Have to maintain contact because of our son

[strungalong]

I've been reading topics on here for the past week or so and it has been extremely helpful. However, while many of the stories on here are similar to mine, none are exactly the same. So I decided to register and tell my story and get some input and advice myself.

I found out that she was BPD (undiagnosed) after doing some research of my own. She fits the bill perfectly. Reckless behavior like a promiscuous sexual history, manipulation, mood wings, abuse of drugs like meth and marijuana, and never being single. She would also seem detached all the time, like she had no personality of her own. She would take on the interests and habits of whomever she was with at the time, including me. I guess that's why we seemed to perfect for each other. She self-medicates with the pot. I mean like, high all day, everyday.

So, to my point, We were together after 6 years, and lived together for 4 of those years. Everything wasn't bad all the time, or else it wouldn't have lasted that long, but I knew deep down inside that I could never spend the rest of my life with her. She started working a job about 30 miles from where she lived. She never had many friends, but when she started work, she started making lots of new friends. Most of which, were guys.

One day she started acting really awkward. Not talking, not being her normal self. This went on for about a week, and one day, she drops the bomb. Tells me she "needs to be alone." Also, that she wanted me to have custody of our son, and she was going to send her 9 year old daughter to live with her father who she barely knows. Her plan was to get her own apartment and just "live life" as she put it.

Now, as pathetic and horrible as this was of her to do, I actually felt relieved in a way. I felt like I had been sentence to life in prison for a crime I didn't commit, and got suddenly set free. I was doing really well for about the first month. Then, I started suspecting that she was seeing someone else already, and this really brought me down for some reason. For all the bad that she represented in my life, I felt like I wanted her back. I went and talked to a family member of mine who is her friend, and she was able to shed some light on the situation due to the fact that my ex tell her everything.

I found out that in the course of a month, She is drinking heavily, she has slept with four different guys, all of whom she works with, one of which is several years younger than her, and spends his weekends in jail because of too many DUI's. Another of these guys is married! After hearing this, my head was spinning. How could she be acting like this? This is a completely different person than I knew and loved (still love) for 6 years! I went from feeling free to being dragged down into the pits of hell.

The worst part is, I can't initiate no contact, because she wants to visit and have our son stay with her on the weekends. Please, give me some feedback. How to I maintain my sanity when I'll never be free of her for the rest of my life?

[Matt]

Well there are some aspects of this that you could maybe discuss on the "Family Law" board.  First, what is the status of your relationship - married?  Is there any court order in place?  Because you have the option to use the court to establish regular visitation, with a set schedule, and that can reduce the need for contact a lot.

I have that - a court order establishing the schedule, so after five years of separation and divorce, now I hardly ever talk to their mom.  E-mail when needed to work out details.  I rarely think about her, even though the kids spend time with her a couple times a month.

Those issues get worked through on the Family Law board - maybe you could start a thread there to get ideas.

Taking that approach will help you to disengage more - maybe not "No Contact" but definitely "Low Contact".

It's very sad that someone you were with for so long could be acting like that, whether it's BPD or something else (or BPD plus something else).  But it's very unlikely that you can do anything to help her, and trying to help her would keep you engaged with her, which would mess with your head.

I'd suggest stepping back - disengaging as much as practical - and putting your focus into your own life and moving forward, and helping your son deal with what is happening.  Those are big enough challenges without also trying to figure out what's up with your ex.

[lockedout]

Here it looks like you have a duty to your son to protect him. The marijuana use alone is enough to seek an injunction for full custody to you and limited and supervised visitation to her. She would have to then prove to the court that she wasn't drunk all the time, probably pass a drug test, and also prove that she wasn't exposing your son to unsavory characters. The court systems in most, if not all states look out for the interest of the child. Everything else is a distant second; including your sanity. Your first step is to speak with a family law attorney.

Once all that get sorted out, you only need to have contact over your son. What she's doing with whom is no longer your concern once your son is safe. It may be a tough pill to swallow. She changed the locks on our house and some dude she denies is a boyfriend drove his car into the garage right in front of me a couple days later. I'm still reeling over that and miss the house I spent so much money on and time maintaining and the long future as a family I had envisioned. I don't miss the dysfunctional relationship or the constant feelings of anxiety, depression, and dread that I did while trying to make it work. Detaching is a process and far from a smooth one. I quickly got over the whole "who's she seeing" thing (and could care less at this point since I know she's still a good mother - overprotective if anything) by going out on a few dates of my own. If been out with two so far. no future (I'm not looking for that anyway), but at least I got to be exposed to the basics of how people are supposed to treat each other.

[strungalong]

I am working on getting up the funds to hire a lawyer. I have spoken to her about when our son goes to visit her. I told her that if i get wind of anything questionable going on while he's there it's going to be bad for her and her visitation with him. I really don't think she would do anything to put him or her daughter in harms way. I know she loves our son, and she wants to keep him over the weekends.

What I'm really having trouble dealing with is the thoughts of her just living the wild life and living like she has no responsibilities. Ive actually caught on to, in the last few days that she is actually "seeing" this guy who spends his weekends in jail. I know they've gone out, and I'm pretty sure she's staying at his house until she gets into her new place. It's really hard to deal with the fact that she's moving on so quickly. And with such a loser of a guy. I know it won't last with him, but it doesn't make it any easier.

[Matt]

What I'm really having trouble dealing with is the thoughts of her just living the wild life and living like she has no responsibilities. Ive actually caught on to, in the last few days that she is actually "seeing" this guy who spends his weekends in jail. I know they've gone out, and I'm pretty sure she's staying at his house until she gets into her new place. It's really hard to deal with the fact that she's moving on so quickly. And with such a loser of a guy. I know it won't last with him, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I think the challenge for you is to take care of yourself first, and your son.

Focusing on her choices, like who she's with and what she's doing, won't do you any good, because it's out of your control, and because her choices won't make sense to you.  Whether it's BPD or not, she isn't thinking like you and I do, so we can't really understand how her mind works, and even if you could, you couldn't fix her.

Your son really needs you, and you can only help him if you're taking care of yourself - physically and emotionally - so you're in good shape, in every way.  That sounds obvious, but when you're in the middle of it - it's been a few years but I remember it! - it's very hard to avoid "ruminating" on her, and losing focus on what's in your control - yourself.

Can you think of a way to be more focused on yourself and your son?