My boundaries and terms for a r/s in b&w

[struggli]

What I want in a partner:

Honest/No secrets

Trustworthy/Reliable/Consistent

Low-maintenance/No need for me to walk on eggshells

Faithful/Monogamous/Committed

Health conscious/Takes care of mental and physical health

Intimate/Affectionate

Sexually compatible/Adventurous

Attractive to me

Mutual effort and interest

Shared vision for future

Shared ideals/beliefs/values

Is energized/excited about me

(Is this all realistic?  It sounds like something otherworldly)

What I will not put up with in a partner:

Confusion about relationship status

Needs breaks from me

Wishy washy

Tells lies, even seemingly 'little' ones

Makes me frequently have a sick feeling in my gut via words or actions

Is touchy feely with strangers (esp. male)

Seems to thrive on male attention

Frequently triggers suspicious/neurotic/jealous feelings in me

Needs to mingle with everyone/be a socialite

Partier/drinker

Has all guy friends

Keeps in regular contact with exes

Has a shi-ty family

Was sexually abused (Yeah, that's harsh, but... .  I can't deal with it unless she is dealing with it)

Makes a big deal about rich people

Has an aversion to sex or is very strict/controlling about it

Has a history of cheating

[healingmyheart]

sounds pretty reasonable to me... .  in fact that could be my list as well.  My ex lied and deceived me.  It was so very painful... .  I will NOT ever tolerate that again.  I kicked him out days after it happened.  Definitely the right decision.  I think... .  no, I know he was shocked that I actually did it.  I was this passive partner until that happened.  I don't think he ever thought he'd get caught and when he did he tried to lie his way out of that.  Plus, he tried to blame me for his deceit... .  for figure.  I feel so sorry for him. At least I have a chance for starting over with a healthy person who can actually love me for love.  He will continue his cycle over and over again.

[healingmyheart]

What does "make a big deal about rich people" mean?  Hated them or loved them

[really]

Stuggli,

Yep, my list as well...

But what I put up with was everything in that 2nd list. 

That's why I am so damaged now... .  I bought into the illusion that she was honest, trustworthy, affectionate with a shared vision for the future... .  her words gave me the impression that this was who she is, yet her actions were all those things on the 2nd list.   I gave her the benefit of the doubt because the idolization phase was so wonderful, and when I challenged her about things she became clingy... .  then crash, bang, wallop, get out of my life... .  and then the replacement gets put on Facebook and I learn it was all a lie.

I'm trying to work out how I stayed, how i put up with it... .  the new guy thinks he is getting that list as well but it will only be a matter of time.

[MaybeSo]

These are good boundaries.

An important shift will be making the responsibility yours;

"I do not maintain romantic relationships with people who lie to me."

Boundaries can easily slip into picking the same relationship dynamics, and feeling more and more pissed off because you are more clear than ever what your boundary is, but they do are not following your boundaries, so you argue with them some more about it.

Pretty soon, you wake up and realize "I do maintain r/s with people who lie to me"... .  because you have been in a r/s for months arguing with a person about your boundary.

So be clear, your boundaries are yours to defend, act on, comply with and respect. We can

invite someone to provide the same, but it's purely optional and it's not their job to take care of

your boundaries for you. That is your job.

When we spend a lot of time trying to convince someone to respect our boundaries, we aren't respecting our own boundaries... .  so why should they?

Boundaries are only ever about us, not someone else.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I like your list, Struggli.  We have to be willing to provide the same to our partners.  Food for thought.

[hithere]

I think those wants are realistic.

I am now in a new healthy relationship and she gives me all your wants.  But on the don't wants:

Keeps in regular contact with exes

- she does keep in tough with an ex or two, but I trust her and it is mostly a few texts here and there, some facebook messages and the odd coffee meeting.  I think if you are in a healthy trusting relationship, keeping in touch or even friendly with some ex's is no big deal.  In fact last Friday night we had one of my ex's and her husband over for coffee.

[GreenMango]

Struggli this is a great idea to start defining healthy relationships.

MaybeSo's point about shifting it to personal responsibility is really helpful.  A way that may help to do that is to define your values or principles you live or want to live by then frame out some of the boundaries around those.

I value honesty... .  I will not lie or hid things from my partner and if my partner lies to me I will... .  

I value (fill in the blank)... .