinking about telling, and what would be your motive for telling each person?

[sad but wiser]

hey mangoflower, I bet you have been protecting her public image for a while, right?  That was one of my jobs, protector of his public image.  I was also the scapegoat, the controller, the supposed to have all the answers and I'm just not sharing them person.  I felt guilty at first just posting on these boards, but it was a relief not to have to be isolated.  Even when a conversation wasn't at all about him, he assumed that it was.  If it wasn't, why wasn't it?  I bet posting anonymously will help a lot.  We can talk to each other and learn to cope without feeling like we've interfered with their important relationships.

[HarmKrakow]

I told the world and the world told me. I've been told on numerous occasion, mate, it smells like you got yourself caught by a borderliner!

[Iced]

I told a mutual friend... .  But because they were involved in everything too, it was less of telling and more of giving the details because they asked and wanted to know what had happened.  However, as they were my friend and about to unwittingly embark on a Rescue mission, I also didn't mince my words and showed them evidence of our correspondence as a warning.

Once I was able to see my old psyD again, I told them and shortly, I told another trusted third unrelated party so I could get another reality check.

When my mother kept asking me if something happened, I finally told her, too.

Besides these people, this forum is the only place I have told my story and even here, I have been intentionally vague.

No matter how angry I have been, turnabout in returning the favor of a smear campaign has been something of a foreign concept to me.  They were immensely unstable and not in their right mind and needed help; to wound them back by sullying their reputation just wouldn't seem or feel right.

[Sharkey167]

So... .  Sharkey... .  who are you thinking about telling, and what would be your motive for telling each person?

Oh I already told. My family, and close friends who were warning me the entire time and just could not pinpoint her behavior. But I do not broadcast to the world.

[Blessed0329]

I was somewhat familiar with BPD, as I'd had a brief, but very intense, devastating relationship with a man with BPD 25 years ago, when I had no idea what the "crazy" was. This time, I did know, because there was so much that was familiar to the guy from my past. That is what helped me hold off this one's attempts to drag me into a sexual relationship.

I only told my therapist and my pastor. I once cautiously attempted to broach the subject with a coworker, who was in a Master's program for mental health counseling, but she seemed totally shocked that I would have tagged this great guy with such a clearly erroneous label, that I backed way off. He was very good at hiding it from 99% of the world, especially therapist types.