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Author Topic: Passing along two thoughts on healing  (Read 760 times)
DeRetour
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Relationship status: Recently broke up from relationship
Posts: 197


« on: September 13, 2013, 03:36:33 PM »

A couple of days ago, I had a meltdown and posted a thread up here. Today marks week 7 since my breakup, and I’ve maintained NC. My uBPD-exGF has continued to text, call, mail letters, and even show up at my building, begging and pleading. At least in her texts, she sounds like she’s in bad shape. Yesterday, I spoke with my T about the guilt, shame, and feelings of worthlessness that have surfaced with this relationship, and the recent guilt/worry-inducing texts. She pointed something out that helped me.

She said, “You still care about her.” You know what? I do still care about her. Even if I know I never want to take her back, I can say that I care about her. Acknowledging that I still care about my ex has helped me “hang out” and observe the thoughts and feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness as they come. So, I just wanted to pass that one along. Hopefully that will help someone out there cope a little better with their day.  

Also, I just wanted to “bump” a helpful thought that some of you had passed along to me when I was in desperate need two days ago. All the responses were touching, by the way. But I’ll paraphrase a little and pass it along:  Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Accept how you feel and where you are in the healing process. Get outside if you get the chance after work, school.

-deretour

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eyvindr
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: NC
Posts: 900



« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2013, 04:08:36 PM »

Thanks for sharing, DeRetour.

I can relate to this, too -- and about on the same timeline as you.

A couple of days ago, I had a meltdown and posted a thread up here. Today marks week 7 since my breakup, and I’ve maintained NC. My uBPD-exGF has continued to text, call, mail letters, and even show up at my building, begging and pleading. At least in her texts, she sounds like she’s in bad shape. Yesterday, I spoke with my T about the guilt, shame, and feelings of worthlessness that have surfaced with this relationship, and the recent guilt/worry-inducing texts. She pointed something out that helped me.

She said, “You still care about her.” You know what? I do still care about her. Even if I know I never want to take her back, I can say that I care about her. Acknowledging that I still care about my ex has helped me “hang out” and observe the thoughts and feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness as they come.

My ex and I had our first break-up just about a year ago. During the 2 months that we were apart, I came to that realization, too. I'd discovered that she'd been daily splitting me bad on a website similar to this one, except it was all anonymous, and none of the other site members knew that she was basically revising history and our entire r-ship to make herself look like the Victim Princess, or something. Reading all of the hateful words and lies really hurt me deeply then -- but it also helped me:



  • I could finally objectively see the illness at work, and separate it from the woman I was in love with, and


  • I realized that, despite everything I was reading, I recognized it as being symptomatic of BPD and, instead of feeling continued anger and hatred... .I felt compassion for her poor suffering soul.




We  wound up getting back together -- following the pleading and promises that it sounds like you're experiencing. And we're apart again. But it's definitely easier to get through this stuff with compassion. And the more compassion we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for our ex's -- though, granted, in my case, while my ex's behavior could be appalling and crazy-making emotionally, she never engaged in the more extreme BPD behaviors, like cheating. Nonetheless, the roller coaster took its toll on me.

Glad to hear you're doing better. Hang in there.
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"Being deceived in effect takes away your right to make accurate life choices based on truth." -- waverider

"Don't try the impossible, as you're sure to become well and truly stuck and require recovery." -- Vintage Land Rover 4X4 driving instructional video
Ironmanrises
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« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2013, 06:50:14 PM »

A couple of days ago, I had a meltdown and posted a thread up here. Today marks week 7 since my breakup, and I’ve maintained NC. My uBPD-exGF has continued to text, call, mail letters, and even show up at my building, begging and pleading. At least in her texts, she sounds like she’s in bad shape. Yesterday, I spoke with my T about the guilt, shame, and feelings of worthlessness that have surfaced with this relationship, and the recent guilt/worry-inducing texts. She pointed something out that helped me.

She said, “You still care about her.” You know what? I do still care about her. Even if I know I never want to take her back, I can say that I care about her. Acknowledging that I still care about my ex has helped me “hang out” and observe the thoughts and feelings of guilt, shame, and worthlessness as they come. So, I just wanted to pass that one along. Hopefully that will help someone out there cope a little better with their day.  

Also, I just wanted to “bump” a helpful thought that some of you had passed along to me when I was in desperate need two days ago. All the responses were touching, by the way. But I’ll paraphrase a little and pass it along:  Be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Accept how you feel and where you are in the healing process. Get outside if you get the chance after work, school.

-deretour

That.

In bold.

Alert. Alert. Alert.

My exUBPDgf begged and pleaded too when she came back after leaving me the first time.

End result?

She left.

Again.

What happened to the begging and pleading?

Evaporated.

If you let her back in... .

She will hurt you again.

The begging and pleading is momentary.

It will soon be taken by the wind of their disorder.

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DeRetour
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Relationship status: Recently broke up from relationship
Posts: 197


« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2013, 01:49:38 PM »

Eyvindr,

Excerpt
I'd discovered that she'd been daily splitting me bad on a website similar to this one, except it was all anonymous, and none of the other site members knew that she was basically revising history and our entire r-ship to make herself look like the Victim Princess, or something. Reading all of the hateful words and lies really hurt me deeply then --

Ah, yes. So sorry you had went through this with your ex. That must have really hurt. And the whole history revision, well. That's just awful. As curious as I am, I really don't want to know whether or not she did this on another forum. On social media, my ex was skilled at making herself the Victim Princess (as you so aptly put it). She had this ability to say just enough to get her girl friends, co-workers, and I don't even want to think of who else, LOL, all kinds of sympathy. She would split me, responding to me as though I were like her oppressive dad or something, as though she were running to her room to slam the door and turn up her iPod full volume. Whew... .anyway, the more I read about the illness, the more I understand what happened. Thanks for sharing that. I'm finally separating myself from all of that splitting stuff... one day at a time.

Excerpt
We  wound up getting back together -- following the pleading and promises that it sounds like you're experiencing. And we're apart again. But it's definitely easier to get through this stuff with compassion. And the more compassion we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for our ex's --

Yes, you speak from experience. For me, this officially happened one other time. We broke up for 3 weeks and she begged/pleaded and pulled me right back in. And for those next (and final) 4 months, the extremes got worse. In hindsight I can see that this happened many, many times throughout our relationship. I never allowed myself to overtly beg, but often I'd promise to be more understanding or supportive, etc. I now realize it was impossible to be supportive enough to accomodate her illness, without her splitting me.

All that said, this time around... no thank you.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Eyvinder, thanks for reading and replying. Glad to read you're in a better place than the last time around for you. Having compassion for yourself makes a difference, doesn't it?

deretour


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DeRetour
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Gender: Male
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Relationship status: Recently broke up from relationship
Posts: 197


« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2013, 02:02:40 PM »

Ironman,

Excerpt
[She]has continued to text, call, mail letters, and even show up at my building, begging and pleading.

Excerpt
That.

In bold.

Alert. Alert. Alert.

My exUBPDgf begged and pleaded too when she came back after leaving me the first time.

End result?

She left.

Again.

What happened to the begging and pleading?

Evaporated.

If you let her back in... .

She will hurt you again.

The begging and pleading is momentary.

It will soon be taken by the wind of their disorder.

Yes, you are all too familiar with the begging and pleading stuff as well. So sorry you went through that. You're so right on that - that it's all momentary. Once is definitely enough. I am strongly considering changing my number to eliminate the texts and calls.

Thanks for your thoughts, Ironman. Hope your weekend is going well.

-deretour
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Mutt
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Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
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« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2013, 02:21:37 PM »

Thanks DeRetour for sharing. Those 2 lines helped me today, good luck.
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
saw_tooth
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« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2013, 04:09:37 PM »

The begging,pleading,telling you that you are awesome and that they can do anything to make you happy is all a means for their 'temporary gratification'.

They do ^^^ usually when they need 'emotional nurturance' and almost always go back and leave us hurting.The very same 'emotional nurturance and closeness'  that they were seeking triggers their abandonment fears and they run super fast.

So it is a no-win situation for a non and it is prudent and wise to stay away for your own sake.
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