Tough evening

[Hutsepotmetworst]

NC since last Wednesday. Went well last couple of days, thinking just half of my time about my exBPDgf.

But today was not so good. I promised my youngest girl to bake a cake together, tomorrow is the birthday of her teacher.

It's just that the last time we did that it was a very fun "family" moment... .  me, my girls and my exBPDgf... .  A great memory, like all the others I have of her.

I tried so hard to make her part of my life, let her participate in my activities, activities with my kids, my family. To let her feel safe, to let her feel that I was deadserious about her and our r/s. Very frustrating that all that didn't earn me any credit at all and so she dumped me, when she sensed something was wrong (when there wasn't).

But all these activities are now great memories and they all refer to her.

And every time such a memory pops up, it opens the wounds. And now I'm thinking about her, does she miss me like I miss her, maybe there's hope she comes back to me, etc. etc.

Is it time that it takes to heal these wounds or are these memories gonna stick in my head for always and keep bringing up the lost love ? 

[HarmKrakow]

NC since last Wednesday. Went well last couple of days, thinking just half of my time about my exBPDgf.

But today was not so good. I promised my youngest girl to bake a cake together, tomorrow is the birthday of her teacher.

It's just that the last time we did that it was a very fun "family" moment... .  me, my girls and my exBPDgf... .  A great memory, like all the others I have of her.

I tried so hard to make her part of my life, let her participate in my activities, activities with my kids, my family. To let her feel safe, to let her feel that I was deadserious about her and our r/s. Very frustrating that all that didn't earn me any credit at all and so she dumped me, when she sensed something was wrong (when there wasn't).

But all these activities are now great memories and they all refer to her.

And every time such a memory pops up, it opens the wounds. And now I'm thinking about her, does she miss me like I miss her, maybe there's hope she comes back to me, etc. etc.

Is it time that it takes to heal these wounds or are these memories gonna stick in my head for always and keep bringing up the lost love ? 

Join the club, I had a rocky weekend, rather would have had a tough evening Hope your little girl had the cake she wanted for her teacher!

Unfortunately, the coming weeks for you (and me and others) there will be zillion of triggers, opening our wounds (again ... and again ... and over and over again ... ) to points where we might let it all drop and collapse (i've been close already today ... ).

These memories are not going to stick there forever. Why? Because today you already started to replace it doing it alone with your youngest daughter.  However, the hope. The hope that one day she will be back, is something you need to wonder about yourself. Is it valid to have this hope? How rational is this hope? Because hope, is painfulll... .  

En ja, ik hoop dat we binnen het eind van dit jaar kunnen zeggen, gasten, dat we het hier zo zwaar mee hebben gehad. Pfft.

[elessar]

beware of the "Hope". I have held on to that word for nearly a decade now. It has gotten me nothing but innumerable roller-coaster rides. Like you said, every romantic memories or good memories deals with her. So I know it is very tough. Do I hope she comes back? Yes. But never ever again will I put up with her unless she makes a serious effort at getting treated. We all are here because we were deeply in love with them. If not, we wouldn't care about them and move on pretty quickly. Its confusing, you don't know anymore what was real or unreal. The good actions and words felt real, so did the bad. It is hard for us to recognize how two contradictory things can be real.

In the meantime, work on yourself. Enjoy time with your girls. Distract yourself. When mine had left the first time in 2006, took me over a year just to feel happy. over the next few years I never forgot her or got over her, but I learned to live and make myself happy. You will get there too. All the best! 

[mango_flower]

Memories are everywhere... .  even my sporting hobby that I did before I met her, which I then met her at when she joined... .  I find it hard.  I introduced her to all my friends, so she spent time with me and them, and went to their houses with me.

Even my childhood town I grew up in, I shared with her.

It feels like everything is tainted!

All we can do is make new memories of this same places and same things to over-ride them.  Avoiding them will make it worse.

The brain takes a long time to retrain but it will x

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Well, we made the cake allright, it was fun for the girls. So I'm happy I did that with them, however I couldn't really feel the happiness inside of me.

Hope... .  I feel so stupid to have that hope that she ever returns... .  because I know it would make my life very complicated, adapting my communication with her to not trigger her.

And like you, Ellessar, I would get together again only on my conditions (see a T, let me have the freedom to communicate with whoever I want,... .  ). But then again, I doubt myself if I ever could really resist her if she comes back.

And should I expose my girls to the risk of getting hurt for a third time ? I wished my heart just would shut up, and that all my memories of her could get deleted.

Mango_flower, I also have a sporting hobby. She didn't play along, but she came to watch and cheer for me when I played tournaments. It felt great, my nonexW only came to see me play 2 or 3 times during 8 years, while my exBPDgf did it 4 times in less then 1 year.

It's like I lived a dream the last year, and I just woke up to find nothing was true and that I lost the dream for ever.  That's the big deal for me, maybe I just had a r/s with my own dream image, but it was real for me. And OK, I believe I will at one point get over this mess in my head and my heart, but will I ever find a r/s that comes close to what I had with exBPDgf... .  Will I ever be completely happy with another gf... .  

I had break-ups before... .  crying a few days, ruminating a couple of weeks, and then got on with my life. I suppose this is going to last a little longer 

I see a T tomorrow evening, hoping to have some clarification on my own feelings and problems.

Ja Harm, ik hoop ook dat we over een jaar dit teruglezen en er eens goed om kunnen lachen... .