Boundaries In Place

[CBoo]

I am delighted to find this space. Although I want to group us all together so we can keep reminding each other that we're ok!

I am the adult child of a man (father isn't appropriate) with BPD.

Several years ago, I presented him with my experience of childhood. He was a mixture of sadness and confusion in response. Several months later (when I was in trouble for not being in touch) he denied all knowledge of the conversation. This was the final straw for me.

No contact, and several years of therapy later, I'm stronger. I've learnt about my reality and identity.

Now, a family funeral has initiated contact, and I'm having to work so hard not to get sucked in! It's so pervasive.

I'm here to lay anxieties to rest. Thanks for being part of this community.

[Rose Tiger]

Hi CBoo,



I'm glad you found us, sorry to hear that your Bio 'dad' has BPD, I can relate to having a toxic parent.  We have posters here dealing with difficult parents, supporting each other and learning about boundaries and improving communication techniques.  Do you still see your therapist, wondering if you also have that resource to help you through this recent development?  Are you having to communicate with your dad in regard to the funeral?  Sorry that your family has lost a loved one. 

[CBoo]

Thank you for the welcome! Solidarity.

I am still seeing the therapist - it's my life's work I think.  Might send him an invoice. 

I am occasionaly having to be in touch re the funeral, but mercifully little.  He is exploiting every text opportunity to attempt to push back the emotional boundaries I have set.  I am ranging from furious to frightened.  Rehearsing how to be clear in what I want, without being aggressive or resorting back to putting his feelings first (attachments are *such* a pain ).  For instance, I know he'll try to hug me when he sees me, but I find physical contact with him feels so abusive.  How can you hug someone when you know it's only for their benefit?

All thoughts welcome.   

[Rose Tiger]

Thank you for the welcome! Solidarity.

I am still seeing the therapist - it's my life's work I think.  Might send him an invoice. 

I am occasionaly having to be in touch re the funeral, but mercifully little.  He is exploiting every text opportunity to attempt to push back the emotional boundaries I have set.  I am ranging from furious to frightened.  Rehearsing how to be clear in what I want, without being aggressive or resorting back to putting his feelings first (attachments are *such* a pain ).  For instance, I know he'll try to hug me when he sees me, but I find physical contact with him feels so abusive.  How can you hug someone when you know it's only for their benefit?

All thoughts welcome.   

Lol, yes, I've probably helped a few therapists pay the bills over the years.  It sounds like you are dealing with lots of triggers.  I imagine you doing lots of karate chops against the same old, same old attempts they make to bring you back into the old roles.  Stay strong!  You aren't a defenseless kiddo anymore, hi-chop!  You have every right to your boundaries, imagine your inner child cheering you on. 

Here is the link to the Healing board.  This is the forum where posters are overcoming those dysfunctional childhood legacies.  Lots of helps here with strengthening boundaries and working on communications with difficult relations.  Please check it out.

[L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board

[CBoo]

Thank you. Will take a look around.

More guilt trip laden texts today. It's really old... .  

[Clearmind]

CBoo, I understand your need to be low contact or no contact. That is OK and your choice. I am pleased to hear you have firm boundaries.

Low contact or no contact is a tool not a lifestyle - there are times, like weddings and funerals where we need to pull out our coping skills to move through the contact times. This is one of those times.

I am all for firm boundaries - be strong and maintain them - you don't need to answer every call or be available to his every whim.

Thank you. Will take a look around.

More guilt trip laden texts today. It's really old... .  

Can you share more about the guilt trips?

Trust that you have the tools to be separate to him and his woes.

[CBoo]

Thank you.

I'm curious as to why you say no contact isn't a lifestyle choice.  Do you not think we need to make the break sometimes?

The guilt trip texts started with

'What you don't understand is that you're my little girl.' this is particularly curious as he's harking back to when I was pre-10 here. In reality, i was in the parent role from at least this point.  When I suggested to him that this was an inappropriate discussion topic during a mourning period, he chose to repeat himself.

Then, two days later, he told me that the best present he could have would be to spend time with me after the funeral. I reminded him of the earlier conversation, which has done the trick for now.

The back story is that he can be incredibly physically and emotionally abusive, and then play the 'look what you made me do' card.  Despite the police being required to attend, he totally denies all wrongdoing.

I feel that the way he has used his mother's funeral to try to manipulate us might be the last straw for me. 

[mysoulishome]

I'm not sure if this the appropriate way to approach it... .  but is it possible for you to acquire a "funeral buddy" to latch onto? A boyfriend or other close friend who can stay by your side and support you? I know this would help me, as a BPD parent tends to teach you to be a doormat... .  and sometimes we need a love one to physically be there to remind us we are worthwhile and deserve to have feelings and boundaries. The reason I question the appropriateness of this suggestion is that perhaps others may see it as using a crutch... .  being dependent on a second party.

Another suggestion, don't be afraid to just say "no." You should not feel required to explain every situation. Or even say "I think" or "I want" or "I don't want." How about, "We're not going to talk about this" rather than "I don't want to talk about this."

Just no. No hug, no rekindling the wonderful Daddy days. If what you want is no then just say it. Don't worry about being fair or reasonable. You do not owe anyone that in this situation.

[mysoulishome]

Thank you.

I'm curious as to why you say no contact isn't a lifestyle choice.  Do you not think we need to make the break sometimes?

No contact is a lifestyle choice just as it is a choice to stick around and be abused. No?

[Clearmind]

I'm curious as to why you say no contact isn't a lifestyle choice.  

We cannot control our parents if they contact us! We can learn boundary setting - when contact is OK for us.

CBoo, I have seen it so many posts on the board, members who are strictly no contact and then by some circumstance they bump into their loved one or they call, see them at a wedding or funeral and it throws them into a tail spin. Sometimes it could be one, two or even three years since they declared NC. Why does it trigger?

It triggers because we have not dealt with the issue – we have simply avoided any contact, ignored the need to “deal”. Avoiding contact is different to processing the pain. This is where true healing begins.

I’m not an advocate for NC for this very reason. It’s important for us adult kids of Borderlines to learn new tools and skills to manage triggers in an effective way. Using skills like Mindfulness and Wise Mind are very helpful to manage triggers – this is lifetime or long term solution.

Do you not think we need to make the break sometimes?

Yes I do – absolutely! Low or controlled contact allows us to re-group, interact when we want to and feel ready, when you have healthy boundaries in place.

No contact is a lifestyle choice just as it is a choice to stick around and be abused. No?

There are generally two dynamics at play:

1.   A BPD parent – who we cannot change

2.   Adult child of a BPD parent - who is not accustomed to setting firm boundaries when abused.

Mysoulishome, abuse is not OK – boundaries protect us – if you feeling abused we have the right to leave the house or hang up the phone.

Protecting Ourselves with Values and Boundaries

[CBoo]

Thanks, both.

Yep - I have a funeral buddy. I use the principle that if I was working with a dangerous animal, I wouldn't do it by myself. The same applies!

I totally see your point about NC, but I think some things can't be healed. I have had years of therapy: the panic attacks are long gone; I've stopped being attracted to narcissists; I've stopped telling myself that my value is set by how 'good' I am. My life is good.  Yet, I still desire no contact with him. I don't believe you become a father simply by creating life.

Also, I think depending on our childhood experiences, some of the hooks were part of instinctive, attachment processes. You can manage those triggers, but heal? I think (sadly) not. That child knows I will look after her, but she doesn't forget.

[Vivgood]

 Cboo, I have a different POV on NC.

It IS a lifestyle. And has been my "lifestyle" for 11 years (since I last had contact with my BPD sister) . It has been enormously helpful and healing, altho there are times I think it would be nice to be closer to my parents. Being forced to have less contact with my entire FOO has been so illuminating and so productive, in terms of coming to know MYSELF and what my needs/wants/values really are. I would never have had those insights without the NC decision, and my life would be poorer, my marriage might be less awesome, I might not have the great job and life that I have now. Da bomb!

Perhaps what makes it different for me is that the abuse was not directed at me, it was directed at my child. I am far stronger when it comes to protecting my child than when it comes to protecting myself. There is a wonderful essay titled "Must You Forgive" (can't remember the writer) that resonates powerfully for me in committing to NC, and I go back and read that whenever someone disses me about NC!


vivgood

[CBoo]

Just wanted to thank everyone who posted for their support and reflections.   

The funeral was yesterday.  Things escalated for my brother over the weekend, with my Dad threatening to hit him after my brother defended our step-mother who was trying to deflect a rant.  He ranted until he hit 'poor me' and blamed everyone else in his company.  My brother is now questioning his contact too. 

Separately, I also sent a warning text in order to be clear that I just wanted to focus on the funeral and my grandmother on Tuesday.

Three hours before I had some FOG so spent some time working on soothing my younger self.  This went so far, but then I had to toughen up, as concentrating too much on 'my child' encouraged me to be in too much of a victim mentality.  I let her take a backseat whilst my grown-up self took the reigns.

I felt nothing when I saw him.  I declined the hug.  I felt calm and assured through-out the funeral; even when he did his me, me, me eulogy.  Then it finished and I left.

It was very tiring, and I need to rest up for a few days, but actually, I'm glad it happened.   It feels like a chapter closed.

So... .  thanks! x

[NotTheMama]

I am so glad people here recognize the extreme energy drain that we constantly operate under! "Out there" people act like "it's no big deal, just suck it up and get through what you need to do."  If only they had a clue.

I hope you're able to get the rest you need.  You did brilliantly!