So angry

[TheOther]

This post is about a non BPD relative (I think anyways ) but I need somewhere to vent to keep from saying something I'll regret and creating tension in my husband's family. I have a sil who seems to copycat everyone's ideas around her. I think she does it wanting to feel excepted and so I've dealt with it and remained nice. She is married to my dh' s twin so we spend a lot of time together.

Usually it's small stuff like we repaint our living room... .  and hers is the exact same color the next week, we book a vacation and they have one booked the same hotel and all, and then she pretends like she didn't know like "oh you guys did your living room in green and purple? How funny so did we!" Uhh... .  you were just at our house last week while we repainted. She is really blunt about needing to compete and will go as far as to ask my husband how he liked dinner and if she is a better cook than me... .  no joke that happens at least once a month at dinner with me sitting there.  Like It drives dh crazy so he usually gives an a newer she doesn't like and poor bil just ignores it. like I said I feel like she just lacks her own identity and confidence and have tried to see it as a form of flattery.

Well tonight the whole copycat crap went to a whole new level and I'm so angry. Dh and I have been trying for a baby since we got married... .  years passed and no luck. Meanwhile sil has had two sons. When we were first trying and didn't know of our problems yet dh' s cousin asked me at a thanksgiving if we liked any names and gushed how she'd picked all her kids names in 5th grade. I told her I didn't have any names except one for a boy... .  steele. it was my great grandfathers best friends name (I think it may have actually been a last name but that's what he always called him). I remember my great grandpa telling us stories about this man and the strong, dependable guy he was and ever since loved that name. As soon as I said it my sil ooh' d how she loved that name so I very directly and kind of rudely told her no... .  I'm sorry but I'm using that name. Her next son was conceived a year later... .  she gave birth and luckily stole her best friends name so her friend had to change her own baby's name last minute. That nephew is now 6 months old.

Well we announced in January we are finally expecting (after some expensive medical assistance ). Sil is already talking about getting pregnant again bc she's so baby hungry... .  you freaking have a 6 month old lady! Well tonight we ate dinner with mil and the topic turned to middle names... .  we've told the family we are keeping our potential names under wraps bc the ones we don't use will be used for future children. Mil told us that sil was wanting to use grandpa James' name for her next sons name... .  so his name would be James steele... .  oh and he'd go by steele. Dh flipped and let his mom know the situation on the name... .  she has seen the rest so she totally got it. MIL was like "I knew I'd heard that name somewhere!"

We find out if we are having a boy or girl at the end of the month and now part of me will be sad if it's a girl bc she will use the name... .  and I don't want to feel sad if it's a girl! I know she has a right to use any name she wants but it's  such an unusual first name and if she liked it so much then why are her other two boys not named that? And it's more than just a name I like to me... .  it's sentimental and I've wanted to use it since I was in grade school. Oh and why the heck are you staking out claims on baby names with MIL when you aren't even pregnant yet? I wish I had kept my mouth shut in the first place!  End vent.

[Clearmind]

Oh dear! Is this something the two boys can sort through?

[TheOther]

Possibly. He's all ready to let him know how I feel about the name and that it'd offend both of us if they used it knowing that. It may just egg her on though... .  

[GeekyGirl]

Your SIL sounds very insecure. She might act this way to get approval, or she might have a really difficult time making decisions.

As much as it angers you (and I'd be right there with you if I were in the same situation), she does have a right to name her kids whatever she wants. You have the same right and could use the same name. Would it be kind of confusing at family gatherings? Yes. If you love the name(s) enough, though, you'll have to decide if you can live with having two kids with similar names in the family.

Oh and why the heck are you staking out claims on baby names with MIL when you aren't even pregnant yet? I wish I had kept my mouth shut in the first place!  End vent.

You're pregnant now. She's presumably not pregnant right now. Your baby will be born long before her next baby is born, so in any case, she can't "steal" your baby name. In the meantime, it's probably best that you and your DH keep baby names to yourselves if you're worried that your SIL will copy your names.

I said I feel like she just lacks her own identity and confidence and have tried to see it as a form of flattery.

I would agree. She probably is really looking for approval and acceptance and really doesn't know how to make decisions with any confidence. What I'd do in this situation is keep any plans for the future (vacations, baby names) vague, and if she presses you for details, tell her that nothing has been finalized. Maybe you could even offer to help her pick out her own vacations and/or baby names to help her gain some confidence.

[Clearmind]

Possibly. He's all ready to let him know how I feel about the name and that it'd offend both of us if they used it knowing that. It may just egg her on though... .  

The boys are hopefully not as emotionally invested which can make negotiation a little less complex. I'd be pretty firm about it Other if this is important to you and DH.