Is this a classic case of gaslighting? Need help on this one

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am in the process of getting away from my stbxBPDw. When we first talked about details she told me that she wanted a certain sum for "goodwill" over and above the value of her half of the house.  That was quite a while ago. Last week after having the house appraised and hiring my lawyer I gave her an offer outlining what I would give her. It was not the amount she said she wanted. This morning she confronted me and said so you not remember you said you would give me X amount on Feb 1. She said that was the last time we talked and you sat on the edge of the bed and said you would give me X amount. I said I did not remember saying that.

I really don't remember saying that. In fact I had not had the house appraised yet, did not have a lawyer yet and in fact I had just made arrangements for the house appraisal to take place the following week. Is this a classic case of gaslighting or am I losing it. I am a pretty astute person and while I may have said I would think about it I am pretty certain that I would never come out and offer that without having a lawyer and the appraisal done. HELP>... .  

[ramble on]

I am in the process of getting away from my stbxBPDw. When we first talked about details she told me that she wanted a certain sum for "goodwill" over and above the value of her half of the house.  That was quite a while ago. Last week after having the house appraised and hiring my lawyer I gave her an offer outlining what I would give her. It was not the amount she said she wanted. This morning she confronted me and said so you not remember you said you would give me X amount on Feb 1. She said that was the last time we talked and you sat on the edge of the bed and said you would give me X amount. I said I did not remember saying that.

I really don't remember saying that. In fact I had not had the house appraised yet, did not have a lawyer yet and in fact I had just made arrangements for the house appraisal to take place the following week. Is this a classic case of gaslighting or am I losing it. I am a pretty astute person and while I may have said I would think about it I am pretty certain that I would never come out and offer that without having a lawyer and the appraisal done. HELP>... .  

[charred]

My exBPDgf made many statements that I said X... .  and in some cases I know absolutely they were untrue.

Goodwill is typically a business valuation idea... .  that a going business has some extra value as customers think well of it and therefore it is valued at more than the sum of the net value of the assets.

I think you might want to question why you should pay any "goodwill"... you presumably are 1/2 the r/s, and would be entitled to just as much "goodwill" yourself. You may feel you need to pay her off to get on with things, and get out of the r/s... .  but calling that "goodwill" is sophistry, its labeling blackmail as something you owe her. I divorced and gave away a lot of assets, 1/2 my 401k, 1/2 my pension, 1/2 my cash, most my possessions... .  but we kept the descriptions of what it was honest... and it helped. The stuff didn't matter much. Recovered financially much faster than I expected.

I understand paying to get out of the r/s... .  that you are asking if it is gaslighting, doubting your own memory/perception, is a sign you need to be sure you are doing what is right for you and viewing it for what it is. You can pay her a lot and call it goodwill, if you know that it is a payoff that you are labeling "goodwill" to get it over with... .  and not accepting that you owe her money above and beyond ... .  just for having been in a dysfunctional r/s with you.

[ramble on]

Not saying I am going to pay her what she said she wants. I made her a very fair offer for her to leave. We have been in a common law relationship for over 24 years. Family Law here in Ontario is clear. What is mine is mine, what is hers is hers. Jointly owned property like the house is equally owned. I offered her a few thou above current market value, and a sum of cash over and and above that to assist her in either purchasing another place or relocating if she wants to do that. I told her I did not remember saying I would give her the amount she wanted. And I told her the reason I put my offer on paper was to avoid what was going on now with her saying I said something I don't ever remember saying at all.

I do not intend to give her what she thinks she deserves no matter what she says. I was just wondering if my example is a classic example of gaslighting. I am at ease with the situation, I realize she is not processing information in a clear rational manner at all. 

[Slowlybutsurely]

My guess is that it is gaslighting. My ex did stuff like that all the time. I thought I was losing my mind. She'd say I said things I never said. She'd say I didn't say things I did say. She'd say that she'd said things she never said. And she'd deny saying things that she did say. Confused?  Yeah, so was I! I never would have believed what 'gaslighting' is until I experienced it myself. At the time, I thought I was really really really flakey, though sometimes I thought to myself, 'what is up with this?' I listen to people carefully and respond for a living (I'm a teacher), and I'm good at it, so I couldn't understand what in the heck was going on. Gaslighting... .   that's what your ex is doing.

Hang in there, and realize you aren't losing your marbles.  

[charred]

Agree... it sounds like gaslighting. After 24 yrs you will probably have to pay out some amount to part ways. Didn't realize it was such a long r/s.

[ramble on]

I thought that is what it was, not the first time for sure but it was one that really set me back. I have been in business for a long time, company trainer, good with details, planning things etc. I have taken a ton of management courses which include active listening, negotiations, giving feedback, effective communication and a raft of others. After I wrote my inquiry here on the board a couple of things came to mind.   IF and I know I didn't give her a verbal offer, WHY did she not accept it and tell me that at the time. It was just a few days before then that she lamblasted me for not getting some things done so that she could move forward. It was the week of Feb 4 that I met with my financial planner, my attorneys, and made arrangements for the house appraisal. Got the appraisal back on the 11. Wrote out an offer and gave it to her on the 28 of Feb. Didn't hear a squeak out of her until this morning when she broadsided me with this offer I apparently made.   Tonight when she comes home I am going to explain to her that there was no verbal offer, she has a written offer and to take it to her lawyer. And I am going to ask her that if I did say anything which I did not then why did she not accept it then? Its so true the normal rules of dealing with people don't apply in these situations or with BPD