When trust is a eating you up

[rollercoaster24]

I am wondering at present, if in the past, when my uBP male partner was really acting out, as in death threats, suicide threats, premeditated murder etc... if he was using drugs...

Because a lot of the literature states that if their behaviours are really out of control, eg, psychotic episodes, periods of dissociation etc they are muchh more likely to be drinking, or using drugs at the time...

There is only one way for me to check, and I would be too afraid to try... a thorough search of his car would likely turn something up, and I would have to know he was out to sleep for sure... ie, sleeping pills... as if he wasn't and woke to me searching his car, I am afraid how he would react... pretty bad huh?

Believe me, having supported him every week now for three years because he always runs out of money, and has no rent, or utilities to pay, I have a right to know the truth... .  this is pretty serious, thinking of drugging him, so I can safely search his car... and of course I won't...

But believe me, if I was to find out he is using amphetamines, which would explain his obsession that everyone else is on them, it would be over in an instant... still hard and heart-wrenching, but definately over, and much easier to walk away with my honour intact... NC

BP has no conscience at all when it comes to other people's boundaries... including stealing mail, and stealing used car parts, (because after all, he is a desperate man, with nowhere to live and no money)...

Just recently, the day before Valentines, he was away all that day, at the local library and other stuff apparently...

He had said he was going to his parents the next day as well, as he had some things on Ebay for sale, and other such sites, so he had to attend to those sales...

Later on February 13th, he arranged to meet up with me at my work to 'help out' with my evening shift... .  (had been away all day pretty much)...

As is the habit, BP likes to vacuum for me, whilst I take care of the toilets outside...

Around 8.30pm, a youngish woman had walked through the rear of the mall and on to the supermarket, with her young girl in tow... I had seen her face as a now and again shopper before... we smiled at each other...

I went out to see if BP was there yet, he wasn't... I messaged him, and he turned up as I was... he went in to do the work inside, and after half an hour, I knew the supermarket and the pharmacy would be shutting. On the CCTV in my office, I noticed the young woman with the little girl walking back out... I had thought she had already gone earlier, and other shoppers, so I had turned off the auto door at rear... when I noticed her, I was surprised, so went to pull the door open for her... as she was coming out, and realising of course that BP may have opened the door for her, I clearly heard him teasing her, saying "I like your pants", she was looking back and smiling and laughing, teasing back that she had three other pairs in bright colours too...

I was quite hurt, as if the situation were reversed, (not that it would be), BP would go off about it, and I would be accused of an affair, and would likely never hear the end of it...

I approached closer, and smiled, (BP didn't know I was close by)... As she approached me, she gave me the filthiest, funniest look, and I wondered why? when she knew my face, and had been friendly earlier... .  

I had had a 'feeling' about her anyway... I felt quite strongly that BP would try and 'engage her'... and would flirt with her... she was after all, attractive, and slim, and had a child...

BP always goes on about how he is never going to have any children, and how sad that is for him... he resents me at times because I do... and anyone else who does by the way... .  

Any women he had relationships with in past, that got pregnant, aborted them... from what he said, there were two separate relationships where the women aborted his babies... He didn't try to stop them though... .  

Anyway, I was stewing a bit, I must admit... here it is, the day before Valentines, he is at work with me, and he is trying to chat up some stranger! or at least flirt inappropriately...

only the night before, some young boy, (of about 15 maybe) had approached BP and asked where I was, so he could get into use the toilet... I didn't know the young man, but a lot of people who shop there, know my face, even if I don't always 'see' everyone...

The young man had a bit of an attitude, or surliness about him... and this made BP go off... I got this tornado as soon as the lad disappeared... I said I did not know the young man, but yes, he did seem a bit of an upstart... and yes, it does hurt if you say 'HI' to someone, and they ignore you and ask to see someone else...

Well, he went on for about an hour... .  

Strange that he can get upset over that, but think nothing of saying something like that whilst his partner is just outside...

Later on, when we got back to mine, in bed, BP was doing his usual rant session, about my son in law and daughter, and his Father again... After an hour of it, it was 11pm, and I had to get up at 5.30am for work again... Tired of repeating myself, BP asked me if I was mad. I said I was Fine, oops look out... .  

He pressed why, and I then asked him about that woman with the 'pants'. Instantly, he knew who I meant, and started going on about how she had walked through and started talking to him about how her husband worked away, and she was lonely, and now he was back, he was up at the pub... etc... BP was commisterating with her, but he said he felt uncomfortable, that she was engaging him, and coming on to him it seemed...

The way it looked when she had walked out, was most certainly the other way round... I told him then, what I had heard him say to her, and that it had hurt...

Instantly, the rage, and indignation came out, and then he tried another approach, pleading, 'Please, don't do this on the eve of Valentines' this is stupid etc... '

I looked away, sad that he couldn't just be honest, and aplogise... .  

yet, only an hour before, I distinctly remember lying in bed, listening to him denigrate people I knew and loved yet again... Ironic ay?

I was not being aggressive, or nasty, I merely asked why he denied saying it, when I heard him say it clearly... next thing, he made out like he was leaving me, grabbed his key and phone, and walked out... I knew he was guilty, and I was very hurt and disappointed... after about five minutes, I hadn't heard his car start, so I went outside... I walked up to him, and he told me it was OK, and it would all be alright, he was just getting some air...

Oh, it is alright to lie to me on Valentines Eve is it? Apparently so... the day after, he would be back into complaining how many Valentines had been non events between us for three years, all because of so an so, and so on... .  

When he came back in, he made no further reference to it, and knew I would be afraid to bring it up again anyway... .  for the sake of peace... .  

The next morning, I woke to chocolates, an everlasting rose in a paper wrapper, and a lovely card... Along with a beautiful Christmas Card he had got me, just past, but had never wrote in it for me... he kept saying he had to think about what to write... and that the card was so beautiful with its own verses, he didn't want to spoil it...

When he gave me the present, I felt terrible for doubting him so... it was so lovely...

Next thing, BP is getting up to give everyone space, and go to the library... I walk him out to his car, and he gets out a rose wrapper, (exactly like the one around mine), I looked at it confused, and said what? He mumbled something about shifting things around in the car last night so I would not see his surprise... .  

He didn't even bother to explain how the wrapper had fallen off, if it was still intact, and tight... .  

Still haven't yet... He simply said he didn't have any other women he was giving roses to...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[waverider]

Seems you have a lot of issues here. There is a lot of tit for tat and reactionary behaviors as you are dancing around each other.

What you are dealing with though are symptoms of deeper issues. The task is to accurately identify what they are, before you can even start to reel this in.

First task I guess is for you list (preferably a short one) of what is it you actually hope for in this RS and what have you seen about your partner that makes you think this is attainable.

How many of these traits that are getting to you have been ever present in his life, how, and why, do you think it will be possible to change them in your RS? In other words things dont change without a good reason.

What are the deal breakers that ruin your life? Think about core principles here not just specific incidents or examples. What boundaries do you have and actions set up to effectively prevent them (getting irate and making demands do not count)?

Once you can identify his stuff and your stuff as separate entities then the fear of being caught out and being unapproved of can often reduce the incentive to cover up and lie. Endless suspicion and trying to chase down the truth can become an obsession that does more harm to you that just letting specific issues wash over you as not your issue.

There is a lot to deal with here, most of it needs to start with focusing on what you are doing and feeling rather than what he is doing. You are living, and in control of, your life not his

[rollercoaster24]

Thanks again waverider,

I guess in the positive sense, that BP does not go quiet for weeks or months... He is quick to contact me following an extinction burst... So, I can hope that the positive signs I see indicate that for the most he is faithful...

You are right, in what I have to define as my deal breakers...

Some, I already have...

If I have absolute and unmistakable proof at some instance, that he is cheating, without a doubt, it will be over... and there will be no going back...

If I find proof that he for sure has an amphetamine habit, it will be over...

If he stays unemployed, and does not make a commmitment to at least working on his health or healing his relationship it will have to be over...

This last time, I was ready to do the NC thing... .  and did... as I have done many times before... It is usually always me that does this when he acts out. BP always rings me the next day, or the next hour, and is keen to see me again straight away... I am not always that keen, and keep my distance a bit, in order to heal...

This last extinction burst followed by temporary separation, we have made some progress I think.

I have been a lot firmer in my boundaries for quite some time, and the destructive/dangerous/psychotic behaviour of old, has died off...

No doubt he still fires up and is verbally abusive/verbally theatening/aggressive at times, but not to the same degree he was before, so this is an achievement of sorts I believe...

The other stuff, well, I could say he is a flirt, hope it does not graduate into anything else, and leave it at that...

I have been avidly reading some really good books lately, about 'women who love too much, and the men that hate them'.

Have read this before, but dragged it out this time, and went over some stuff which really helped... as did this site, and particularly your help in answering directly...

Thanks again...

Hope things are going well at your end of things...

[waverider]

Your boundaries are reasonable, but you could waste your life in the search of proof. It is not the what is, or is not, true at the moment that is chewing you up it is quest for truth, the suspicion. How can you reduce or eliminate that? That is the cancerous link that is tying his stuff to your stuff.

This is similar in the way partners of alcoholics are "infected" by the illness with the never ending quest to count bottles, unearthing lies and cover ups. It is one of the first aspects that Alanon addresses in their support groups. It doesnt help that you are searching for evidence of failure, lack of evidence of failure means the search continues. You are in danger of condemning yourself into victim role, until proved right.

He will sense this and become even more secretive and the spiral continues

How can you work it so that you are searching for something positive?

[waverider]

 Here is a useful quote from one of our old hands

Steph’s break-down on https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a104.htm

Nothing changes without change

And the first change starts with us. When we say we need to change ourselves, we mean... .  

We need to make ourselves healthy again.

We need to learn to communicate effectively.

We need to learn to set limits and define our own boundaries... and we learn to enforce them.

We need to learn to walk away from emotional dysregulation

We need to learn to allow the person with BPD their own feelings and lives and we allow the same for us<<HARD BIT

We need to stop trying to micromanage them, we stop trying to manipulate our lives to avoid unpleasent episodes, we allow them the space and time to regulate their emotions and we do the same for ourselves.<<NEXT HARD BIT

All of these things get us back on the track for emotional well being and also can greatly improve our relationships.

People can only change themselves... .  

Steph.